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    Slob Calling The Coffee Black

    | Rhode Island, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I am walking down one of our grocery store’s aisles when I overhear a couple talking.)

    Husband: “Crap, I dropped my coffee. Honey, find some paper towels.”

    Wife: “What?! No! Just leave it there. They have people walk around and clean up these things. It’s fine!”

    Husband: “Um, I—”

    Wife: “Just leave it! We have too much to do.”

    (The wife then turns and sees me. She doesn’t miss a beat.)

    Wife: “Someone just dropped this and left it. People are slobs. You should clean this up before someone gets hurt!”

    A Few Slices Short Of A Pie

    | Mississippi, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (I am taking an order over the phone. The caller has never ordered here before and isn’t familiar with the menu.)

    Caller: “How many slices are on your 12 inch?”

    Me: “8.”

    Caller: “What about your 18 inch?”

    Me: “8.”

    Caller: “I thought the 12 inch had 8 slices.”

    Me: “It does. They both have 8 slices.”

    Caller: “How is that possible? If they both have 8 slices, shouldn’t they be the same size?”

    Me: “No, miss. The slices are just different sizes. The number of slices doesn’t make the size of the pizza. They both have 8 slices, but the 18 inch has much bigger slices.”

    Caller: “Oh. Right. Can you cut it twice, to make the slices smaller?”

    Me: “Of course. We can double cut it for you.”

    Caller: “So, how many slices would that be? What, 12?”

    Me: “16.”

    Caller: “No. If you normally have 8 slices, and you cut them twice, it should be 12 pieces, not 16.”

    Me: “It’s 16, Miss. 8 times 2 is 16.”

    Caller: “Whatever…I don’t think so. You have wings?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “What sizes?”

    Me: “8, 12, 18, 24, and 50.”

    Caller: “Oh, alright. I’ll take a 10 piece.”

    Me: “We have an 8 piece and a 12 piece.”

    Caller: “No, I said a 10 piece.”

    Me: “I know…we don’t have a 10 piece, but we do have an 8 piece or a 12 piece.”

    Caller: “I’m pretty sure you have a 10 piece. My sister said she always gets a ten piece. Are you new? Maybe you should check the menu!”

    Me: “I’ve worked here for 3 years. We’ve never had a 10 piece and I’m looking at the menu on the computer right now. 8 or 12?”

    Caller: “Fine. 12!”

    We’d Love To Cut Your Lawn, But—

    | Nebraska, USA | Top

    (I’m attempting to let a customer know via telephone that we want to treat their yard the next day.)

    Me: “Hi this is—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Hi, this is—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Th—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: *quickly* “This is [lawn care company] calling.”

    Customer: “Oh, yes.”

    Me: “We’d like to put down an application tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Does it need to be mowed first?”

    Me: “No, it d—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “No, it d—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “N—”

    Customer: “You’re cutting out.”

    Me: “I—”

    Customer: “WHY DO YOU KEEP CUTTING OUT?!”

    Me: “Because you keep talking over me.”

    Customer: “I do what?”

    Me: “You keep t—”

    Customer: “I do no such thing!”

    Spyware Is Strength

    | South Carolina, USA | Technology

    (I run my own computer repair business out of my home. A customer has just arrived to pick up their computer, and I am explaining what I have done.)

    Customer: “That didn’t take long. I expected you to have my computer for a few more days.”

    Me: “I didn’t have to do much. You had two nasty viruses and some spyware to remove, but everything is good as new now.”

    Customer: “What? You removed my spyware? No!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “But my computer can’t run without spyware! It keeps Big Brother from watching!”

    (She storms out without paying, and I decide to them her go. Not surprisingly, they come back a few weeks later after gunking up their computer again!)

    Non-Sufficient Dunce

    | Canada | Money

    (A customer calls in to find out why his loan has been returned “NSF”, which is short for “Non-Sufficient Funds.”)

    Me: “I see that the loan was returned on Monday as there was not enough money in the account.

    Customer: “Yeah, but it was supposed to be taken out of my account the previous Friday.”

    (I check, and he indeed did not have enough money to cover the loan on Friday.)

    Me: “That is the correct date, but it looks like the computer gave you a grace period. It gave you a few days to put the funds in the account before it tried to take it.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy! I agreed to have my payments taken every Friday. I want the loan to bounce on the Friday, not on the Monday, okay? Make my loan payment bounce on Fridays!”

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