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    Alohomorons

    | Newport, TN, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

    (I’m working in the library when a patron of about 11 or 12 years of age walks up. We have the following exchange.)

    Young Patron: “Where do you have the Harry Potter books?”

    Me: “They’re right back here…”

    (I show her to the section where we keep them. She stares at them for a while.)

    Young Patron: “Can I have the Prisoner of Azkaban?”

    (I take it out and place it on a table. She opens it up and leafs through it.)

    Young Patron: “Oh my God! There are so many words! Can I have the one with less pages?!”

    Your Car Must Have A Telepathic Transmission

    | Ohio, USA | Crazy Requests, Top

    (A customer calls my shop asking for a price on a car part.)

    Customer: “I need a price on a piece for a window in my car. No other shop seems to be able to give me a price.”

    Me: “Sure, ma’am, I’d be glad to help you. What kind of car do you have, and what part is broken?”

    Customer: “Does that matter?”

    Me: “Well yes, ma’am…prices are different depending on what part and what car.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not giving you that information!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, without a little more to work with I won’t be able to find out what it would cost you. If you’d be willing to tell me the vehicle and part, I could get you an exact price.”

    Customer: “Okay, smarta***, don’t give me an exact price then. Just give me a ball park.”

    Me: “Well, the part could range anywhere from $50 to $3,000. But again, it all depends on the year, make, model, and what part is broken.”

    Customer: “I don’t appreciate being patronized! There is no way that this could cost $3,000!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it could depending on what the damaged part—”

    Customer: “I want to give you a business tip: if a customer asks for a price, you give them an exact price! You don’t give them a ball park figure if they ask for an exact price, and you certainly don’t make up outrageous figures like that. If you expect to stay in business, you should work on being more helpful! *slams down phone*

    You’re An Idi0t, Part 2

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Language & Words

    (In order to proceed on our site, users need to type in a signature consisting of their name and their username, which is an eight-digit number.)

    Customer: “Every time I’m typin’ in my signature, it ain’t accepting it.”

    Me: “Okay, well, I just want to make sure everything’s entered correctly in our system.”

    (I read out their name, including spelling. Everything’s correct.)

    Me: “Alright, let’s check your user ID. It should be zero-one-six—”

    Customer: “Now, hold on. Do you mean the letter zero, or the number zero?”

    Me: “…The number. Zero is a number.”

    Customer: “Oh…huh. Well, that may be the problem. I been usin’ the alphabet-zero this whole time!”

    Related:
    You’re An Idi0t
    You Have O Sense

    Bad Parents Bug Us

    | Southern California, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am an intern giving a tour at my local zoo. The first stop is the butterfly & moth exhibit, where guests can go inside with animals. I give them the rules and instructions which include staying on the path/off the plants, no grabbing the animals, etc. Once we are inside, I see two children, approximately 6 and 8 years old, climbing all over the plants, trying to grab butterflies in their fists and bothering other guests. I do not see their mother, so I speak up.)

    Me: “Excuse me, boys. You need to stay on the path. You aren’t allowed to climb on the plants, and you definitely aren’t allowed to grab the animals like that.”

    (At that moment, their mom comes running out from behind a tree, clearly on her cell phone.)

    Mother: “Hey, you can’t tell my kids what to do! If there’s a problem you come talk to me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I didn’t see you, and your children were damaging the exhibit.”

    Mother: “What?! No, they weren’t! They are angels!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but they were climbing all over the plants and crushing them. There were also trying to grab the butterflies, which we do not allow.”

    Mother: “So? My boys are having fun. They can do whatever they want!”

    Me: “No, they are not. We have rules, and if you cannot follow them, you will be asked to leave the butterfly house and you will not allowed to remain a part of this tour.”

    Mother: “Your rules don’t make any sense. You just want to stop everyone from having fun!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, but it is my job to ensure that guests do not damage the exhibit.”

    Mother: “But you can just plant more plants, and the butterflies will be fine!”

    Me: “The butterflies will most certainly not be fine! Grabbing them like that will kill them!”

    Mother: “KILL?! How dare you say that in front of my children?! You are damaging them for life!” *turns to her boys* “Don’t worry, she’s lying! The buggies will be fine. You just keep playing!”

    (Despite my warnings, the mother refuses to intervene, so I have her and her children removed from the park. As she is being escorted out by security, she turns to me.)

    Mother: “You’re nuts! They’re just stupid bugs!”

    (Not a smart thing to say to an entomology student.)

    Needlessly Needy

    | New York, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Money

    (I work for a private school which caters mostly to academically talented urban youth. Years ago, the school was not as diverse as the school is now; many of our students received substantial scholarships due to coming from low income households.)

    Me: “Good morning. What can I do for you today?”

    Parent: “I’m here to see the Director! You people have been overcharging me for years! *slams a thick folder on my desk* “These are all my statements and checks proving you’ve been cheating me!”

    Me: “Can you give me your name and the student’s name so I can look up your account, please?”

    (The parent gives me the information and I look up the account.)

    Me: “Ms. [parent's name], your son graduated in June 2002. That was almost 10 years ago.”

    Parent: “And? You took my money! I hear students are only charged $500 a year to go here, but I was charged thousands! THOUSANDS!”

    Me: “Please calm down. Let me explain: we have always given need-based scholarships to low income students, and—”

    Parent: “We are low income, but you charged me the full tuition anyway! I want my money back TODAY!”

    Me: “Ms. [parent's name], according to our notations your average total gross household income during your son’s tenure with us averaged around $170,000 a year.”

    Parent: “…AND?”

    Me: “Well, students who receive low tuitions through need-based and academic scholarships tend to come from extremely low income backgrounds. Off the top of my head, I believe some of the students who fall under need based-scholarships average gross household incomes of only $20,000 a year.”

    Parent: “You f***ing liar! Nobody makes so little money! I want to see the f***ing director, right f***ing now!”

    (She ended up seeing the director, who did not give her money back but offered her a lower tuition rate for when her youngest child is old enough to attend our school. When that day comes, I plan to work elsewhere.)

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