October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Sat Too Long On The Hash Key

| IL, USA | Awesome Customers, Technology, Top

(I’m manager of the electronic department in a retail store. Though we do not offer tech support, I often give out advice when I can, since I’m pretty tech savvy.)

Customer: “Hey, you seem to know your stuff; I’ve seen you around. Listen, my cat sat on my laptop the other day, and now I can’t get the track-pad to work. I could use a mouse, but it’s more to carry around and they make my hand hurt.”

Me: “I can’t be sure, but it sounds like your cat may have just disabled it. Most laptops have a button you can turn it on/off with, and the cat probably pressed it by accident.”

(I show him on a demo unit what to look for and where it might be. He thanks me, and heads out. I don’t think anything of it until I see him again, about 30 minutes later, with a plastic shopping bag in tow.)

Customer: “So, I tried to find what you suggested, but I couldn’t figure it out. Do you think you could show me?”

(I look around nervously, since I’m technically not allowed to perform any services like this. But he already has the laptop out on my counter, and it’s powering up. Since no one is around, I decide to help him out.)

Me: “Your track-pad was locked. This button right here locks and unlocks it. See the little light that comes on when it’s working?”

Customer: “Oh man, that’s awesome! I can’t believe it was so simple. Listen, I was ready to spend a lot to get this fixed, but you did it for free! Can I give you this $20 as a tip?”

Me: “Ah… no. Unfortunately we are not allowed to accept tips. If you’re really insistent that I take it, I’ll have to turn it over to my boss, and it’ll become part of a charitable donation.”

Customer: “What if I just drop it as I’m leaving, and you happen to pick it up?”

Me: “There’s a security camera right above us. Listen, I really appreciate the thought, but I can’t accept it. Think of it as my good deed for the day.”

Customer: “Right on man, like karma. Hey, you want some of this bud?”

(He pulls a small plastic bag of marijuana out of his pocket, and offers it towards me.)

Me: “Ah! Sir, I would highly recommend putting that away. I did mention there’s a security camera right above us.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. Well, I hope when you get off work you get to smoke up, drink up, or whatever it is you do to unwind. You deserve it, man. Let that good karma flow back to you!”


| Canada | Bigotry, History, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(I work at a museum which features a large permanent exhibit of local First Nations artefacts, living spaces, and other historical paraphernalia. Because of this, we offer free admission to First Nations patrons. I have just finished printing tickets for two First Nations women. The next woman in line is Caucasian.)

Woman: “Did they just get in for free?”

Me: “Yes.”

Woman: “Why?”

Me: “They’re First Nations. We offer free admission to those with status cards.”

Woman: “But that’s outrageous! I have to play $15, and they get in free just because they’re lazy natives?”

Me: “Ma’am—”

Woman: “It’s not our fault they spend all their money on booze and can’t afford the museum! Why should they get in for free?”

Me: “Ma’am! This museum features artefacts that were at one time stolen from the local bands. They are now put on display in exhibits of cultural history, of which the museum now makes a profit. You think we should charge the members of the culture it was stolen from to come see it?”

Woman: “Yes!”

Knot Possible

| Oshawa, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

(I work in the lumber department of my store. I spot an older customer, studying our 2×4 lumber. She looks very sour.)

Me: “Hi there, ma’am. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yes, I need a 2×4, but I don’t want one with knots.”

Me: “Well, that’s going to be tricky with these. Just about every one that I’ve ever seen has a least a few knots here and there.”

Customer: “No, I need one with no knots. I’m working on a project and if there are knots, the wood will break.”

Me: “Well, I have some pieces of pine select; no knots in them at all!”

Customer: “Oh, I looked at those. They’re too expensive; I’m on a pension you know. What about that one up there? It looks clean.”

(The customer points to a fresh lift of lumber, and it indeed looks clean, but the home is full.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m willing to bet that they’ll have just as many knots as this lift.”

Customer: “Show me!”

(I begin the process of getting a driver, and pulling down the lift. Due to the fact that I have to close down the main lumber aisle to due so, two assistant managers are watching me. As they watch, I open the lift and start sorting through the pieces, showing the older lady that they all have knots in them.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous!”

(After she leaves, one of the managers walks over to me.)

Manager: “What was wrong with the wood?”

Me: “She didn’t want any knots in her 2×4.”

Manager: “Yeah, find a tree without branches and we’ll give her a 2×4 without knots.”

Putting His Own Spin On It

| WA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Transportation

(I work in a gas station. An older customer comes in, and starts ranting at me. A younger male customer stands behind her, waiting for her to be done.)

Older Customer: “You know most vehicles have their gas nozzle on the driver’s side of the car, right?”

Me: “Well, I can’t really say one way or another but—”

Older Customer: “You should put more pumps on the left side so the MAJORITY of people can use your pumps.”

Me: “I don’t really underst—”

Older Customer: “It’d really be easier if you just made more on the LEFT SIDE, because all the cars have it on that side.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we DO rotate the pumps every six months.”

Customer: “Oh! Well all right then!”

(The older customer walks out cheerfully.)

Younger Customer: “You… rotate them?”

Me: “Yup, pick ‘em up, swivel ‘em around, set ‘em back down.”

Younger Customer: “Well played…”

Extra Reserves Of Stupidity

| Fairfax, VA, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Transportation

(I’m about to move into a new apartment. The parking situation at this complex is pretty relaxed. It allows guests/non residents to park there during the day, in any spot that isn’t reserved for residents who pay extra for their spots. I go to the leasing office to pick up my keys. I’m about to go up to the counter, when a woman bursts into the office and yells at the receptionist.)

Woman: “Excuse me! I think my car was just stolen!”

Receptionist: “Stolen? Oh my gosh! Where was your car?”

Woman: “I was at my friend’s home for just a few minutes. I come outside, and my car is gone. It’s just gone!”

Receptionist: “Well, do you think you may have parked it in a reserved space? We have a tow truck come in to clear cars in reserved parking spaces.”

Woman: “What? No one told me not to park in such a space! Besides, my friend is out of town so she couldn’t even tell me not to park there. And besides, I was only inside for a few minutes!”

Receptionist: “I really do apologize, ma’am. Let me find out what I can.”

(The receptionist tries her best to calm the woman down, and calls the contracted tow company. She gives them a description of the car.)

Receptionist: “Yes, ma’am, they did tow your car. You had parked it in a reserved space.”

Woman: “This is ridiculous! I have an appointment in 30 minutes; I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this!”

(The receptionist is trying to be as accommodating as possible. I end up taking a seat, realizing I’m not going to be getting any help until this is resolved. The receptionist disappears into the back office to get approval to order a cab, and even have the property offer to pay for it. As soon as she leaves, the woman looks at me.)

Woman: “It’s like we’re living in a police state. It’s totally unbelievable! People are waiting in the bushes for the littlest things. You know, I was just feeding my friend’s cats! No good deed goes unpunished.”

Me: “I’m moving in today, and a few weeks ago when I came here for the first time, I knew better than to park in a space that had ‘RESERVED’ written on it in large letters.”

(The woman shuts up and waits for the girl to come back. She was not necessarily calmer, but she did tone down her ranting!)

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