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    Size Matters, Part 9

    | Michigan, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I work as a barista at my local coffee shop.)

    Customer: “I’d like a coffee to go.”

    Me: “Awesome, did you want the small size or the big one?”

    Customer: “Small. I might be a big guy, but I have a small thing—” *catches himself* “I mean, I like small things—” *catches himself again*

    Me: “It’s okay—”

    Customer: “I mean…uh…small. I will take a small cup, fill it with coffee, and then leave so you and your coworker can laugh at me.”

    Me: *smiles and contains laughter* “That’ll be $1.75.”

    Related:
    Size Matters, Part 8
    Size Matters, Part 7
    Size Matters, Part 6
    Size Matters, Part 5
    Size Matters, Part 4
    Size Matters, Part 3
    Size Matters, Part 2
    Size Matters

    He Sees You When You’re Sleeping

    | Coon Rapids, MN, USA |

    (It’s about a week before Christmas. A man who is in the camera section for literally three hours finally comes up to be rung up. He is just buying a few office things. I say the regular things that we say to each customer and in the middle it turns weird.)

    Customer: “Have you been a good girl this year?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Would you be on Santa’s naughty or nice list?”

    Me: *feeling uncomfortable* “I am sorry, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

    Customer: “Did you ask Santa for a special toy this year?”

    Me: “Since I am not a child, no, I did not ask for a toy.”

    (I think he realizes his weird questions aren’t getting anywhere, so he is quiet for the moment. When I am done with the transaction I mumble for him to have a nice day.)

    Customer: “I hope Santa brings you a very special toy this year. You’re a very good girl!”

    Not Quite The Pizza Of My Eye

    | USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a restaurant that sells pizzas that have been “kissed by the flame,” meaning they are cooked in a wood-fired oven. An older gentleman comes up to me at the cash register.)

    Customer: “So, are you going to kiss my pizza?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “It says the pizzas are kissed!”

    Me: “Oh! That is just the way we cook them. They’re made in a brick oven over a fire.”

    Customer: “Darn it! I was looking forward to something special tonight!”

    A Lose-Snooze Situation

    , | Vancouver, Canada | Technology

    Customer: *rushes into the store* “I need a battery.”

    Me: “Sure, what type of battery do you need?”

    Customer: “It’s for my home alarm system. It’s not working because the battery is dead.”

    Me: “Okay, do you know what size or type of battery it uses?”

    (I show him the various sizes: AA, AAA, C, 9 Volt, etc.)

    Customer: “I don’t know. These all look the same.”

    Me: “Could you bring in the one that is not working and I will match it up with the correct one to ensure you purchase the correct one?”

    Customer: “You mean, bring the dead battery here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that! It’s for my alarm system. If I take the battery out, it won’t work. The battery is dead, so my alarm is not working!” *leaves*

    And A Pound Of Pronunciation, Please

    | USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Note: we sell almost any kind of vegetables at our grocery store.)

    Customer: *checks a list* “A pound of [incomprehensible], please.”

    Me: “Could you repeat that, please?”

    Customer: “A pound of [incomprehensible]!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, never heard of [incomprehensible].”

    Customer: *angrily* “[Incomprehensible]! You call yourself a grocery?!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have it!”

    Customer: “I’ll never come back here again!” *leaves grumbling*

    (An hour later, he returns.)

    Customer: *apologetic smile* “Couldn’t read my handwriting. A pound of roast beef, please.”

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