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    Children Don’t Count And Adults Can’t Count

    | Anaheim, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

    (I work as a lead host in a well known restaurant, in a well known, famous, and popular vacation resort area. People come here with their families a lot.)

    Me: “Hello! Welcome to [Restaurant]. How many are in your party today?

    Guest: Oh, I need six and three-high chairs.”

    (I’m extremely used to guests giving us their party total like this that I automatically total their party size for them.)

    Me: “So nine total?”

    Guest: “No, six and three high chairs.”

    Me: “Yes… so… nine bodies total.”

    Guest: “Well, sorta. I mean there’s six of us and maybe like three halves…”

    Me: “Uh… okay, nine total people.”

    Guest: “Well, the three are children.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I understand. However, because they require their own seat and take up seating space, I need to count them as well. So it’ll be a total of nine.”

    (Normally, most guests understand this and agree with and move on so we can get them seated but for some odd reason, this guest did not seem to understand what I was trying to explain to her. She stared at me while I type down her information into our system.)

    Guest: “No, hold on. I told you, I need six seats… and three high chairs.”

    Me: “Right… and those high chairs take up space, so it’ll technically be nine seats total, but three of those nine are going to be high chairs and not regular chairs.”

    Guest: “No! I need six seats and three high chairs! What part of that do you not understand.”

    Me: “No, I understand, ma’am.”

    Guest: “SO JUST GET ME A TABLE!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Guest: “Gosh, how can you be so stupid!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Guest: “They should fire you for not being able to do basic math.”

    (My manager overhears this exchange between the guest and I and immediately steps into the conversation. She asks what was the problem and begin to take down her information into our system, personally. My manager then asked her how many people were in her party.)

    Guest: “I need six and three high chairs.”

    Manager: “Great! So nine total.”

    Guest: “No. Six. And Three. High. Chairs.”

    Manager: “Right. Nine total.”

    Guest: “OH, MY GOD! I JUST NEED A TABLE THAT WILL FIT SIX PEOPLE AND THREE KIDS! AND THOSE THREE KIDS NEED HIGH CHAIRS! HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND?!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, we count your children as people as well and since they require their own seats, though the seats might be in the form of a high chair, they are included in the party size as well. Do not worry; I will get you the proper table size.”

    Guest: “How do they count as people? They are like… halves of a person!”

    (My manager at this point is obviously fed up with the guests who cannot understand what we both tried to explain to her. So she takes off her glasses, look at the guest straight in the eyes with the most serious face on.)

    Manager: “So which half did you bring of your children? The upper part of the torso? Or the lower part? How do you even decide?”

    Guest: “YOU KNOW WHAT?! FORGET IT! I cannot believe they hire a group of people who cannot do math! No wonder why you are all stuck working here! GO BACK TO SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU ALL OBVIOUSLY NEED IT!”

    (The guest gathers her family and storms out of the restaurant. As they leave, the little girl in the party comes walking up to me and my manager, who are simply just staring at the woman who was forcing her family to leave.)

    Little Girl: “Sorry… my mom is crazy.”

    No Longer Feeling Sunny Side Up

    | Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I am taking out food to customers I haven’t yet served, and am putting down the final meal.)

    Me: “Okay, I have the fried eggs with bacon here?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, that’s not what I wanted. You’ll have to take it back; I wanted the eggs cooked on both sides.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I’ll go and get these redone.”

    (I go back to kitchen, reorder the eggs and double check the docket. It has fried ordered, not easy-over as requested.)

    Me: *taking new serving back* “Sorry about that. The docket had fried down so your waitress must have misheard.”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I said fried, but I wanted them easy over; she should’ve known that.”

    Flogging A Dead Animal

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (As one of the eight fast-food restaurants that is within walking distance to the three college campuses in our town, our joint gets it’s fair share of college kids. And idiots. We are extremely busy on Thanksgiving when this happens.)

    Me: *answering the phone as I take a guest’s money* “Happy Thanksgiving! How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I want to file a complaint.”

    Me: “Oh. Well, sir, our manager is really busy right now making food; can I help you, instead?”

