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    An Order Of Ice And Fire

    , | Hattiesburg, MS, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink

    (I am ordering food through the drive-thru:)

    Carhop: “Here’s your hot fudge sundae. Sorry, it’s a bit melted.”

    Me: “That’s fine.”

    Carhop: “And here’s your molten cake sundae. Sorry, it’s a bit melted as well.”

    Me: “Well, it’s got hot fudge.”

    Carhop: “Yeah, but people complain a lot that the ice cream doesn’t look a certain way.”

    Me: *sarcastically* “How dare you mix hot and cold because I ordered it!”

    Is That A Tumor In Your Pocket…

    | NC, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer comes in and is very concerned about the ‘tumor’ on her male dog’s stomach.)

     Me: “That’s not a tumor, ma’am. It’s called a bulbus glandus. It just means he’s, um, really happy to see you.”

    Two Thumbs Up

    | Houston, TX, USA | Awesome Customers

    (I have gone to the DMV to get a Texas driver’s license. They have an electronic fingerprinting machine that has a digital display to tell you what fingers go where and when. The woman helping me and I have the following conversation:)

    Employee: “Please put your four left fingers on the screen.”

    (I do so, and while she’s typing, the digital display changes to show me what fingers to use next. I move my fingers to mirror the display.)

    Employee: “But— what? Did you just change that on your own?”

    Me: “Yes? The pictures changed to the next step.”

    Employee: “But people never follow the directions. They never do it on their own.”

    (Then, after she takes my picture:)

    Employee: “Here, you can see what your picture is going to look like, since you can follow directions. Let me know if you want me to retake it.”

    (Best DMV experience ever!)

    Like A Dog With A Bone About Your Dog

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (My dog and I are at a popular pet store where we are regular customers. I am pushing around a cart with my dog in it. He is very friendly and greets anybody who walks by.)

    Customer: “Aw, what cute dog!”

    (The customer pets him. She stops and looks into my cart to see a leash.)

    Customer: “What the h***?!” *picks up and waves it on my face* “You are a animal abuser! Dogs should be running free!”

    Me: “What? No! I am doing this for his safety. He gets out of my yard and chases after cars!”

    Customer: *grabs my dog* “I am calling the police!”

    Me: “No! Give me my dog back!”

    (An employee runs over.)

    Employee: “Miss! I am going to have to ask you to give the dog back.”

    Customer: *holding my dog tightly, while he is fighting to get out of her arms* “No! He is being abused!”

    Employee: “I assure you, that dog is not abused. I am going to call the police if you don’t let go of him.”

    Customer: “Fine!” *throws my dog on the ground and runs out of the store*

    (Luckily my dog was okay!)

    Not In Good (Insurance) Company

    | Perth, WA, Australia | Extra Stupid, Transportation

    (I work on the front desk at a repair shop. A client calls us back; they called earlier and spoke with someone else.)

    Client: “I need you to tell me who my insurance is.”

    Me: “…Pardon?”

    Client: “I called before and you told me that I needed to find out who insured my car, so tell me who insures my car!”

    Me: “Er, sorry, I wouldn’t know that. You need to know who your insurance is with.”

    Client: “Well, I don’t know who my insurance is! Find out for me!”

    Me: “I can’t do that. There’s more than two dozen insurance companies in the immediate area alone. Do you have any documents about your insurance? An insurance policy? An invoice?”

    Client: “This is bullshit! I pay $1000 a month to be insured, and you don’t even know who it is?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but we aren’t your insurance company. We fix cars. We don’t know who your insurance company is.”

    Client: “WHY NOT?!”

    Me: “Because we aren’t your insurance company, we haven’t ensured your car, and you have never dealt with us before. There is no way for us to know where your car is insured.”

    Client: “When I bought this car, I spent a lot of money on getting this protection pack and I was promised [Insurance Company]‘s extended protection and—”

    Me: “Excuse me—”

    Client: “I’m not finished!”

    (Cue a five minute long rant about how he spent so much money on his car, during which he mentions the insurance company’s name no less than four times.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir. But did you say that you have [Insurance Company]‘s protection?

    Client: “YES!”

    Me: “So, you mean [Insurance Company] is your insurance company?”

    Client: “How should I know?!”

    Me: “Okay, well, if you have [Insurance Company]‘s cover, then that is your insurance company.”

    Client: “God, was that so f***ing hard?!”


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