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    Biting Off More Than He Can Chew

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work at a dinosaur trail, where people can walk through the forest and look at robotic dinosaurs. On this particular day, a guest with one arm comes onto the trail. About half an hour later, he comes back out.)

    Me: “So, did you enjoy the trail?”

    Guest: “I got my arm bit off.”

    Coworker: *without skipping a beat* “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t give refunds.”

    Hersight Is 20/20

    | Illinois, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids

    (I’m pregnant, and have just had an ultrasound that has confirmed that I am having a boy. The guest in question is a regular every weekend.)

    Guest: “Oh, you’re pregnant!”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    (The guest reaches out and grabs my stomach.)

    Guest: “It’s a girl! I can tell, and I’m never wrong!”

    Me: “Actually, I’m having a boy.”

    Guest: “No, you’re not. I am never wrong. It’s definitely a girl!”

    (Every time I see the guest after this, she informs the table that I’m having a girl, and emphatically states that she is never, ever wrong about these things. After my son is born, the first time I see her at work, she flags me over to her table again.)

    Guest: “Oh, you had your baby! Did you have a boy or a girl?”

    Me: *laughing* “I had a boy.”

    Guest: “Congratulations! See? I told you that I was never wrong! I knew that it was a boy all along!”

    Grandma Won’t Be Outmatched

    | Illinois, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

    (I’m a customer and am standing in line at the checkout behind a very sweet-looking little old lady. She’s a stereotypical, blue-haired, tiny woman dressed in a very nice yellow and pink pantsuit. The cashier is a nice-looking young man in his late teens or early twenties.)

    Little Old Lady: *to the cashier* “You know, you’re a very handsome young man, and you can hold down a job. That’s a good thing.”

    Cashier: “Thank you, ma’am.”

    (The lady then proceeds to chat in a very friendly manner to the cashier. While talking, she’s very slowly and carefully placing one item at a time on the conveyor.)

    Little Old Lady: “So, I think my granddaughter would be perfect for you. She’s just turned nineteen, she has a nice job of her own, and she’s pretty. You boys like redheads, right?”

    Cashier: *dazed look*

    Little Old Lady: “You really should meet her. I just know you two would be perfect for each other! I know these things!”

    Cashier: “Um, ma’am—”

    Little Old Lady: “So, what do you say? Would you like to meet my Linda?”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, I’m gay.”

    (At this, the sweet-faced little old lady just blinks and smiles.)

    Little Old Lady: “Okay, so you need to meet my grandson instead!”

    Two’s Company, Flees A Crowd

    | Arizona, USA | Crazy Requests

    (I’m working at a big-box retailer in a college town. It’s a week or so before school is about to get back in, so it’s naturally very busy.)

    Customer: “It’s too crowded here.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “It’s too crowded. Can’t you get some of these people to leave? I can’t get any shopping done!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t control the number of people in the store. Besides, we like it busy.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** would you LIKE it this busy?”

    Me: “We’re trying to run a business, ma’am.”

    (At this point, my manager walks up.)

    Manager: “You know, if you left, it would be that much less crowded.”

    Customer: *storms off in a huff*

    Time For Cup-ple’s Counseling

    | Melbourne, Australia | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a store that sells kitchen appliances. I have been helping a young couple with a blender set that they are interested in buying. Note: I am female.)

    Female Customer: “Would you mind if we open the box just to have a look at the parts?”

    Me: “Of course. That’s no problem!”

    Male Customer: “Yeah, we’re just wondering what kind of cup size you’ve got.”

    (There’s an awkward pause as the male customer realises what he’s just said.)

    Male Customer: “Oh! On the blender! I meant on the blender!” *quietly, to his wife* “That sounded bad, didn’t it?”

    Female Customer: *sighs* “Yes dear, it did…”

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