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    Spyware Is Strength

    | South Carolina, USA | Technology

    (I run my own computer repair business out of my home. A customer has just arrived to pick up their computer, and I am explaining what I have done.)

    Customer: “That didn’t take long. I expected you to have my computer for a few more days.”

    Me: “I didn’t have to do much. You had two nasty viruses and some spyware to remove, but everything is good as new now.”

    Customer: “What? You removed my spyware? No!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “But my computer can’t run without spyware! It keeps Big Brother from watching!”

    (She storms out without paying, and I decide to them her go. Not surprisingly, they come back a few weeks later after gunking up their computer again!)

    Non-Sufficient Dunce

    | Canada | Money

    (A customer calls in to find out why his loan has been returned “NSF”, which is short for “Non-Sufficient Funds.”)

    Me: “I see that the loan was returned on Monday as there was not enough money in the account.

    Customer: “Yeah, but it was supposed to be taken out of my account the previous Friday.”

    (I check, and he indeed did not have enough money to cover the loan on Friday.)

    Me: “That is the correct date, but it looks like the computer gave you a grace period. It gave you a few days to put the funds in the account before it tried to take it.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy! I agreed to have my payments taken every Friday. I want the loan to bounce on the Friday, not on the Monday, okay? Make my loan payment bounce on Fridays!”

    She’s Also Forgetting Her Manners

    | Boston, MA, USA | Food & Drink

    (The concession stand at our theatre sells a few types of candy, soda, wine, and beer. It’s an upscale live performance theatre so it doesn’t have popcorn or many of the other options that movie theaters have. An elderly woman approaches the stand before the show.)

    Elderly Woman: “I want a hot dog and french fries!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have hot dogs or french fries. All our snacks are displayed on the bar.”

    Elderly Woman: “You’re lying! I was here last month and you had hot dogs and french fries!”

    (Note: I have worked here for three years. In that time we never had hot dogs or french fries.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s impossible for me to give you a hot dog and french fries. We simply don’t sell them. Would you like a candy instead?”

    Elderly Woman: “NO! I don’t want candy! I want a HOT DOG and FRENCH FRIES! Why don’t you understand me?”

    Me: “I do understand you, ma’am, but the only possible way for me to give you a hot dog and french fries would be to go to my home and make you some, and by that time you would have missed the show.”

    Elderly Woman: “I don’t care! I want a hot dog and french fries and it’s YOUR job to get them to me! If that’s what you have to do, then do it!”

    (At this point a woman in her 50s approaches the elderly woman.)

    Middle-aged Woman: “Mom, did you get what you want?”

    Elderly Woman: “NO! This little b**** won’t give me my hot dog and french fries!”

    Middle-aged Woman: “They don’t sell hot dogs or french fries here.”

    Elderly Woman: “Yes, they do! We were here last month, and they had them!”

    Middle-aged Woman: “We didn’t come here last month. We went to [famous baseball stadium a few blocks away]. THEY had hot dogs and french fries!”

    It’s A Face Off

    | Virginia, USA | Bizarre, Top

    (I greet a customer cheerfully as she enters the shop. After browsing briefly, she gives me a suspicious look and then leaves the store. A few moments later, she returns with my boss.)

    Customer: “HER! That is the WORST example of customer service I have ever experienced in this town!”

    Boss: *to me* “Could you explain what happened a minute ago?”

    Me: “I…I don’t understand. I said, ‘Hi, how are you today?’ and she left pretty much after that.”

    Customer: “Look at you now, tearing up in front of the boss! Well, missy, let me tell you…” *to my boss* “LOOK! She’s scowling again, behind your back! That is EXACTLY what I’m talking about!”

    (I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but I have naturally fair blonde hair which is dyed a darker shade. I line my brows a shade to match, and they have a dramatic natural arch.)

    Boss: “Ma’am? I think that’s just her face. She isn’t trying to offend.”

    Customer: “You think you’re so smart, missy? Well, one day, someone is going to call you out on your games! THEY’LL WIPE THAT SMUG LOOK RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!”

    Me: *I wipe my brow liner off and give her a blank look*

    Customer: *makes a choked noise, then quickly exits*

    Hair Unapparent

    | Saskatchewan, Canada | Food & Drink, Top

    (I am delivering pizzas to a hotel room in the early evening. I am a guy in my mid-20s with exceptionally long hair. The customer’s name on the bill is “Katie”. After knocking on the door, I hear someone approach it, but they don’t open the door. Instead, I sense them looking through the peephole, which is followed by some loud whispering.)

    Voice #1: “Guys, it’s a chick!”

    Voice #2: “Are you sure?”

    Voice #1: “Yes!”

    Voice #3: “Dude! Is she hot?”

    Voice #1: “I can’t tell. What do I do?”

    Voice #3: “Dude, take off your shirt!”

    (For the next few moments I hear a lot of shuffling noises. Finally, the door opens, and what do I see? Three scrawny, dorky-looking, and shirtless teenage boys, completely bewildered to see that I am not, in fact, a girl.)

    Me: “Sorry to disappoint you. Now, which one of you is Katie?”

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    Hair Apparent

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