July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Their Welfare Status Is Okie Dokie

| New Zealand | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Money

(I am a dental assistant at a dental surgery and move between answering phones and assisting the dentist. We have irate patients regularly, who get treatment done and then claim they weren’t told how much it was and refuse to pay, or try to get refunds on treatment already received, or try to get money refunded that was paid for by the government. This particular patient was the latter case. I have come up with a useful way to deal with these stressful phone calls.)

Me: “Good morning, [Dental Clinic]!”

Patient: “It’s [Patient]. You guys told me I’d be getting my money refunded for my dental care! I want my money back and you haven’t put it in my f****** account!”

Me: “Just give me a minute sir, while I bring up your file and have a look… Oh, I see. Yes, the money for your dental care was being refunded, but since your care was paid for by [Welfare], the money will be refunded to them.”

Patient: *suddenly polite* “Oh, no, no. [Welfare] told me that you can give it to me and then I’ll give it to them. No problem!”

Me: “I highly doubt [Welfare] would have told you that, sir. We deal with [Welfare] directly, and will refund the money straight back into their account.”

Patient: “THAT’S MY F******* MONEY! You mother-f***** con-artists better give me that money! I DESERVE THAT MONEY!”

Me: “No need to swear, sir. There is really nothing more to discuss.”

Patient: “YOU GIVE ME THAT GOD-D*** MONEY!! IF I DON’T SEE THAT MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT BY TOMORROW, I WILL COME AND SEE YOU!”

Me: “Okie dokie. That won’t be happening, sir.”

Patient: “I’M SERIOUS!  I’LL COME DOWN THERE! YOU BETTER TELL YOUR BOSS TO WATCH HIS BACK!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir.”

Patient: “I KNOW WHERE HE PARKS! I DESERVE THAT MONEY! YOU GUYS ARE RIPOFFS, F****** C****!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir.”

Patient: “F*** YOUR ‘OKIE DOKIE!’ GO TO H***!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir. I’m hanging up now. Have a nice day.”

Patient: “F*** YOU. IF YOU HANG UP I’M RINGING BACK UNTIL I SEE THAT MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT!”

Me: “Okie dokie, sir. Goodbye.”

Patient: “I SAID F*** YOUR OKIE DO—” *click*

Their Stupidity Does Not Compute

| BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

(A customer was having some issues logging into her account on our website.)

Me: “First, click on the ‘sign in’ link.”

Customer: “I don’t see it!”

Me: “There’s a white ‘sign in’ button on the top right corner of our website.”

Customer: “I’m looking, I don’t see it!” *getting very frustrated*

Me: “It’s above our logo.”

Customer: “I know. It’s not there. I don’t see it!”

Me: “Are you on [OurWebsite].com?”

Customer: “…No.”

Me: “Are you at your computer right now?”

Customer: “…No.”

Don’t Listen And Lose Out

| Canton, CT, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am working the drive-through on a late-night shift with one other manager. It’s slow, but we do get a few customers. A customer pulls up to the drive-through.)

Customer: “Hello? I’d like two [Sandwich], please, but I don’t see them on the menu.”

Manager: “Sorry about that, sir; they recently changed the name of the [Sandwich], which is probably why you didn’t see it. We still have it, it’s just called the [New Sandwich] now.”

Customer: “Oh, shoot, that’s a shame. I’ll have two [Chicken Sandwich] instead, then.”

(My manager and I share a look, and I chime in, thinking he may have misheard my manager.)

Me: “We still have the [Sandwich], sir. It has just been renamed. Same bun, same toppings, same everything, just a new name.”

Customer: “Oooooh. Darn, that’s a real shame. Guess I have to have two [Chicken Sandwich] instead, then?”

(My manager shakes his head and puts the sandwiches through, and the customer takes them and drives off.)

Manager: “You know, that would have been funny if he hadn’t been through here the last two nights, and had the exact same problem.”