    Caller: “I came into your restaurant earlier today, and I got a [Burger] sandwich. I took it home, and tried to eat it, but my dog took it from me, and now he’s dead.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “Well?! I want something done!”

    (At this point, I hear sniggering in the background, and realize that this is another prank-call. I fake a laugh, and hang up the phone, getting back to work with our huge queue. Minutes later, the phone rings again.)

    Me: “Happy Thanksgiving! How can I help you?”

    Same Caller: “Yeah, I have to file a complaint. I came into your store earlier, and I ordered a [Burger] for my cat. When I got home and fed it to her, she died! How are you going to fix this?”

    Me: “I’ll get a manager, sir.”

    (I hang up the phone instead, and tend to people who are actually PAYING for my attentions. When the phone rings again, and I recognize the number, I ask my manager if I can take the call at the counter instead, just so I can stop running around.)

    Caller: “I’m calling to report—”

    Me: “Sir, are you calling to report that one of our [Burger]s killed a beloved family animal?”

    Same Caller: “Yes. That is exactly why I am calling!”

    Me: “Sir, I am so, SO sorry about that. We’ve gotten a lot of calls today about our deadly sandwich, and obviously, that can’t continue.”

    Same Caller: “I know. It SUCKS!”

    Me: “Sir, please accept our fullest apologies for the agony we have put you through in this mourning. We are prepared to make amends. Do you still have the receipt for the purchase?”

    Same Caller: *obviously a little confused by the change in conversation* “Uh… no.”

    Me: *cheerily* “Oh, well, that’s okay! You don’t need to have proof of purchase. Tell me, do you still have the bag from your sandwich?”

    Same Caller: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Good. Now, sir, is the body of the animal nearby?”

    Same Caller: “Yes, it’s over there.”

    Me: *grinning* “Then sir, I have excellent news! We will be able to help you today! If you can just take the carcass of your deceased pet, pick it up, and place it in the bag, we will be able to accept it as currency at this time.”

    (My manager is giving me the death glare, but several of my guests on counter are laughing, so I continue.)

    Same Caller: “WHAT?”

    Me: “Well, sir, you don’t have a receipt, and we can’t in all good conscience allow you to be miserable over this. So, just this once, if you will bring in the body of your deceased, we will accept it in the form of a receipt, and give you a free [Burger] with our condolences. We hope to see you soon!”

    (The guest hung up. My manager, though laughing, told me never to do it again. Needless to say, the jerk didn’t show up.)

    The Unknowable Sale

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bizarre

    Lady: *looking at nothing in particular* “Is this for sale?”

    Me: “Is what for sale?”

    Lady: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Then I don’t know either.”

    Doesn’t Understand The Custom Part Of Customer, Part 3

    | TN, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work at a mattress retailer.)

    Customer: “I want to see your [price] queen set.”

    Me: “Okay, right this way.”

    Customer: “Yes, that looks just like the one I bought at [Competitor] for [price $50 higher]. Do you guys have a price match policy?”

    Me: “Yes, if you find the same product cheaper somewhere else we’ll match it.”

    Customer: “Well, then, I want my $50 refund.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Under your guarantee, you have to refund me my $50!

    Me: “But… didn’t you just say that you got it for $50 higher than our price at [Competitor]?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “So, you want us to refund you the $50 despite the fact that our price is lower, and you have never purchased anything from us.”

    Customer: “Yes! How hard is this to understand? That’s what a price match guarantee is!”

    Me: “Uh… I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t refund you money you never spent, plus the price match only applies if you buy the product from us and then find it cheaper somewhere else.”

    Customer: “Don’t try and confuse me! You have to give me $50. It’s in writing and I’ll sue you for false advertising if you don’t! You’ll be fired!”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, but what you need to do is go to [Competitor] and enquire about their price match guarantee. If you want to return your product there, I would be happy to sell you this one for [price].”

    Customer: “I can’t believe your lack of customer service! I’m never shopping here again!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you have yet to purchase anything from us in the first place.”

    Customer: “Well, I never!”

    (She stormed out of the store. I have no idea if she got her $50, but good riddance!)

    Related:
    Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer, Part 2
    Doesn’t Understand The ‘Custom’ Part Of Customer

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