Hotel Guest: “So how does parking work at the hotel?”
Me: “Oh sir, parking is complimentary anywhere on site.”
Hotel Guest: “How much does it cost?”
Me: “It’s complimentary … It’s free …”
(It must be noted the ice cream shop I worked at was in a mall, so it was pretty tiny and limited.)
Customer: “I’d like a chocolate ice cream cone please.”
Me: “Sorry, we only have vanilla.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. I’d like a chocolate ice cream then.”
Me: *stares* “We only have VANILLA. I can drip it in chocolate for you though.”
Customer: “Ugh, gross! No thanks, I’ll go try McDonald’s.”
Me: “Can I help you?”
Woman: “Yes, I’d like to buy tickets for Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party.”
Me: “Wonderful, when will you be attending?”
Woman: “Tonight.”
Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, we actually have sold out for tonight’s event.”
Woman: “Oh, okay, I’ll just get tickets when I get to the park.”
Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t have any tickets at all left. You won’t be able to purchase them at the park.”
Woman: “Right, you’re just sold out of advance tickets, that’s okay, I’ll just get them there.”
Me: “I’m so sorry ma’am, we are sold out of ALL tickets. That means there are NONE available when you get there.”
Woman: “But I can still go, right? I just won’t have a ticket?”
Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t attend Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party without a ticket, and we do not have any tickets available.”
Woman: “Fine, I’ll get my tickets when I get to the park.”
Technician: “Good morning, *** Technical Support.”
Caller: “Is this technical support?”
Technician: “Yes.”
Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”
Technician: (Confused) “What number did you phone in on?”
Caller: “Can I have your phone number please?”
Technician: (Thoroughly confused) “It’s this number, it’s the number you’ve just dialed.”
Caller: “Thank you. Goodbye.”
(I honestly can’t say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER)
Me: “Is there any chance you are pregnant?”
Patient: “No?”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Are you sexually active?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Do you still have periods?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Are you on birth control?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Do you use condoms?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”
Patient: “No.”
(Customer standing on top of an old, oak library ladder)
Bookstore Customer: “If I was your attorney, I would make you get rid of this ladder.”
Me: “If you were my attorney, I’d push you off it!”
Pizza Delivery Customer: “I want this pizza for free.”
Me: “No cash, no pizza. I don’t care if you don’t eat or not.”
Pizza Delivery Customer: “Well, I know the owner of *** Pizza!!!”
Me: “Really, how do you know me?”
(Customer puts his hand and his pocket and pays for the pizza)
(Note: I’m not really the owner of *** Pizza)
Customer at a Bookstore in Philadelphia: “I’m looking for the Boston Zagat Restaurant guide, do you have a local interest section that would have it?”
Me: “No. Boston isn’t local. The restaurant guide would be with the rest of the Boston travel books.”
Customer: “Well there aren’t any on the shelf.”
Me: “We must be out of stock. I could order it for you.”
Customer: “No. Well are there any local stores around here that would have it?”
Me: “Boston is not local. Maybe you should wait until you go to Boston and buy it there.”
Customer: “Good idea.”
Me: “Welcome to xxx Bank, what can I do for you today?”
Customer: “Do you guys sell gold here?”
Me: “Well, our Financial Advisor can take care of all your commodity trades. Let me introduce…”
Customer: “No, I mean do you SELL gold here?”
Me: “Um… what do you mean exactly?”
Customer: “Can I buy gold?”
Me: “As in… a brick of gold?”
Customer: “Yes, I want to buy a couple of bricks.”
Me: “Um… no.. I believe they stopped doing that in the 1920s.”
Customer: “Well you SHOULD!”
Me: “… Okay.”
(A lady enters the store and gives me a raincheck that expired long ago)
Me: “Um, ma’am, this raincheck expired 90 days after you received it.”
Customer: “It doesn’t say that.”
(I point to where it does, in fact, say that)
Customer: (completely seriously) “That wasn’t there before.”
(I hand the raincheck back)
Me: “Would you still like to buy this product?”
Customer: “Yes, I have this raincheck for buy one get one free.”
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