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    How To Show-Up A Show-Off

    | Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Top

    (Note: I’m a male customer at a coffee shop. I’m standing in line behind an obnoxious man and a beautiful blonde woman he’s unsuccessfully trying to chat up. The server is a young girl who appears to be new at her job.)

    Man: “Excuse me! I ordered a non-fat, non-sugar orange mocha chip frappuccino! This isn’t non-fat, and there’s no whip cream on it.”

    Barista: “I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll remake it immediately.”

    Man, to the blonde woman: “What is up with these guys!? They screw everything up.”

    Barista: “Here’s your drink sir. I hope this one is up to standard.”

    Man: “What are you, f***ing retarded?! This is a plain mocha frappuccino! I wanted an orange chip mocha frappuccino! Get it f***ing right!”

    (The barista remakes his drink again, but is clearly on the verge of tears.)

    Man: “Oh my God, you people need to learn to speak English! I said non-fat. Don’t tell me it is non-fat, because I can taste—”

    (At this point, the blonde woman decides she’s had enough of the man and interrupts him.)

    Blonde woman: *in a strong Irish accent* “WILL YOU STOP BEING A JERK FOR FIVE F***ING MINUTES?! The girl has made the d*** coffee perfectly this time—I watched her! And, even if she hasn’t, she’s young and clearly new at her job. It’s a f***ing coffee! Cut her some slack!”

    Man: “Excuse me, but I want what I asked for! I don’t see why that’s so hard!”

    Blonde woman: “She probably looked at you, assumed you were a man, and was therefore completely confused by your non-fat non-sugar orange mocha chip frappuccino order. Real men drink real coffee, and they don’t bully teenage girls until they cry. Now, can you please stop being an almighty dickhead, and just f*** off?!”

    (Everyone in the coffee shop claps, and the man leaves, embarrassed. I paid for the blonde woman’s coffee, and found out she is from the same part of Ireland as me. One thing led to another, and I asked her to marry me this Christmas. She said yes!)

    Weeding Out The Dumb Ones

    | Cleveland, OH, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I take calls about various do-it-yourself products for lawn and garden and insect control.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your product is defective!”

    Me: “Okay, what product?”

    Customer: “[Brand name] weed and grass killer!”

    Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”

    Customer: “It killed my grass!”

    Me: “Um, it is weed and grass killer.”

    Customer: “Yes, but it doesn’t say good grass!”

    Me: “You’re right. However, grass covers all grass types.”

    Customer: “Well, it should say on the label it kills good grass.”

    Me: “Actually, it does on the back. It lists all the grasses it kills, and your grass is listed.”

    Customer: “Well, it should tell you to read the label before use!”

    Me: “Actually, it does. See that stop sign on the back?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “And right after, it says read entire label before use.”

    Customer: “Well, it should say it on the front so I can see it!”

    Me: “I’ll put your request into corporate…”

    Related:
    Customer: Impossible
    Customer: Impossible, Part 2

    It Also Stands For Due Diligence

    | Duluth, MN, USA |

    (I work in the intimates department of a well-known clothing store.)

    Customer: “Are the D-D bras smaller than the D bras?”

    Me: “Actually, double-Ds are a size bigger than regular D-cups.”

    Customer: “How was I supposed to know D-D means double-D?!”

    Positively Pissed Off

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Wild & Unruly

    (A woman had bought a pregnancy test earlier and has come back into the store a few minutes later.)

    Customer: “I want a refund for this pregnancy test!”

    Me: “Sure, ma’am. What seems to be wrong with it? Do you have the receipt?”

    Customer: *yelling* “It says I am pregnant! I did not buy this to tell me I am pregnant!”

    Me: “Oh…well, we cannot accept it since it has been used, for sanitary reasons. Also, that is what the test is for, ma’am: it tells you whether you are pregnant or not.”

    (The woman grows angry and starts cussing at me, so I call my supervisor to the front. They tell her the same thing I’ve told her.)

    Customer: “Fine! If I can’t get a refund, you can take it back!” *throws the wet test at me and storms out*

    Paint Me A Misogynist

    | Mesa, AZ, USA | Bigotry, Top

    (I work in the hardware department of a large retail store. Part of my duties entail mixing paint. A customer approaches my male coworker, who doesn’t know how to use the paint machine. He points the customer in my direction and the following conversation ensues.)

    Customer: “What? Her? But she’s a woman!”

    Me: “I can help you, sir. Don’t worry. I have lots of experience in tinting paint.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? Who taught you how to do that? How on Earth did you get this job?”

    (The paint machine requires that we use a specific base for each color depending on the amount of tint that needs to be used. I need light base, but the customer hands me a can of medium base. I go to replace it.)

    Customer: “What are you doing? I gave you medium base. It’s a medium color. I don’t think you know what you’re doing.”

    Me: “I assure you, I do. The process is all computerized. I need a light base.”

    Customer: “I want to see your manager. You can’t do this right.”

    Me: “Trust me, just let me mix the paint before I get him. He’s likely busy.”

    (I proceed to mix the paint. It turns out perfectly.)

    Customer: *slinks off, defeated*


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