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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Cower Before My Shower Of Flowers

    | Ontario, Canada | Wild & Unruly

    (I am standing at the cash register of our store. A customer comes up and asks about our tulip bulbs, so I point them out and she goes over to them.)

    Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to help me count them out?

    Me: “Sure, ma’am, how many would you like?”

    Customer: “500, obviously. You can’t expect me to do that on my own!”

    Me: “Sure, ma’am, I’ll help you for the moment.”

    (As we reach the 200-tulip mark, three other customers finish their shopping and line up at the cash. I’m the only cashier, so I go to help.)

    Customer: “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?! I don’t have 500 yet!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need to ring these people through. I’m the only cashier on duty. I can help you again once I’m finished.”

    Customer: “You b****! You said you would help me, and now you want to back out? I can’t believe this!”

    (Suddenly, the customer throws her bagged tulips onto the floor, scattering them everywhere. She then grabs handfuls of bulbs from the bin, throws them around the store, stands up, and marches out.)

    Pick Yourself Up And Try Again…Somewhere Else

    | Memphis, TN, USA |

    (I’m a waitress. This customer has come here before, and always asks for me as his server.)

    Me: “Is everything all right?”

    Customer: “Yeah, everything’s great.”

    Me: *smile* “All right! Is there anything else I can get you?”

    Customer: “Um, your phone number?”

    Me: “Uh, no, sorry.”

    Customer: *looks sad* “Aww.”

    Me: “Sorry, but hey, you tried!”

    Zombies Need Debt Too

    | Illinois, USA | Money

    (I work in customer service for a chain store credit card. I get a call from a manager, calling on behalf of a customer.)

    Manager: “Hi, one of our customers just applied for a store card and she’d like to use it today. Can you look that up for me?”

    (After pulling up the application, I see that the name on the application doesn’t match the customer’s name. However, for security reasons, I’m not allowed to come right out and say that.)

    Me: “I’m afraid that application was declined due to some of the information not matching. Usually this means a typo somewhere. Could you have your customer try again, please?”

    Manager: “Okay, she just tried it again. Did it go through this time?”

    Me: “No, it’s still saying that the information isn’t matching. Um, you keep saying ‘she’, but on the application, it says ‘Mr.’. Is she applying jointly with someone?”

    Manager: “I’ll ask.” *pause* “Okay, she says everything she does is in her late husband’s name, so that’s the social security number she’s using.”

    Me: “Thank you. I’m not sure how her temperament is, so we’re going to have to be delicate about this. Could you very tactfully let her know that [store name] does not issue credit to dead people?”

    Manager: *laughs* “Will do. Thank you!”

    Let’s Address How You’re Even Dressing Yourself

    , | Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (A customer in her mid-30s approaches me. Note that we use the same standard sizing that is commonly found in other clothing stores.)

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “What size am I?”

    Me: “Well, what size clothes are you wearing right now?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

    Me: “Well, why don’t we get you a size that looks right and you try those on?”

    Customer: “And then what?”

    Me: “If they’re too big, then you try on the size that’s smaller until you find the right one.”

    Customer: “Great idea. Thank you!”

    DNR, Aisle 3

    | Portland, OR, USA | At The Checkout

    (An elderly gentleman approaches my register, unloads a few groceries onto the belt, and waits while I begin ringing his items up.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! How are you doing today?”

    Customer: *very angrily* “FINE!”

    Me: “Did you happen to find everything okay today?”

    Customer: “NO!”

    Me: “I am so sorry, sir. Is there anything that I can help you with today?”

    Customer: *very loudly exclaiming* “I’m alive, aren’t I?!”

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    With Each (Not) Passing Day

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