(I work in the beauty department and a customer comes up to me).

Customer: “I need a face wash for my son that will get rid of the semen on his face.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Are you deaf? He is too oily!”

Me: “You mean sebum?”

(The customer turns the brightest shade of red and runs out the store.)

Customer: “Is it true that you give out free drinks on people’s birthdays?”

Me: “It’s true we’ll give you one free drink, yes, but I need to see your ID to confirm it’s your birthday.”

Customer: *hands over ID*

Me: “Yeah, it’s your birthday. Pity you can’t legally drink ’til your next one.”

(A customer comes up to the register angry and acting pretty drunk.)

Customer: “I bought this purse from you guys, and whenever I go to a store the alarm goes off! You need to fix it!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’ve removed the sensor when you purchased it. You should be fine. It must be something inside your purse.”

Customer: “No! It’s the purse! D*** fix it!”

Me: “Ma’am, you really need to calm down. Our door alarm didn’t go off when you entered the store.”

Customer: “That’s because it only happens at other stores!”

Me: “Well, the only other option is to take your purse apart. I don’t think you want to do that. Are you sure you don’t have any prescription drugs or CDs in there? Those can sometimes trigger the alarm.”

Customer: “I have pills, but they’re not exactly prescription.”

*awkward silence before the customer realizes what they have said*

Customer: “F**k you. I’m not going to jail for this!” *storms out*

(I work at a fast food restaurant and after work, I go to the grocery store still in uniform to pick up dinner.)

Customer: “Hello, can you tell me where the [item] is?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but I don’t work here. I work across the street at [restaurant].” *I point to my hat with the company logo*

Customer: “Why are you pointing at your hat? I don’t understand. Are you going to take me to the [item] or not?”

Me: “I’m really very sorry, but I don’t work here. I can’t help you.”

Customer: “But you have a name tag!”

Related:
One Store To Sell Them All, And In The Darkness Bind Them

(I call the customer.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is [me], may I please speak to [customer]?”

Customer: “Yes, speaking.”

Me: “I am calling from [company name]. There is a slight issue with your account. Do you have a moment to discuss this issue now?”

*long pause*

Customer: “Hello? Hello?! Sorry, I have terrible reception here.”

Me: “Sir, I am speaking to you on your home phone.”

Customer: “What?!” *hangs up*