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    The Bigger The Sign, The Harder They Fail

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid

    (I’m a customer looking at a fragile jewelry display. There is a huge sign in bright colours, bigger than the display itself, saying ‘Please do not touch! We’ll be happy to come and assist you!’. I call the sales assistant over. There is another customer right next to me, looking at the same display.)

    Me: “Hi, I’d like to have a look at that necklace please?”

    Sales Assistant: “Oh, my God! You read the sign; I think you’re actually the first person to read it all week!”

    Me: “Well, it is kind of obvious!”

    Sales Assistant: “You’d think so, right?”

    (We walk back to the counter. From behind us, we hear a crash. We both turn around to see the other customer with a necklace in her hand, and the entire display on the floor. She looks at us like a frightened animal, and turns bright red. She puts the necklace down, and sheepishly runs out the door. I look at the sales assistant; she looks at me, and face-palms.)

    Pay Off Your Insurance Or Go Into Rears

    | Leicester, England, UK | Health & Body

    (I work in a call center for travel insurance. Once a medical condition is declared, we go through a series of questions about that condition.)

    Me: “As a result of your diabetes, have you suffered any retinal damage?”

    Customer: “That’s a bit personal, don’t you think?”

    Me: “Not really, it’s one of the standard questions for your condition.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not sure I’m comfortable discussing something so personal with you, especially with you being a woman.”

    Me: “Um… I wouldn’t say it was too personal.”

    Customer: “Can you repeat the question?”

    Me: “As a result of your diabetes, have you suffered any retinal damage?”

    Customer: “Oh, retinal! I thought you said rectal!”

    Buy A 50N1 Next Time

    | TX, USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I am listening in on a call with an agent about programming a remote to the elderly customers TV.)

    Agent: “I’ll be happy to help you with that, sir. What brand of TV do you have?”

    Customer: “It’s a V1210 TV.”

    Agent: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “It’s a V1210 TV.”

    (The agent looks at me in total confusion.)

    Me: “Does he mean Vizio?”

    Agent: “Sir, are you it isn’t Vizio?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes! Vizio! I probably should’ve put my glasses on before I checked.”

    Fancy Titles Are All Just Hot Air

    | Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

    (A customer comes up to my empty register. I have to put away some keys, so I am delayed slightly.)

    Me: “Sorry about the delay, sir.”

    Customer: “Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to call me sir. Why do people call me sir?”

    Me: “I don’t know. I guess it’s a sign of respect.”

    Customer: “Maybe, but it’s very American.”

    Me: “I suppose so, but what else would I call you?”

    (The customer ponders this for a while.)

    Customer: “What about, ‘old fart’?”

    Me: *laughing* “I don’t think I’d have a job if I called people that!”

    Customer: “I wouldn’t mind!”

    The Waiting Blame Game

    | NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body

    (It is a particularly busy day; the doctor is backed up nearly an hour. I am informing a patient who is checking in.)

    Patient: “AN HOUR?!? Are you kidding me? He expects me to wait an hour?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. I do apologize for the wait, but—”

    Patient: “I just need my test results. Give me a copy!”

    Me: “I can do that. Give me just a moment to make a copy.”

    (I take the report to the copier. A 94-year-old woman is checking out with my coworker.)

    Me: “Here you go, sir, your results.”

    (The patient reads through the results.)

    Patient: “Well, what does this word mean?”

    (He reads off a long medical term. Despite the fact that I know the meaning of the word, I am not allowed to explain his results to him due to HIPAA regulations.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m unable to explain the results to you. This is why you have your appointment to speak with the doctor.”

    Patient: “But you’re a nurse! You have to explain this to me! I didn’t eat any god-d*** lunch before this appointment, and if I don’t get a sandwich soon I’ll—”

    (The 94-year-old patient pipes up.)

    94-Year-Old Patient: “Excuse me, sir, but you are the rudest man I’ve ever known! Talking to a young girl like that! You ought to be ashamed of yourself. If you want your test results, you’d better wait. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 94 years on this earth, it’s that you should make the most of the time you have. If you have to spend that time in a doctor’s office waiting, well then, S*** HAPPENS!”

    (The man slinks away from the desk, sits in a chair, and mopes. He does, in fact, have to wait for an hour. He doesn’t say a word to any of us for the rest of his visit!)

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