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  • Bigotry Comes In All Shapes And Sizes
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    Liza’s Pigment-less Revenge

    | Connecticut, USA | Bizarre

    (An elderly customer in her 90′s approaches the till with a cartload of items.)

    Customer: “So, have you heard about the albino?”

    (She says this several times. As this was around the time Bin Laden was killed, I presume this is who she is referring to when she says “the albino”.)

    Me: “No?”

    Customer: “Oh, it turns out he’s not dead. They shot him in the head and dumped him over the side, but he’s still alive, they say! He’s going to destroy the U.S. with his weather controlling lasers!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Oh, we’ve never had such bad weather as this. It must be those lasers of his. He wants to destroy us, you know.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *writing out a check* “My mother was Judy Garland, you know!”

    (At this point, the customer starts singing “Over The Rainbow”.)

    Customer: “I’m best friends with president Obama. Oh, my father was furious when I voted democrat. ‘You’re a republican!’ he yelled at me!” *leaves the store*

    Honestly (Not) Abe

    | Lebanon, PA, USA | Family & Kids

    (I work as a cashier at a popular retail store in a town that is near Amish and Mennonite communities. It is not unusual to see them around town.)

    Boy: “Look mommy! It’s Abraham Lincoln!”

    (Confused, his mother and I look where he is pointing and see an Amish gentleman standing off to the side looking a bit out of place. At this point, both his mother and I are having a hard time keeping a straight face.)

    Me: “No sweetie. That’s not Abraham Lincoln. He’s Amish.”

    (The little boy gasps and his eyes widen in disbelief. He leans forward and whispers to me.)

    Boy: “You mean, he’s allowed in here?”

    Me: “Of course he is! This store welcomes everyone’s money!”

    (The little boy stares at the man, shocked, as I finish ringing up his mothers purchases.)

    Boy: *as they’re leaving* “Bye, Mr. Lincoln!”

    A Report, A Memo, A Notification

    | Orange County, CA, USA |

    Me: “Good morning, this is [name] at [company]. How may I help you?

    Caller: “May I please speak to [co-worker]?”

    Me: “He is not in the office today. May I take a message?”

    Caller: “No, I just wanted to confirm if he got my email. Can you have him call me and let me know?”

    Me: “Of course, may I get your name and phone number?”

    (The customer proceeds to give me a phone number, the spelling of her name, and a detailed message.)

    Me: “Okay, I have everything. I’ll be sure to give him your message as soon as possible.”

    Caller: “No! I didn’t want to leave a message. I just want him to call me back.”

    Me: “But you do want me to tell him it’s regarding your email, correct?”

    Caller: “Yes! And don’t forget to let him know about the change in time.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll give him the message.”

    Caller: “I’m not leaving him a message! I just want you to give him that information!”

    Out With The Old And In With The Nothing

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Technology

    (This is the second time this customer has called in today for the same issue, after calling in 3 times about it yesterday.)

    Me: “I can understand how you are frustrated that your email is not working in Outlook. However, it still works in webmail, so why don’t you use that for the time being until we hear back from our hosting technicians about your issue?”

    Caller: “That’s not what I’m paying for! I want you to fix my Outlook right now!”

    Me: “Sir, we do not provide Outlook. We provide the webmail that routes to your email, so you aren’t paying us for something that is unavailable. The webmail still works, so you can still use that for now.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to use that archaic piece of garbage! I want my Outlook! You guys are putting me out of business!”

    Me: “So, you won’t use webmail, even though it still works, because you don’t like the layout?”

    Caller: “I want my Outlook back! You are putting me out of business with this delay!”

    (Note: it has been less than 24 hours since the original complaint was filed.)

    Me: “Sir, our technicians are working on the issue. This issue will take time to fix.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m not seeing any effort! Tell them to work faster! I will be calling back this afternoon to speak with a supervisor! You are putting me out of business!”

    Me: “Sir, there is nothing that can be done except wait and use the webmail service for now.”

    Caller: “But I don’t want to use webmail! I want to use my Outlook! You go tell those guys to stop drinking coffee and fix my email! Don’t you understand how I feel?”

    Me: “Certainly, sir, but the webmail service we provide is still working, so you can use it for the time being to keep in contact with your clients and your business won’t be affected.”

    Caller: “You aren’t listening! Forget it! You’re putting me out of business and I will not use the webmail!” *hangs up*

    Be Sure To Ask For Frickin Laser Beams

    | Lower Saxony, Germany | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I’m refilling a bunch of buckets with pet food when a customer approaches. He’s dressed entirely in black, has long hair, and an intimidatingly large beard. I have previously seen him staring at snakes for a while.)

    Customer: “Hi, I was wondering, which pet would you recommend for an evil overlord?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, for the aspiring world dominator. I want something that looks evil and intimidating…something that can tear my enemies to shreds!”

    Me: “Uh…I’m sorry, sir, the most vile animals we have would be those kittens over there and I don’t think they’re quite big enough to kill someone.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “What about sharks?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry. We don’t have the space for such a big aquarium in here.”

    Customer: “Well, d***. I don’t suppose you have lions or siberian tigers, then?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not.”

    Customer: “D*** right you’re afraid! When I’m your master, I’ll come back with an army of battlehamsters and feed you to them!”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “I’m looking forward to that.”

    (He leaves the shop, but only after buying three hamsters.)


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