November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Modem Warfare

| NY, USA | Technology

(I’m a tier-one tech support rep for internet issues. I receive a call from a customer who is very angry, because his internet still isn’t working, despite multiple calls and field tech visits.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

(The customer begins a tirade of how inept my company is, including everything that’s been done so far. I begin basic troubleshooting as per policy, which doesn’t get the customer back online. I’m about to schedule another field tech to go out the customer.)

Customer: “This is great! You’re too f****** stupid to fix anything, and now I have to waste another f****** day so you can send out another f****** tech! Everything’s already been replaced! They replaced all the lines; I replaced the router and the modem! Why can’t you do your f****** job and fix this?!”

Me: “Did you say you have a new modem? I’m only seeing the one that was installed 10 years ago.”

Customer: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Did you call to have the new modem added to your account, sir?”

Customer: “Why the h*** would I do that?”

Me: “That’s why I’m not seeing the modem, sir. We need to add it to your account so that our system knows where to send the signal.”

(I proceed to enter the new modem to the account, which results in my being able to see good signals. I have the customer try to access the internet, which is now working.)

Me: “I just want to make sure the computer isn’t remembering a website from earlier. Could you try two random websites for me so we can be sure everything’s working?”

Customer: *embarrassed* “I did; it’s fine now!” *click*

Body Language Lost In Translation

| OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Liars & Scammers, Top

(One of our new employees is dealing with a customer who is clearly angry, and is being physically aggressive and threatening. We are on the verge of calling security, but we can see that our new employee is still very calm. We hit the button when we see the customer lunge at her, despite the fact that she doesn’t react at all, and just stares at him. I run over to see what’s wrong.)

Me: “Hi there, I’m the manager. Is there a problem I can help with?”

Customer: “This white b**** won’t give me the sale price!”

(The customer waves a sale leaflet from one of our competitors in my face.)

New Employee: *still very calm* “I tried to tell him that isn’t our flyer, and we don’t even have that item, but he doesn’t seem interested in hearing that.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me, you b****! You just don’t want me to get this great price!”

New Employee: “Sir, I have two things to say. Firstly, that flyer is from last year—”

Customer: “How the f*** do you know?!”

New Employee: “Because, it’s for a summer sale, and it is currently February. Second, if we had that item at a great price and you wanted it but could not find it, I would do my best to track it down in-store for you. If we didn’t have it here, I would call other stores for you. The simple truth is that we don’t carry that particular item.”

Customer: “How the f*** do you know?”

New Employee: “Because, sir, it’s an adult novelty, and this is a children’s clothing store.”

(Security arrives and escorts the customer out of the store.)

Me: “I don’t know how you were able to stay so calm! You almost sounded bored! I don’t think your expression changed the entire time!”

New Employee: “Oh, I have a lot of trouble with body language. I figured out a long time ago that when I get confused, it’s better not to respond at all, because usually I laugh and it makes them angry.”

(She’s now one of our area supervisors, and is actually better at handling the rare aggressive customer we get than our security team. This is because, apparently, a person who can’t be intimidated makes people uncomfortable.)

Ironic That She Wants A RACE Car

| Barrie, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

(I work at a fast food establishment that gives out toys with their kids meals. This particular month, we have dolls, or toy cars. There are four dolls in the set; two are white, one is Asian, and one is black. On this day, we only have the black doll in stock.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like a different doll, please.”

Me: “Sorry, those are the only dolls we have available right now.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I can see one right there.”

(The customer points to the toy display case.)

Me: “Those are for display only, sorry.”

Customer: “Open your f****** case, and get me another doll! I don’t want my daughter playing with some n***** doll!”

Me: “I’m sorry; we really don’t have any other doll. If you like, hang on to it, and come back next week when we get our new toys. You can switch it then.”

Customer: “Not good enough; I want a manager!”

(I go into the back, and explain to a black staffer—who happens to be built like a tank—what is happening. I ask him to go up front and pretend to be the manager.)

Coworker: “My employee explained the situation. What would you like me to do about it?”

Customer: *turns red and looks completely terrified* “I’d like to switch this for a car, please?”

Using Her Outside Voice

, | USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

(It is very early in the morning, and most of our customers are elderly folks coming in to drink coffee and socialize. A very sweet older customer comes to my register.)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am! How are you today?”

Customer: “My aren’t you chipper in the morning! I’m doing pretty good this morning dear; how are you today?”

Me: “I’m just great; thank you for asking. How can I help you this morning, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well I’m not too hungry just yet, so I think I will just have one small coffee for now.”

(I ring her in, and tell her the total. She begins slowly taking coins out of her purse, so I turn to make her coffee. I can hear her mumbling to herself. I assume she is counting, until I return with her coffee only to catch the tail end of a string of obscenities.)

Customer: “D*** f****** dime! Where the f****** h*** is a penny! Stupid little b******!”

(I am dumbstruck as the sweet little lady continues to mumble to herself while counting out her change. Finally, she finishes counting and she notices the look on my face.)

Customer: “Oh my, I wasn’t speaking out loud again, was I?”

(I nod slowly.)

Customer: “Oh, goodness! I’m sorry you had to hear that! I wasn’t saying anything bad about you; you’re such a sweet girl. It’s just I’m so d*** old and I can’t f****** see. It’s just so frustrating! Well, have a great morning dear!”

He Must Be Baked

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I am with my family at a Chinese restaurant. My father has kept the waitress at our table for at least five minutes, trying to order what he wants. He is mostly speaking about the food itself, and then moving on. He finally thinks of something he wants.)

Father: “Oh. I’ll have the salty fried pork with pepper. Do you have that?”

Waitress: “No, but we have similar.”

(My brother slides the menu to our father, and points at the baked salted pork.)

Waitress: “You’ll have that?”

Brother: “Yes, he will.”

Father: “Wait, so not peppered?”

Waitress: “No pepper.”

Father: “Oh, okay, so it’s salty fried pork. I’ll have that.”

Waitress: “It’s salted baked pork.”

Father: “Yes, yes, I understand, but it’s fried right?”

Waitress: “Baked.”

Father: “Fried?”

Waitress: “Baked.”

Father: “Fried?”

Waitress: “Baked.”

Father: “Fried?”

Waitress: “Baked.”

Father: “Fried?”

Waitress: “Yes.”