(I am talking to a woman on the phone who needs to call back the next day. She is in Texas).

Caller: “What time is it there?”

Me: “Three thirty.”

Caller: “In the morning?”

Me: “No, in the afternoon.”

Caller: “Oh. Of what day?”

Me: “Saturday. We’re only three hours different from you.”

Caller: “Really?” *pause* “Is it snowing?”

Me: “No ma’am, its August. Its nice and sunny out.”

Caller: “Oh wow!”

Related:
Yukon Freeze It
No Vocation For Location
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude

Customer: “I’ll have the chicken salad.”

Me: “Alright.”

Customer: “Is there MSG in it?”

Me: “There might be some in the dressing, I can check for you. Are you allergic?

Customer: “No, it just gives me diarrhea.”

Me: “Uh…ok?”

Customer’s friend: “That’s too much information!”

Customer: “No she needs to know. You need to know right?”

*pause*

Me: *nervous laughter* “Oh, absolutely.”

(A middle aged couple come into the tropical fish section and ask me about their algae-eating fish.)

Customer: "Hello, we bought some algae eaters a while back, and they died after about 2 weeks. We bought some more and they did exactly the same after 2 weeks and we were just wondering what could have been wrong with them?"

Me: "What have you been feeding them?"

Customer: "Nothing, we thought they ate the algae."

Me: "They do, if there’s enough to go around."

Customer: “Oh dear. Well they did keep the glass awfully clear."

(These customers are usually regulars and rant with us.)

Customer: “Those d*** telemarketers keep calling me at home. I swear, one of these days, I’m going to find those f***s and gun them down!”

Me: “Aww, that’s hardly fair. They’re just doing their job, you know?”

Customer: “Yeah, well that’s what the Nazis said at Nuremberg.”

Me: “Are you honestly trying to comparing somebody calling you at home inconveniently equal to genocide?”

Customer: “D*** right it is. They should do something about it too! Hold a trial or something.”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think it’s really fair to make that sort of judgment on any individual.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying that what the Nazis did was okay?”

Me: “Not at all. Just that it’s a bit of a stretch.”

Customer: “Uh huh…you seem like the kind of guy who’d stand up for the terrorists, too wouldn’t you? I bet if they built a mosque on Ground Zero, you’d be okay with that, too!?”

Me: “They’re already doing that.”

Customer: “Wait, what!?”

(I am ringing up a customer. She has bought one large jug of ice-cream, a bag of chips, and dip.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Just fine…. just fine.”

(I notice she’s looking me over up and down, but I try to ignore it.)

Customer: “How are you so skinny?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “How are you skinnier than me? It’s so unhealthy!”

Me: “Uh, well I’m normally like this. I exercise, and I try to stay fit.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying I’m not!? I can’t believe this. Just because I’m buying ice-cream and chips, doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy!”

Me: “I know it doesn’t ma’am. I eat ice-cream too.”

Customer: “Wait, you do?”

Me: “All the time, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh… no wonder why you’re more bigger than me. You should take care of yourself more.”