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    We’ll Sell You One When Guinea Pigs Fly

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, School, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s late August and temperatures have been in the high 90s since 7 am. It’s now nearly 3 pm when I get a call.)

    Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Do you have any orange and white guinea pigs?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, all our guinea pigs are black but they’re very sweet and personable.”

    Customer: “No, it really has to be an orange and white one.”

    Me: “May I ask why?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a teacher at [Local Middle School] and I set the class guinea pig outside to clean my classroom this morning. I just checked on him and he’s dead.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re telling me you left that guinea pig outside in near 100-degree weather without checking on him, leading him to die of heat stroke, and you want me to sell you another one?”

    Customer: “…I’m not getting a guinea pig, am I?”

    Repeated Lottery Numbers

    , | Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Money

    (I’ve been working here for two years and never been jokingly asked for the lotto numbers before.)

    Me: “Is there anything else today?”

    Customer #1: “The winning lotto numbers?”

    Me: “Aha, sir, if I had them I doubt I’d be working here.”

    (The customer laughs and walks away. About six hours later I’m serving someone else.)

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer #2: “Oh, yes, I’d also like the winning lotto numbers!”

    Me: *pause* “Huh. You know, that’s the second time I’ve been asked that today!”

    Customer #2: “Ha, weird. So do you have them?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I gave them to the first guy. It wouldn’t be fair to tell you as well.”

    Customer #2: “Touché.”

    Baby Boa

    | PA, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at a pet store in a large shopping mall. We sell pets and supplies. The customer in question is a well dressed woman in her late twenties.)

    Customer: “Do you sell rabbits?”

    Me: “Not year long; they are a seasonal item.”

    Customer: “Do you have any large rats or guinea pigs? I need to feed my snake and it is quite large.”

    Me: “Well, we do have some rats. Let me show them to you.”

    (I take the customer over to the enclosure with the rats.)

    Me: “Will any of these do?”

    Customer: “Well they are a little small. I will just buy two of them. The snake is probably really hungry since he escaped for a while and we just found him.”

    Me: “I am glad you got him back safe and sound. Was he gone for long?”

    Customer: “Yes he was missing for quite a while. In fact, he hasn’t even met the baby yet.”

    (I don’t know if it ever occurred to her that a missing snake large enough to eat a full grown rabbit could be a danger to her infant child!)

    Mismanaged The New Management

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Money

    (Our small store, previously belonging to a large chain, has been bought out by a smaller chain. Most customers are aware of it and acknowledge the changes.)

    Me: “And your total is [total]. Will that be everything today?”

    Customer: “Aren’t you going to take my loyalty card?”

    Me: “Sorry, but as we’re no longer owned by [Previous Chain] and [New Chain] doesn’t have cards, we’re not accepting any of them.”

    Customer: “Well, I NEVER! What AWFUL customer service this is. How on EARTH is anyone supposed to know that this store changed owners?”

    Me: “You walked in the front doors under a banner proclaiming the new name, with a cart labelled with the new name, buying brand products of the new chain while passing by dozens of posters explaining the changes, and are now standing in front of me, while I’m wearing the new store uniform, holding a flyer with the new store name.”

    Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know?!”

    Not Chickening Out Of Saying The Right Thing

    | NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

    (I am waiting in line at a local place that’s known mostly for its hot dogs and unbelievably spicy buffalo wings. All of a sudden a customer comes storming into the place, literally shoves several people aside from the line and slams a take-out container on the counter.)


    (The man behind the counter working the fryers and grills turn around.)

    Owner: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I didn’t say some stupid fry cook. I said the owner of this place, the woman!”

    Owner: *points up to the wall of pictures she’s standing next to* “That would be me in every one of those ceremonies and events up there. This place is called [Restaurant] because I named it after my daughter. Now, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “You tried to POISON ME! I ordered the veggie bites and the fried cauliflower, and there was CHICKEN IN THERE!”

    Owner: “Oh! I’m terribly sorry ma’am. There must have been some kind of accident. I would be happy to replace—”

    Customer: “OHHHH, no. I’m not letting you off that easily. I could have DIED! I want some kind of compensation!”

    (After witnessing this overreaction from the customer, I have had enough:)

    Me: “All right, I’m sick of this. You storm in, shove three people out of the way including an older woman half your size, you insult the owner of the place to his face, he STILL offers to replace your food, and then you demand he give you more money back!?”

    Customer: “I COULD HAVE DIED!”

    Me: “Not unless you’re the first reported case of CHICKEN ALLERGIES, or you just swallow everything whole and can crush broccoli on the way down but not a chicken nugget! Let it go, python-lady!”

    (At this point the rest of the people there burst out laughing, including most of the staff. The customer storms out.)

    Owner: “THANK YOU! I don’t like being rude to customers no matter what, but she was totally out of line! What were you getting? It’s on the house.”

    Me: “Ah, don’t worry about it. I just better not find any fried cauliflower in my chicken nuggets!”

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