(I’m putting an item in a customer’s plastic bag after ringing them out.)

Customer #1: “Uhm… could you maybe use that bag for somebody who wants to kill the environment?”

Me: “Yeah, I think I can.”

(I turn to the next customer in line.)

Me: “Do you want to kill the environment?”

Customer #2: “Yes!”

Me: “A bag it is.”

(I have just activated a new smart-phone for a customer. I am showing them how to set it up.)

Me: “…and that is how you would send a text message. Do you have any other questions?”

Customer: “The time is wrong on this phone.”

Me: “That’s because you haven’t selected the correct time zone. Here, I will show you the time setup.”

(I show the customer the list of time zones, and briefly leave her to answer another customer’s question.)

Customer: *impatiently* “Excuse me! Excuse me! This phone you have given me is broken!”

Me: “Broken? Why do you say that?”

Customer: “There is no ‘Canadian’ time zone! It keeps trying to put it on ‘Eastern’!”

Me: “Yes, that would be correct, it’s seven o’clock here.”

Customer: *indignantly* “We don’t live in the east! This is Canada!”

(A young woman approaches the front register with a dead Siamese fighting fish in a cup.)

Customer: “I want a refund on my fish. All the fish I buy here keep dying! This is my 3rd replacement. I don’t understand what could be wrong except that you sell sick fish!”

Me: “I’m very sorry for that miss. I assure you we give all of our animals, including our fish, excellent care. Could you describe to me anything you noticed wrong with your fish before it passed away?”

Customer: “Well when I first get one it’s completely fine. I change the water once a week, add water conditioner, and it seems happy and healthy. Then, after a couple of weeks it starts looking really sickly and one day it just dies for no apparent reason.”

Me: “Ok, well what were you feeding it? Was it eating well?”

Customer:“Feeding it? These kind of fish eat?”

Me: “Yes of course they do. Everything needs to eat.”

Customer: “Wow, really?! I thought they just ate the water.”

Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, how much is an oil change?”

Me: “$38.99.”

Caller: “Okay, well usually I bring in a coupon and they give me money off, but I don’t have it with me this time. Can you just give me a discount?”

Me: “No, we actually need to scan the hard copy itself to enter a discount.”

Caller: “Well, what if I bring in a make-believe coupon?”

Me: “A what?”

Caller: “You know, a make-believe coupon?”

Me: “Those are good for make-believe oil changes.”

Customer: “Why won’t the door open?”

Me: “It opens like a normal door. It’s not automatic.”

Customer: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “Give it a push.”

(The customer backs up and tries to ‘activate’ the door again.)

Customer: “It won’t open!”