Kid: “Mommy mommy, I want those shoes!”

Mom: “Why do you want those shoes?”

Kid: “Because everyone else is wearing them.”

Mom: “Wouldn’t you want to get something different and be more original?”

Kid: “No…then I wouldn’t be original like everyone else!”

(A customer hands me the tickets to the horror/torture movie, Hostel 2.)

Employee: “I’m sorry sir, but this movie is R-rated and I’m afraid I can’t let your child in.”

Customer, agitated: “Can’t you just let us in?”

Employee: “I’m sorry sir, but I’d lose my job if I did that. I CAN help you find another movie.”

(The customer then throws his $6 tub of popcorn in my face and all over the podium and walks off with his family. There’s good family values…)

Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!”

Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******.

(I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-”

Woman: “Did it come up?”

Me: “Yes it did.”

Woman: “What did it say?”

Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

Woman: “Oh my god!”

Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?”

Woman: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

Woman: *click*

Bored teen girl (between snapping her chewing gum): “Yeah–I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?”

Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?”

Bored teen girl: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.”

*A light goes on in my head*

Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER??”

Her: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”

(I go to a table of four, a mom and dad and two kids who are ready to order.)

Husband: “How big are your pizzas?”

Me: “They are 10 inch pizzas, sir.”

Husband: “Well how big is 10 inches?

(And before I can answer, the wife chimes in.)

Wife: “You wouldn’t know anything about 10 inches, dear.”

(I stood there for a moment with my mouth open, before I ran to the wait station and started laughing hysterically.)

Customer: “Hi. I need a threesis.”

Clerk: “A…pardon?

Customer: “You know–a threesis. It has other words that mean the same as the word you look up.”

Clerk: “Oh…do you mean a thesaurus?”

Customer: “Duh! That’s a dinosaur! I need a threesis!”

(A hospital calls to order pizza.)

Manager: “Thank you for calling *****, would you like to try the Superhero Special?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Manager: “It’s an extra large, three topping pizza that comes with a coupon for the Spiderman 3 DVD.”

Customer: “…the pizza’s delivered by Spiderman!?”

Manager: *laughs* “Only if its delivered to the psych ward, ma’am!”

Student: “So, like, um, you wrote on my paper that I wrote like, I, like spoke…but you only gave me 2 out of 10 points.

Me: “You used ‘like’ 56 times and ‘that’ 87.”

Student: “Um, why is that a problem??”

Me: “It was a 2 page writing assignment.”

Student: “So…um…since I talked with you, um…can I have some more points?”

(Woman walks in totally nude and grabs a muffin. She has a large, rather offensive tattoo from her bottom rib up her neck.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t just take those…”

Nudist: “Why, because of the tattoo?”

Me: “No, because you need to pay for it first.”

Nudist: “It’s a free country!” *walks out*

(I ended up pulling out my wallet and paying for it myself, because getting arrested for chasing a nude chick down the street is not worth it.)

(Referring to the payment terminal)

Customer: “It’s not working. Whats wrong with it?”

Me: “What does it say?”

Customer: “It says, ‘Please slide card again’.”

Me: “Well, then slide your card again.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(She slides her card. It works.)

Customer: “Hey it worked!”