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    Capitalizing On The Situation

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (I work as a freelance editor. A regular client sends me a file to edit. I’m almost sure the client is dyslexic, because every sentence has a spelling or grammar error, and there’s never any consistency. Sometimes he will hyphenate phrases, other times he won’t. He often forgets to use proper punctuation and seems to randomly capitalise words.)

    Me: “Okay, I sent you that document back.”

    Client: “Sweet, got it.”

    Me: “Let me know if there’s anything wrong or you have questions.”

    (Often clients ask why whole sentences have been deleted or I’ve changed a word they really wanted to keep, even though it doesn’t mean what they think.)

    Client: “Um, you’ve changed the layout! I don’t want it like this!”

    Me: “How do you mean? I didn’t touch the layout.”

    Client: “It’s showing me two pages!”

    Me: “It was a two-page document.”

    Client: “No, it’s showing me two pages at once. Here, let me send you a screen shot.”

    (They send me a screen shot of the document.)

    Me: “Oh, it’s just displaying it as two up. Two pages side-by-side. I turned that on because I have a large monitor and it’s easier to work with two pages at once. You can turn it off by clicking on the percentage in the bottom left on the screen and selecting ‘one up.’”

    Client: “I can’t see it.”

    Me: “It’s just in the bottom left of the window, down the bottom next to the word count.”

    Client: “Oh, got it. That’s better.” *they pause* “What are all these dots and triangles everywhere?”

    Me: “Those show where I made changes. You asked me to track changes so you could see what amendments I’d made.”

    Client: “How do I get rid of them?”

    (I explain that they can either accept all the changes or do them manually, one-by-one. They accept all changes because there are too many to do one-by-one.)

    Client: “You’ve changed the formatting too.”

    Me: “Yes, it needed to make sense. You put paragraphs in the wrong places, and a good document doesn’t use all capitals because it tends to make people tense.”

    Client: “But it’s a marketing technique!”

    Me: “I’m an editor, not a marketing agent.”

    Client: “Put all the capitals back in.”

    Me: “With all due respect, you should have told me not to change them before you gave me the document. You said you wanted editing; I gave you editing. Next time tell me.”

    (I want to keep the client’s business. Even though he is a bit stingy, he does pay and it’s a good semi-reliable trickle if I need a bit of cash quickly.)

    Client: “You’ve also changed the capitals on some words that were meant to have capital letters.”

    Me: “I assure you, it is improper English to put those phrases in capitals. They’re not place names, product names, names of people, titles, or anything that needs capitals.”

    Client: “But it’s—”

    Me: “A marketing technique?”

    Client: “Yes.”

    Me: “Again, you should have told me not to change those.”

    Client: “You weren’t meant to change the capitals. You were only meant to edit the text.”

    Me: “That’s what an editor does. They make the text conform to English standards.”

    Client: “Well, don’t do it in future.”

    Me: “…okay.”

    Client: “I’ll fix it this time, but make sure you leave those things the way they are in future.”

    Me: “What if you capitalise one word in one sentence, but don’t capitalise it in another sentence.”

    Client: “How do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, in this part you capitalise the letter ‘A’. And in this other sentence, you don’t, but all the words around it are capitalised.”

    Client: “Well of course you fix it then.”

    Me: “So you want me to make sure the document uses consistently bad English?”

    Client: “It’s marketing. It’s not bad English.”

    Me: “So do I capitalise the second one, or put the first one in lower case?”

    Client: “You. Oh. Er. Um. How about you just leave that to me?”

    Me: “Sounds like a plan.”

    The Poster Child For Unreasonableness

    | Mankato, MN, USA | Crazy Requests, Themed Giveaway

    (A customer has a very, very old and tattered poster. Since she doesn’t want all of the poster framed, we talk about having it cut down in size. I always advise that customers research the value of their artwork before cutting.)

    Customer: “It could be worth a lot of money.”

    Me: “That’s true. We can save this order as an estimate until you can look it up and see what the value is before you cut it.”

    Customer: “How do you do that?”

    Me: “Since there isn’t a title, I would suggest you look it up on the internet by the band and the date on the poster.”

    Customer: “Oh! I know!! I could order a copy and cut that to fit instead!”

    Me: “Perhaps. It’s really very, very old but I suppose you might find possibly another copy online.”

    Customer: “Okay! You go check and I’ll wait.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Can’t you look it up? Don’t you have a list of posters or something?”

    Me: “But you brought this poster in. It’s not one we sell in the store.”

    Customer: “But isn’t there a list?”

    Me: “There isn’t a comprehensive list of all posters ever made, no.”

    Customer: “But how will you order it for me?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t. We’re a frame shop and do not offer poster-ordering as a service. And to be honest, this is so old that it may take you a few weeks to track down another copy, if it even exists.”

    Customer: “Well, that doesn’t help me, now! Does it?!”

    Attempting To Mask Out Stupidity

    | Australia | Crazy Requests, Technology, Themed Giveaway

    (Our store does basic restoration services.)

    Customer: “I have these photos of a masquerade ball.” *holds up photos with people with full masks on* “I need you to photoshop the masks off.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, it is impossible for me to remove a mask of the person.”

    Customer: “But I need to know who they are!”

    Me: “If you have a different photo of the peoples faces, I can photoshop their face on, but it is impossible to remove a mask on a still photograph.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. If CSI can do it why can’t you?”

    This Conversation Goes Round And Round

    | Whitehorse, YT, Canada | Crazy Requests, Themed Giveaway, Transportation

    (A customer phones in and wants a quote on a very specific tire and size.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but [Brand] doesn’t make that winter tire in that size.”

    Caller: “When will you be getting them in?”

    Me: “They don’t make that tire in your size.”

    Caller: “If you order them in for me during the sale, can I still get sale price?”

    Me: “Sir, they DON’T make that tire in the size you need.”

    Caller: “Do you think I could get a rain check for them then?”

    Me: ‘Sir, we can’t issue you a rain check for a tire that they… don’t… make!”

    Caller: *Click*

    Acting Like They Were Born In A Bearn

    | Austin, TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, History, Language & Words

    (I work at a renaissance festival, where the workers are required to be in character when interacting with patrons. Two women are looking around the shop while their two boys, about seven or so, are horsing around with wooden swords. Sometimes I play along with the kids, but they’re getting out of control.)

    Little Boy #1: “DIE! I’m gonna get you! I’m gonna kill you!”

    Little Boy #2: “Not if I kill you first! RAAAAAAAAAAH!”

    (The moms look a little resigned to all this and don’t say anything, but now the boys are starting to trip and hit each other so I step in and yell to be heard over them.)

    Me: “Squires! Please take the arts of war outside my shop. We are a peaceful establishment!”

    (They stop dead and look at me, dumbfounded. Then they hastily scoot outside and begin whacking each other again.)

    Mom: “Wow, can you follow us around all day? They haven’t listened to us once!”

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