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    Might We Suggest Freedomfox

    | New Brunswick, Canada | Technology

    (I am working at a call center offering tech support for an American cell phone company’s website.)

    Caller: “Your website is broken!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, we can do some troubleshooting. First, what browser are you using?”

    Caller: “What’s a browser?”

    Me: “You know, Firefox, Chrome, Safari–”

    Caller: “Oh, no, no, no! I only use the good old American Explorer!”

    Good Idea, Bad Idea

    | South Australia, Australia | Technology

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I can get my customer account number? I seem to have lost it.”

    Me: “Not a problem. I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your full name?”

    (The customer gives me his first and last name. I find him in the system, but I require him to state his full name with first, second, and last name. At this point, I notice that his second name is a bit…unusual.)

    Me: *trying not to giggle* “I’m sorry, but I will require your full name, your first, second, and last name.”

    Customer: “Really? Haha, but I was drunk when I registered. Do I really have to say it? You can see it right there. Surely, I don’t need to say it out loud?”

    Me: “Yes, I can see it. It certainly helps in the identification process, which is why I need you to say it for me.”

    Customer: “All right. Okay, my name is [first name] buttmonkey [last name].”

    Me: “Thank you–”

    Customer: “I really need to net nanny the Internet when I drink.”

    Ask Again And You’ll Get Slytherin

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | Family & Kids, Geeks Rule

    (This takes place when I am hosting a release party for one of the Harry Potter books. As kids come in, we “sort” them into a Hogwarts house by having them choose a sticker from a sorting hat.)

    Me: “Welcome! Would you like to get sorted into a Hogwarts House?”

    (The daughter of a customer reaches into the hat and pulls her hand out to reveal a Ravenclaw sticker.)

    Customer: “Ravenclaw?! Hey, buddy, she really wanted Gryffindor. Let her pick again.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. All the Sorting Hat’s decisions are final.”

    Customer: “Just give her a Gryffindor sticker!”

    Me: “I don’t think that would be fair. All the other kids picked and stuck with their choice. And we’re actually getting ready to start an activity for the Ravenclaw kids, so–”

    Customer: “No daughter of mine is getting stuck with those weird Ravenclaw kids! She’s clearly a Gryffindor!”

    Daughter: “Actually, Daddy, I like Ravenclaw. That’s where all the smart kids go!”

    Customer: “Screw that! Who wants to hang out with the nerds? Give her a Gryffindor sticker!”

    Me: “Okay, here you go!”

    Customer: “Finally! I’m going to talk to the manager about you.”

    (As they walk away the customer loudly teases his daughter for wanting to live with the smart kids. He did complain to my manager, but we just had a good laugh about it afterwards.)

    Til Death Do Us Car

    | Bowling Green, KY, USA |

    (I’m working at the customer service desk when an older woman, who
    looks very annoyed, walks up.)

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Is there a phone I can use back here to call someone?”

    Me: “Yeah, sure.”

    (I slide her the phone to dial out.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I can’t find my husband. I don’t know where in the h*** he is!”

    (While she is on the phone, she is looking more and more annoyed. She then sighs very loudly, and slams the phone down.)

    Me: “Did you find him?”

    Customer: “I left him in the car…”

    Kids Say The @#$%est Things

    | New Jersey, USA | Family & Kids

    (A customer comes through my line with a small child.)

    Me: “Aww! How old is your son?”

    Customer: “He’s 4. Isn’t he adorable?”

    Me: “He is.”

    Customer: “Say hi to the nice lady.”

    Son: “F*** you.”

    Me: *shocked*

    Customer: “Isn’t he just precious?”


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