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    Don’t Try Doctoring The Doctor

    | Sydney, Australia | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I am a medical receptionist for a busy medical centre. On this particular Friday night, we only have two doctors on and at least 35 people waiting. A new patient comes in.)

    New Patient: “Yes, I’d like to see a doctor, please.”

    Me: “Certainly sir. Although I must tell you, there will be approximately an hour and half wait. As you can see, we are very busy tonight.”

    New Patient: “Are you sure you can’t just squeeze me in at the top of the queue? I couldn’t be bothered to go to work today, so I need a medical certificate.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that won’t be possible. We have a large number of patients with more serious ailments.”

    New Patient: “That’s f***ing ridiculous!”

    (About ten minutes pass. One of the doctors comes out and calls another patient’s name.)

    Doctor: “Mr. [another patient]?”

    New Patient: “Yes! That’s me!”

    Doctor: “No, it’s not.”

    New Patient: “How do you know?! How dare you assume that I’m lying! Do you know who I am?!”

    Doctor: “I know for a fact that you’re not my brother-in-law, whose name I just called.”

    New Patient: *sheepishly picks up his bags and leaves*

    Another Darwin Awards Candidate, Part 2

    | Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

    (Note: This occurs at the pump while the customer’s car is filling.)

    Customer: “Is it okay if I smoke here?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? I heard the law changed.”

    Me: “No, because gas is still flammable.”

    Customer: “Oh, it is?”

    Related:
    Another Darwin Awards Candidate

    Well-To-Do, If A Bit Daffy

    | USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

    (A well-dressed woman enters the store and hands me a note.)

    Customer: “Could you get this order ready for me, please? I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

    (I look at the note, but it’s blank.)

    Me: “There is nothing written on this note.”

    Customer: “Well, I decided to surprise myself today with my purchases.”

    Me: “Okay…that’s new, but I’ll see what I can do!”

    (Ten minutes later, she returns.)

    Customer: “So, what did I buy today?”

    Me: *hands her a bag* “Three pounds of bread crust to feed the ducks in the park. They are free of charge.”

    Customer: *surprised* “Oh! I was planning to go to the hairdresser, but this is…DUCKS, YOU SAY? Well, off to the park, then! Goodbye!”

    Picked At The Peaks Of Flavor

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

    (I work as a server at a vegan cafe when a girl in her twenties walks in.)

    Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a coffee to start. One sugar, two cream.”

    Me: “Sorry, we actually don’t have cream, but we use soy milk.”

    Customer: “Uh, what? Soy milk? Like beans? You put beans in your coffee? That’s gross. Who would put beans in their coffee?”

    Me: “Actually, it’s pretty good, and coffee is actually made of coffee beans, right?”

    Customer: “Haha, could you imagine that? That would be soooo gross!”

    Me: “Well, you could think of coffee beans like seeds, too. But anyway, is soy milk okay in your coffee?”

    Customer: “Seeds?! Haha, imagine that! No, it’s just rich dirt.”

    Me: “Uh, what’s ‘rich dirt’?’

    Customer: “Coffee, duh! You know…the brown powder that they dig from mountains!”

    Sudo-Religious

    | New Zealand | Religion, Technology

    (An older customer with a very old laptop approaches me.)

    Customer: “Can you help me? I upgraded to the new Windows 7 thing and it’s going really really slow. Do I have a virus?”

    Me: “I’ll take a look, but have you considered running Linux or moving back to Windows XP if you still have it? Your computer’s probably slow because it’s not new enough to handle the more intensive new operating systems.”

    Customer: “But Linux is made by atheists!”

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