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    Ready To Bust His Pipes

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Bigotry, Home Improvement, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m a fairly petite, young looking woman, who grew up with three brothers, and a single father. I’m one of the better employees for plumbing help, because my dad made me learn.)

    Me: “Welcome to [store]; what’s the project today?”

    Customer: “My toilet leaks; I need one of your guys to help.”

    Me: “Let’s head to plumbing. Where is the leak from?”

    Customer: “I want one of the guys, and not some idiot girl.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll radio one of them.”

    (A coworker responds, and I turn the customer over and go back to restocking. A few minutes later, the customer storms up.)

    Customer: “This is the stupidest hardware store! Where’s your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry; what’s the problem?”

    Customer: “I want your manager!”

    Me: “They’ll be in tomorrow morning.”

    (The customer stomps out. The next day, I’m in plumbing. I am helping one of our regular contractors, when yesterday’s cranky customer returns.)

    Customer: “I want your manager!”

    (The cashier radio calls them, and the owner actually responds first.)

    Owner: “What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “You have idiots working here! They can’t help in plumbing!”

    (The owner gestures to me.)

    Owner: “Sir, she is one of our plumbing experts, and was on last night.”

    Customer: “I know that no idiot girl can help!”

    (The contractor walks up.)

    Contractor: “Watch your mouth! She is the best help you can get without calling a professional!”

    Customer: “NO! Girls should be cashiers, and flirt with customers!”

    Owner: “Sir, you’ll have to leave.”

    Customer: “You can’t make me!”

    Me: “Sir. I have two police officer brothers, a correctional officer father, a jujitsu trainer brother, and my martial arts training. You are leaving. By your choice or by force.”

    (For a few moments, the customer contemplates if it’s worth the fight, but ultimately decides against it.)

    Contractor: “Man, you ruin all my fun by giving him a choice!”

    Owner: “Don’t encourage her. She isn’t in the gym, so she can’t go dislocating elbows here.”

    Contractor: “Now both of you are ruining my fun!” *leaves*

    Mix It Up A Very Very Little

    | AZ, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m working at a take away counter at a corporate place that serves ‘Pan-Asian Cuisine’. A family comes in a couple days every week.)

    Customer: “We want four of the sweet & sour with chicken and the steamed white rice. Make sure the chicken has no sauce, and no vegetables; we just want the plain chicken and rice. And four cokes, please.”

    Me: “Would you like ketchup and fries with that?”

    Customer: “Oh, do you have those?”

    Me: “No, I was just kidding. This is an Asian restaurant.”

    (After the meal, the father of the family comes back to me.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about it the whole meal, and I just didn’t understand the joke you made. I’m really good with knock-knock jokes, but I didn’t get it. Can you explain it to me?”

    Me: “Sorry, I was just kidding because… well… I was just thinking it was funny you come to a restaurant that’s supposed to be spicy and exotic, but you always order the most extremely bland thing you can. It was kind of an American joke. And to be honest, I’m puzzled why you spend such a large amount eating out every week on only a few bowls of steamed white rice and chicken. You know, when I was really poor, I used to eat the same thing because you can get rice and chicken at the grocery store for less than twenty bucks a week. If I had that much money to spend on food, I’d be eating… well, something else. Mixing it up once in a while.”

    Customer: “Hmmm. I guess you have a point.”

    (I was wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut, and hoping I didn’t lose their business. A few days later, the family comes in as usual, only they spend some time looking at the menu before they approach my counter.)

    Customer: “Hi, we’d like to get four of the Thai coconut curry with chicken.”

    Me: “No way, really?!”

    Customer: “Yep. And we would like that with no sauce or vegetables, just steamed white rice.”

    Me: “Oh. Why did you ask for the Thai instead of the Sweet & Sour plain like you usually do?”

    Customer: “I thought about what you said and you’re right, we wanted to mix it up a little!”

    This Call Is Not Open And Shut

    | Nacka, Sweden | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a large home electronics store. We don’t offer any kind of technical support, but you can call us and ask for prices, opening hours, etc. I answer a call.)

    Caller: “I bought a notebook, and a mobile broadband, and I was told I could always call if I had any problems.”

    Me: “Okay”.

    Caller: “Well, I was wondering: how do you open it?”

    Me: “Well, usually there’s a button on the front that you push to open it. Some models are closed by magnets, and in that case you just have to—you—know, open it.”

    Caller: “I don’t see any button. Is it on the side?”

    Me: “No, it’s probably on the front. Sometimes, it’s not a button, but a slider.”

    (This goes on for some time, before I figure out what the customer actually means.)

    Me: “So what you’re really wondering is how to start it?”

    Caller: “I don’t know; maybe that’s what it’s called? I just want to figure out how to get it open and going.”

    Me: “There will be a button somewhere above the keyboard that looks like a ring with a line through it.”

    Caller: “Oh, that’s great. Thanks. Next question: how do I close it?”

    Me: “You mean shut it down? When it’s on, you click on the start menu, and then click shut-down.”

    Caller: “Start menu? How do you mean?”

    Me: “You know, the main menu—the one where you always click to do things—the one where the applications and other things are.”

    Caller: “I don’t see any start menu.”

    Me: “Well, anyhow, there’s a button in the bottom left corner and if you click it, you’ll find the shut down button.”

    Caller: “Okay… I also have problems using this mobile broadband. I have connected it to the computer, and I can’t manage to get it connected to the internet.”

    (It has already been 10 minutes, and I have gone far above the kind of services we offer.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but all of these are support questions. For further questions, I recommend you call the manufacturer.”

    Caller: “I have to call them? Why?”

    Me: “We’re only a store. I’m a salesman, and we only sell products here. The manufacturers provide support for their products.”

    Caller: “What? But, if you get a problem with a product, then you call the store!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that’s not how you get support. We only sell products. Support is provided by the manufacturers. Their number is most certainly somewhere in the manual that came with your computer.”

    Caller: “I have this thing… a mouse. Can that have anything to do with my problems?”

    Me: “Ehm…”

    Left A Stool In The Stall, Part 2

    | Leicestershire, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Health & Body

    (I work in a store that is particularly popular with the elderly. I am helping out with the changing rooms. A little old lady shuffles up to me without any clothes. I try not to look.)

    Me: “Oh! Uh… how did you… uh… find it, ma’am?”

    (The lady gives me an awkward smile, and potters off.)

    Coworker: “She’ll have left a mess in the room; go tidy up.”

    (As I near the empty changing room, an overpowering smell hits me. I slowly open the door to the room, revealing the sweet little old lady has ‘relieved’ her bowels in a corner of the room! Whilst I am standing there, gagging in shock, me coworker appears and sighs.)

    Coworker: “God-d*** it, again?!”

    Left A Stool In The Stall

    I’d Like Nachos With Extra Photoshop Please

    | CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (Our concessions stands have digital menu boards, and our food and drink advertisements play every once in a while. A customer is next in line and comes to my register.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a large drink and nachos.”

    (I get her drink, and bring her the nachos. The nachos are pre-packed, and as soon as I give them to her, she opens them and looks disgusted.)

    Customer: “I don’t want these nachos! The chips are too small! I wanted the larger nachos!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we only have one size, which are what I gave you. Did you want to try any other hot food?”

    Customer: “No, I want large nachos! What about those?! I want those nachos!”

    (The customer points to our screen, which is showing the nacho advertisement.)

    Me: “I’m sorry; that’s the digital screen, displaying an ad for our nachos.”

    Customer: “But those nachos look bigger!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; they’re the same size as the nachos I gave you. The camera is zoomed in to show texture.”

    (The customer has a dumbfounded look on her face, and quietly leaves.)