(I was in our technology support office when a housekeeping staff person, Donna, stopped by. There was no preamble to the dialog below.)

Donna: “Dr. Franklin gets e-mail in his office.”

Me: *nods*

Donna: “Alicia says she can check her e-mail in the office.”

Me: *nods*

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: “Nice.”

Donna: “Nice?”

Me: “Not nice?”

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: “I like e-mail, too.”

Donna: “You don’t have it?”

Me: “I do.”

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: *biting lower lip, uncertain what to say or do*

Donna: “I like e-mail.”

Me: *glancing at the clock on the wall*

Donna: “I like to have e-mail.”

Me: “I like having e-mail, too, and I check it all the time.”

Donna: “Can I have it? I like to have e-mail.”

Related:
The Art Of Ambiguity

(I was an 800-directory operator. We weren’t information, we just gave you 1-800 numbers.)

Caller: “Excuse me, but what state is Kentucky in?”

Me: “Well, Kentucky IS a state.”

Caller: “Yeah, but what state is it in?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not IN a state. There are 50 states, and Kentucky is one of them.”

Caller: “Well, there’s 52 states if you count Alaska and Hawaii.”

Me, sarcastically: “There’s only 52 states if you count Alaska and Hawaii TWICE. But there’s only 51 if you don’t count Kentucky.”

Caller: *click*

Grumpy Old Man: “There’s too much salt in the shakers.”

Me: “…”

G.O.M.: *picks up shaker to demonstrate*

Me: “I’m…sorry?”

G.O.M.: “THERE’S NO SHAKE ROOM!”

Me: “I’ll get right on that.”

(We get a LOT of calls like this.)

Him: “I locked myself out of my computer, and I can’t get in and I need to get in! My password doesn’t work!”

Me: “Okay, we can do a password reset for you.”

Him: “This is really important, I need to be able to log in!”

Me: “Okay, sir, no problem. Can you just verify your login ID for me?”

Him: *verifies*

Me: “Okay, great. Now can you verify that your Caps Lock is not on?”

Him: “What? That’s stupid, why would I…oh.” *silence*

Me: “Sir?”

Him: “…it just worked all of a sudden, thanks.”

Me: “…”

Related:
Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

(A customer came in, grabbed a 40 ounce bottle of beer, approached my manager and talked to him for a minute. The customer walked out and my manager came to the counter with the beer and some money. He purchased the beer, walked outside and then returned. When no one was in the store, we all turned to the manager and asked what happened.)

Manager: “Well, the customer has the money to buy the beer…but he had an issue.”

Us: “What happened?”

Manager: “He said he was coughing real hard in the cooler…and he sh*t in his pants…”

(That liquor store has never heard such laughter in the entirety of its existence.)

Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”

Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”

Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”

Lady: “It came out positive.”

Me: *confused* “Okay?”

Lady: “I can’t be pregnant, so this test MUST be defective. I want to return it.”

(For anyone who doesn’t know, it is very rare for a pregnancy test to mistake a positive pregnancy. A negative, yes, positive, no.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you can’t return a pregnancy test you’ve already used.

Lady: What do you mean I can’t return it?!? It’s wrong! I want to see your manager!”

(So I go to the back to see my manager who is a woman, and explain about the lady. We return to the front.)

Manager: “Hello, what may I help you with?”

Lady: “YES! I want to return this pregnancy test! It came out positive and I just can’t be pregnant! It’s wrong and I want my money back!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We can’t refund you on the test because it came out positive.”

Lady: “NO! I insist I get my money back!”

Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

(A customer ‘drops’ a brick, giving it a little chip. He then proceeds to join the line.)

Cashier: “Hello, sir, how can I help?”

Customer: “There’s a chip in this brick. I’d like to get a discount please.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, only cracks or serious fractures would warrant a discount on bricks. A chip won’t damage the function or stability of the brick.”

(The customer proceeds to lift up the brick and forcefully drops it on the ground.)

Customer: “Now it’s broken! Can I get a discount now?”

Cashier: “No, but you can sure as hell pay for that.”

(I used to work a fast food drive-thru window in which I met very strange and stupid people.)

Me, through the drive-thru intercom: “Hi, welcome to ***, how may I help you?”

Man, to one of his kids: “Pick something damn it! I don’t have all day for your sh*t.”

Me: “Hey ease up, would you?”

Man, speaking to me: “You little sh*t! You don’t know who you are messing with!”

(The man speeds up to my window with an angry look on his face. I look at him: a 5’5″, overweight and balding guy. Then he looks at me: 6-foot, 300 pounds of muscle, bone, and a relatively small gut. His expression softens slightly.)

Man: “…were you the one on the speaker?”

Me: “Yeah, that was me.”

Man: “How are you doing? It’s a great day today.”

Me: *big smile* “How’s the kid doing?”

Man: “Fine…you aren’t going to take my order, are you?”

Me: “Nope. My manager has the other headset and he might’ve taken your order if you didn’t piss him off. Have a nice day.”

(I worked at that place for 2 years and a month before I quit. I still have bad dreams about the place.)