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    As Clear As Muddy

    , | Pennsylvania, USA | Language & Words, Technology

    (I’ve just started on the floor for customer service for a cable company. A customer calls in saying his TV is “muddy”.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, I’m not understanding what is wrong with your TV. Is it pixelated, blue, or fuzzy?”

    Customer: “No, it’s muddy.”

    (After a few minutes of trying to figure out exactly what he meant by muddy.)

    Me: “Sir…do you have mud on your TV?”

    Customer: “D*** it! I said it’s muddy. M-U-T-E…MUDDY!”

    Me: “Sir, do you see a muddy button on your remote?

    Customer: “Yes. ”

    Me: “Press the button.”

    Customer: “That fixed it. Thank you so much!”

    Take Back That Rollback

    | UK | Crazy Requests

    (It’s promotion changeover day, so I’m making my way around the store removing all of the old price tickets that need to be changed and replacing them with new ones. Some of them have lower prices on.)

    Customer: “How dare you?!”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “How dare you lower these prices? You’re taking money away from this business! Get me your manager, please!”

    Self Disservice, Part 2

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Family & Kids, Top

    (I work in the kids’ section of a bookstore that also sells toys and games. I notice that a child has caused the entire display to collapse. I find the mother after making sure the child didn’t hurt himself.)

    Me: “Hi, are you the mother?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “We ask that you look after your children while in [store name]. You need to be with the child and not in another section of the store if they cannot be trusted alone.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to.”

    Me: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to look after my child.”

    Me: *confused* “Well I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s not my job to raise your child for you.”

    Customer: “But I want you to!”

    Related:
    Self Disservice

    Please Do Not Yank The Employees

    | New Jersey, USA | Wild & Unruly

    (I am working as a frozen food clerk in a supermarket. I have long hair. As I am stocking, I feel a tug on my pony tail.)

    Me: *turning around* “Um, can I help you with something?”

    Customer: “No, it’s okay. I just wanted to tug your hair!”

    Me: “Uh, okay. Thanks?”

    Related:
    Please Do Not Lather Up The Employees
    Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees
    Please Do Not Titillate The Employees
    Please Do Not Pet The Employees

    All’s Well That Spends Well

    | England, UK | Technology, Top

    (I sell phones for a specific provider in the UK. Part of my job includes providing basic tech support to customers and sending their phones to repair if they’re broken beyond my means to fix. A guy walks in with a smartphone that clearly isn’t working right; The display is flickering and changing randomly.)

    Customer: *slams phone down hard on my desk* “My phone’s broken!”

    Me: “Let me have a quick look…”

    (I try the basics: restarting the phone, looking for any obvious signs of physical damage, etc. When I take the battery out to look at the liquid damage indicators, I can see they’ve clearly been activated.)

    Me: “Ooh, yikes! Your phone’s water damaged sir, and badly so by the looks of it. I’m afraid it won’t be repairable, by me or our repair centre.”

    Customer: “But I’ve never got it wet.”

    Me: “Maybe you haven’t sir, but something has. These indicators…” *pointing them out* “…only change colour when they get wet. These are bright red, meaning the phone got very wet at some point, and the warranty doesn’t cover that kind of damage.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not? I pay good money for this service. I want my phone fixed!”

    Me: “And normally I’d happily send it to repair for you, but if I do that now, all they will do is send it back unrepaired with a £20 admin charge for running a diagnostic on it.”

    Customer: “So, what do I do? I need my phone!”

    Me: “I understand it’s frustrating when this happens, sir, but the manufacturer’s warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage. The repair team won’t repair it either, as it’s beyond economical repair. You’ll need to buy a new phone or claim this one on your insurance.”

    Customer: “There it is! I knew you just wanted to get me to buy something! Well, I’m not buying anything! Send my phone in, and get it fixed—right now!”

    Me: “Very well, sir. I was just trying to save you some grief.”

    (I book his phone in for repair, and it goes out the next day. Sure enough, a few days later, it returns unrepaired and with an admin charge for £20 due to liquid damage rendering it unrepairable. The customer comes back to collect it and flips out when he sees it hasn’t been repaired.)

    Customer: “What the f*** is wrong with you people?! I didn’t get my f***ing phone wet! It’s not my f***ing fault! Fix my motherf***ing godd*** phone right now or I’m canceling my f***ing contract!”

    Me: “Please stop swearing, sir. I did say this would happen, but you refused to believe me. Also, you can’t cancel your contract because you caused irreparable damage to your handset. The SIM card and services are still fully functional, so no part of the contract has been broken by us.”

    Customer: “THIS IS A F***ING SCAM! YOU’RE ALL F***ING THIEVES!” *starts shouting at other customers in the store* “DON’T BUY ANYTHING FROM HERE! THEY’RE ALL A BUNCH OF F***ING IDIOTS AND THIEVES!” *storms out*

    (After the angry customer leaves, the next customer in line comes up to my desk.)

    Next Customer: “Do you get that a lot?”

    Me: “Far, far more often than logic dictates I should.”

    Next Customer: “You’ve got the patience of a saint, mate. Would selling me a new contract on [our most popular phone and plan] help?”

    Me: “A lot, actually!”

    Next Customer: “Sweet! Here’s my card and ID. GIMME!” *smiles*

    (The rest of the day was a lot better, but I still get people like the angry customer every few days. Last I checked, his contract was being chased up by debt collectors for non-payment of bills.)

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