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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    The Recoil Is Amazing

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I’m stocking cans of soup at the end of an aisle when I hear a voice say “Beep Beep!” I just ignore it but it continues to get louder. I turn around to see an elderly male customer with a shopping cart.)

    Customer: “Beep, beep!”

    Me: “Oh! Hi there. Did you need help finding anything today, sir?”

    Customer: “Beep, beep!”

    (He then proceeds to ram his cart into my butt multiple times.)

    Me: “Oh my, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was in your way. I’ll move.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s okay sweetie. I do that to all the pretty girls.”

    Me: “Okay, well, I’ll let you go now.”

    Customer: “Wanna share a can of soup, sweet cheeks?”

    Me: *running away* “No, thank you!”

    I Can Almost Feel Edward’s Embrace

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Books & Reading

    Customer: “I want to know what romance books are good right now. I want a really good romance, since I’m going on vacation.”

    Me: “Well, I don’t really read romance novels, but I can tell you what is popular. Have you read any Sherrilyn Kenyon?”

    Customer: “What is it? Is it like vampires or something?”

    Me: “It’s considered paranormal romance and is very popular.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything unrealistic.”

    Me: “Well, then you probably don’t want a romance novel.”

    Customer: “I want something realistic like Twilight. Do you have any books like that?”

    The Early Bird Gets The Dumb Worm

    | Blue Jay, CA, USA |

    (We are a brand-new business. We’ve only been open for one week at this point. We open earlier than our competition because it’s a potential market.)

    Customer: “What time do you open in the morning?”

    Me: “5:00 am.”

    Customer: “But [competition] opens at 6:00.”

    Me: “Yes, they do.”

    Customer: “So, why do you open at 5:00?”

    Me: “Because some people leave for work before 6:00.”

    Customer: “But [competition] doesn’t open until 6:00, so how can you open at 5:00?!”

    A Chip Off The Non-biological Block

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Family & Kids

    (It is the end of our day camp, and all of the parents are coming in to pick up their children.)

    Me: “Look, [child]! Your mom is here. You know, you look just like her!”

    Child: “No! I wanna look like my daddy!”

    Mother, to my coworker and me: *quietly* “He doesn’t look like his dad at all, if you know what I mean.”

    (The mother and child leave.)

    Coworker: “I hope she meant that his father has a bunch of recessive traits.”

    Involuntarily Voluntary Or Voluntarily Involuntary

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (This happens to me while I am working as a cashier at a popular fast food place. A big, stereotypical jock teen in a football sweater comes up to my till.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like two apple pies, please.”

    Me: “Sure, hang on a second.”

    (I ring up the order and gives him the pies.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong…”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “I s*** my pants.”

    Me: *shocked* “Wait, what?”

    Customer: “I S*** MY PANTS!” *continues screaming and walks out of the store*


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