(While working for a customer service department, I get this call.)
Caller: “How do I hook up my cable box to the VCR, and the VCR to the TV?”
(I walk her through the process, TV out from the back of the cable box, to TV in on the VCR, TV out on the VCR, to antenna in on the television.)
Caller: “No, not getting anything.”
(I explain it to her again.)
Caller: “Still nothing.”
(I walk her through the process: “A” to “B”, “C” to “D”. I do this for the next half hour with no result. Finally, I give up.)
Me: “Ma’am, how many cables do you have?”
Me: “So, when I ask you to attach the cable to each point, where do you get the cable from?”
Caller: “Oh, I just disconnect it from the previous spot!”
Me: “Welcome to [theater name].”
Customer: “Two tickets to Chippendales.”
Me: *brief moment of silence* “Um…what?”
Customer: “I said I would like two tickets for Alvin and the Chippendales!”
Me: “Do you mean Alvin and the Chipmunks?”
Customer: “Whatever, just give me two tickets to that movie!”
In addition to our weekly roundups, each month we’ll be sharing our most popular reader-voted stories.
March Monthly Roundup: This month, we share five stories that show that customers can be bad, but at least they’re not boring!
- She Fought The Law, And The Law Won, Part 2:
Think you’re going to buy booze for your underaged, 16-year-old daughter? Not on this liquor store employee’s watch!
- When Press Comes To Shove:
A blustery customer counts on berating an employee to get his way; what he didn’t count on: the employee’s 6’5″, 250-lb. fiance waiting in the back.
- The Height Of (Mt.) Misogyny:
Misogynists really should go jump off a cliff, but this sexist customer probably couldn’t make it to the top anyway.
- Weeding Out The Dumb Ones, Part 2:
Either this guy’s in the wrong shop, or those are the LARGEST. BONGS. EVER.
- So Good She Doesn’t Need A Weapon:
A little girl learns that although diamonds are forever, mommy’s handcuffs are for her eyes only.
(At our store, we have this point card where if you get 10 points, you get a free drink. Unfortunately, if a customer has more than one card, we aren’t allowed to combine the points together.)
Customer: *throws four cards in front of me* “Check these.”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Customer: “Check them! I want you to combine the points together. I should I have a free drink now.”
Me: “Sorry, but we aren’t allowed to combine the poi—”
Customer’s friend: “What’re you waiting for? She’s a customer! You have to do as we say. Hurry up and give us our free drink.”
Me: “I’m sorry. As I was trying to say before, we can’t combine card points.”
Customer: “Oh, well, just use the one that has the most points on it.”
Me: *proceeds to check each card*
Customer’s friend: “Hurry up! You’re Chinese! You have to work faster!”
(Once we’ve finished dealing with the customers, my co-worker comes up to me.)
Coworker: “Man those two were just…really annoying. I’m surprised you didn’t tell that guy off.”
Me: “Ah, it’s okay. I just used the card with the fewest points.”
(Note: my job at the airport is to give information to tourists as a courtesy.)
Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”
Customer: “How do I get to New Orleans from here?”
Me: “You’ll need to take a flight. It’s on the other side of the country.”
Customer: “No, it’s not.”
Me: “Yes, it’s in Louisiana.”
Customer: *getting mad* “Well, I’m from Houston and I’d be pretty pissed off if I went all this way for nothing!”
Me: “Wait…if you wanted to go to New Orleans, why did you take a plane to Los Angeles?”
Customer: “Because I’ve been wanting to visit my old pen pal for awhile to surprise him. Every time I send him a letter, I write ‘New Orleans, LA’ on the envelope. That’s L.A.! That’s where I am, and I know you’re lying!”
The Great State Of Confusion, Part 3
Make Benefit Glorious Guestlogisticstan
The Great State Of Confusion, Part 2
The Great State Of Confusion
The Great State Of Ignorance