Customer: “I’d like two tickets for the Green Knight, please.”

Me: “You mean the Dark Knight, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, I mean the Green Knight! The Batman movie!”

Me: “Ma’am, the only Batman movie currently showing is the Dark Knight.”

Customer: “I’ve never heard of that! I don’t want to see it! Give me two for the Green Knight!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no such movie.”

Customer: “Fine. We’ll go see this Dark Knight thing, then. But I just want you to know I am not pleased!”

(It’s Halloween, and I’m dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)

Me: “Did you find everything you needed tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Customer: “But don’t you think you took it a little too far?”

Me: “Uh… took what too far?”

Customer: “Well I understand that you’re supposed to be some type of vampire, but don’t you think that necklace is taking it too far?”

Me: “Oh, that. That’s not part of my costume, I always wear that.”

Customer: *loudly* “Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that’s just fine with me… but they shouldn’t be letting you wear that here in a public place!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well, why shouldn’t they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I’m the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we’re gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.”

Customer, to one of my managers: “Aren’t you going to do anything about what she said to me?”

Manager #1: “Yes, ma’am. As soon as you leave, we’re going to close the store.”

Customer: “THAT’S IT?!”

Manager #2: “Of course not, ma’am. You heard the rest of our… plans.”

(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)

(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

Drunken table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

(They proceed to order 10 different, complex cocktail orders.)

Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

(Five minutes later…)

Lady at drunken table: “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

Lady at drunken table: “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

Doctor at drunken table: “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”

Me: “Thank you for calling **** refill center. May I verify the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I hear four loud beeps as the customer pressing the buttons on his phone.)

Me: “Sir, can you please TELL me the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

Customer: Oh, sure…”

(Four loud beeps again.)

Me: “Sir, I need you to say to me the last four digits of your mobile number.”

Customer: “Oh, okay…” *reads numbers*

Me: “Thank you. And may I verify your zip code, please?”

Customer: “Sure.”

(Another five beeps come from the phone.)

Me: *whimpers*

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about 7 lbs.”

Customer: “How big are they now?”

Me: “They’re about 4 lbs right now.”

Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

Customer: “How much is Bud Light?”

Bartender: “$3.75″

Customer: “Well, how much is Miller Light?”

Bartender: “$3.75.”

Customer: “D***! Whats the cheapest thing you got in here?!”

Bartender: “YOU!”

Elderly Lady #1: “Now, what are the prices like for this show?”

Coworker: “Well, they’re-”

Elderly Lady #2: “Don’t tell us it’s expensive! I don’t want to spend too much money!”

Coworker: *holds out price sheet* “Here are the–”

Elderly Lady #1: “Oh, would you look at that. Look at those prices. Now where are these seats?”

Coworker: “Those are right-”

Elderly Lady #2: “No, we don’t want to sit there. It’s too far in the back.”

Coworker: “Actually, ma’am, they’re–”

Elderly Lady #1: “Those seats are okay… they’re in the middle.”

Elderly Lady #2: “Do they have anything closer on an aisle?”

Coworker: “Unfortunately– ”

Elderly Lady #1: “What do you need to be closer for? Those seats are fine. George and Harry will like them.”

Elderly Lady #2: “Yes, but I’d rather be able to sit as far from Martha as possible.”

Elderly Lady #1: “Ah, yes… we don’t like Martha. She talks so much you can never get a word in!”

Related:
Speak For Yourself

(I was teaching a 60 year-old or so guy how to use the internet.)

Customer: “So… I can search for… ANYTHING?”

Me: “Anything.”

Customer: “And this will just find it for me?”

Me: “Yup.”

(We search for a baseball score, find it, and go back to Google. He clicks on the search bar again and “baseball scores” comes up.)

Customer: “Oh, it keeps a list?”

Me: “Yeah, so it’s easier to find the stuff you like next time.”

Customer: *disheartened* “Can I get rid of that? You know, like if I… you know… buy my wife a present or something and don’t want her to know about it?”

Me: “Yeah, just click on ‘Reset Safari’ and it will delete any evidence of what you searched.”

(The guy is clearly dumbfounded at the world of opportunities now available to him.)

Customer: “You just saved my marriage.”

(Enjoy your porn, Gary.)

(At a fairly new nice french restaurant. Chef comes to dining area to interact with the customers; he has an obvious French accent.)

Chef: “Hi ladies, how was everything?”

Customer: “The food was delicious. Where did you learn to cook?”

Chef: “Well, I was born in France and went to school there.”

Customer: “Really? Do you speak French? I mean, I know everyone in Europe speaks English, but do you know French?”

Chef: *walks away disgusted*

(A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

(She came back.)