Customer: “I want a coffee.”

Me: “What sort of coffee can I get for you, sir?”

Customer: “Just black coffee.”

Me: “Would you like drip coffee or an Americano, sir?”

Customer: “Don’t make it so BLOODY COMPLICATED, just get me a coffee! And don’t try to sell me them fancy things like sprinkles, neither!”

(My coworker and I stifle our laughter as I silently ring up the largest size of the most expensive ‘black’ coffee.)

Customer: “That’s better. No more of your lip!”

Coworker: *laughs out loud*

(I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

Me: “No…?”

(I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until 10 minutes later.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Wireless. May I have the 10 digit number you’re calling about today?”

Customer: “Yes, can you spell thousand for me?”

Me: “… excuse me?”

Customer: “Can you spell thousand?”

Me: “Um, sure. T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

Customer: “T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

Me: “Yes that’s correct…”

Customer: “Okay, thank you. Can you spell fifteen?”

Me: “Um, excuse me–”

Customer: “Can you spell fifteen?”

Me: “F-I-F-T-E-E-N.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you!” *click*

Me: ???

Me: “Hi, can I help with anything?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a good book.”

Me: “Do you have any specific genre or subject in mind?”

Customer: “Yes, a good one… one that I’ll like.”

Me: “Um, you’ll have to be a bit more specific. I don’t really know what you like. Science fiction, thriller, fantasy, horror, that sort of thing?”

Customer: “Well, don’t you know any good books?”

Me: “I haven’t actually read them all, but–”

Customer: “You haven’t? What kind of librarian are you? Isn’t there anyone here who can help me?”

Me: “This one–” *holding up a book* “–is pretty popular at the mo–”

Customer: “How do you know I’ll like it?! You can’t know that. I want a book that I’ll like.”

(I get frustrated and just grab a random book that was recently turned in.)

Me: “Here, you’ll love this one!”

(Unfortunately, she did like it, and told my boss to thank me for my great suggestion. Darn.)

(We were trying to troubleshoot a printer than quit working…)

Coworker: “… go ahead and click on the printer and faxes icon.”

Customer: “It’s not opening.”

(My coworker tries it himself, and waits nearly 40 minutes for a window to pop up: it eventually shows 70,916 documents in the queue!)

(Note: I’m the manager at a video rental store, and the owner happens to be there with me.)

Customer: “I’d like to open an account.”

Me: “Okay, to open a membership we need a California issued I.D and a major credit card.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “The credit card.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t open the account.”

Customer: “Oh, I talked to the manager last week. He said it was alright if i didn’t have a credit card.”

Me: “Oh really? I don’t recall telling anybody that last week.”

Customer: *nervously* “… then it was the owner who told me that.”

Me: “I don’t think he would say that.”

Customer: “Yeah he did. He said it was fine. Just make me the d*** membership! The owner said it was fine.”

Me: “Okay…” *I turn to the owner*

Me, to the owner: “Hey, did you tell anyone last week that they could make a new account without a credit card?”

Owner: “No, I never said that ever.”

Customer: *walks away with his head down*

Related:
Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 2
Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

(This is one of those chains that does gunned ear piercings. Gun piercings have MANY risks–embedding being one of them. A customer walks in with two children, ages 4 and 7.)

Customer: “The stone fell out of her earring. Can you put a new one in?”

Me: *examines ear* “Ma’am, the earring is embedded in your daughter’s ear. You need to go to the doctor. I can’t help you.”

Customer: “No, stone fall out of earring, we just need new one.”

Me: “No, ma’am. You see, putting the back on too tight like this pulls the front of the earring INTO the earlobe and it becomes stuck.”

Customer: “Okay, you take out.”

Me: “You aren’t getting it…it is stuck inside her ear. A doctor needs to cut her ear open with a scalpel and retrieve the earring.”

Customer: *freaks out and starts stringing expletives together*

(I retrieve her waiver to show her where she signed in FOUR places stating she understood the risks associated with the procedure.)

Me: “See? You signed here explaining you understood the risks and aftercare.”

Customer: “There was a line, I no read dis! Nobody read dis!”

Me: “Well, if you had taken the time to read you would have seen that this can be dangerous. A responsible parent puts more effort into their child’s safety and well being.”

(Needless to say she threatened my life, swore like a sailor in front of my customers, was chased by security and provided them a false name. I took her to court… and she lost.)

Me: “Sporting Goods, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a tennis racquet. The one I have is the wrong one.”

Me: ”What kind of tennis racquet are you looking for?”

Customer: ”I’m a lefty. I need a left-handed tennis racquet.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Hello? Are you still there? Do you have any left-handed tennis racquets?”

Me: ”Ma’am, just put the one you have in your left hand. It’s now a left-handed tennis racquet.”

Customer: “Oooh! I’m going to kill my husband!” *hangs up*

(I work at the drive-thru of a certain fast food restaurant that has milkshakes that come with these massive tube straws, roughly the width of a nickel, and bright blue.)

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah. You’ve got those blue straws, right?”

Me: “Yeah, we do. They come with our Sundae Shakes.”

Customer: “Cool. Gimme two. Don’t forget the straws!”

Me: “Okay….”

(I tell him the total and ask him to pull up…)

Customer: “You sure these come with those blue straws?”

Me: “Yes, they do…” *hands him his change*

Customer, to his girlfriend: “Blue turns me on…”

(I grab the straws and hand them out the window. After they pulled away, I burst out laughing for a good five minutes.)

(A customer comes in, spends 30 minutes browsing games, then proceeds to talk to me for another 45 minutes about whatever. I hint several times for him to leave the store.)

Customer: “Puzzle games are hard… I enjoy Halo way more. Why do you think people want to play puzzles anyways? And what’s with the word anyways? Z’s suck.”

Me: “Just a second.”

(At this time, I decide to try something desperate: I go to the computer on the counter and look up “puzzle” on wikipedia.)

Me: “A puzzle is a problem or enigma that challenges ingenuity. In a basic puzzle one is intended to piece together objects in a logical way in order to come up with the desired shape, picture or solution. Puzzles are–”

Customer: “Okay, I get it.”

Me: “–often contrived as a form of entertainment, but they can also stem from serious mathematical or logistical problems–”

Customer: “Please stop.”

Me: “–in such cases, their successful resolution can be a significant contribution to mathematical resear–”

Customer: “Stop it, you a**. I get it.”

Me: “–ch. Solutions to puzzles may require recognizing patterns and creating a particular order. People with a high inductive reasoning aptitude may be better at solving these–”

Customer: “STOP IT, F*** WHY DON’T YOU F***ING STOP? WHY!?”

Me: “–puzzles than others. Puzzles based on the process of inquiry and discovery to complete may be solved faster by those wi–”

Customer: “FINE, I’LL BUY THIS SONIC GAME! SHUT THE F*** UP, JESUS CHRIST!”

(I scan, take his money and wave him out.)

Me: “Thank you, have a nice day.”

Customer: “F*** YOU!”

Puzzle on Wikipedia