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    The Oldest Chick In The Book

    | Deland, FL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Money

    Caller: “I don’t understand why I have a late fee on my account. I always pay on time.”

    Me: “Okay, I would be happy to look into that for you today. I see the late fee and I think I see the problem. However, I would like a brief minute to continue looking through your account to verify why you are receiving late fees. May I please place you on hold?”

    Caller: “Okay, then.”

    (I check her statements for the last 6 months and see that she missed two consecutive payments. She recently started paying only $5 a month.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding. I apologize for the wait. I think I see what happened. I see that we have been receiving your $5 payments by the due date. However, they do not cover your $127 minimum payment, so you are being charged late fees.”

    Caller: “But I’m making my payment on time.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, however the payment that we are receiving does not cover your minimum due.”

    Caller: “But you’re getting my payment before the due date.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but $5 does not cover your minimum due.”

    Caller: “Well, what is my minimum due?”

    Me: “Your minimum due on your last statement was $127.”

    Caller: “So that pays off my account. I’ll pay you $127 and you can’t charge me any more fees, right? That will pay off my account.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but $127 was the amount that you owed us for the month of January. You will still owe us another minimum payment by February 28th.”

    Caller: “Okay, so how many months do I have to pay to pay off my account?”

    Me: “Well, as stated on your last statement, you would have to pay the minimum due for 5 years on time each month to pay off your balance.”

    Caller: “Well, how much is that?”

    Me: “$6,200.”

    Caller: “So, how will it take me to pay off my balance if I pay $5 a month?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but since $5 does not cover your minimum payment and our late fees are $35, you would be unable to pay off your balance.”

    Caller: “Well, why would you do that? You just want everyone to give you $5 every month for the rest of their lives! Let me talk to your supervisor! You people can’t do that! It’s ILLEGAL!”

    Me: “Okay, may I please place you on a brief 1 to 2 minute hold while I get my supervisor on the line for you?”

    Caller: *whispering* “She’s getting a supervisor, but it’s going to take another 15 minutes.”

    Grumpy Old Man: *in the background* “I told you they wouldn’t fall for that you stupid woman. Just pay them their d*** money so we can order Chinese!”

    Caller: *click*

    Mismanaged Expectations

    | Columbia Heights, Minnesota, MN, USA | Top

    (I am the third shift manager at my store. I live only a block from my store, so when I need stuff, I just walk over. I stop in one afternoon on my day off. The store is busy and I notice a lady who is obviously upset. So, I approach just to help out.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, I work here. Is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “No. I need to talk to a manager, not some young punk kid.”

    (Note that I am 19.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am actually—”

    Customer: “I said you can’t help me. I need a manager!”

    Me: *gives up* “Yes, ma’am. Let me go in back to get him…”

    (I go into our back room where I keep my work shirt most of the time with my name tag. I put them both on real quick, and come out of the back room to the customer.)

    Me: “Excuse me, you needed to speak to a manager?”

    Customer: “Yes, about time! I want to complain—”

    (She turns and sees me, realizing who I am. This just gets her more upset.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?!”

    Me: “I am a manager. How may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “How old are you? You can’t be a manager!”

    Me: “I’m nineteen, ma’am, and I am a manager. How may I assist you?”

    Customer: “This store is stupid. I’m not coming back!” *leaves*

    Lying Doesn’t Sit Well

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I’m clearing off the outdoor patio because we’ve stopped seating and our kitchen is closed. Three customers sit down at a table.)

    Me: “I’m sorry guys, but the outdoor seating is closed. Our kitchen and the dinning room are closed too, but the bar will be open till two.”

    Customers: *inaudible grumbling*

    Me: “Sorry, folks. ”

    (I clean off a few more tables. As I’m walking back inside, one of the men at the table stops me.)

    Customer: “I know you’re closed and all, but I’m just saying we were sat out here by a host. Maybe you guys should get your S*** together!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir? A host sat you without menus or silverware?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Do you know her name or what she looked like, sir? I’d like to talk to her.”

    Customer: *stumbling for words* “I don’t know…she—”

    Me: “…Especially since the last host was cut over an hour ago, and I’m the only server still on the floor. I must say I’m VERY curious who sat you.”

    Customer: “Well…F*** YOU!” *leaves with his friends*

    Me: “Have a nice night, guys!”

    Alohomorons

    | Newport, TN, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

    (I’m working in the library when a patron of about 11 or 12 years of age walks up. We have the following exchange.)

    Young Patron: “Where do you have the Harry Potter books?”

    Me: “They’re right back here…”

    (I show her to the section where we keep them. She stares at them for a while.)

    Young Patron: “Can I have the Prisoner of Azkaban?”

    (I take it out and place it on a table. She opens it up and leafs through it.)

    Young Patron: “Oh my God! There are so many words! Can I have the one with less pages?!”

    Your Car Must Have A Telepathic Transmission

    | Ohio, USA | Crazy Requests, Top

    (A customer calls my shop asking for a price on a car part.)

    Customer: “I need a price on a piece for a window in my car. No other shop seems to be able to give me a price.”

    Me: “Sure, ma’am, I’d be glad to help you. What kind of car do you have, and what part is broken?”

    Customer: “Does that matter?”

    Me: “Well yes, ma’am…prices are different depending on what part and what car.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not giving you that information!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, without a little more to work with I won’t be able to find out what it would cost you. If you’d be willing to tell me the vehicle and part, I could get you an exact price.”

    Customer: “Okay, smarta***, don’t give me an exact price then. Just give me a ball park.”

    Me: “Well, the part could range anywhere from $50 to $3,000. But again, it all depends on the year, make, model, and what part is broken.”

    Customer: “I don’t appreciate being patronized! There is no way that this could cost $3,000!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it could depending on what the damaged part—”

    Customer: “I want to give you a business tip: if a customer asks for a price, you give them an exact price! You don’t give them a ball park figure if they ask for an exact price, and you certainly don’t make up outrageous figures like that. If you expect to stay in business, you should work on being more helpful! *slams down phone*

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