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    No Recognition Or Cognition

    | Canada | Language & Words, Technology

    (A customer comes in asking for dictation software. I showed him a very popular dictation package.)

    Customer: “Does that use voice recognition?”

    Me: “Yes, it does.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t want that! Voice recognition doesn’t work. Do you have any dictation software that doesn’t use voice recognition?”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Customer: *looks annoyed and leaves*

    Thanks For Shopping At Las Saggy Knees

    | Peterborough, UK | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any las-ange?”

    Me: “Las-ange?”

    Customer: “Yes, it says on my list, ‘las-ange.’”

    (He shows me a shopping list with the word ‘lasagne’ written on it.)

    Me: *showing him lasagna* “Here’s the lasagna.”

    Customer: “No, no! That’s lasag-knee. I want las-ange.”

    Me: “Well, lasag-knee is the same as las-ange.”

    Customer: “Hmm, I’d better leave it. I don’t want to upset the misses by getting the wrong stuff!”

    Too Taxing On That Brain

    | Houston, TX, USA | Money

    (If the customer has 1) a very small tax refund in comparison to the preparation fees and 2) a simple tax situation, we will prepare and file their tax return for free. We also run a promotion where we’ll give customers $50 cash if they have to pay for tax return preparation. This is a conversation between my manager and a very loud customer.)

    Manager: “Since your refund is $137, I will file your return for free.”

    Customer: “Thank you! What about my $50?”

    Manager: “I cannot give you $50 because I am not charging you anything.”

    Customer: “I NEED THAT $50!”

    Manager: *remaining calm* “If I gave you $50, it would be like me paying you so that I can prepare your return, right? To give you the $50, I would have to be charging you something first, right? I am doing this return for you free.”

    Customer: “Okay, do that! Charge me!”

    Manager: “So you are saying that you would like me to charge you $100 for preparation so that I can then give you $50?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Aggress Unknown

    | Arizona, USA | Bizarre

    (I work in a well-known retail store chain. Since we are a smaller sized store, however, we can submit orders for products we offer from our company, but do not carry in store.)

    Me: “I’m afraid we don’t have that item in store, but I can order it for you. Would you like it sent directly to your house?”

    Customer:  ”Alright, that sounds fine.”

    (I proceed to process his order, then get to where I need to enter the customer’s shipping information.)

    Me: “Alright, and the address for the shipping information?”

    Customer: “NO.”

    Me: *confused* “Um…I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I said ‘no!’ You should have a better way to do this. This is ridiculous. I’m not giving you my address!”

    Me: “Sir, you do understand that if we are to ship to your home, we need to know where to ship the item to.”

    Customer: “I’m not giving you my address!”

    Me: *trying another approach* “I did say that we can ship it to your home, but that means we can’t do that if we don’t have an address to ship it to.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! I’m not giving you my address. I can’t believe how poorly this store handles this kind of stuff! You know how many drug addicts are out there?!”

    Me: “I’m…sorry?”

    Customer: “Yeah, they’re all hopped up on coke and meth. A buddy of mine, a war vet, was just hit with a crowbar because one of these guys went to go break the window open, but it was already open, and threw the crowbar into him! Cut him up, he’s got a scar and had to get stitches! How dare you ask for my address? You’ll just steal my identity and rob my house!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Misery Demands Company, Part 2

    | Australia | Crazy Requests

    (I’m a little hyperactive and ditzy, but mostly it comes off as being friendly, or so I think, until this customer comes up to me.)

    Customer: “Miss, exactly what kind of drugs are you on?”

    Me: “None at all, I assure you.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! You can’t just be that happy!”

    Me: *completely bewildered* “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “That’s more like it!” *picks up his things and leaves*

    Related:
    Misery Demands Company

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