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    Wifitis

    | Overland Park, KS, USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    (I work at a busy computer and electronics store. A customer approaches me in the printer section.)

    Customer: “I’d like to buy a wifi disabled printer.”

    Me: “Ah, do you mean a wifi enabled printer?”

    Customer: “No. I want to buy a printer but it can’t have wifi.”

    (I acquiesce and spend some time showing her a few different lines, explaining what each can do. None of them are satisfactory, since any modern consumer-level printer with decent features has built in wifi. Sensing her frustration, I show her a newer model. She’s pretty much sold but I tell her wifi is built in but that she can disable it if she’s worried about security.)

    Customer: “No no. It’s not about security. It doesn’t matter if it can be disabled. We can’t risk having wifi in the printer at all.”

    Me: “Not to pry, but why is it so important that the printer doesn’t have built-in wifi?”

    Customer: “My husband is very sensitive to wireless electronic signals. He gets extreme headaches when exposed to them even for a short period of time. That’s why he’s standing over there.” *points to a smiling man standing about twenty feet away*

    Me: *sarcastically* “Oh, no!”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “You might want to inform your husband that he’s been standing under the store’s main wireless access point for the past 20 minutes, being blasted with wifi signals 50 times stronger than any of these printers.”

    (She ran to her husband, said something, and pointed up to the access point on the ceiling. I tried not to have a smug look on my face as the man suddenly feigned illness and they left abruptly.)

    Not A Green Machine

    | Aurora, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (At my store our pin-pad works a bit differently if you want credit instead of debit. You slide your card and then are prompted to enter your PIN. If you want credit you hit the green button – labeled CREDIT – as the red button cancels the transaction.)

    Customer: *slides card and hits cancel* “Oh, I’m sorry I think I canceled it.”

    Me: “That’s okay. Just slide your card again and hit the green button for credit.”

    Customer: “Okay, thanks.” *does so*

    (I finish the transaction and hand her the receipt, then start ringing out her boyfriend who was in line behind her and watching the whole thing.)

    Customer’s Boyfriend: *slides card* “I want credit.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, just hit the green button.”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: *hits the red button*

    Me: “Sorry sir, you canceled it. Slide it one more time and hit the green button for me.”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: *slides again and hits the red button again* “I want to do it as credit!”

    Me: “Yes, sir, just slide your card again and press the green button.”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “… But I want credit.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, the green button for credit.”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “To run it as credit? I don’t want to use my PIN.”

    Me: “Yes sir, just hit the green button for credit.”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “But I want to run it as credit! I don’t want to enter my PIN!”

    Me: “I understand that, sir. Just slide your card for me and then press the green button for credit.”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: *narrows eyes and hits the red button again* “I WANT TO DO IT AS CREDIT!”

    (The first customer sighs and does it for him.)

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “But I wanted credit!”

    Me: *smiles* “It ran as credit, sir. See it shows it here on your receipt. Thank you and have a nice day.”

    Next Customer: *slides card and hits the red button*

    Me: *sighs*

    Got It White The First Time

    | New Orleans, LA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I wait tables at a coffee shop that specializes in cafe au lait. We mix the coffee and milk before serving it to the customer. An elderly couple comes in about four times a week.)

    Customer: “Now I want my coffee a little on the light side. A LITTLE light, understand?”

    (She always says this.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    (I fix the coffee with just a little extra milk.)

    Customer: “I said a LITTLE light. This is all milk. Fix me another one.”

    (I fix a second cup, a little darker, and bring it to her table.)

    Customer: “Now this is way too dark. Try to get it right, would you?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    (I fix a third cup, medium colored.)

    Customer: “I don’t understand what’s the matter with you people. I want my coffee a LITTLE light. Bring this back. A little light, you understand?”

    Me: “You got it.”

    (With a big silly smile on my face, I bring her coffee for the fourth time.)

    Customer: “Now THIS is what I wanted! Why can’t you get it right the first time?”

    Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am. I’ll try next time.”

    Customer: “Yes, you do that.”

    (After she had sent back her first coffee, I put the cup on the warmer. I served her that same coffee on attempt number four. The entire wait staff has been doing this for years now.)

    Refunder Blunder, Part 7

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

    (Customers are able to purchase items through an affiliated online sales channel, which has its own customer service department. Stores really do not have a lot of information regarding these orders, but customers usually come here first when there’s a problem. This customer calls on a Saturday.)

    Caller: “Yeah, I just got an email saying my order’s been cancelled. How do I get my money back?”

    Me: “Well, your refund will be processed however you paid for it, so it will go onto your payment card automatically.”

    Caller: “How much will I get back?”

    Me: “I’m not sure; I’d have to pull up your order details.”

    (I can basically see what they ordered, what they paid, and their order status, that’s it.)

    Caller: “Can I just get cash back? I don’t want to wait a month for it to process.”

    Me: “Well, it will only take a couple of business days…”

    Caller: “So, how much am I getting back? Why is this taking so long?”

    Me: “Well, let’s see. You paid about $5—”

    Caller: “But I paid shipping! If I’m not being shipped anything, I shouldn’t be charged shipping!”

    Me: “Yes, that’s true. You will be refunded the shipping—”

    Caller: “Then how much am I getting back? And when will I be getting it? God! Why are you taking so long with this?”

    Me: “Well, this was an online order. You’d really have better luck talking to online customer service.”

    Caller: “What’s their number?”

    Me: “Let me just pull that up for you—”

    Caller: “I’m not wasting another minute on this. Call me back next month when you’ve finally found it.” *rattles off phone number and hangs up on me*

    (Despite the shock of her rudeness, I pull up the online customer service number and proceed to call her back maybe 30 seconds later.)

    Me: “Hi, I’ve got that customer service number for you—”

    Caller: “About time. Give it to me.”

    (I give her the number and she hangs up on me again.)

    Me: “Well, that was fun.”

    Coworker: “Isn’t online customer service closed on weekends?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    (And I would have warned her of that if she hadn’t hung up on me again. I guessed she had fun figuring that out for herself.)

    Related:
    Refunder Blunder, Part 6
    Refunder Blunder, Part 5
    Refunder Blunder, Part 4

    Don’t Do The Crime If You Can’t Tell The Time

    | TX, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Money

    (My store has a grocery section, including an aisle of wine and beer. Since, in my state, alcohol cannot be sold before noon on Sundays, during that time the aisle is roped off. A customer comes up to my till at 10 on a Sunday, carrying bottles of wine.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I won’t be able to sell these to you before noon.”

    Customer: “What?! Why?”

    Me: “It’s state law. Alcohol can’t be sold before noon on Sundays.”

    Customer: “But I have to have these for a lunch party! It’s starting soon, and I said I’d bring the wine!”

    Me: “Again, I’m sorry, but I can’t sell these now. It’s illegal and my register will reject it if I try to ring it up.”

    Customer: “Don’t you understand? I NEED THESE. I will look like a FOOL if I show up at the party without any wine.”

    Me: “That’s… not really something I’m able to help with. I can’t break the law for that.”

    Customer: “What law? I just want you to sell me wine!”

    Me: “Texas state law forbids the sale of alcohol before noon on a Sunday. If you’d like, you can come back after noon and buy the wine then.”

    Customer: *suddenly calm* “Fine. I’ll come back later and pay for these then.”

    (She then picks up the bottles and starts walking towards the door with them. I call security.)

    Security: “Ma’am, you can’t take those without having paid for them.”

    Customer: “But she won’t let me pay for them!”

    Security: “Alcohol can’t be sold before noon. That doesn’t mean you get to walk out with it.”

    Customer: “But I was going to come back and pay for it later!”

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