(After talking to an elderly customer about a computer and all its benefits, I try to talk to him about our in-store warranty.)

Me: “So are you interested in purchasing this computer and having it protected for three years through us?”

Customer: “I would be dead by then.”

Me: “Then it would be a lifetime warranty.”

Customer: *laughs*

Customer: “Excuse me, what is this?”

Me: “That’s an ‘oosik’.”

Customer: “What’s it made of?”

Me: “It’s umm.. the lower anatomy of a walrus.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s a part of a male walrus.”

Customer: “What part?”

Me: “It’s a petrified walrus penis.”

(The customer laughs and runs over to his wife. They talk in their language for a bit then he drags her over by the arm, still giggling.)

Customer: “Tell her what it is!”

(I’m the resort coordinator and often deal with claims from guests who have had an incident.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [resort]. How may I help you today?”

Guest: *already irate* “You can help me by filing a claim for me! I slipped and fell on your property during my vacation and I deserve compensation.”

Me: “I’m so very sorry that happened to you. Can you please provide me with your name and the dates of your stay so I can pull the incident report?”

(She gives me the information.)

Me: “It seems that your stay with us occurred in 2007, almost three years ago. The report says you didn’t want to file a claim at the time. May I ask why you’re just now contacting us?”

Guest: “You should know! You’re the one that hired that voodoo man!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Guest: “The security guard! The security guard who helped me up! He wiped my memory and his spell just wore off!”

Me: “He wiped your memory?”

Guest: “That’s what I just said, you idiot! Wiped it clean so I wouldn’t sue you people!”

Me: “He wiped your memory? Like a Jedi?”

Guest: “Yes! A Jedi! Now you understand why I have to deal with this now! That voodoo man is evil!”

(I am a lunch lady at a high school, and one of the students there is going to be leaving for a trip to Italy soon.)

Me: “What kind of pizza would you like?”

Student: “One pepperoni, one cheese.”

Me: “So are you excited to spend two months in Italy?”

Student: “Yeah, but I’m really going to miss all the good food here at school. Especially pizza.”

Me: “But you’ll be in Italy right? So you can have pizza there.”

Student: “Yeah but it won’t be authentic pizza from America. It’ll just be cheap Italian knock-offs.”

Related:
Ordering Meatballs, Talking Baloney

(Customer has been hovering around my register for the past few minutes.)

Me: “Can I help you find something, sir?”

Customer: “Do these gift cards have expiration dates?”

Me: “Nope, they’ll last until you feel like spending them.”

Customer: “Oh. Uh, where can I find the restroom?”

(As soon as I turn around and point to the bathroom, he grabs a rack of gift cards and sprints for the door, trailing cards behind him.)

Me: *yelling after him* “Sir, those don’t have anything on them until you purchase them.”

(He stops at the door for a moment, then sheepishly returns and puts the rack back.)

Customer: “Why don’t you guys have a freaking sign out saying they’re empty?!”