I am a manager making my way between departments in our department store. A customer stops me and pulls me aside.

Customer: “Could you please tell me why you’re allowing [N-words] to be parading around the store with their pants down?”

Me: “Sir, your word choice is beyond unacceptable.”

Customer: “Calm down! I wasn’t saying it to them! But aren’t you going to do anything? We can all see their underwear!” 

Me: “I’m not the customer dress code police, and I don’t intend to start being one.”

Old Man: “Why do you hate your own race?”

Well, that came out of nowhere! I stare directly at the customer and make intense eye contact.

Me: “No, it’s race-ists. I hate racists!”

Old Man: *Pauses* “This whole country is becoming a joke!” *Power-walks away*

CONTENT WARNING: Gross

I am a relatively new air steward, and I have just finished responding to a customer who has been abusing the call button.

Me: “The guy in 45A has had about four gin and tonics. I think I’m going to cut him off as he’s looking a little woozy. I don’t think I could handle it if he threw up.” 

Coworker #1: “Oh, a little vomit is nothing. We get that all the time.” 

Me: “Oh, I know, they drill that into you in training, but I don’t want to contribute to it if I can help it.” 

Coworker #1: “One time, we had this guy who took a s*** in one of the sick bags so that he didn’t have to go down to the bathroom. We couldn’t find what was causing the smell and even almost considered landing the plane early as it got so bad, but the pilot noted that we were less than an hour from the destination, and landing, unboarding, and all would take longer, so we had to endure it.”

Coworker #2: “I remember that flight! We found the bag after everyone got up and left. There was some splatter on the seat, floor, and wall, too. We had to use a different plane and hazmat that one.”

Another coworker, who has been silently mixing a drink in the corner, joins in.

Coworker #3: “Oh, that’s nothing. I once had to stop one of our passengers from breastfeeding her cat.”

My eyes go wide.

Coworker #3: “I mean, I know they like milk and everything… but… yeah… That image stays with you…” 

Coworker #1: “Anyway, welcome to the airline industry!”

Our store has just fully reopened after lockdowns, but management is mandating that customers be vaccinated. Of course, this goes down with certain groups of the population about as well as can be expected.

Customer: “You can’t force me to take a vaccine!” 

Manager: “No one is forcing you, ma’am, but we also don’t have to let you into the store.”

Customer: “It’s my right as an American to go where I please without being forced to be vaccinated!”

Manager: “This store is private property, ma’am, and we can exercise our right to deny you entry.”

Customer: “Freedom has been a right in this country since 1776! Vaccinations are an attack on those freedoms! George Washington is turning in his grave right now!”

Manager: “George Washington made Congress force all his troops in the Revolutionary War to be inoculated against smallpox, ma’am. Please try again.”

I used to manage a pizza chain. Every Friday night, this lady would call and claim that her pizzas had been an hour late and demand a free pizza. The last time she did it, she caught me on the day when my girlfriend had broken up with me out of the blue.

I was already pissed off and hurt, so when the order girl up front yelled back that it was the scammer again, I grinned and said to put her on hold. I got this.

Scammer: “Is this the manager? My pizza—”

Using the caller ID, I pulled up her name, address, and order history and then interrupted her.

Me: “Yes, this is the manager — the same manager you call every Friday at 7:00 pm to complain and get a free pizza. Well, that’s not happening. Your name has now been changed to ‘SCAMMER’. You are no longer allowed to shop with us. The phone number for [Other Pizza Chain] one block from you is [phone number]. I’m sure they will gladly take your call.”

Then, I hung up.

Not two minutes later, I heard my order girl gasp and start crying, so I went out and took the phone from her. It was the scammer, and she was SCREAMING obscenities at this poor girl. So, I hung up and waited for the inevitable callback.

Sure enough, two minutes later, she called back, and I answered the phone. She started screaming that she wanted the manager. I said I was the manager. She cursed at me and I hung up again.

She called AGAIN, and I answered, leading with:

Me: “This is the manager speaking. Curse at me again, and you will hear dial tone again. How can I help you?”

She started berating me for my horrible employees and my horrible attitude.

Scammer: “I’m going to get you fired! My brother is the district manager! But it can all go away if you just deliver my pizza!”

Me: “Tell [District Manager] that [My Name] at [Location] said you’re a b**** and will never be served by us again!”

Oh, boy, did she get mad. Among other things, she said:

Scammer: “My husband is going to kick your a**!”

Me: “You’re in luck: you know where I am, and I’m the only guy on tonight, so it won’t be hard to find me.”

Roughly twenty minutes later, a man and woman came in. The woman was livid, and the man was pacing the lobby, all jacked up on adrenaline, ready to fight.

I was sitting behind the counter, and I smiled really big.

Me: “How can I help you?”

Scammer: “ARE YOU THE MANAGER?!”

Me: “Why, yes, ma’am. I am.”

Scammer: “[Husband], you’d better kick this motherf*****’s a**!”

Her husband came marching around the counter.

At that point, I got up — all 6’5″, 245 pounds of me — and looked straight down at this five-foot-nothing guy. He immediately turned around, went back to his wife, and started yelling at her.

Husband: “You said I had to beat down some dude! You ain’t say s*** about beating down a g**d***ed SASQUATCH! WE ARE LEAVING!”

That was the last I ever saw or heard of that woman. It was a great night.

Client: “I am not happy with your work. I turned down another quote to work with you, so I want more out of you.”

Me: “What did the other people quote you?”

Client: “I’ll email it to you.”

Within a minute, the forwarded email arrives in my inbox.

Me: “They quoted you twice my rate for half my work.”

Client: “Which is unacceptable! We need to revisit your output.”

Me: “And my quote.”

Client: “Exactly!”

The client didn’t exactly understand what I meant by that until he saw my quote rise with his heightened output expectations.