November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Space-Time Is Money

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top

(A customer enters, walks to the middle of the store, and starts looking around.)

Me: “You look lost.”

Customer: “Where’s your time machine?”

Me: “…sorry, what?”

Customer: “Don’t you guys have a time machine?”

Me: *laughing* “I kind of wish we did.”

Customer: “That’s weird that you don’t have one.”

(There is a pause.)

Customer: “Wait, what did I say?”

Me: “You asked for a time machine.”

Customer: “Oh, God, I meant an ATM machine.”

Me: “Yup, right over here.”

Customer: “Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Me: “It’s alright, you made my day. Good luck finding the time machine!”

She Has An Anachronic Case

| New Zealand | Health & Body, History, Top

(My mother is a schoolteacher. To celebrate the end of school, she and the other teachers have a party, of which the theme is anachronisms. My mother wears, among other things, a Greek toga and a top hat. During the party, she hurts her leg and phones me to help her get to the hospital. We finally get to see a doctor at two o’clock in the morning.)

Doctor: “So, er… What’s the problem?”

Mum: “I hurt my leg during a party.”

(She shows him where it hurts, and the doctor feels around for a while.)

Doctor: “How exactly did you do this?”

Mum: “Well, the music came on, and I was so excited to start dancing that I jumped up, and suddenly my muscle went pop!”

Doctor: “This is probably the most interesting accident we’ve had for a while. Will you take off your socks, please, so I can see better?”

(My mother pulls them off to reveal her blackened toes, which she had coloured in before the party.)

Doctor: “What’s that?”

Mum: “Oh, don’t mind that. It’s just the bubonic plague.”

(Later, as I am sitting in the waiting room while my mum has her leg bandaged, I hear the doctor saying she’d made his night!)

The Long Hold Time Of The Law

| England, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

Me: “Good morning, [company name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting to speak to you all afternoon.”

Me: “I’m sorry for your wait; we’ve been really busy today.”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting for 60 minutes!”

(I can see our call queue, and I know that the longest wait anyone’s had all day is about eight minutes.)

Me: “As I’ve said, we’ve been unexpectedly busy. I’m really sorry about that. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I want compensation for having to wait for so long. You’re victimizing me. You can’t get away with treating people like this!”

Me: “Sir, everyone is in the same position. Unfortunately, you’ve called us during a busy time. If we have more calls than staff at any one time, some of our customers need to wait until someone’s available to handle their call.”

Customer: “But I’m not just one of your customers. Don’t you know who I am?”

Me: “No, sir, you haven’t provided me with any of your details for me to try to help you today.”

Customer: “You can’t get away with this. I know about these things. I know! I’m going to the government! This is illegal!”

Me: “It’s not illegal for us to be busy, sir.”

Customer: *hangs up*

Manners Are Not Just For The Young

| Birmingham, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Top

(I’m the only person in the queue for the self-service tills. A woman has finished scanning her items, but is still packing them. A man comes up behind me. I look young for my age, and am dressed casually as it’s my day off. I also have red streaks in my hair from a charity day the day before.)

Customer: “Are you queuing?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Customer: *pointing at where the woman is* “Well, are you wanting that one or not?”

Me: “I’m waiting for the woman to finish.”

(Instead of waiting behind me as I expect, he pushes past, goes up to the woman’s till, and starts trying to scan things through. The system won’t let him as the woman hasn’t taken her bags yet. After a few unsuccessful attempts he barges back past me and rejoins the queue.)

Customer: “F****** kids.”

Me: “At least this f****** kid had the manners to wait until the lady was finished.”

Customer: *blushes*

Dancers In The Dark Coffee

| USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

(A young customer woman in ballet shoes comes running into the shop. She looks exhausted.)

Customer: “I’m so sorry; this is going to be a really big order.”

(She starts to rattle off a huge order. Being the only barista, I start on them as soon as she done ordering. While making the coffees, a regular walks in.)

Customer: “I’m so sorry; she’ll probably be a little bit. I have really big order.”

(The regular just scoffs, and stands at the register. I focus on the drinks I’m making.)

Regular: “Hey!”

Me: “I’ll be there in just a moment; I want to make sure all of her—”

Regular: “Forget her f****** order! She and her little friends will just waste the damn drinks. Dancers, bah.”

Customer: “Excuse me?!”

Regular: “You heard me. All you stupid little girls thinking that they’re an athlete because they can f****** dance!”

(The customer takes a few steps back.)

Customer: “Right, it’s so easy. Then how about you follow me.”

(She bends backwards, practically touching her ankles. She slides back up, before standing on point. She brings one leg up and begins to spin on one foot, in place. She does it a few more times, before smirking at my regular. Still on point.)

Customer: “Your turn.”

(The regular scoffs, and huffs about the register until the order is finished.)