Giving That Request The Boot

| USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

(I manage a retail clothing store and I am at the counter when a mother and daughter walk up with a pair of our boots in the box to return.)

Me: “Hi, ladies, what can I help you with?”

Daughter: “Yes, I talked to the other manager, [My Assistant], yesterday about the studs coming off my boots. She said I could re-order them.”

Me: “Absolutely! I am sorry they are falling apart.”

(I try and see if the boot can be ordered, since the boots launched some time ago.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but the boots are unavailable for re-order. I would be more than happy to return them for you or you can swap it for whatever you like.”

Mother: “But she wants the boots. Can’t you give us something since they can’t be ordered?”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s exactly what I am trying to do. I am more than willing to return them or exchange them for whatever your daughter would like.”

Mother: “But she wants the boots. You can’t give us anything?”

Me: “So let me get this correct: you would like me to give you something for free AND let you keep the boots?”

Daughter: *getting frustrated with the audacity of her mother asking for such a ridiculous request* “No, it’s okay… I’ll keep the boots.” *mumbles to her mother* “Let’s go, mom.”

Border-ing On Love For Donut Holes

| Detroit, MI, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Food & Drink, Geography

(This is back when I am a student. I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. My roommates and I frequently like to drive through Detroit to the nearest border crossing into Windsor, Ontario, Canada. It is less than an hour’s drive. A quite famous Canadian coffee-shop chain, known for its donuts and donut-hole-like small pastries, has not yet expanded its operations into the US.)

Roommate #1: “You know what I want? [Donut holes].”

Me: “Ooh, [Donut holes]! You know I’m always up for [Donut holes]!”

Roommate #2: “[Donut holes] do sound good. We could go; it’s not that far. Hey, [Roommate #3], you want to come with to get [Donut holes]?”

Roommate #3: “To get … [Donut holes]? You mean, like to Canada?”

(This brief attempt at being the voice of reason falls through, and all three roommates and I pile into my car for the drive, about 40 minutes at 1 am. We get to the guard booth.)

Border Guard: “National origin?”

Me: “We’re all Americans.”

Border Guard: “Where do you live?”

Me: “All of us live in Ann Arbor.”

Border Guard: “Destination?”

Me: “Windsor.”

Border Guard: “Length of visit?”

Me: “Um, I’m not sure. Half an hour, something like that? Less than an hour for sure.”

Border Guard: *raising his eyebrows* “Purpose of visit?”

Me: “We really need some [Donut holes]!”

(He laughs at that and waves us through. We obtain our lovely little balls of goodness and head back home, which of course entails another stop.)

Border Guard: “National origin?”

Me: “We’re all Americans.”

Border Guard: “Where have you been in Canada?”

Me: “Just into Windsor.”

Border Guard: “How long were you in Canada?”

Me: “About 45 minutes? Something like that.”

Border Guard: “Uh huh. And the purpose of your visit?”

Me: *with my very best deadpan wide-eyed serious look* “We really, really needed some [Donut holes]!”

(Behind and beside me, my roommates beamed and held up our boxes of [Donut holes], which are pretty distinctive. And then we have our pièce de résistance…)

Me: *holding up another box* “Look, we brought you guys a 20-pack!”

(This would never happen today, of course; too much trouble to do this on a whim, and the guards probably wouldn’t be allowed to accept it, either. I hope the world’s gotten safer, because it’s sure gotten less fun.)

A Titanic Lie

| Albuquerque, NM, USA | History, Movies & TV, Tourists/Travel

(In 2012, I am working at the end of the Titanic exhibit next to the wall of names of those who lost their lives. Next to the wall, is a sign saying that Jack and Rose from the movie are fictional characters, and were not actually present on the ship.)

Patron #1: “Did you know that Jack and Rose were real live people?”

Patron #2: “Oh, wow! I didn’t know they actually existed!”

Patron #1: “Oh, yeah! But the only reason they’re not on any lists is because Jack won his ticket and Rose changed her name!”

Me: “Ladies, if you’ll notice the sign next to the wall of the lost, you’ll see that they were actually fictional characters that never existed.”

Patron #1: “What? You lie! THEIR LOVE WAS REAL AND SO WERE THEY!” *storms out of the exhibit*

Day 2 Of Training:

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Birth Out-Of-Control

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I am the patient in this story. I just received the birth control injection that goes in the arm.)

Me: “So, how soon does it take for this to take effect?”

Doctor: “Right now, you’re good to go!”

Me: “Challenge accepted!”

Doctor: “…”

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