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    Everything’s Backward In Texas

    | Texas, USA | Geography, Hotels & Lodging, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [name of hotel]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, this is going to be my first trip to Texas and I need to know a few things.”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Okay, you all have beds, right? Or do we sleep in hay?”

    Me: “Um, we have both full size and queen beds in our rooms.”

    Caller: “Okay, good! Now, what about air condition? I hear it’s hot in Texas.”

    Me: “All our rooms have air conditioners along with fans.”

    Caller: “Okay, good. Now what about ice? You do have ice in Texas, right?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do have ice.”

    Caller: “Great! You guys have finally caught up with the times. Thank you!” *hangs up*

    Not A Fan Of Poly-gab-at-me

    | Utah, USA | Bigotry, Religion

    (I’m finishing up a tech support call. The conversation has been normal up until this point.)

    Customer: “Can I ask where you’re located? You’re not in India, are you?”

    Me: “No, we are not in India. We are located in Utah.”

    Customer: “Utah, huh? Can I ask you a personal question?”

    Me: “Well, I generally avoid discussing personal matters with people I don’t know.”

    Customer: “Okay, well, are you Mormon?”

    Me: “I am.”

    Customer: “How many wives do you have?”

    Me: “None.”

    Customer: “Okay, okay…but how many are you going to have?”

    Me: “One.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on, you’re Mormon! Shouldn’t you have like twenty?”

    Me: “Sir, it is a common misconception that Mormons have more than one wife, but we don’t. Is there any other technical issue I can help you with?”

    Customer: “I would become Mormon just so I could have a bunch of wives.”

    (In the background, I hear a woman yelling at the man I’m speaking with.)

    Customer: “Shut up, woman! I’m on the phone!”

    Me: “It doesn’t sound like you can handle the wife you already have. Why would you want more?”

    Customer: “Well, I wouldn’t want to talk to them!”

    Trust Us, There Are Far Worse

    | Brisbane, Qld, Australia | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Um, I’d like the…is the teriyaki good?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s one of our most popular subs.”

    Customer: “Okay, a teriyaki chicken sub on…Italian Herbs & Spices?”

    Me: “Italian Herb & Cheese? No problem.”

    Customer: “Yes, sorry. Uh, not toasted. Can I have that dark orange cheese?”

    Me: “The old english? Sure. Which salad would you like?”

    Customer: “Um…Lettuce, tomato…cucumber, carrot…ooh, and just a little bit of onion.”

    Me: “Of course. Would you like the Sweet Onion sauce?”

    Customer: “Is that good with that?”

    Me: “It’s the recommended sauce, yes.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Yes please. Boy, I bet I’m just the worst customer!”

    Me: “Not. Even. Close.”

    Without Money, You’re Just Funny

    | South Dakota, USA | Money

    (I work at the customer service counter at a grocery chain. We sell tickets for the state lotteries. A disheveled-looking gentleman approaches the counter and buys a ticket.)

    Customer: “What’s the [lottery name] up to?”

    Me: “The current jackpot is [amount].”

    Customer: “That’d be kind of nice, you know. I’d be eccentric if I had that much money. Right now, I’m just weird!”

    Some Customers Are Out Of Line

    | Canandaigua, NY, USA | At The Checkout

    (We have a customer who occasionally comes in who is in a wheelchair. So, to make things easy, he just calls us when he’s in the parking lot and asks for assistance. We come out and take care of getting movies for him. This happens right after I come back in to grab him a movie, and hop back on the register. There is one other person in line.)

    Customer: “This is absolute bulls***. Why can’t he just get out of his car like everyone else?!”

    Me: “Sorry, guys, but he’s a paraplegic and this would just make things easier on him.”

    Customer: “That’s no excuse! He should come in like the rest of us! I want you to take care of me now. I was first in line!”

    Me: “With all due respect, no, you weren’t. He called long before you got up to the register, and I’m not gonna make him get out of his car and potentially hurt himself to save you an extra 20 seconds. I will be with you in a second.”

    Customer: *shuts up*

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