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    Annual And Null

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Holidays

    (It is the Monday after Thanksgiving. A patient calls the office absolutely irate.)

    Patient: “I just wanted to tell you I was here last Thursday for my appointment and no one was at the office! What are you going to do about this?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, last Thursday was Thanksgiving.”

    Patient: “I know that! I gave up time with my family to drive all the way over there to my appointment and you couldn’t even bother to come in! How unprofessional can you be?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’ve NEVER been open on Thanksgiving. Our schedule isn’t even set up to accept appointments on that day.”

    Patient: *smugly* “Then how come I have an appointment card for [date]? Hmmm? I’m looking at it right now.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know. Let me look into this.”

    (Puts patient on hold and checks schedule. The next is said in my most sickeningly sweet voice.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you’re right. You did have an appointment on [date]—”

    Patient: “You see?! How unprofessional!”

    Me: “—last year. When we were open. The card you have is over a year old.”

    Patient: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!” *click*

    Me: *to the dead phone* “Well, maybe if you’d clean your purse out more than once a year?”

    A Catalog Of Errors

    | FL, USA | Food & Drink, Money, Technology

    (I am working a temporary account for a well known holiday gift catering service that specializes in meats and cheese. The account has ads in newspapers, and in their catalogs and website.)

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

    (The caller sounds like a woman in her late thirties.)

    Customer: “Hi, I saw you were having a special sale on a spiral cut honey glazed ham. I’d like to get one of those.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to order you one today. May I have the gift code?”

    Customer: “I don’t see a gift code. Where is it?”

    Me: “It should be in a box on the side of the page, with the gifts letter designating the code.”

    Customer: “I don’t see it? I’m scrolling up and down and don’t see any boxes.”

    (I get a sinking feeling but keep strong.)

    Me: “Oh, do you have a catalog or are you on the website? If you need assistance using the website I can help you with that as well.”

    Customer: “I’m on the website.”

    Me: “All right, then instead of looking for a gift code, all you need do is look for the button that says ‘add to c-‘”

    Customer: “I know that! What do you think I am, a moron?! I want to order items off the website, over the phone!”

    Me: “I can certainly do that for you. Now what weight spiral cut ham is it?”

    Customer: “It’s the 20-pound for $35.99.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. The only 20-pound ham we have is for $49.99.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not possible. I’m looking at it!”

    Me: “Is it a special offer?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is. That’s obviously why I want to order it!”

    (The sinking feeling kicks in all the way.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we cannot use the website specials in place of catalog specials. Website specials are for the website only.”

    Customer: “So you’re telling me that I cannot get this ham for the price that it is advertised at?! That’s false advertisement!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, you can, but you have to order it online. The systems at the call center can only process catalog specials. You can order the product online, just not through the phone.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to order it online. I want to order over the phone!”

    (At this point I’m at a loss. My manager has noticed how long the call has taken, and takes a headset to listen into the call.)

    Customer: “Here, I have a gift code, like what you asked before. Try that!”

    Me: *I try the gift code that she pulled out of thin air* “It says it is void in my system, ma’am. As I’ve explained this is only an Internet offer and—”

    Customer: “Can’t you just adjust the price of the ham on your end?! I’ve had people do that for me before!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but all catalog prices are as shown. We cannot adjust the product price.”

    Customer: “What the h*** kind of customer service is this?! I want to speak to a manager!”

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. I’ll call him right over.”

    (I mute my mic and take a moment to explain what my manager has missed on the call. My manager un-mutes his mic.)

    Manager: “Hello, my name is [Manager], supervisor for [Company]. How may I be of assistance?”

    Customer: “Your employee is refusing to give me correct price for a ham!”

    (My manager then takes another 10 or so minutes on the phone. Outside of the call, I kind of get to laugh at the trouble the woman gives him. And then on top of THAT, after he re-explains EVERYTHING I have already told the woman, she demands to speak to HIS manager. The MOD manager, a woman I’ve never even seen before, comes on to the floor and takes a mic. She looks bemused.)

    MOD Manager: “Hello I am [MOD Manager], [Manager]’s manager. How may I—”

    (The woman on the other end immediately sets off on a rant.)

    MOD Manager: “Ma’am, this is a business. You’re wasting our time. If you want an online product, order it online. Good-day.”

    (The MOD manager doesn’t wait for a reply, just hangs up on the customer and turns to us.)

    MOD Manager: “Thanks for the call. I needed a laugh.”

    Target Your Customers

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    The Order In Disorder

    | ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

    (I’m taking orders for drive-thru in a well-known Canadian fast food chain.)

    Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a large strawberry banana smoothie with no yogurt.”

    Me: “You said strawberry banana, correct?”

    (I ask this for confirmation and the man proceeds to repeat his whole order again but obviously slower than the first time.)

    Me: “And will that be everything today?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “All righty, then, your total is [total]. We’ll have that ready for you at the window.”

    (I wait a couple of seconds and hearing nothing else from the customer, as is quite common for us, I send the order to the next till. A couple seconds later the customer starts talking again.)

    Customer: “I’d also like an extra large coffee with—”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We’ll have to add the rest of your order at the window.”

    Customer: *in a whiny voice* “But I’m not done yet!”

    Me: “Sir, I just asked you if that was everything for today and you said ‘yes’. I’ve already sent the order to the next till.”

    (This was said politely and with no attitude or rudeness even close to being intended. However lo and behold, the next day I was called into the office and written up for having a “bad attitude” and “bad customer service” and now have to change my “bad attitude with customers” in two weeks or be fired. Thanks, man. Thanks.)

    Worse Than An Animal

    | Dublin, Ireland | Bad Behavior, Bigotry

    (I used work at a restaurant in a small town. It is the evening shift and a woman eating alone keeps giving me trouble.)

    Woman: “This order is not right.”

    Me: “All right, I’ll just take this and bring you out the correct one.”

    Woman: “No, I demand I get this meal and the correct one for free!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

    (She begins complaining to me every chance she got for the rest of the night. She then starts complaining about the black family eating at the table next to her.)

    Woman: “I refuse to eat next to those… animals. Their smell is appalling. They probably came to the restaurant to rob it!”

    (The racist remarks go on for a few minutes until two boys about 12 years old stand up from their table.)

    Boy#1: “Why don’t you stop being a racist cow!”

    Boy#2: “Yeah, at least those ‘animals’ know how to behave in a restaurant!”

    (The woman threw her plate on the ground stormed out of the restaurant. Everyone started applauding. The black family paid for the boys’ meal and I brought them out free ice cream.)

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