Me: “Hi there, how are you today?”

Customer: “A medium popcorn.”

(A customer is buying a stamp for a letter shortly after the 2007 price increase.)

Customer: “Why can’t I get a 39 cent stamp? You still have them.”

Me: “We still have them in stock, but we have to make up the difference with 2 cent stamps. Don’t worry, we’ll stick the right amount on for you.”

Customer: “I just want a 39 cent stamp.”

Me: “Okay, but your letter will not get there.”

Customer: “Just give me it!”

(The customer takes the stamp, affixes it, and tosses the letter into the slot. I promptly pick up the letter from the bin and stamp it “Insufficient Postage, Return To Sender”.)

(I overheard a coworker trying to help someone choose a plant.)

Coworker: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a nice plant for the front of my house.”

Coworker: “Alright, we have a number of excellent options to choose from. What kind of sun exposure does the spot get?”

Customer: “Well… it’s light all day, then dark at night.”

Me: *losing hope*

Related:
There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People

(My mother is a hostess in a Chinese buffet restaurant. Said restaurant only has Chinese employees. A woman with a fully stacked plate angrily approaches her.)

Woman: “Excuse me! There’s a hair in my food! You have to give this meal to me for free!”

(My mother looks at the woman’s plate, and what does she find? A single long blonde hair, neatly laid on top of her plate.)

Related:
How To Scam A Scammer, Part 5
How To Scam A Scammer, Part 4
How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

Me: “Tall latte on the bar.”

(The latte does not get claimed.)

Me: “We’ve got a tall latte up here, ready for pickup.”

(The latte still does not get claimed. We make drinks for a few other customers, giving it a few more minutes.)

Me: “Okay, last call for a tall latte, if nobody claims it we’re pitching it.”

(The latte once against does not get claimed.)

Me: “Okay then…”

(I pour the drink down the sink.)

Me, to a coworker: “I bet that in less than 30 seconds, we’ll get someone asking about a tall latte.”

Woman, exactly 0.0001 seconds later: “Hi, was there a tall latte?”

(I worked at a candy store in an area with a high population of tourists. We have a DVD constantly playing that shows them how the candy is made, obviously pre-recorded.)

Tourist Lady: “Ooh, is that the actual factory?”

Boss: “Actually, it’s a live satellite feed. They’re making that candy right now.”

Tourist Lady: “Fancy!”

(This is a DVD movie with edits and transitions, clearly playing on a Samsung DVD player. Oh, tourists, how I loathe thee.)

(There is an incredibly long line in the store. A man who had recently gotten his order filled cuts to the front of the line and slams his sandwich on the counter.)

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong with you people… you don’t know how to make a sandwich! The people who worked here before knew how to make sandwiches!”

Me: “Um… excuse me?”

Customer: “The OTHER people always SQUISHED the sandwiches.”

(He holds up his sandwich.)

Customer: “LOOK AT THIS! How am I supposed to fit this in my mouth?”

Me: “Umm… wouldn’t it be just as easy if you–”

Customer: “NO! FIX IT!”

Me: “Okay…”

(I flatten the sandwich slightly.)

Me: “How’s that?”

Customer: “SQUISH IT!”

(I manage to smash the sandwich down to about a half an inch thick.)

Me: “Better?”

Customer: *takes the sandwich* “Well I guess you CAN learn.”

Customer: “This electronic key does not work in my car.”

Me: “Does it turn in the ignition?”

Customer: “Yes, but it will not start.”

(I put the original and copy key in my magic decoder box and they check out fine.)

Me: “Well, let me have a look… where is your car?”

Customer: “At home.”

Me: “Well, you have to drive it here.”

Customer: “But the key does not work.”

Me: “Use your original key.”

Customer: “That does not work either.”

Me: “Okay, let me explain how this works. I make a copy of your key. If your key does not work, then the new key will not work either.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Let me put it like this. If you copy a paper with misspelled words the copier will not correct the spelling, because it’s a copy! What happens when you try the key?”

Customer: “The dash says ‘Code not found’.”

Me: “Well, then the problem is the car, not the key. It is not reading the code on the key.”

Customer: “So make me another.”

Me: “The problem is the car. Are you going to pay when the next one does not work?”

Customer: “No, I’m not going to pay for a key that does not work!”

Me: “So you want me to keep making keys for you until one works or I run out of them. But you will not pay for any of the keys that do not work even though the problem is your car, not the key.”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just not that stupid.”

Related:
Mission, Impossible

(I work at a fast food restaurant and was taking money. My co-worker was taking drive-thru orders right beside me.)

Coworker: “Hi there, welcome to ***. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Give me one ranch wrap. That’s all.”

Coworker: “Would you like your wrap crispy or grill?”

Customer: “No, I want it ranch.”

Coworker: “Yes, but would you like the chicken crispy or grilled?”

Customer: “RANCH!”

Coworker: “CRISPY OR GRILLED?”

Customer: “LISTEN TO ME, YOU LITTLE SH–oh, um, crispy…”

(I was working for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak English clearly, but it’s my second language.)

Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

Me:  ”I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might ordered them?”

Lady:  ”No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

Me:  ”How old is your nephew?”

Lady:  ”He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount.”

Me:  ”Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

Lady:  ”I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

Me:  ”I understand your frustration, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… you have a really thick accent!”

Me: “I apologize, I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time.”

Lady: “What? You need to learn English before you get on the phones, I can’t understand a word you said!”

Me: “Okay… so would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU…”

Me:  ”Oh, so now you understand my English.  Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

Lady:  ”Let me speak to a supervisor!”

Related:
A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis