Customer: “Hello dear. Could you tell me where the bathrooms are?”

Me: “Towards the back of the restaurant, behind the bar.”

Customer: “Thank you.”

(The customer goes away for a time and comes to find me later.)

Customer: “Thank you again, dear, but you may want to change your bathroom decor. It looks a lot like a freezer.”

Me: “Ma’am, our bathrooms look nothing like a freezer. They are normal bathrooms.”

Customer: “Oh dear…”

(Our store plays soft, acoustic music over the speakers. An old man approaches me angrily.)

Customer: “Your music is too loud!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Your music is too loud. I can’t read!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Most people like it.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t be playing music in a bookstore! It should be like a library!”

(He storms off, yelling over his shoulder.)

Customer: “I don’t come in here to buy things, I come in here to read! It should be like a library!”

Related:
I Can’t Hear Myself Think

Me: “Can you check the cable from the wall to your router?”

Customer: “What cable?”

Me: “The DSL cable. The one that goes from the phone-outlet in the wall, to the router.”

Customer: “That ‘wall’ you are talking about…is that something you installed for me?”

(A customer is looking at printer cartridges/)

Me: “Hi, can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a black and white ink cartridge.”

Me: *joking* “Well, we’re out of black and white ink. How about black and clear?”

Customer: “No! I really need the white ink!”

(A customer is requesting a refund on a computer.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I cannot give you a refund on your computer.”

Customer: “What?! Why the not?!”

Me: “You don’t have a receipt. It’s two years old, and long out of warranty.”

Customer: “I’ll have you know, I’m a lawyer and I could sue you for everything you’ve got!”

Me: “We only have a 30 day refund policy. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I’m an assistant attorney general, and I will have you reported! This is an outrage!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Don’t you take that tone with me! I’m a board member of this chain, and you need to serve me!”

Me: “If there is nothing else, I’m going to have to ask you to remove your device and leave.”

Customer: “You can’t tell me to leave! I’m the owner’s nephew!”

Me: “Please calm down and leave.”

Customer: “Do you have any idea who I am?!”

Me: “Do you?”