Global Positioning Showers

| USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

(I am having an e-mail exchange with one of Parole Officers that refers me a lot of clients.)

Parole Officer: “Has [new client] shown up yet?”

Me: “He was supposed to come to me about a week ago, but nope, still nothing.”

Parole Officer: “Okay, he’s on his way. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so you might have to explain the procedures to him a few times.”

Me: “Cool, good to know.”

(Several minutes pass.)

Parole Officer: “He apparently can’t find you. He called me a few minutes ago to say he was in the shower. I am confused.”

Me: “That’s a new one.”

Parole Officer: “I know, right? Job security.”

Flying Off The Handle Will Get You Handled

| USA | Food & Drink, Money

(I handle our catering and delivery orders at my store. A customer wants her check split between two credit cards. The second card number doesn’t work. Unless it’s fixed before the driver leaves, we cannot send a receipt with the driver. The customer doesn’t answer when I call, or return my call before the driver leaves. The customer later calls, but she never got my message, and actually would like to place another order for the next day. I finish up with the order for tomorrow,before bringing up today’s order.)

Me: “While I have you, I actually called earlier and left a message. We had an issue with your charges today. Did you receive my message?”

Customer: “Oh? No, I’m out of my office.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am. We had a small problem with one of your card numbers; whoever you spoke to may have copied it down incorrectly. The driver will be unable to bring you a physical copy of the receipt today, because we were unable to charge the card before he left. We will still be able to split the payment, and fax over a copy of your receipt for your records after he returns.”

(We go over the card numbers, and she gives me the number I needed. Whoever copied it added an extra zero into it.)

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. When our driver returns, I can fax over a copy of this receipt.”

Customer: “Can you e-mail the receipt?”

Me: “We can’t really e-mail receipts. They don’t show up in our system for a few days and we don’t really have a professional method of e-mailing them.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t really have a fax number right now. Can I just call tomorrow with a fax number, and you can do it tomorrow?”

Me: “Sure, if that works for you, that’s fine.”

(When the driver returns, I split the payment and everything is fine. The next day, my coworker talks to the same woman on the phone when she calls to give us her fax number.)

Customer: “I’m very upset. I had to go through a lot of trouble to get my payment split yesterday.”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, our system isn’t designed to split payments, so it’s a little involved to make it work. I’m sorry you had so much trouble; what actually happened?”

Customer: “Well, I just wanted my payment split between two cards. It’s not difficult!”

Coworker: “Splitting a payment is not a normal function in our system. I’m sorry if you had some issues yesterday, but it seems to have worked out fine in the end.”

Customer: “Yes, well—”

Coworker: “I mean, was anything else wrong with your order? Was it late, or was the food not good?”

Customer: “No, it was on time. The food was fine.”

Coworker: “Did we forget anything with your order? You seem to have liked it enough to order with us again today, which we of course were happy to see.”

Customer: “Well, no, nothing was wrong with the order.”

Coworker: “So it was just getting your payment split that was a problem?”

Customer: “I was told that I could have my receipt e-mailed to me.”

Coworker: “I don’t know who you spoke to, but we aren’t readily able to e-mail receipts. They don’t show up in the system for a day or two and faxing them is really the fastest way to get them to you.”

Customer: “Well, this has just been such a hassle. I’m going to want to speak to a manager about this problem.”

Coworker: “Well, I am a manager, ma’am. What is it that I can help you with?”

Customer: “Oh… Well, that girl that I spoke to yesterday about this, she just really didn’t seem like she knew what she was doing at all.”

Coworker: “From what you’ve told me, she did everything exactly as she was supposed to do it. As I’ve said, splitting payments is not a normal function on our system.”

Customer: “I don’t know about that. She just seemed all over the place and unorganized. I think you really should talk to her about getting her act together.”

Coworker: “Well, ma’am, I really cannot see anything that she did incorrectly that I would need to speak with her about. Your order’s payments are accurately in the system, and split right down the middle. Is there anything else that I could do for you?”

Customer: “No, I guess not. Thank you.”

Coworker: “Thank you, ma’am. We’re happy that you enjoyed your lunch these past two days! Have a great day!”

(Later, I fax over her finalized receipt, with everything charged just the way she wanted it. I haven’t heard back from her yet!)

It Isn’t The Coffee That Is Bitter

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(Our store serves mostly older customers and families. We promote a very friendly atmosphere, calling customers ‘hon’ and the like. An older customer comes in for a coffee.)

Me: “Hi welcome to—”

Customer: “I want a large hot coffee, with two creamers, and six sugars, and nothing else. And I want the senior discount.”

Me: “Of course. After your discount, it comes to $2.06.”

Customer: “Add the senior discount.”

Me: “I already did, ma’am. Before the discount it was $2.29.”

(The customer gestures to another customer.)

Customer: “He got his for less. Why are you overcharging me?”

Me: “He works here; it’s just his day off. The employee discount is different than the senior discount.”

Customer: “Well, okay. So I owe you $1.73?”

Me: “No, $2.06. The $1.73 on your screen is before tax. Right below that you should see $2.06.”

Customer: “Thirty cents in taxes!?! I’m not paying that much!”

Me: “I can’t control how much tax is ma’am. Here, how about I buy your coffee today.”

Customer: “Two creamers, six sugars.”

(I make her coffee, and she takes it outside. Less than two minutes later, she returns, fuming.)

Customer: “This is so bitter!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can add some sugar for you.”

Customer: “How many did you put in?”

Me: “Six.”

Customer: “I only want six. Don’t put any more in.”

Me: “Okay, would you like non-sugar sweetener?”

Customer: “No! Just make my coffee sweeter!”

Me: “Hun, I don’t know how to make your coffee sweeter without adding anything to it.”

Customer: “I want a refund! You’re terrible!”

Me: “Your coffee was free. I can’t give you a refund on something free.”

Customer: “I want my money back! Get me your manager!”

(I got my manager, explaining everything. Eventually she ended up giving the customer a voucher for two free coffees, but not before I was called a “stupid, fat c***”.)

What Customers See

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A Capital Offense

| AL, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Math & Science, Technology

(A customer calls in requesting a password reset for his account.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll go ahead and reset your password to the default. It will be the last four digits of your social security number, and the four digit year of your birth.”

Customer: “Okay, those are all capitals, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir, all the letters in your username are capitalized.”

Customer: “And what did you say my password will be?”

Me: “It will be the last four digits of your social security number, and the four digit year of your birth.”

Customer: “And are those capitalized or lowercase?”

Me: “Well, it will be the last four digits of your social—”

Customer: “I know that! But are they going to be capitalized or lower case?”

Me: *gives up* “They’re going to be capitalized numbers, sir.”

Customer: “Great! Thanks!”

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