Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Ehhh…I’ll have a coffee.”

Me: “Excellent choice, sir. What kind of coffee? Our menu’s up there on the board if you’d like, or perhaps our house coffee?”

Customer: “What other kind of COFFEE is there? This IS a coffee shop, right?”

Me: “Well sir, we are a specialty coffee shop, and have many different varieties. If you’d like–”

Customer: “NO! This is so STUPID! Why would anyone bother having DIFFERENT kinds of coffee!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Ha ha! Just kidding. I always wanted to do that.”

(He skips out of the store. Yes, skipped. Keep in mind this is a middle-aged man.)

(Our new drugstore was assigned a phone number that had previously belonged to the animal shelter. We ALWAYS answered the phone with our store name and hours, but people don’t always listen. This became annoying, but one of my coworkers liked to have fun with it.)

Caller: “Uh, yeah. I have this raccoon in my backyard.”

Bill: “Hmm…that’s nice.”

Caller: “Yeah, well it seems to be acting strangely…like it’s crazy.”

Bill: “What do you want ME to do about it?”

Caller: “Well, you should do your job and come out and get rid of it! Isn’t that why I pay my taxes?”

Bill: “Okay then. Give me your address.”

Caller: *gives out address*

Bill: “Alright, after I close the drugstore I’ll be over with my shotgun around midnight. There will be a loud noise, so warn your neighbors. Since I don’t work for your taxes, just tape a $20 bill inside your mailbox, more if you want a fancy burial. Have a nice day!” *click*

Customer: “So the pork…is that like, fish?”

Me: “Noo…it’s like, pig.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:)

Manager: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?”

Manager: “Yes ma’am, unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.”

Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?”

Manager: “Uh…yes.”

Customer: “Well if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!”

(I work in a coffee place that has “special” names for their sizes. Since no one can ever get them right, I just started saying small, medium and large to make it easier.)

Customer: “I’ll have a vanilla latte please.”

Me: “Sure. Would you like the large?”

Customer: “Yeah. That’s the small, right?”

(A man has been waiting for a table at a full restaurant for 15 minutes. A family of four walks in with reservations and is immediately seated. The man approaches the hostess.)

Man: “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. Why were they seated before me?”

Hostess: “I’m sorry, sir, but they called to reserve a table.”

Man: “What, just because they called they get a table right when they come in?”

Hostess: “Yes, sir, they called ahead to reserve a table.”

Man: “Well, that’s dumb! So if I go outside and call can I come back in and get a table right now?”

Hostess: “No sir, I’m sorry, but we require at least a couple hours notice for reservations.”

Man: “Well that’s G** d*** stupid! So he calls and gets a table right away, but I can’t call and get a table? What the h*** is wrong with this place?”

*man storms out*

Me: “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

9-1-1 caller: “My phone’s been shut off and the only number I can call is 9-1-1.”

Me: “Are you calling about your phone being shut off or do you have an emergency?”

9-1-1 caller: “My phone. I paid my bill. It should be working.”

Me: “You’ll have to take that up with the phone company.”

9-1-1 caller: “Well, can you tell them to turn it back on? I paid my bill.”

Me: “No, you’ll need to contact them. This is the police department and this is an emergency line. I’m going to have to disconnect the call. You need to contact the phone company to get your phone turned back on.”

9-1-1 caller: “But my phone’s not working! I need it fixed now!”

Me: “I’m sorry. This is the police department. We can’t fix your phone. You’ll need to hang up and contact your phone company. We can’t do anything about your phone.”

9-1-1 caller: “Well that’s not right! I need help. My phone isn’t working and what if I need it? What if I have an emergency?”

Me: “You just dialed 9-1-1.”

(I was helping out a fellow co-worker by serving about three people at of her tables some decaf. At this point, the pitcher was half full.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you?”

(The customer takes a sip of the decaf, makes a face, and SPITS IT OUT all over the table.)

Old Man: “Excuse me!”

Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Old Man: “You’re almost out of coffee. Do you know what this means?”

Me: “…that I have to make another pot?”

Old Man: “I taste coffee bean residue in here. I require that you give me another pitcher.”

Me: “No problem, sir…”

(I go and fetch the other decaf pitcher, which is also half full.)

Me: “Will this one do, sir?”

Old Man: “What is with you people trying to give me the bottom of the pitcher? I’M NOT A BOTTOM MAN!”

(I immediately ran back to the kitchen and laughed for about 10 minutes.)

(This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.)

Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”

Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”

Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*

(Man walks up to repair counter and puts computer on the counter.)

Man: “I need to get this fixed.”

Me: “Okay, if you can just start by filling out these forms, I’ll plug in the unit in and see what’s up.”

Man: “It just doesn’t turn on at all anymore.”

(At this point I can’t help but notice the bay of connectors on the system appears to have been KICKED in. My co-worker notices this and silently laughs.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that the system is physically damaged, and our warranties don’t cover this. I can price up a non-warranty repair if you like, but it’s likely to be pricey because the logic board appears to have been, er, cracked.”

Man: “WHAT?! What in the **** are you talking about?”

Me: “As you can see there is a large dent in the back of the unit, and it has damaged the logic board.”

Man: “Well I didn’t ****ing do that, it must’ve happened in the ****ing car! I had to stop hard and it slid off the ****ing seat.”

Co-worker: “Actually, sir, it seems as if it was damaged by impact, such as a boot, or a hammer. Regardless, even if that were the case and it did happen in the car, it’s still non-covered physical damage.”

Man: “That’s ****ing bull****! It didn’t work before that happened in the ****ing car like I’m telling you it did, so you need to fix it!”

Me: “I’m afraid that any type of physical damage voids your warranty.”

Man: “So what the **** are you telling me?!”

Co-worker: “Well, we could fix it, but it’s likely more cost-effective to buy a new system.”

(The man, showing clear anger-management issues (which we assume is what happened), shoves the computer over causing it to slam down and the side to break.)

Man: “SO WHAT DID I BUY A ****ING WARRANTY FOR?!”

Co-worker: “Well, sir, as we said, physical damage isn’t covered by the warranty…and now we have the cause of physical damage on the camera too.”

Man: “Oh **** this **** and **** all of you.”

(Man picks up computer and walks over to the customer service counter, slamming it down on that counter, causing more damage. He demands to speak to a manager, who told him the same thing we did.)

Man, suddenly shouting: “**** this ****ing place to ****ing hell. I’m gonna ****ing sue the **** outta y’all!”

(The man storms out, leaving his computer at the counter.)