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    Check Out The Living Minerals Aisle

    | North Carolina, USA | Pets & Animals, Technology

    (I work in the fishing department at a sporting goods store. We usually get calls asking our opinion on what equipment to use.)

    Caller: “Hi, is this the fishing department?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to know the best rod and reel to use to catch a rocktail fish.”

    Me: “Where is it you are trying to catch it?”

    Caller: “Oh, it’s a fish in Runescape. So, what should I use?”

    (Note: I don’t play Runescape, but know that it’s a computer game.)

    Me: “Sir, are you asking advice on what rod/reel to catch a digital fish?”

    Caller: “Oh… I didn’t really think this through, did I?”

    Fashions Of Dorothy

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (A customer walks in, and I start helping her out with styles and sizes. Her mom walks in right behind her while I’m starting a fitting room.)

    Me: “So, I’m just going to start you out with these styles first. Let me know how they fit.”

    Daughter: “Okay, thanks!”

    (While she’s trying her clothes on, I’m folding product and talking to my coworker.)

    Mom: “Excuse me, sir!”

    Me: “Yes! How’s everything going?”

    Mom: “Are you gay?”

    Me: *chuckling* “Excuse me?”

    Mom: “Are you gay? You’re well groomed, well dressed, and smell good… and, all gay guys look and smell like you. Plus, you know what looks good.”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Mom: “Tell me, how does my daughter look in that outfit? Would you let her be your Hag?”

    Daughter: *blood-shot face* “MOM!” *to me* “I’m sorry, sir.”

    Mom: “What?! The gays always have beautiful girls surrounding them!”

    Thank God His Name Isn’t Johnson

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (I’m ringing up a middle-aged lady.)

    Me: “Do you have a rewards card?”

    Customer: “Yes… last name is ‘Jones.’”

    Me: “Under ‘Jonathan?’”

    Customer: “Yes, as much as possible!”

    Me: *stunned silence*

    Abandon All Mope Ye Who Enter Here

    | Victoria, Australia | Awesome Customers, Love/Romance, Top

    (I’m a 21-year-old girl at work and feeling a bit sad, having broken up with my long-term boyfriend earlier in the week. One of our regular customers, who is 24, is standing around talking to me and my female coworker. Another regular customer, a lovely elderly German man who we call ‘Dante’ because of his favourite game, comes in shortly afterwards.)

    Me: *to Dante* “Hello! How’s Dante’s Inferno going?”

    Dante: “Oh, it’s just great! I love it. But I’ve been playing some other games lately…”

    (He goes on to tell us what he’s been up to. The young customer joins the conversation, too. Once Dante has finished telling us what games he’s playing, he turns to the young customer.)

    Dante: “So, why do you hang around here, young man? I hope you’re not troubling these lovely girls.”

    Young Customer: “Nah, I just hang around and talk, really.”

    Dante: “Ahh, I see. You like one of these girls, huh? I know you do!”

    Young Customer: *laughs and turns red* “How do you know that?”

    Dante: “Well, if you come in every day just to chat, you must not have a girlfriend.” *turns to me* “Darling, are you single?”

    Me: “Umm, yeah. I am.”

    Dante: “You two should get together! You’re nice and he’s nice…” *turns back to the young customer* “…and you’d get free games!”

    Young Customer: “Oh, I dunno. She probably wouldn’t give me free games.”

    Dante: “Yes, she would! You’d be her boyfriend. She’d have to!” *turns to me and steps closer, talking softly in my ear* “Just think about it, yes? He’s a good boy. He’d be lucky to have a girl like you!”

    Me: *grinning ear-to-ear* “Thanks, I’ll think about it!”

    (Two months later, I realised how much of a ‘good boy’ the young customer really was, and it turned out that he’d had a crush on me for a while. We’ve been seeing each other for 8 months now, and a few weeks ago I ran into Dante at a local coffee shop. When I told him he’d been right about us, he was over the moon!)

    Business Cat Like A Boss

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (Note: We are a very small vet clinic and have no office manager. We do have a clinic cat which stays at the counter during the day and he has been jokingly called our office manager.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Good afternoon! I’d like to make an appointment today for my dog’s vaccines.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re completely booked for today. We’re looking at some time late this week or early next week.”

    (Suddenly, the heretofore nice caller goes completely ballistic. He starts screaming at the top of his lungs.)

    Caller: “LISTEN, I WANT AN APPOINTMENT NOW! How dare you talk to me in that tone! You make me an appointment for today, right now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re booked for today.”

    Caller: “You are such a liar! I have never been treated like this before! You are the most rude person I have EVER talked to! I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED. I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR OFFICE MANAGER, RIGHT NOW!”

    Me: “We don’t have an office manager here, sir. I can have you speak to the owner, though.”

    Caller: “Don’t you lie to me! I’LL HAVE YOUR A** FIRED. PUT ME ON RIGHT NOW!”

    (This goes on for a few minutes. I try to calm him down and have him speak to the owner, but he keeps screaming. I look up to see our clinic cat watching me and I get an idea.)

    Me: “Sir, you’re right. We do have an office manager, but he wasn’t in yet so I had to tell you we didn’t have one.”

    (He keeps ranting, and I put the phone near our cat. Note that he’s yelling loud enough for me to hear. The man continues to scream over the phone for a couple minutes before he pauses.)

    Caller: “You’re going to tell that to your employee, right?!”

    Clinic Cat: “Meow?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

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