The A(dobo) Team

| Lompoc, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, One-Liners

(I’m a chef at a Filipino restaurant. My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister, are also on duty with me. A customer in his late 20s comes in.)

Me: “Hello, sir! How are you today?”

Customer: “Hey, babe. Are you free tonight?”

Me: “Do you have something you want to order?”

(The customer gets angry.)

Customer: “Look, I just asked you if you had any plans tonight! Yes or no?!”

Me:“Sir, I have a boyfriend. If you don’t want to order anything, please leave.”

Man: “Ha! What are you gonna do? Huh! Your little boyfriend ain’t gonna do anything to me!”

Me: “Hannibal! B.A.! Face!”

(My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister start walking towards the man.)

Boyfriend: “B.A.? Will you please escort this man out of the premises?”

(My friend walks towards the customer, cracking his knuckles. The customer runs out of the restaurant.)

Boyfriend: “I love it when a plan comes together!”

Sister: “Shut up…”

He Came First

| ACT, Australia | At The Checkout, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(Two customers enter at the same time. One is a woman, and the other is a man in his 70s. I get their scripts ready. As the woman is done first, I send her up to the tills while I finish with the man. Since there is another customer at the tills, I end up putting the man through before the woman is served.)

Woman: “I was here first! How come he is served before me? What does he have that I don’t?

(The man responds without a second thought.)

Man: “Raw sex appeal.”

(If I was allowed to discount scripts, I would have given him his for free.)

Her Credit Didn’t Quite Make The Cut

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Caller: “My card isn’t working, and I think I know why.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Why do you think your card isn’t working?”

Caller: “Well, I cut the end off. I accidentally cut through the chip, and after that it wouldn’t work in the cash register. I think that’s what did it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Did you say that you cut a piece of the card off?”

Caller: “Well, yes. It wouldn’t fit in the pocket in my wallet, so I cut it so that it would fit.”

Me: “Okay. Well, yes. That would most likely be the reason why it isn’t working. We’ll replace the card for you. It should arrive in seven to ten working days. Did you have any other questions or concerns today?”

Caller: “Yes, actually. Do you think if I cut the other side of the card without the chip on it, it would work fine?”

Shrewd With Shoes

| Kansas City, KS, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

(My manager is helping a customer and her daughter find a pair of shoes for the girl.)

Manager: “This style has gone to clearance, so this is the only size we have left.”

Customer: “Okay. Let’s try those on, and see if they fit her.”

(My manager leaves the customer’s to try the shoes on. A few minutes later they come through my line to check out. The shoes are not in their pile of clothing.)

Me: “So, you decided against those shoes?”

(The customer seems flustered.)

Customer: “Yeah, no. They didn’t fit.”

Manager: “Since you aren’t purchasing them, could I have those shoes? I have another customer wanting to try them on.”

(The customer points vaguely to the shoe section. My manager cannot find the shoes, so acting on a hunch, she calls security. I finish the customer’s transaction and bag her items. Security arrives a minute later, and the customer flees the store with her bags. Several minutes later, my manager and a security guard approach my register, holding the pair of shoes the customer said she left on the floor.)

Manager: “I am going to have to write you up.”

Me: “What? What did I do?”

Manager: “You didn’t notice that woman had a pair of high top sneakers stuffed into her jacket! She threw them onto the ground as she was running. But since you checked her ID against her credit card and got all her information, I think I can let it go this time!”

(Thankfully she was joking, and I wasn’t written up. She later testified in court against the customer, getting the thief’s name from the credit card she had used when I rang her up.)

Guessing Is A Whiskey Business

| UK | Awesome Customers, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(An elderly customer comes in. I’ve never seen him before in nearly two years of working there.)

Customer: “I’d like a bottle of whiskey, please.”

Me: “Okay, which one would you like?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know…”

(I step to the side so he has a better view of the whiskey, but he just continues to stare at me. A few seconds pass…)

Me: “Have you decided?”

(The customer becomes irate.)

Customer: “No, I haven’t decided! I was waiting for you to tell me!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I was waiting for you to tell me what I want.”

(I start listing the brands and prices for each bottle.)

Customer: “No! I don’t care about any of that! Just tell me what I want!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not sure what size bottle you’re after, or brand, or even how much money you have on you.”

Customer: “USELESS! You lot are supposed to be here to help. I don’t know why I bothered coming here! Every time I come here, you lot never help me! You’re all USELESS!”

(He storms out the shop. I begin to serve the next customer.)

Customer #2: “Well, that was weird! Anyway, I’d like some wine please.”

Me: “Okay, would you like any wine in particular?”

Customer #2: “I don’t know, red wine? Can’t you just tell me what I want?! You’re so useless! WHY WON’T YOU JUST READ MY MIND AND TELL ME WHAT I WANT?! DO I EVEN LIKE RED WINE?!”

(He pretends to storm out the shop. That guy never fails to cheer us up!)

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