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    Traveling At The Speed Of Stupid

    | AB, Canada | Family & Kids, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a pool as a lifeguard. We always have problems with children running, even though it is the number one rule at the pool to walk on deck.)

    Child: *runs across deck*

    Me: “Walk please.”

    (Five minutes later, the same child runs the other way.)

    Me: “WALK!”

    (Five minutes later, the child runs in front of me. I stop the child to make sure she understands me.)

    Me: “You need to walk, okay? If I need to ask you again, I will sit you out for three minutes.”

    (The child walks away and gets back into the pool. The mother approaches me.)

    Parent: “She’s not running. She just walks on her tip toes.”

    Me: “It’s not the manner of her movement. It’s the speed she’s moving.”

    Parent: “But she’s not running.”

    (Her child runs past again.)

    Me: “WALK!”

    Parent: “But she’s not run—”

    Child: *slips and falls*

    See Food Can Be A Hard Shell

    | Bensalem, PA, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (Our store is advertising a big sale on lobsters. By the middle of the day, we’ve run out of them. After that, this exchange happens with at least 3 different customers.)

    Customer: “I’d like two lobsters, please.”

    Me: “Sorry, we’re actually out of lobsters.”

    Customer: “Well, what about those?” *points to the tank*

    Me: “Those are rocks.”

    Time To Start Screening Customers

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Top

    (A customer slams a bottle of sunblock on the counter.)

    Customer: “This is worthless! I can’t believe you sell this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.” *examines the empty bottle* “But this is the highest protection factor we have.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s crap! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Sorry, I can’t refund an empty bottle; it’s store policy.”

    Customer: “Well, what do you expect?! I have two large windows!”

    Our Great Snootocracy

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (A customer in his 70s starts this conversation as I’m serving his food.)

    Customer: “So, how far along in college are you?”

    Me: “I actually already graduated.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? You look too young to have finished college.”

    Me: “I get that all the time. Yes, I graduated early, last semester.”

    Customer: “And you didn’t go to grad school? All you young people are lacking ambition! As soon as you finish school you’re content with taking some dead-end job!”

    Me: “Actually sir, I really wanted to go to law school, but I couldn’t pull the funds together.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you’re poor? Then you stay working here. I don’t want people like you contaminating America’s fine businesses!”

    Thank You Sir Cussalot

    | Nottingham, UK | Bizarre

    Me: “Hello, you’re through to the benefits department. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: *calmly* “Hi, yeah, I called up a minute ago, but I didn’t have my account details with me.”

    Me: “Okay, well if I could just take your details then please, sir, I’ll pull up your records.”

    Caller: “Sir?! How dare you f***ing call me sir?! I’ve never been so f***ing insulted in my life! Who on earth do you think you are, you f***ing b****?!”

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