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    Today You Were Helped By Me, Myself, And I

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior

    (I am covering a break in the music department and help a middle-age woman find a CD. Immediately after that I head to the cafe to cover a break there as well, and the same customer comes through to get a drink.)

    Customer: “Didn’t I just see you?”

    Me: “Nah, that was my twin. We wear the same clothes.”

    Customer: “Well, you tell her she was very nice. She helped me find what I wanted.”

    Me: *to coworker, after customer leaves* “I’m gonna go to the registers now and see if I can convince her I’m triplets…”

    Very Black Comedy

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (My friend and I arranged a double date to introduce my girlfriend and me to his girlfriend, who is blind and uses a guide dog. We went to a fairly fancy restaurant that keeps the lights low. Her guide dog is a black lab, so there are a few close calls from passing servers. Shortly after having the appetizers delivered to us we’re approached by one of the servers.)

    Server: “Hello. I’m so sorry to inconvenience your party this evening, but we noticed that your guide dog is quite dark and hard to see in the aisle. If it’s not too much of trouble would you mind if we relocated you a part of the restaurant with less traffic?”

    (The server motions towards one of the unoccupied booths at the back corner of the restaurant. We’re pretty much right in the path from the kitchen to the rest of the restaurant.)

    Me: “What, because he’s black you’re going to toss us at the back of the restaurant?!”

    (The server stands there for a few seconds wide eyed and stammering, obviously not knowing what to say. My friend and I lose our poker face and break down into laughter.)

    Friend: “Don’t worry about it, man. We’re just f****** with you. If you didn’t ask us, we were going to ask you if we could move anyway.”

    Doesn’t Have The Magic Touch

    | LA, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Religion

    (My coworker and I are discussing Harry Potter: which book was our favorite, which movie, what we would have liked to have seen in the movies, etc. when a customer walks in.)

    Customer: *scowling at us* “You shouldn’t read those books. They teach the devil’s work!”

    (My coworker and I reply at the same time.)

    Coworker: “Not really.”

    Me: “Not in the slightest.”

    Customer: “YES, THEY ARE! They have magic in them so they teach the devil’s work!”

    Me: *smiling* “Humor me here, okay?”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Your little girl watches Disney, right? And she really loves the Disney Princesses, right?”

    Customer: *proudly* “Yes! She’s growing up on good, wholesome family movies like I did!”

    Me: “Okay, so she loves the Princess movies. Who is her favorite?”

    Customer: “Right now it’s Rapunzel.”

    Me: “You mean the Disney Princess who has magical hair because her mother ate a magical plant to save her when she was pregnant with Rapunzel? The same Rapunzel who was kidnapped by a witch and kept in a tower?”

    Customer: “Yes! The witch was evil! She wanted to use Rapunzel’s magical hair all for herself.”

    Me: “Right. Rapunzel’s magical hair that healed people when she sang.”

    Customer: *snottily* “What’s your point?”

    Me: “My point is that you let your child watch Disney movies that are full of talking animals, magical hair, enchanted furniture, etcetera, etcetera, but you don’t think my coworker and I should read Harry Potter because it has magic in it, making it the devil’s work.”

    Customer: “That’s right!”

    Me: “You see the flaw in your logic, right?”

    Customer: *loudly* “There is no flaw! Magic is evil and that’s that!”

    Me: *rubbing my temples* “Right. Did you actually need anything tonight?”

    Customer: “No! I think I’ll go to the dollar store down the street instead!”

    Me: “You do that, ma’am.”

    Just Telling It Like It Is

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Bizarre

    (Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

    Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

    Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

    Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

    Customer: “Regarding [liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

    (I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

    Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

    Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

    Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

    Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

    Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

    (The customer begins walking out the door.)

    Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

    Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

    (He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

    Old Lady: “Who was that?”

    Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

    Your Nameless Days Are Numbered

    | IL, USA | Extra Stupid

    (We always ask for the name first for several reasons. We need to give the system time to populate their information and we need to make sure that we’re allowed to speak to the caller before we get in too deep.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m calling about my claim for date of service [date] with [Doctor] and you guys say I owe [amount].”

    (I head-desk, and pause longer than company standard, as I furiously try to note the information I was given because we get dinged for making callers repeat information.)

    Me: “Okay, I can look at that claim for you. May I have your name, please?”

    Customer: *gives first, middle, and last name, spelling all three*

    Me: “Thank you. And may I have your phone number so I can document that we spoke today?”

    Customer: “What number?”

    Me: *reaches for more headache meds and coffee*

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