Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Adamant, If A Bit Addled

    | Cartersville, GA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I’m a fuel clerk at a large chain grocery store’s gas station. One evening a morbidly obese redneck woman was having trouble getting her pump to work. She wanted to get a fuel injection cleaner (additech) added into her gasoline, but had no clue what she was doing. After swiping a credit card, the pump’s computer screen automatically asks the customer if they want to buy additech. The conversation went like this.)

    Me: “Hey, how are you doing today?”

    Customer: *mouth full of tobacco* “I wanna get some of that Additech stuff!”

    Me: “Alright, after swiping your card the pump will ask if you want to purchase Additech. Press ‘Yes.’ Since you are driving a truck, you will select the $9.99 price by pressing the ’2′ key on the screen.”

    Customer: “I wanna get me some of that Additech stuff!”

    Me: “I understand, ma’am. Please just swipe your card and follow the prompts.”

    Customer: “I WANNA GET SOME F***ING ADDITECH STUFF!” *spits out a glob of tobacco* “Why the f*** won’t you get me some of that f***ing Additech stuff?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, please calm down. Would you like me to show you how?”

    (Frustrated, the customer begins yelling to the other customers in line.)

    Customer: “I’m not retarded! He said I’m retarded!”

    Me: “Ma’am, let me show you.”

    (I walk out to the pump, swipe her card, and as predicted the Additech screen comes up. I set her pump up, and she fills her truck. Afterwards, I come back to my register. A minute later, Ms. Additech comes back.)

    Customer: “What is Additech anyway? DOES IT MAKE YOUR CAR GO BETTER?!”

    Zuck Makes Us All Look Like Schmucks

    | Sonoma, California, USA |

    Customer: “Are you the owner?”

    Me: “Me?”

    Customer: “Yeah!”

    Me: *laughs* “No, sir, I’m 17. I’m just a server.”

    Customer: “So!? Age doesn’t matter! That one Facebook guy was like 16, and he’s a billionaire!”

    In Her Own Inbred World

    | Glen Rock, NJ, USA | Bizarre, Love/Romance

    (I have a tattoo in memory of my cousin who passed away. We were really close. I always get people asking me about it, but this one is by far the worst.)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: *grabs my wrist and looks at my tattoo* “Who’s Johnny?”

    Me: “He’s my cousin.”

    Customer: “Oh! I wanted to marry my cousin once. I was in love with him.”

    Me: “Oh…well…it’s not like that.”

    Customer: “It’s okay, because he’s my second cousin.”

    Me: “It’s not like that. My cousin passed away. I got this tattoo to remember him. I’m not in love with him.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s nice. I should have married my cousin…” *walks away*

    Complimentary Vs. Complimentary

    | Brighton, UK | Food & Drink, Money

    (Having just eaten a generous serving of risotto, a customer waves me over, pointing to his empty plate.)

    Me: “Hi there. Everything alright with your meal?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I’m still hungry. I’d like some more.”

    Me: “There are dessert menus on the tables and specials on the board—”

    Customer: “No. I want more of this.”

    Me: “Sure. Another risotto will be £6.95, please.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to PAY! I just want some more. You should take it as a compliment!”

    Not Always Rights

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m the front office manager of an upscale hotel.)

    Me: “Good morning, I am the manager on duty. I heard that you wanted to speak with me?”

    Customer: “Yes! There were long lines for the elevators this morning, and it caused me to miss breakfast with the rest of my group!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, today we have about 600 people checking out, and if they all attempt to leave at the same time that could cause some waits for the elevators.”

    Customer: “Well, what are you going to do for me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we really cannot control when our guests decide to come and go. The hotel did not cause your misfortune, so I really cannot compensate you.”

    Customer: “What do you mean you can’t control when they come and go? You booked all of these people up! You knew they would be leaving on the same day! Why did you let them all leave on the same day?”

    Me: “Ma’am, as I explained, we have no way of telling our guests when they are allowed to leave. I’m sorry you missed your breakfast, but the best that I can do is offer you my apologies.”

    Customer: “You have to give me something! I read online that if you complain about anything at a hotel, they have to give you something! IT’S THE LAW!”

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