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    Fashion Over Function Keys

    | Glasgow, Scotland, UK | Technology, Top

    (I’m working as a trainer in a Internet service provider tech support team and I’m taking a call to show the new people how it’s done. One of my assistants is recording the call so we can replay it later.)

    Me: “Welcome to [ISP] tech support. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I’m having problems writing an email. I just can’t seem to do it.”

    (This ISP is known for its less tech savvy customers, so this is rather common.)

    Me: “That’s okay. Do you see a icon like an envelope at the top of the screen?”

    Caller: “Erm, yes!”

    Me: “Okay, click on that.”

    Caller: “Oh, a big box with 2 smaller boxes above it has opened up.”

    Me: “Okay, one of those smaller boxes will say ‘To:’. Can you click on that, please?”

    Caller: “Okay, done that. There’s a little flashing line!”

    Me: “Good, now in that box, we’re going to type an email address. We’ll use mine as a test. It’s C-G-E–”

    Caller: “Wait, wait! How do I put that in?”

    (At this point, I’m wondering if the user can be this stupid.)

    Me: “Well, on your keyboard, hit the letters C-G–”

    Caller: “I can’t.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Caller: “I don’t have a keyboard!”

    Me: “What?”

    Caller: “Well, I threw it away.”

    Me: “Wait. What? Why?!”

    Caller: “It didn’t match the furniture!”

    2 Good 2 Be True, Part 2

    | Florida, USA | Money

    (I work at a check cashing store and one of our biggest products is money orders. We advertise on TV and in huge signs all over the store that we sell free money orders. An old lady comes up to the counter one day and reads off a list of eleven money orders for various amounts totaling almost $2,500. After reading back and confirming, I go to get payment from her.)

    Me: “All right, your total comes to $2,498.”

    Customer: “Right.”

    (She doesn’t do anything.)

    Me: “Ma’am? It’s going to be $2,498 for those money orders.”

    Customer: “Right.”

    (She just stares at me.)

    Me: “Okay, I need $2,498 from you.”

    Customer: “But your sign says free money orders!”

    Me: “Well, yes, we don’t charge for them, but–”

    Customer: “They are supposed to be free!”

    (I haven’t been at this job very long, so my manager hears the customer yelling and comes to see what’s going on.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, what’s wrong?”

    Customer: “He wants me to pay for my money orders!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, money orders are always free, but–”

    Customer: “Exactly! So, I want my money orders!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, you still have to pay for them. We’re not just going to give you over two thousand dollars worth of money orders for free.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t see why they advertise free money orders if they’re not free.”

    2 Good 2 Be True

    Some Concepts, Like Squid, Are Slippery

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

    Customer: “I’d like your grilled calamari salad, please. Also, I’d like to substitute the calamari for squid.”

    Me: “Sir, calamari is Italian for squid.”

    Customer: “No, no, I know the difference. Squid have tentacles, so I want that instead.”

    Me: “Certainly, sir.”

    (I end up having the kitchen make the salad as usual, much to the customer’s satisfaction.)

    Me: “Here is your grilled squid salad, sir!”

    Customer: “See, that wasn’t too hard! Thank you!”

    He Is, If You’re A Belieber

    | Surrey, England, UK | Movies & TV

    (I work the concession stand in a movie theater.)

    Me: “Good afternoon! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Is Justin Bieber working today?”

    Me: *very confused* “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Is Justin Bieber working here today?”

    Me: “Justin Bieber has a record contract across the pond. Why would he work here?”

    Customer: “Guess not then.”

    (The customer and two friends leave. A couple of hours later, a lanky teenager with hair very much like Bieber’s comes down to the concessions stand.)

    Me: “Sorry, but do your friends call you Justin Bieber?”

    New employee: *exasperated* “Yes, why?”

    Me: “They were here not that long ago, but I didn’t realize they were talking about someone that looks like Justin Bieber.”

    Faceless Enemy, Faceless Victim

    | Georgia, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am working the register in the garden center when a man with no arms come through with an item held under his chin. He leans over, drops it on my counter and says that he’ll be right back. He comes back with several more items under his chin, and states that he is ready to check out.)

    Me: “So, how is your day going?”

    Customer: “It’s going fine, thanks!”

    (The transaction goes smoothly until it’s time for him to pay.)

    Customer: “I have no arms, so you’ll have to get the money out of my pocket.”

    (I blink, but it sounds reasonable, so I walk around the counter to get the money. As I reach into his front pocket, he notices

    Customer: “Oops, my fly is open. But, don’t worry. Nothing will jump out at you!”

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