(I’m work as a technical support agent for a satellite TV company. I get a call where I hear a baby screaming in the background.)

Me: “Thank you for calling Technical Support. How are you doing this evening?”

Customer: “Hello? Yes? I need to speak to someone in the technical department.”

Me: “Yes ma’am, this is the technical department, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m babysitting for a woman, and she has a one year old. I’ve never actually babysat a baby before, and I can’t figure out how to get the diaper off so I can change him! These things have some sort of electronic lock or something on them right so the baby can’t take them off?”

Me: “Ma’am, this is customer support for satellite television, not a child care line.”

Customer: “But you are a technical guy right?! You should be able to help me out! Is there somewhere I can put a code in or something? Come on!”

Me: “Ma’am, again I apologize, but this is a technical support line for satellite television. I really can’t help you.”

Customer: “Please, I’m begging you! I want to get paid for this job! if I don’t change his diaper and he gets a rash or something, I’m going to be in big trouble!”

Me: “Have you tried peeling back the two little tapes on the front of the diaper?”

(I hear the customer pause for a second, and then I hear the tell tale ripping noise of the diaper tapes being peeled away.)

Customer: “Wow! You’re a genius! It came right off! Did you press a little button or something on your end?”

(This bakery is a vintage style, family owned bakery with custom names for each product.)

Customer: "As a man of the cloth, I know this is a weird order. But could I get a Hazel Feelgood and a Drunk Blondie?"

Customer: “I’ve come to pick up my prescription.”

Me: “Oh I’m really sorry, due to extenuating circumstances we don’t have a pharmacist at the moment so legally I can’t give out any prescriptions. But if you wait 5 minutes, a replacement pharmacist will be here and then you can take it.”

Customer: “But I need it. Give it to me!”

Me: “I understand your problem but I would be breaking the law if I gave it to you.”

Customer: “I work in the pharmaceutical industry and I know for a fact you are lying! Give it to me now!”

(The pharmacist arrives and I explain the problem.)

Pharmacist: “I’m really sorry for the inconvenience but my colleague was right, there was nothing she could do. But now that I’m here, you can take your prescription.”

Customer: “You’re colleague is a cruel, moral-less b**** with the intelligence of a moron. She has endangered my life! I shall take this to court and win!” *storms out*

Me: *to pharmacist* “What was in her prescription?”

Pharmacist: “Drops for excessive ear wax.”

(I am working as a barista in a small coffee shop in a mall, located right next to the escalators. There’s a large window between the shop and the escalators, so I can see people going up and down. I’m having a very good day and making espresso when all of the sudden the escalators stop. A very stressed woman comes running around the corner, looking very angry.)

Customer: *waving with both hands* “Will you stop that!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Oh my God! I have my shopping cart in the escalators and it’s my sons birthday! Turn it back on!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t fix the escalator. There will probably be a service man her any minute.”

Customer: “I saw you pressing the buttons on that machine!” *points to the espresso machine* “You were laughing and then the escalator stopped. And now my son is stuck. It’s his birthday!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is an espresso machine. It makes coffee. I laughed because I’m in a good mood. There will be someone her soon to–”

Customer: “Then make another coffee, and start it again! And wipe that smile off your face!”

Related:
Espresso Yourself Can Cause A Latte Problems

(I work at a historic site from the American Civil War. I am talking to a 7-year old child.)

Small Child: “Who shot President Lincoln?”

Me: “He was shot by a Southern sympathizer named John Wilkes Booth.”

Small Child: “But why did he want to kill the president?”

Me: “Well, the North and the South were at war, and Booth thought that if he killed President Lincoln, it might help the South win.”

Small Child: “Oh…so were you here when it happened?”