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    Price Check Yo Self

    | Oxford, ME, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Money

    (A man comes up to my register with a cart FULL of different brands and sizes of beer.)

    Customer #1: “Can you tell me the price for each one of these? I’m not sure which ones I want.”

    (Because of how many types of beer he has, I know this will take a long time and will hold up the line, so I try another approach.)

    Me: “The price for each one should have been listed on the shelf in front of them.”

    Customer #1: “Well, they weren’t!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (The customer hands me them. I scan each one and tell him the price. As I expected, an unhappy line of customers has formed behind him due to how long it’s taking.)

    Me: “Which ones do you want?”

    Customer #1: *counts out a handful of change* “Hmm… do you have any for less than $1.17?”

    Me: “Uh, no. The 6-packs are the cheapest, and they’re all around $5 at least.”

    (The other customers waiting in line are fed up, and one finally speaks up.)

    Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “Wait a second! Let me get this straight! You had her check the price of all of that beer, making us all wait, and you have less than $2?!”

    Customer #1: “Well, not that it’s any of your business but… yes! It’s her job, after all!”

    Customer #2: “Why didn’t you stop her after the 6-packs? Those are obviously going to be cheaper than the larger packs!”

    Customer #1: “Not necessarily!”

    Customer #3: “Will you just get out of the way?”

    Other Customers: *yelling in agreement*

    (Customer #1 walks off. The rest of the customers in line help me load all the beer back into the cart and then return to the line.)

    Me: “I’m sorry that took so long everyone!”

    Customer #2: “Not your fault! You were just trying to provide good customer service! You didn’t know he was a moron!”

    Good News For (A Heckuva Lot Of) Change

    | NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top

    (The following happens when a well-dressed man comes in with bags full of sweets and gifts.)

    Customer: “What’s your favorite flavor?!”

    Me: “I like the lemon.”

    Customer: “Then, give me that! A large! It’s for my wife!” *shakes with excitement*

    Me: “I guess those presents and sweets are for her, too?”

    Customer: *shakes with even more excitement* “YES! Yes they are!”

    Me: “Here you go. That will be five dollars—”

    Customer: *unable to contain himself* “MY WIFE IS PREGNANT! PREGNANT! I’m going to have a little son or daughter! HIGH FIVE!”

    (The customer proceeds to high five me over the register and throws a bill onto the table.)

    Customer: “I’m going to be a dad! Keep the change!” *skips out of the store*

    (The bill he threw? It was $50!)

    Always Right, Even When Completely Car-razy

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (It’s Christmas time, and the parking lot has completely filled at the mall where I work. A shuttle is actually taking customers from a stadium across the highway where they are letting us overflow traffic. We’re busy at work when we hear a loud crash outside. An SUV has jumped the curb, onto the sidewalk and slammed into a willow reindeer in front of our window. We all rush out, to see if anyone was hurt, in time to see a woman getting out of the driver’s seat.)

    Manager: “Are you alright?!”

    Woman: “The only thing not alright here is your godd*** parking lot. There’s no f***ing parking anywhere!”

    (Cursing up a storm, she yanks two kids out of the backseat and starts walking away.)

    Manager: “Hey, you can’t leave your car here!”

    Woman: “The h*** I can’t! There’s no other godd*** place to park!”

    (Right after she leaves, security arrives. Our store’s door is partially blocked for an hour while they tow the car, and we fill out paperwork with her description and the police are called to assess the damages. Just before close, the woman and her kids, all laden with shopping bags, come storming into our store. She notices her car is missing and begins screaming and yelling. I run to telephone security.)

    Manager: “Mall security towed your car because—”

    Woman: “The h*** they did! You took the car!”

    Manager:I took it?”

    Woman: “You and your little girlies over there must have pushed it somewhere! Where is it?!”

    (She barges past the manager, through the store, and into the backroom. A moment later, we hear screams and something smash. I get off the phone with security and rush back to find she has smashed our employee coffee pot and is knocking over boxes. Seeing me, she shoves back onto the selling floor, and starts knocking over fixtures and mannequins. The manager has rushed all other customers to the fitting rooms for their safety. Grabbing her kids, the woman heads for the door and is literally tackled by mall security. She not only ends up arrested for property damage and assault charges, but they find shoplifted items in her bags. The clincher? She wrote in to corporate later, complaining about our customer service and demanding a free gift card!)

    All Signs Point To Duh, Part 4

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Top

    (I have a patron who has asked for our astrology books, but she has written “astronomy” in her notes. I ask her to clarify.)

    Me: “Okay, so are you looking for astronomy or astrology?”

    Patron: “Um…”

    Me: “Science or mysticism?”

    Patron: “Um…”

    Me: “Are you citing NASA, or Madam Cleo?”

    Patron: *blank stare*

    Me: “Sorry; bad joke. Is Jupiter a god, or is it just another planet?”

    Patron: “What?”

    Me: “I’m just trying to figure out what you’re looking for here. Let’s try this: are you looking for star signs, or just stars?”

    Patron: “I don’t understand what you’re asking me all this for. I just want astrolognomy!”

    Me: “Let’s try one more time. Would the phrase, ‘What’s your sign’ be in any way relevant to what you’re looking for today?”

    Patron: “Are you making fun of me?!”

    Me: “I’m trying not to, really!”

    Related:
    All Signs Point To Duh, Part 3
    All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2
    All Signs Point To Duh

    Incredibly Incognito

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (I’ve been called to the registers, where a customer has been causing a scene because our cashier cannot find a book she ordered.)

    Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am. Did you receive a phone call that your order was in?”

    Customer: “No! But I ordered it a month ago and the salesperson told me it would only take about five days. I knew that girl was an idiot!”

    Cashier: “I searched all over and I can’t find a book under her name. There isn’t even a record of it in our system.”

    Me: “Is it possible you ordered it at a different store? We wouldn’t—”

    Customer: “NO! Stop asking me stupid questions and find my d***ed book!”

    Me: “What was the title of the book? I can try to find your order that way.”

    Customer: “It was [title of book]. Honestly, I can’t believe how incompetent you people are. No wonder everyone shops online these days. I’d look into it myself, but I never give out my personal information. Anyway, can you believe it’s been A MONTH?! What kind of business are you running, anyway? Frankly, I don’t think I should have to pay for it.”

    Me: “Well, someone did place an order for that book, but the name doesn’t match yours and it was only two days ago.”

    Customer: “That’s it! That’s my order!”

    Me: “But the name isn’t yours, and there’s a completely different home address and phone number.”

    Customer: “Are you deaf?! I just told you I never give my personal information out!”

    Me: “Wait, so if you used a different name and phone number, why didn’t you give us that information instead?”

    Customer: “I made it up! You people are always asking for information. How am I supposed to remember what I told you?!”

    Me: “You also said you ordered it a month ago.”

    Customer: “Oh, am I supposed to keep track of how long it’s been?! You want me to do your WHOLE job for you?! I don’t care! I just want the book!”

    Me: “You also called us incompetent. Repeatedly.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t live in the past so much. It’ll give you wrinkles!”

    Related:
    Combo Incognito
    Indecisively Incognito
    Rejection Incognito
    Photo Incognito
    Unraveling Incognito
    Complaining Incognito

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