October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

If Cars Could Run On Stupidity

| ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Transportation

Me: “Thank you for calling roadside assistance; how may I help you?”

Elderly Lady: “Yes, I need you to get my car started; it won’t start.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, can you try to describe the problem to me?”

Elderly Lady: “Well my husband used to drive, but now he’s passed, so I have to drive again, and this stupid car won’t start.”

Me: “Alright, can you take the phone and go to the car. Try to start it, so I can listen?”

(The elderly lady starts grumbling as she goes to the garage.)

Elderly Lady: “So, I put the key in, and this happens.”

(The car tries to turn over, but nothing happens. I’m trying to figure out what it could be, and am about to dispatch a tow truck.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need to you turn the key just a little bit, and tell me if any lights come on.”

Elderly Lady: “One with a box and a squiggly line.”

Me: “Okay, I need to you look on the dashboard and find the letters E and F.”

(The elderly lady is very angry now, as we’ve been on the phone a while and she’s running late.)

Elderly Lady: “They are right beside the box with the squiggly part.”

Me: “Perfect, now where is the line pointing to?”

Elderly Lady: “The E. Why, what the h*** does that mean?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, and I can send help, but your car is out of gas. You need to put gas in the car.”

Elderly Lady: “You mean to tell me that I spent $50,000 on this car, and I still have to put gas in it?!”

Magic Eye Camera

| Boston, MA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(I speak with a woman about her lost cell-phone, which she left in the store. She is very worried that her identity will be stolen. I take her information in case the phone shows up. She has come back two nights in a row, looking for her phone.)

Me: “Hi, the phone still hasn’t turned up?”

Customer: “No, I called loss prevention, and he told me he saw some…” *she does air quotes* “‘activity’ on the security video, but no phone being left or picked up. That is just not good enough for me; I need to know what kind of activity he saw.”

Me: “Well, sometimes it is hard to focus on exactly what you want because we are only looking at a recording.”

Customer: “Well, can’t he just move the cameras around and see where I left my phone?”

Me: “Well, as I said, it is only a recording. We can only see footage of where the camera was focused at the time.”

Customer: “I know, but why didn’t he just move the camera and tell me where I left my phone?”

Me: “It occurred in the past; he can’t go back in time and move what the cameras were looking at.”

Customer: “I don’t think you understand what I am saying.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Well I am going to be filing a police report; maybe they can see more than your loss prevention person!”

A Child Who Knows How To Conduct Himself

| Norway | Family & Kids, Money, Tourists/Travel

(I am 12 years old. I am taking the train with my eight-year-old brother. After waiting for the conductor for about an hour without having paid, I get up and look for him. I find him somewhere down the train.)

Me: “My little brother and I have been riding this train for one hour without paying, and will soon arrive our destination.”

Conductor: “Okay, just find your seat again. I’ll be right there with you.”

(After about 10 minutes, he’s back with us. He takes a seat beside us, leans in, and starts talking.)

Conductor: “I’ve worked this train every day for 20 years. Every day I see kids your age trying to find ways to ride for free. So when you approached me, honest about wanting to pay for yourselves when I had forgotten, you made my day! I have decided to let you ride for free. You should keep the money. Tell your parents that it is yours now, because they raised you to be such honest and good kids, and buy yourselves something nice.”

Needs To Press Paws

| NC, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am cashier at a pet store. I see a man walk into the store, pick up a large and expensive coffee table book on show dogs, and get in my line. My manager has warned me, and shown me a picture of this man. He tries to convince cashiers to give him a refund for items he has just stolen. I immediately page my manager, who, unbeknownst to me, is tied up with a minor medical emergency in the back of the store.)

Thief: “I want to return this item.”

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Thief: “No.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. Without a receipt, I cannot give you a refund.”

Thief: “Give me a refund.”

Me: “Sir, I watched you pick that book up when you came in. I know you did not buy it.”

Thief: “Give me the f****** money, or I’ll kick your a**.”

(Most of the customers in my line start backing away.)

Me: “Sir, I cannot give you any money, and if you leave with that item I will call the police. Please leave the store.”

Thief: “You little a**-hole!”

(The thief grabs the front of my shirt, and rears his arm back to punch me. I throw my arms up to shield my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash of movement. The next thing I see is a spatter of blood on my counter, and the man out cold on the floor with a bloody nose. My manager, with a paramedic from the earlier emergency, walks up.)

Manager: “What the heck just happened?”

(As I tell my story, an assistant manager calls the police, opens another line, and checks out the waiting customers. The paramedic starts checking on the man, who has a clearly broken nose. The man slowly regains consciousness, and points to me.)

Thief: “She assaulted me! I’m going to sue!”

(I talk to the police.)

Me: “He grabbed me, but I never hit him. I don’t know how he got hurt!”

(The man, a known criminal, is handcuffed and put in the police car. The officers and my manager go to review the security cameras. About ten minutes later, I get called to come back to the office.)

Manager: “You have got to watch this!”

(The camera footage clearly shows the man getting the book, getting in line, arguing with me, and then grabbing my shirt. At that moment, the customer in line after him, a tiny, middle-aged Asian woman, leaps up, grabs the hair on the back of his head, slams his face into my counter, and then calmly steps back to where she had been standing. She did it so quickly, that we have to run the footage back on slow to see exactly what she had done. After the thief is out cold, she walks over to the new line that the assistant manager opened, buys her bag of cat food with cash, and leaves without a word. Apparently, the other customers either didn’t see what she did, or decided to keep their mouths shut. We have no idea who she is, and we never see her again. The thief was charged with assault on me, and arrested. Wherever you are lady, thanks! You’re my personal super hero!)

Mostly Crazy, Not So Good

| FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

Me: “Thank you for calling [store] tech support. This is [my name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Uh, yeah. My stopped working. Can I get it replaced free?”

Me: “When did you purchase it?”

Caller: “[Date].”

(I collect his information and locate his purchase and warranty in our database.)

Me: “You’re still within the 90 day warranty. What seems to be the problem with it?”

Caller: “We can’t put the game discs in.”

Me: “You mean some piece of the internal hardware is blocking the disc slot?”

Caller: “No. Last night we were having a party. My roommate got pretty drunk and thought the [game console] was the toaster, and he shoved a Pop-Tart in the slot. We can’t get it out.”

Me: “…You have a Pop-Tart stuck in the slot.”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “I’m afraid that isn’t covered under the warranty, sir.”

Caller: “It isn’t?”

Me: “No. Only manufacturer defects are covered. Damage caused by the customer is not covered.”

Caller: “S***. I guess I don’t need to ask about the Blu-Ray player, then?”

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