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    Finders Stealers

    | Wilmington, VT, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Money

    (I am bagging groceries at the checkout for a family during Christmas week. This is the busiest week of the year, with many rich out-of-staters coming up to go skiing.)

    Little Girl: “Mommy, look what I found! What should I do with it?”

    (I look over and see that the little girl has found money on the ground.)

    Mother: “Shhhh! Just put it in your pocket, quick!”

    (Knowing our store’s policy, I speak up.)

    Me: “Actually, if you don’t mind, can I hand it into the service desk? That way, if the person who lost it returns, they can get it back.”

    (The little girl hands it to me willingly and I go hand it in. A couple minutes later, the parents come up to the service desk.)

    Father: “My little girl found some money on the ground, and some employee made her hand it in. However, I think she should just have it.”

    Manager: “Store policy says that if no one comes to claim it after 30 days, then the person who found it—your little girl, in the case—can have it.”

    Father: “But it was all tightly rolled up! The person who dropped it was obviously using it to snort coke or something!” *leaves with his family*

    (Ten minutes later, the same family managed to con their way into getting the money by speaking with a different employee at the service desk. The real, original owner—one of our regulars—came in two hours later inquiring about $40 he dropped, which at that point was unfortunately long gone.)

    So Call Me Maybe

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Thank you for calling sales and support! This is [name]; how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I received this letter telling me to call you.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help. Can you tell me what the letter states?”

    Caller: “For 24/7 customer service, call [number].”

    Me: “Okay, sir, did you need any assistance with your account?”

    Caller: “No, the account is fine. This letter says to call.”

    Me: “What you read to me indicates that you should call our number should you need customer service. Did you need any help today sir?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

    Ph.Duh, Part 2

    , | Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Top

    (I work at the college IT department. One day, I get a phone call from a professor.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling the help desk. How may we help you?”

    Professor: “My computer is making a beeping sound. I can’t get it to stop. Can you send someone to fix it?”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll be right over.”

    (I arrive at the professor’s office.)

    Professor: “I don’t understand why it is doing this. It has never done this before.”

    (I notice a rather large book on top of his keyboard.)

    Me: “Sir, you can’t leave objects on top of your keyboard. That is what causes the beeping.”

    (I remove the book.)

    Professor: *embarrassed* “Oh.”

    (This professor is the department chair of the Computer Science division of the college. He has a Ph.D in Computer Science.)

    Related:
    Ph.Duh

    Some People Aren’t Backward Compatible

    | Ohio, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at a public library. Patrons often ask us how to print from the computers.)

    Patron: “I need to pay for my printing.”

    Me: “Okay. When you hit the print button, how much did it say it was going to cost?”

    Patron: “I did not hit the print button.”

    Me: “What computer were you sitting at?”

    Patron: *impatient* “I was not sitting at a computer. I am trying to print from the typewriter!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I am confused. You were not sitting at a computer, but at the typewriter? And you want to print what you typed?”

    Patron: “This is ridiculous! I cannot believe you won’t help me!” *leaves*

    Young (At Heart), Wild, And Free

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am doing a pat down on an older woman in a wheelchair. As I clear each area, I’m letting the woman know that I am moving to a new area. Fairly quickly, it becomes obvious that the woman is intoxicated.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’m going to clear your back now.”

    Woman: *throws her arms out and says quite loudly* “Honey, I’m loaded! You can do whatever you want to me!”

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