Customer: “Could you add the tomato I sampled to the total price?”

Me: “Do you mean you ate it?”

Customer: “Yes, please add it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we charge tomatoes by the pound, so that would be kind of hard to do.”

Customer: *thinks for a second* “Well, I weighed 157 pounds before I ate it…”

Customer: “Hi, I think I have a problem with my computer. I tried fixing it myself, but now it’s just not booting at all. I’d like to have it backed up too while you’re at it, because I run a business and I can’t afford to lose anything.”

(The next day, I call the customer.)

Me: “Hello sir, was this the only copy you had for your business data?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, do you have any disgruntled employees that may have had access to your computer recently?”

Customer: “No, why?”

Me: “Well sir, the hard drive has been hacked at with what looks like a flat-head screwdriver, severing a connection on the bottom.  It appears very deliberate, and we wont be able to retrieve your data.”

Customer: “Do you mean the battery?”

Me: “No, sir, the hard drive.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought that little round thing on the bottom of the hard drive was a battery. I was just trying to replace it. Well, I’ll just come in and pick that up.”

Customer: “Very good sir.”

(4 minutes later, he calls back.)

Customer: “Just a quick thing, if my wife comes in, and asks about it, could you leave that part out?”

Guest: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Me: “Hi there! Do you have a question?”

Guest: “Yes. What is this?” *points to a specimen*

Me: “That is called a sea anemone.”

Guest: “Oh…” *walks away, only to walk back a few moments later* “What are they the enemies of?”

(I’m a female. I’ve recently shaved my head for charity.)

Customer’s Son: “Mum, there’s a boy-lady!”

Customer: *distracted* “Is there darling?”

Customer’s Son: “Yes, at the counter.”

(The mother glares at me.)

Customer: “I see.”

Customer’s Son: “Can I be a boy-lady?”

Customer: “No. No you cannot.”

(They finish what they’re doing and as they’re leaving the mother calls me over.)

Customer: “I don’t care what you do at home, but if you want to pass for female in public, buy a d*** wig. You’re corrupting the kids!”

Me: “Hi, Welcome to the post office. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a problem, I deleted all the messages on my house phone, how do I get them back?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well I only wanted to delete one message on my phone, but they all got erased, can you help me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand the problem. You know you have called the postal service, yes?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well unfortunately I can’t assist you. You may need to ring the manufacturer of the phone and see how to get your messages back.”

Customer: “But it’s voice-mail! Mail! Why can’t you help me?!”