(I was a naturalist on a semi-submersible vessel for a summer in Alaska. The passengers get to sit in the bottom section of the boat, six feet below the water line, looking out of large windows. Over the course of the summer, I got a couple of fun questions.)

Tourist 1: “Hey, where are all the tropical fish?”

Me: *blink* “Um, in the tropics, sir. This is Alaska.”

Tourist 2: “Are we going to see any bears?”

Me: *looking out the windows at fields of kelp and bored-looking rockfish* “Sorry, no. We haven’t been able to get them to use the scuba equipment without chewing through it yet.”

( I worked as a waiter at a country club with a bunch of really “Old Money” snobs. )

Me: “We have a steak (of some kind, I don’t remember). And dude does it sound good!”

Old Money: “Ahem! Excuse me! Did you just say dude?”

Me: “Why yes sir. I did, I was just saying how good this dish sounds.”

Old Money: “Well, excuse me young man. Dude AIN’T a word.”

(At this point I’m thinking…are you seriously trying to debate this with an English Major by saying “Ain’t?”)

Me: “Well sir, actually it is. A dude is a rich old man, like yourself, from the East who thinks they can live on a ranch in the West. And just for the record sir! ‘Ain’t’ is NOT a word! ”

(Needless to say, I wasn’t allowed to wait that Old Man or his family at the Country Club ever again.)

(I work as a box office cashier and Saturday nights are the best due to funny things like this.)

Lady: “I need two for 27 Dresses.”

Me: “I’m sorry but the 7:20 is sold out. Our next one is at 10:00.”

Lady: “Seriously? It’s sold out?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Lady: “So there aren’t any more seats?”

Me: “No seats.”

Lady: “What if I went and bought concessions?”

Me: “Then you would have concessions, I suppose.”

Lady: “I mean, if I bought stuff from inside, I can get seats right?”

Me: “No. You’ll just have popcorn and soda.”

Lady: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Well typically when you get concessions, you end up with popcorn and soda.”

Lady: “Yes. That’s true.”

Me: “Can I ask you to step aside so I can help some other people if you aren’t ready to select another movie?”

Lady: “Oh, yes! I’m sorry! I’ll be right back.”

(About ten minutes pass and she comes back with a guy, popcorn and soda.)

Lady: “Hi! Remember me? I need two for 27 Dresses at 7:20.”

Me: “Um…I’m sorry, but that’s still sold out.”

Lady: “But, I thought you said if I bought popcorn and soda, I could see it!”

Me: *blink blink*

Guy:: “HEY! IF you told her she could see it if she got food, then sell her the tickets!”

Me: “Okay, fine. Just warning you there are only eight seats in the thea–”

Guy:: “SELL US THE SEATS.”

Me: “Okie dokie. $16.50, please.”

Guy:: “WHAT? Oh, f*** that. Come on. The movie costs more than the food. Let’s just go rent something.”

Lady: “But will the rental store have it?”

Me: “There’s a Blockbuster right there. Go bug them.”

Customer: “Yes, do your combo meals come with a Coke?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, they come with fries and a drink.”

Customer: “But what if I wanted something other than Coke?”

Me: “Well, you fill your drink yourself around the corner over there, so you can get whatever you want.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *customer places order*

Me: *sets out tray with receipt on top*

Customer: *looks at receipt, suddenly frowns* “Hey, it says ‘Coke’ on here for a drink. I didn’t order a Coke!”

Me: “That just means you ordered a drink.”

Customer: “But I didn’t want a Coke!”

Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. You can put whatever you’d like in your drink at the drink machines back there.”

Customer: “BUT IT SAYS COKE ON THE RECEIPT!”

Me: “All of the soft drinks are the same prices. It doesn’t matter what it says on the receipt.”

Customer: “Oh…” *leaves with her cup and fills her drink*

Coworkers: *laugh for the next ten minutes*

(It is a known fact that when you go into the Carmike movie theater, you cannot have extra bags or cups, because that is how the theater makes their money. You can bring empty cups with you, but we cannot provide you with them. One night, a guy was not having it.)

Me: “Nope, I’m sorry. I can’t give you an extra bag.”

Customer: “Why the hell not?”"

Me: “Because each bag is accounted for through our inventory, and if I give you one, it will be messed up.”

Customer: “Then how am I supposed to share with my son?”

Me: “Pay the 35 cents more and upgrade.”

(I finish giving him his order, and then turn around to clean up some of the mess. The customer suddenly reaches behind the counter, grabs another bag and takes off.)

Me: “Oh, HELL no!” *chases customer down with a team of gangsta ushers*

(We surround the customer, as all the ushers have their arms folded and are staring him down.)

Usher 1: “You gonna give her that bag back?”

Customer: “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!”

Usher 2: “Then don’t come here if you can’t follow our rules.”

*security guards escort him out*

Random Customer at a bar #1: “Why do you always have to be so self defecating?”

Random Customer at a bar #2: “I see that you read a lot. I read a lot, too. I just finished Brave New World by Adolphus Huxley.”

Random Customer at a bar #3: “Yeah, it’s crazy, they can go to the bottom of the Marinara Trench.”

Related:
There Once Was A Man From Nantucket

(I was traying up baked goods one Friday night, and around 8 o’clock a middle aged woman walks up to the counter.)

Woman: “Hello, excuse me?”

Me: “Yes? Do you need help with anything?”

Woman: “Yes, I’d like to know if you have baked bread on Sundays?”

Me: “Yes…this is a bakery. We have fresh bread everyday.”

Woman: “I know! I was just wondering if it was fresh on Sundays! I don’t want to come in and buy stale bread. I bought a stale loaf one time and it was disgusting!”

Me: “Well, yes, we do. We don’t sell stale bread, ma’am, or we would get in trouble.”

Woman: “Okay, I was just making sure! If there was stale bread I would’ve been angry!”

Me: “Well we actually can’t sell stale bread…it’s a health code issue…”

Woman: “Well, GOOD! I’m glad you’re finally doing your job.”

Me: “…”

(The woman storms off.)

(Customer has pulled up the the drive-thru after ordering a coffee.)

Customer: “Can you add the cream and sugar for me?”

Me: “It’s against policy to do that to prevent contamination.”

Customer: “Well, what if I had no arms?”

Me: *dumb founded*

Customer: “If I spill the cream as I’m adding it while driving, I’m going to sue you!”

Me: “Sir, you’re in a parking lot. You can pull over.”

*customer speeds off*

Manager: “If he didn’t have arms, how would he be driving?!”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a Playboy for my son.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, a Playboy to play with.”

Me: *trying very hard not to laugh* “You mean a Gameboy?”

Customer: “Yeah that!”

Customer: *realizes what she said* “OH!”

Customer at a drive-through: “Do you have orange juice, not an orange drink?”

Me: “Yes, we have orange juice.”

Customer: “I asked if you have orange juice, not an orange drink!”

Me: “And I said we do have orange juice…”

Customer, yelling: “Why don’t you answer my question!”

Me: “I did…twice…”

Customer: “F**k you! I don’t need to take this!”

Me: “Oooookay then…”