Wish You Could Wash Your Hands Of This Customer

| Finland | Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

(It’s late in the evening. It’s quite busy, so we have both registers open. A middle-aged lady is next in my line.)

Customer #1: “I’d like to wash my car.”

Me: “What kind of wash would you need today?”

Customer #1: “I don’t know… What would you recommend?”

(I recommend her the basic carwash with wax, and she pays for it. I hand her the receipt with a code you need to enter in order to get into the carwash.)

Customer #1: “So, who is going to take my car to the carwash? I’ve never done it; my husband has always done it for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but at this moment there is no-one to take your car. You need to do it yourself.”

Customer #1: “But I’ve never done it before! What do I have to do?! Why can’t you do it?”

(There is a line for my register, and even a longer one for my coworker.)

Me: “I’m really sorry but there is no-one who could do it at the moment. But it’s not hard at all! You just drive to the other side of the building. There are two washing units. Just choose which ever you like. Before you drive inside, you need to turn your side mirrors and take the radio antenna off. Then just enter this code right here on the keypad, drive in, stop when the light is red and just wait until the wash is over.”

Customer #1: “But… but… Is there really no-one to do this? Oh, this is all so hard! My husband has always done this!”

Me: *giving up* “How about this? You drive to the other side of the building and I’ll come over there and show you how it’s done? I’ll just serve these customers quickly.”

Customer #1: “Oh, yes, please!”

(She leaves. I serve the other customers waiting in the line. The man who was right after the lady shouts to me from the door:)

Customer #2: “Oh, boy! The lady who you just served? She’s trying to get into the carwash from the wrong side of the building!”

(I go outside, and there she is, looking really confused.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but you need to drive to the other side of the building. Just let me first take care of those mirrors and the antenna.”

(The customer is looking even more confused as I hand her the antenna. She drives to the other side of the building and parks in front of the washing unit.)

Me: “Okay. So, could you please hand me the receipt with the code? You just enter this code on the keypad. Then you drive inside—”

Customer #1: *cuts me off* “How do I know when to stop? Oh, this is so hard!”

Me: “You stop when the light over there turns red. Then you stop your engine, put on the handbrake, and just wait. When the wash is over, the other door will open. When the light turns back to green, you can drive out. Remember to turn your mirrors back to normal position when you are done.”

Customer #1: “Oh, thank you! I’ve never done this! I hope I do everything right!”

(I watch as the customer drives in and make sure the wash starts correctly. I return to the register. About ten minutes passes, long enough for the wash to end.)

Customer #1: “Oh, I don’t know what happened to my car! I came out of the wash and now all the turn signals on my car are flashing! What did the wash do to my car!”

Me: “You must have pressed the button for emergency signal by accident. Just press the button again and it’ll be fine.”

Customer #1: “NO! I have not pressed anything! It’s the wash! It did something to my car!”

Me: “Let me come and take a look.”

(We go outside, and to no surprise, she has pressed the button. I press it again and the flashing stops.)

Customer #1: “I don’t understand! Why did it do like that?! I have not pressed any buttons!”

Me: “I don’t know. Strange. Well, it’s fixed now. Have a nice evening!”

(I went back inside and told my coworker what just happened. She was just as confused as I was.)

Not Quite The Harper Lee Classic

| Vancouver, BC, USA | Books & Reading, Funny Names, Movies & TV

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have ‘How to Kill a Mockingjay?'”

Me: *just stare at her, completely caught off-guard by her question* “Did you want ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ or ‘Mockingjay?'”

Customer: “To Kill a Mockingjay!”

Me: “Are you sure?” *I lead her over to the teen section, knowing she wants The Hunger Games book, Mockingjay*

Customer: “That’s it! Hunger Games!”

Me: *sigh*

(She didn’t end up buying it because it was in hardcover and she’d rather wait until it’s in paperback so I’m sure I’ll be asked for “To Kill a Mockingjay” again!)

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