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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    I Can Almost Feel Edward’s Embrace

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Books & Reading

    Customer: “I want to know what romance books are good right now. I want a really good romance, since I’m going on vacation.”

    Me: “Well, I don’t really read romance novels, but I can tell you what is popular. Have you read any Sherrilyn Kenyon?”

    Customer: “What is it? Is it like vampires or something?”

    Me: “It’s considered paranormal romance and is very popular.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything unrealistic.”

    Me: “Well, then you probably don’t want a romance novel.”

    Customer: “I want something realistic like Twilight. Do you have any books like that?”

    The Early Bird Gets The Dumb Worm

    | Blue Jay, CA, USA |

    (We are a brand-new business. We’ve only been open for one week at this point. We open earlier than our competition because it’s a potential market.)

    Customer: “What time do you open in the morning?”

    Me: “5:00 am.”

    Customer: “But [competition] opens at 6:00.”

    Me: “Yes, they do.”

    Customer: “So, why do you open at 5:00?”

    Me: “Because some people leave for work before 6:00.”

    Customer: “But [competition] doesn’t open until 6:00, so how can you open at 5:00?!”

    A Chip Off The Non-biological Block

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Family & Kids

    (It is the end of our day camp, and all of the parents are coming in to pick up their children.)

    Me: “Look, [child]! Your mom is here. You know, you look just like her!”

    Child: “No! I wanna look like my daddy!”

    Mother, to my coworker and me: *quietly* “He doesn’t look like his dad at all, if you know what I mean.”

    (The mother and child leave.)

    Coworker: “I hope she meant that his father has a bunch of recessive traits.”

    Involuntarily Voluntary Or Voluntarily Involuntary

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (This happens to me while I am working as a cashier at a popular fast food place. A big, stereotypical jock teen in a football sweater comes up to my till.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like two apple pies, please.”

    Me: “Sure, hang on a second.”

    (I ring up the order and gives him the pies.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong…”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “I s*** my pants.”

    Me: *shocked* “Wait, what?”

    Customer: “I S*** MY PANTS!” *continues screaming and walks out of the store*

    Liza’s Pigment-less Revenge

    | Connecticut, USA | Bizarre

    (An elderly customer in her 90′s approaches the till with a cartload of items.)

    Customer: “So, have you heard about the albino?”

    (She says this several times. As this was around the time Bin Laden was killed, I presume this is who she is referring to when she says “the albino”.)

    Me: “No?”

    Customer: “Oh, it turns out he’s not dead. They shot him in the head and dumped him over the side, but he’s still alive, they say! He’s going to destroy the U.S. with his weather controlling lasers!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Oh, we’ve never had such bad weather as this. It must be those lasers of his. He wants to destroy us, you know.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *writing out a check* “My mother was Judy Garland, you know!”

    (At this point, the customer starts singing “Over The Rainbow”.)

    Customer: “I’m best friends with president Obama. Oh, my father was furious when I voted democrat. ‘You’re a republican!’ he yelled at me!” *leaves the store*


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