Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

(Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her Magnavox TV.)

Me: “Yes, what about it?”

Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

Customer: “No lights come on, is there a battery in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

(A few minutes later, she calls back.)

Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on…hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says “Remove Before Using”? Should I take that out?”

Me: *major facepalm* “Yes ma’am. ”

Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

(Not surprisingly, the lady calls back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

We are a Specialist Inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the US$40,000 despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we were in the process of taking them to court to get payment.

They were making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I recently got a phone call from their operations manager.

Customer: “Ah, Mr. A***, we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?

Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

Customer: “Please Mr. A***, that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000 dollars. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

Me: “What about our money?”

Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

Me: “Goodbye.”

Customer: “But what ab–” *click*

Me: “What kind of computer do you have?”

Customer: “It’s a Motorola.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “I said, it’s Motorola!”

Me: “Okay…are you running Windows?”

Customer: “NO, it’s Vista.”

Me: *long pause* “Oooh-kaaayyy…….”

(I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives age etc.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Man: “Well, like for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your…Earth…information. It would be most relevant to us.”

Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

(The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name…Qinjax.)

Me: “Good afternoon, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

Me: “Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s ***. Now transfer me to the right section.”

Me: “…how may I help you?”

Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

*OH SNAP*

Me: “Alright. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Does it?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “Hotel *****, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive.”

Customer: “Oh, no, were not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter then?”

Customer: “Oh no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here.”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

Related:
Must Be From Orange County

Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.”

Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?”

Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?”

Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower.

Customer: “Which one is that?”

Me: “The big box on the ground…the thing you put CDs into.”

Customer: “Oh, okay hang on…it’s still not working.”

Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.”

Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “Pick up your keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?”

Customer: “No I just see an arrow move.”

Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.”

(Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.)

(I work as a bouncer in a bar and check all IDs at the door. Indiana IDs don’t include a middle name, just an initial.)

Me: “What’s your full name?”

Customer: “Joe D. Smith.”

Me: “What’s your middle name?”

Customer: “DANGER!”

(I let him in.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?”

Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…”

Man: “Look, I bought this camera about 6 weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Man: “So get someone who can!”

(I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.)

Manager: “Good afternoon, Sir. **** has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right, we can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.”

Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?”

Manager: “Let me ask you this–if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?”

Man: “Of course not, I’m not stupid!”

Manager: “And neither am I, Sir. Good day!”

(I work in a few different departments, so it’s not uncommon for me to see the same customer twice…)

Me: “How are you today, folks?”

Man: “We’re just fine.”

(We chat for a moment, then I walk 20 feet over to our paint counter. About 5 minutes passes and the same customer passes me.)

Man: “You know, you look like the guy that talked to us over in fitness.”

Me: *grinning* “Yes sir, that was my stunt double.”

(The man walks away with a confused look on his face.)

Coworker: “You know, you’d really blow his mind if you met him at the front door.”