Customer: "What sort of fuel economy does this one have?"

Me: "Sir, you’re in the wrong lot. That’s another customer’s car."

Customer: "So this one’s reserved? What about the blue one over there?"

Me: "You need to go back to the front of the building. These are all the cars that other customers drove here in."

Customer: "Wait, what? So I can just drive them?"

Me: "No. You can test drive a specific unit of each of our models, but these cars belong to other people."

Customer: "So you’re just going to deprive me of everything? Fine! I’m leaving!"

(He kicks another car on the way out.)

Customer: "Wait… f***! That’s mine!”

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any black paper?”

Me: “Sorry, we have lots of colors of paper, but no black. There is black construction paper on the art supply aisle, though.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any here?”

Me: “Because it would be really hard to see the ink on a black piece of paper, so most of our paper colors are bright, pastel or white.”

Customer: “You don’t have white ink like the other printers?”

Me: “There is white ink, but I’m pretty sure it’s used for printing on fabric, not on paper.”

Customer: “Then how did they make this?”

(She shows me a flyer with a black background and white text.)

Me: “That’s called knockout text, the black background is printed with ink, and the white lettering is just the white paper underneath. I can certainly do something like that for you if you want.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just wasteful. Can’t you put some white-out in your machine and print on black paper?”

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Wish You Could White Out That Last Comment

Customer: “Do you have any wasp spray?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re currently out. Maybe [other store] has it.”

(The customer thanks me and walks away. Thirty minutes later I see him at the checkout with a super-soaker, some lighters and a one liter bottle of lighter fluid. I just stare at him in disbelief.)

Customer: “Wish me luck!”

Me: "Thank you for calling [Hospital]. How may I help you?"”

Caller: "I would like to know where people go to buy those cups."

Me: What kind of cups are you looking for, sir?"

Caller: "Sample cups."

Me: "Sample cups? Do you mean like for a urine sample?"

Caller: "Yeah! I need quite a few."

Me: "I guess you could get them at a medical supply company. Have you tried that?"

Caller: "Oh boy! Thank you, lady! You have helped me so much! See, I am looking for work and most places require a urine test. I want to have my samples all ready to go!"

(I work in a cafe popular with tourists. During one afternoon I see an American man lighting a cigarette. We have a smoking ban in the UK that bans smoking in all public places.)

Me: “Excuse me sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to smoke that cigarette outside.”

Customer: “Why?”

(I explain the smoking ban to him.)

Customer: “That’s bulls***! That’s a breach of the First Amendment!”

Me: “Sir, I have no idea what that is, though I think it’s something to do with free speech.”

Customer: *shocked* “How can you not know the First Amendment? It’s the law!”

Me: “It’s your law, judging by your accent. We have a completely different set of laws.”

Customer: “England has its own laws?”