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    He Sees You When You’re Sleeping

    | Coon Rapids, MN, USA |

    (It’s about a week before Christmas. A man who is in the camera section for literally three hours finally comes up to be rung up. He is just buying a few office things. I say the regular things that we say to each customer and in the middle it turns weird.)

    Customer: “Have you been a good girl this year?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Would you be on Santa’s naughty or nice list?”

    Me: *feeling uncomfortable* “I am sorry, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

    Customer: “Did you ask Santa for a special toy this year?”

    Me: “Since I am not a child, no, I did not ask for a toy.”

    (I think he realizes his weird questions aren’t getting anywhere, so he is quiet for the moment. When I am done with the transaction I mumble for him to have a nice day.)

    Customer: “I hope Santa brings you a very special toy this year. You’re a very good girl!”

    Not Quite The Pizza Of My Eye

    | USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a restaurant that sells pizzas that have been “kissed by the flame,” meaning they are cooked in a wood-fired oven. An older gentleman comes up to me at the cash register.)

    Customer: “So, are you going to kiss my pizza?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “It says the pizzas are kissed!”

    Me: “Oh! That is just the way we cook them. They’re made in a brick oven over a fire.”

    Customer: “Darn it! I was looking forward to something special tonight!”

    A Lose-Snooze Situation

    , | Vancouver, Canada | Technology

    Customer: *rushes into the store* “I need a battery.”

    Me: “Sure, what type of battery do you need?”

    Customer: “It’s for my home alarm system. It’s not working because the battery is dead.”

    Me: “Okay, do you know what size or type of battery it uses?”

    (I show him the various sizes: AA, AAA, C, 9 Volt, etc.)

    Customer: “I don’t know. These all look the same.”

    Me: “Could you bring in the one that is not working and I will match it up with the correct one to ensure you purchase the correct one?”

    Customer: “You mean, bring the dead battery here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that! It’s for my alarm system. If I take the battery out, it won’t work. The battery is dead, so my alarm is not working!” *leaves*

    And A Pound Of Pronunciation, Please

    | USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Note: we sell almost any kind of vegetables at our grocery store.)

    Customer: *checks a list* “A pound of [incomprehensible], please.”

    Me: “Could you repeat that, please?”

    Customer: “A pound of [incomprehensible]!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, never heard of [incomprehensible].”

    Customer: *angrily* “[Incomprehensible]! You call yourself a grocery?!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have it!”

    Customer: “I’ll never come back here again!” *leaves grumbling*

    (An hour later, he returns.)

    Customer: *apologetic smile* “Couldn’t read my handwriting. A pound of roast beef, please.”

    That’s One Shell Of A Cat-astrophe

    | Michigan, USA | Pets & Animals

    Me: “Welcome to [business name]. How can I help you?”

    Couple: “We need a carpet cleaner. We saw this one in the ad.”

    Me: “It’s right over here.” *takes them to the cleaner*

    Couple: “We have cat vomit everywhere.”

    Me: “Well, this should help. Here are some of its features—”

    Couple: “We can’t even have company over. It’s embarrassing. There is so much cat vomit on the floor!”

    Me: “Well, this one over here has better brushes.” *demonstrates another product*

    Couple: “If our landlord were to see it, we’d get evicted. There is so much cat vomit!”

    Me: “Well, this model is what I recommend.” *still showing features*

    Couple: “…and the cats drag their meat all over the house.”

    Me: “…I’m sorry?”

    Couple: “We feed them raw meat, and they keep dragging it all over the house. It gets in the carpet!”

    Me: “Wow. Yeah, this should help get that out.”

    Couple: “We’ll take it. What sort of soap can we use with this?”

    Me: “It doesn’t matter; it doesn’t have to be the same brand. Here’s some.” *shows them some soap*

    Couple: “Is that going to be safe for our turtle?”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Couple: “We also have a turtle that we let roam around. This soap won’t hurt him, will it?”

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