• Retract The Tract
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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    The Vapor Has Parted

    | PA, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (We have a strict no smoking policy. E-cigarettes have been causing problems because they look like cigarettes from far away. We’ve been told to ask the guests to be discreet with them to prevent others thinking it’s okay to smoke but they usually get defensive and berate us anyway.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a no smoking environment. Please put that out now.”

    Woman: *immediately yelling* “This is an e-cigarette! It’s not smoke! You have no right—”

    Me: “I see. Ma’am, I still have to ask you to conceal it because it looks real and we can’t have people thinking it’s okay to smoke around the kids.”

    Woman: “It’s not smoke! It’s vapor! You can’t do this!”

    (She walks away, still yelling. A little while later she comes back.)

    Woman: “I just wanted to apologize to you. You were right. I didn’t even think about what the kids would think seeing me smoking. I’m sorry.” *she walks away*

    Me: *to my coworker* “I’m awake, right?”

    Getting Lawyered By Both Lawyers

    | VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    Caller: “Hi, I’m the plaintiff in a lawsuit against [Our Client]. My lawyers want to charge me a lot of money, so I was wondering if you would be my lawyers instead.”

    Me: “I’m… I’m sorry, are you asking us to represent you against our own client?”

    Caller: “Yeah, because then you wouldn’t have to charge me any money, right? Since you’re already getting paid to do all the work by [Our Client]?”

    Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s not how it works. At all. Second, we’d be sanctioned for ethics violations just for suggesting it.”

    Caller: “What the f***?! My lawyer was right. You guys are a bunch of a**holes.” *click*

    (Three minutes later, his lawyer calls.)

    Lawyer: “Did you just offer to represent [Caller] for free?”

    Me: “No, we turned him down because, as you apparently told him, we’re a bunch of a**-holes.”

    Lawyer: “He said what?! Hang on.” *speaking to someone else with his hand covering the phone* “[Caller], I’m resigning as your counsel. Get the f*** out of my office.” *back to me* “I’ll be in touch about this later.” *click*

    Bowl Me Over With Lies

    | IL, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

    (This is an upscale bowling alley that allows you to make lane reservations. This is probably only my second or third day working there.)

    Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling [Bowling Alley]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Can I make a reservation?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but I’m afraid we only allow online reservations.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s just our policy.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just make an exception since I already called you?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not. We aren’t allowed to manually enter reservations into our computers. But you can go to our website and set one up there. Would you like me to help you with that?”

    Customer: *says this in a completely serious tone* “Well, it just so happens that ALL of my fingers are broken! So now what?”

    Me: *completely without thinking* “How are you going to bowl?!”

    Customer: “Never mind.” *click*

    Take A Number!


    Those Very Rare Self-Aware

    | WI, USA | Awesome Customers

    (I’m acting as greeter at a small, fairly-well off restaurant, when a thunderstorm rolls in, knocking out the power and taking our computer system with it. The power comes back in a half an hour or so, but our computer system is still down, meaning that we can’t bring up our reservation list. Due to this, we just do our best to seat those people who have been waiting, and let those coming in know about the issues we are having.)

    Female Customer: “Hello, we have a reservation for two under [Name].”

    Me: “All right. Unfortunately, the storm knocked out our power, so our computers are down and we don’t have our reservation list. However, we should have a table opening up for you in about five to ten minutes.”

    Female Customer: “Five to ten minutes! We had a reservation. We slogged our way through this downpour, and now you’re telling me that…” *trails off, then steps back and looks at her husband* “Honey, I am very sorry, but I must go kill myself. I’ve become what I hate.”

    Male Customer: *nods slowly* “Yes, I noticed, but I wasn’t sure how to break it to you.”

    (They actually turned and left!)

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