Me: “Thank you for calling [TV service], my name is ***. How may–”

Caller: “I don’t care!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “I don’t care what your name is! You guys are what’s driving me to start using again!”

Me: “Okay…how can I provide you with the best value and service?”

Caller: “You don’t care about that! All you care about is going home at the end of your shift and having that first sip of beer!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I’m 19, so I don’t drink.”

Caller: “You’re just a young punk! You should be at home with your mommy!”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “You’re too young to be working! You don’t know anything!”

Me: “Um…could I have your phone number so I can pull up your account?”

Caller: “No! That’s private!”

Me: “Okay, how about your name?”

Caller: “No! I won’t give you any information! You’re too young! Your brain hasn’t developed yet! Did you know it’s not done until you’re 21 or 22?”

Me: “Yes, I did know that.”

Caller: “Yeah! I’m a doctor! I’m a pediatrician!”

Me: “Okay. Well, I won’t be able to help you without your information.”

Caller: “I bet you were born with a golden spoon in your mouth!”

Me: “Um…could I have your address?”

Caller: “I don’t want you coming to my house!”

Me: “Well, how about your phone number?”

Caller: “I’ll give you my social security number instead.”

Me: “I can’t use that to access your account–”

Caller: *rattles off address surprisingly fast*

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m going to need you to be a bit slower for me.”

Caller: *rattles off address even faster*

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you. Let me try finding it by your name.”

Caller: “I’ll give you my name, but you can’t call me that.”

Me: “Okay. Well, I can call you anything you’d like–”

Caller: “CALL ME B**** FROM H***, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I AM!”

(My supervisor has been listening to the call and decides that enough is enough. He takes my headset and lets the customer know that if she ever calls back, she has to be drug-free.)

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Coworker: “It’s always so chilly up here near the door!”

Me: “I know, but I’d rather work in a store that’s a little chilly than a store that’s too hot. You can always put another layer on–”

Customer: “Well, you don’t matter.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “That’s right. You don’t matter. It’s the customer that’s right. If the store is too cold for the customer, there is a problem.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but–”

Customer: “But you don’t matter!”

(Note: much of our area is suffering from massive flooding. A man walks into our chain pharmacy, completely drenched from the chest down.)

Me: “Wow, what happened to you?”

Customer: “I tried to go to your other location and it was closed!”

Me: “That location is flooded, sir. There’s about four feet of water surrounding it.”

Customer: “I know! I had to wade all the way up to the door before I found out it was closed! How do you think I got so wet?”

(I’m a cashier at the local grocery store. One evening, a customer comes up to my till.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay today, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you, I did.”

(I start scanning his items. Out of nowhere, he grabs the hand-held scanner and points it at his forehead. Naturally, nothing comes up.)

Customer: “Just as I thought. I’m priceless!”

(A customer is placing an order for products to be sent from another store.)

Me: “Now, can I just have a convenient phone number to call you on?”

Customer: “Sorry, my number is private.”

Me: “I need it so I can let you know when the products arrive in store.”

Customer: “Absolutely not! I hate calls in the middle of making dinner.”

Me: “I only call within trading hours, so I can’t order your products unless you will come in to pick them up.”

Customer: “Can I call you?”

Me: “It would be easier for me to call you.”

Customer: “How would you like it if I took your number down and called you randomly?”

Me: “I will only call you to let you know that your order is in. Our privacy policy protects you from other people calling you for other reasons. We only use it to let you know your order.”

Customer: “Can I leave my mobile with you?”

Me: “Yes, that would be fine.”

Customer: *puts mobile on counter and walks out before I can stop them*

Related:
Security-Insecurity

(At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.)

Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.”

Me: “What’s not?”

Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!”

Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.”

Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?”

Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs*

Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”

(At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket please?”

Customer: “The force is strong with this one.”

Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

Customer: “I challenge you to a light-saber battle!”

(Suddenly, the customer whips out two light-sabers from under his cloak.)

Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

Me: “No, not today sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

Customer: “But…but I have challenged you! I sense the force within you is strong!”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: *looks around* “Alright, just give me one.”

(He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

(I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand and runs out the back side door to the movie theater.)

Manager: “Well?”

(Literally defeated, I head back to work.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [TV Company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my TV is broken.”

Me: “I’ll be glad to help you today. What is wrong with your TV?”

Customer: “The picture keeps flashing on and off.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can I have you check the connections on the back of your TV to make sure everything is screwed in tightly?”

Customer: “Well, the lights in my house are flashing on and off too. We’re in a tornado warning. Do you think that has something to do with it?”

(I work on a cruise ship, and it’s 3 pm on embarkation day–the day all guests board. There are hundreds of people in the main atrium, milling about, asking tour questions and filling in forms. A male guest in his 50s approaches one of the tour staff with a paper in hand.)

Customer: “I have filled my form out. It says here you need to check it?”

Me: “Yes, you have a medical waiver for our snorkel tour. I’ll check it over so I can give you your tickets.”

(I read the form and notice that ‘Circulatory Problems’ has been checked.)

Me: “Sir, it says here you have circulation problems. Is this exercise related?”

Customer: “No, I had a minor surgery.”

Me: “Ah, was it cardiovascular, or–”

(A woman, also in her 50s and dressed in a blue velvet leisure suit with lots of gold jewelry suddenly bursts in.)

Customers Wife: *very loudly* “Harvey, what is this man asking you? I’m his wife.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am just confirming some details on his waiver so he can go snorkeling.”

(She grabs the form.)

Customers Wife: “Let me see that…oh, Harvey you didn’t put down your surgery, that’s why.”

(A couple of guests have turned to listen as the wife of Harvey is very, VERY loud.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was just going to ask Harvey–”

Customers Wife: “Oh, I can tell you what it is. It was for removal of varicose veins.”

Me: “So, it really isn’t circula–”

Customers Wife: *loudly* “They’re on his testicles!”

(I quickly take the form and excuse Harvey. Immediately, Harvey runs off.)

Customers Wife: “Harvey, where are you going? Harvey, what’s wrong?” *chases after Harvey*