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    In Creepiness And In Health

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (Note: This customer is a little odd and makes the entire staff nervous when he comes in.)

    Me: “Okay, here’s your receipt. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Customer: “You could marry me…”

    Me: *awkwardly laughs*

    Coworker: “Well, is there anything else you need from me today?”

    Customer, to my coworker: “You could pay for our honeymoon.”

    (Suddenly, the customer turns to me.)

    Customer, to me: “Okay, I’m just kidding. But I wasn’t kidding about you.”

    Perhaps There’s Insufficient Blood To Your Brain

    | Windsor, Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (We have a free self-use blood pressure machine in our pharmacy.)

    Customer: “When are you going to fix your blood pressure machine?”

    Pharmacist: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Your blood pressure machine is broken. Every time I come in here, it doesn’t work! You should really take care of it. Lots of old people need to check their blood pressure, you know!”

    Me: “Are you sure? I just filled the paper roll the other day. It was working fine.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not! I’ve been trying to use it for days. It’s not working. You should really take care of it!”

    (I take a look at the machine and try to troubleshoot the problem. I sit in the seat, roll up my sleeve, put it in the cuff, and push the big green “Start” button. The cuff inflates normally.)

    Customer: “You mean you’re suppose to push that button?!”

    How To Show-Up A Show-Off

    | Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Top

    (Note: I’m a male customer at a coffee shop. I’m standing in line behind an obnoxious man and a beautiful blonde woman he’s unsuccessfully trying to chat up. The server is a young girl who appears to be new at her job.)

    Man: “Excuse me! I ordered a non-fat, non-sugar orange mocha chip frappuccino! This isn’t non-fat, and there’s no whip cream on it.”

    Barista: “I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll remake it immediately.”

    Man, to the blonde woman: “What is up with these guys!? They screw everything up.”

    Barista: “Here’s your drink sir. I hope this one is up to standard.”

    Man: “What are you, f***ing retarded?! This is a plain mocha frappuccino! I wanted an orange chip mocha frappuccino! Get it f***ing right!”

    (The barista remakes his drink again, but is clearly on the verge of tears.)

    Man: “Oh my God, you people need to learn to speak English! I said non-fat. Don’t tell me it is non-fat, because I can taste—”

    (At this point, the blonde woman decides she’s had enough of the man and interrupts him.)

    Blonde woman: *in a strong Irish accent* “WILL YOU STOP BEING A JERK FOR FIVE F***ING MINUTES?! The girl has made the d*** coffee perfectly this time—I watched her! And, even if she hasn’t, she’s young and clearly new at her job. It’s a f***ing coffee! Cut her some slack!”

    Man: “Excuse me, but I want what I asked for! I don’t see why that’s so hard!”

    Blonde woman: “She probably looked at you, assumed you were a man, and was therefore completely confused by your non-fat non-sugar orange mocha chip frappuccino order. Real men drink real coffee, and they don’t bully teenage girls until they cry. Now, can you please stop being an almighty dickhead, and just f*** off?!”

    (Everyone in the coffee shop claps, and the man leaves, embarrassed. I paid for the blonde woman’s coffee, and found out she is from the same part of Ireland as me. One thing led to another, and I asked her to marry me this Christmas. She said yes!)

    Weeding Out The Dumb Ones

    | Cleveland, OH, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I take calls about various do-it-yourself products for lawn and garden and insect control.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your product is defective!”

    Me: “Okay, what product?”

    Customer: “[Brand name] weed and grass killer!”

    Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”

    Customer: “It killed my grass!”

    Me: “Um, it is weed and grass killer.”

    Customer: “Yes, but it doesn’t say good grass!”

    Me: “You’re right. However, grass covers all grass types.”

    Customer: “Well, it should say on the label it kills good grass.”

    Me: “Actually, it does on the back. It lists all the grasses it kills, and your grass is listed.”

    Customer: “Well, it should tell you to read the label before use!”

    Me: “Actually, it does. See that stop sign on the back?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “And right after, it says read entire label before use.”

    Customer: “Well, it should say it on the front so I can see it!”

    Me: “I’ll put your request into corporate…”

    Related:
    Customer: Impossible
    Customer: Impossible, Part 2

    It Also Stands For Due Diligence

    | Duluth, MN, USA |

    (I work in the intimates department of a well-known clothing store.)

    Customer: “Are the D-D bras smaller than the D bras?”

    Me: “Actually, double-Ds are a size bigger than regular D-cups.”

    Customer: “How was I supposed to know D-D means double-D?!”


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