(A customer walks up to the box office, obviously very angry. She throws a newspaper down onto the counter.)

Customer: “Sir, these show times are wrong.”

Me: “Ma’am, those are yesterday’s show times.”

Customer: *smugly* “Well, why are they in today’s paper?”

Me: “That’s yesterday’s paper.”

Customer: “Oh… well, they’re still wrong!”

Me: “…”

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Can I get a 16 oz. coffee in a 12 oz. cup?”

Me: “No. We can’t do that here.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? They do this for me every time I come here!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s no way we can put 16 oz. of coffee in a 12 oz. cup.”

Customer: “Yes you can! You’ve always done it!”

(The customer’s friend was standing next to her at the time.)

Customer’s friend: “Um, I think you meant a 12 oz. coffee in a 16 oz. cup.”

Customer: “… ooooh. Yeah, that’s what I meant!”

Me: *facepalm*

Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is Karen.”

(The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48 inch dick.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I mean DECK!!”

(It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)

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(Our store was pretty dead on this night; no one came in for at least half an hour before closing, but like good employees we kept the doors unlocked until our registers read 8 o’clock on the dot. I lock the doors, and five minutes later, a woman walks up to the door.)

Customer: *pulls on door, notices it’s locked, pulls harder*

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed. But we’ll be open at nine tomorrow.”

Customer: “What the h***?”

Me: “Ma’am, we closed five minutes ago. I’m sorry, but our hours are posted.”

Customer: “This is insane, it’s 7:59! You shouldn’t lock the doors so early.”

Me: “Our registers show that it’s 8:07–” (I look at my watch and my cell phone) “–and I’ve got 8:08. I’m sorry, we open at nine tomorrow.”

Customer: “I just need a few things! It won’t take long.”

Me: “Our registers are closed, so there’s no money in them. You can come back tomorrow at nine. Even if it was 7:59, it takes more than one minute to shop and check out.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I just need a few things.”

Me: “Fine.”

(I unlock the doors to let her in; my coworker finishes closing the registers. The woman runs around the store for ten minutes, grabbing several things that probably could have waited until morning, and plops them down on the register.)

Coworker: *smiles* “Did you find everything you needed?”

Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, our registers have been closed for 20 minutes and I can’t ring the sale after hours. Would you like me to hold it for you until tomorrow?”

(The customer’s jaw drops. I go to hold the door open for her.)

Me: “We open at nine.”

(Coworker and I high-five.)

Me: “411 Information.”

Customer: “Wait a minute…”

*papers rustling around*

Customer: “I thought I had that here…”

*long pause, more rustling*

Customer: “Just a sec…”

*several seconds of silence*

Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”

*hangs up*

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Woman: “Oh, when is your baby due?”

Me: “I’m not pregnant, ma’am, just fat.”

Woman: “That’s very rude, you know. Pretending to be pregnant just so people can be nice to you!”

Me: *gritting teeth* “I am not pretending anything, ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”

Woman: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”

Me: “Thank you ma’am, and have a nice day.”

Woman: “LIAR!”

(My boss spent 35 years in the Army, and it shows.  He is famous for quoting motivational posters.)

Boss, to camper: “I understand your concern, ma’am, but sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk.”

Camper: “I just wanted to transfer campsites.”

Boss: “Understood.  But sometimes it takes a village, right?”

Camper, to me: “Can I speak with someone who isn’t on crack?”

(A customer comes to the counter to borrow a DVD, I go into the back and get the one he wants, and all seems normal…)

Me: “May I have your card?”

Customer: *presents a bank card*

Me:  ”I mean your library card.”

Customer: “You mean I can’t buy it?”

Me:  ”No, you can only borrow from a library.  You can buy DVDs in the shop around the corner.

Customer:  ”Oh…. so I can’t buy it here? I have to borrow it?”

Me:  ”Yep.”

Customer: “I wanted to buy it.”

Me: “You can only buy it from shops.  Are you a member of the
library?

Customer: “No, I wanted to buy this DVD.”

Me: “You can’t buy things here, you can only borrow things when you’re a member.”

(By this point there is quite a long queue behind him, so I ring the bell for assistance.)

Customer:  ”What’s that bell for? Is it for getting a copy I can buy?”

Me:  ”No, it’s to get assistance for the other readers.  If you’d like to buy a DVD, I’d strongly suggest you go elsewhere. ”

Customer: “So I can’t buy it?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: *pauses* “Oh… I wanted to buy it.”  (After one more pause, he finally leaves.)

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I Think She Wants A Discount

Customer: “I want the Cheesecake Sandwich with provolone, double meat and extra veggies.”

Me: “The Cheesesteak already comes with double meat. It will be a few extra dollars if I add more. We don’t have provolone, what cheese would you like instead?”

Customer: “You’re kidding, right? I’m not paying $10 for a sandwich! And without provolone! Just give me the extra meat, you don’t have to weigh it exactly. No one will know!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

(I weigh the meat to the correct portion and put it on the sandwich.)

Customer: “That’s too much meat! What are you doing?”

Me: “Actually, this is the correct portion. Would you like me to take some off?

Customer: “Only if you lower the price. I said add more meat, so ADD it! And why don’t you have provolone? ***’s has it… and where are the veggies?”

Me: “It typically doesn’t come with them, but I can add tomato, onions, lettuce, olives or mushrooms.”

Customer: “I can only pick ONE?”

Me: “No… any or all of them.”

Customer: “All of those are gross! God, who would eat that?”

Me: “… so no veggies?”

Customer: “Are they free?”

Me: “Yes…”

Customer: “Put them all on, and I’ll just pick off whatever I don’t like.”

Me: “Okay, thank you…” *smiling, thinking it’s over*

(After I finish the sub, the customer argues with the cashier over the price of the sub, demanding a discount.)

Customer: “This place is so expensive and I can’t even get provolone! The veggies are all mixed together! This isn’t like *** at all! I didn’t even want half of them! Where is your manager?”

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “You again!”

(The customer makes a pissed off face, and then opens the sub. They start picking it apart on the counter.)

Customer: “Your cashier is trying to ring me up, but that’s not the price! Refund me or I’m never coming here again!”

Me: “Actually, I just made that for you. You didn’t want the meat removed, so it is that price. I can remake it if you’d like, with less meat. Or would you still like a refund?”

Customer: “Never mind!” *throws sub in trash and leaves without paying*

(Just… wow.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *****. What is the issue you’re calling about?”

Customer: “I can’t get wi-fi on my phone!!!”

Me: “Okay, what does the phone say when you try to connect?”

Customer: “It asks me for a password, but I don’t know the password!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s the password you set when you first got your router.”

Customer: “Router? What the heck is a router?”

Me: “It’s the little box you have connected to your internet to enable wi-fi.”

Customer: “Why the heck would I have internet? I don’t even own a computer!”

Me: *sigh*

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