Grocery Store | Chicago, IL, USA
(I am checking out a man with a thick southern accent.)
Me: “How would you like to pay for that?”
Customer: “Oh, darn. I must’ve forgotten my credit card at home. All I got is money.”
Me: “We do take cash.”
Customer: “It’s American money. I know you folks don’t take that.”
Me: “We take American money. This is America.”
(The man’s mouth literally drops open.)
Customer: “No fooling? When did that happen?”
Me: “When Illinois became a territory of the United States of America?”
Customer: “America took land from the Canadians? I must’ve missed it on the news.”
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Retail | Farmington Hills, MI, USA
Customer: “Oh, I needed help putting in this cat food, and the young man put in the wrong brand!”
Me: “Okay, let’s go over there and get the right one.”
(We walk over, and she looks at about five different bags of cat food, then goes to a bag of litter.)
Customer: “I think it was this one I wanted.”
Me: “Wait, did you want cat food or litter?”
Customer: “What’s the difference?”
Tech Support | Texas, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite company]. How can I be of assistance?”
Customer: “I need you to move the satellite, please.”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Customer: “Well, I want to watch the movie but we’re having a storm. Can you move the satellite closer so I can see the rest of the movie?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the satellite is in space and I can’t just move it closer to you.”
Customer: “Okay. Well, can you pause the channel until the storm is over then?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, that is a broadcast going to everyone at the same time. We cannot pause the broadcast.”
Customer: “Okay, just replay the movie for me. I get home from work about 5, so if you could start it at 6 I’ll have time to make a bite to eat first.”
Me: “Ma’am, that is not how the broadcast works.”
Customer: “You’re just not helpful AT ALL!”
College | Salem, OR, USA
(To make the day more interesting, I am asking the prospective students about their Halloween.)
Me: “So how was your Halloween? Did you dress up?”
Student Caller: “I was Spock, of course.”
Me: “Awesome. Live long and prosper.”
Student Caller: “The needs of the many…”
Me: “…are greater than the needs of the few.”
Student Caller: “Or the one.”
*long pause*
Student Caller: “Marry me?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Student Caller: “What, is this moving too fast for you? Okay, how about a date? Coffee? I can be there in 4 hours!”
Me: “Uhh… I don’t think this is appropriate. If you have any questions, you can call the office of admissions-”
Student Caller: “Wait! I need to tell my mom I’ve met the future Mrs. Finkler!”
Gym | Virginia, USA
Customer: “What are your hours for New Years?”
Me: “We will be closing at 4pm on New Year’s Eve.”
Customer: “Do you have something with those times on it?”
Me: “If you go over to the bulletin board by the door there is a sign with the hours.”
Customer: “This sign says December 31, but nothing about New Year’s Eve!”
Me: “Yes ma’am, New Year’s Eve is December 31.”
Customer: “That’s not right! I asked for the hours on New Year’s Eve, and now you’re trying to trick me by giving me the hours for December 31!”
Me: “No, New Year’s Eve is just the name of the holiday that occurs on December 31.”
Customer: “I don’t understand.”
Me: “Here, look at the calendar. See, if you look at December 31, it says ‘Holiday: New Year’s Eve’.”
Customer: “What is this? I don’t want any part of your liberal anti-holiday conspiracy!”
Electronics Store | Minneapolis, MN, USA
Customer: “I need to get a 7 inch screen computer that will fit on my lap when I use it. Please, sell me one now!”
Me: “I’d be happy to help you find a laptop.”
Customer: “Well first off, I don’t want a laptop. I want a computer with a 7-inch screen that can sit on my lap while I’m using it.”
Me: “Okay, follow me sir.”
(I find him his computer. A few hours pass and the customer leaves holding a small box in his arms. The alarm sounds as he leaves the building. I rush up and bring him back inside.)
Customer: “What is all this about! I stole nothing! I bought this computer! I paid for it just a minute ago!”
Me: *searching his things* “Sir, you have a wireless mouse, 3 CD’s, 2 DVD’s, a camera, and a portable radio hidden in your jacket. You can’t just walk out of here without paying for those.”
Customer: “But I bought the computer!”
Home Improvement Store | Santa Clarita, CA, USA
Customer: “I need your assistance with these lights here. Do I just plug these into the dirt?”
Me: “They’re solar powered, so you stick them into your lawn and they’ll charge during the day so they can shine during the evening. Right now they’re on clearance for $14.98.”
Customer: “How many batteries will I have to buy? I always get things like this on sale and then you trick me because I have to buy batteries.”
Me: “They’re solar powered.”
Customer: “I just want to know how many batteries I need.”
Me: “Well these particular lights only need one battery. It’s big and yellow and floats in the sky. It’s called the Sun.”
Customer: “Never mind, then. That sounds awfully expensive.”
Pharmacy | Tallmadge, OH, USA
(An elderly woman is having a seizure and obviously 911 was called to the scene.)
Customer: “Excuse me, but when can I get my prescription?”
Me: “Ma’am, this woman is having a seizure and needs medical attention right away.”
Customer: “But I was here before her!”
Government | Montreal, Canada
(We had just received well over 15 inches of snow during the course of the night. Obviously, our buses were late and our subway system crowded.)
Customer: “My bus was 25 minutes late and I arrived to work late. My boss just gave me my final warning. One more lateness and I’ll be fired!”
Me: “I’m sorry to hear that but, as you can see, we currently have snow on the ground and there isn’t much we can do but to wait for the plow crews to finish their job.”
Customer: “Excuses! I got a final warning from my boss and I’m about to get fired!”
Me: “Okay. If it is of any help to you, I can mail an official letter to your boss certifying that your lateness was our fault and not yours.”
Customer: “No! I don’t want no letter from you guys. I’m about to get fired!”
Me: “Okay, I apologize for the inconvenience, but–”
Customer: “You know what would have been helpful? You guys should have performed a ‘preventative’ plowing before the snow fell!”
Home Improvement Store | Cincinnati, OH, USA
Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell christmas trees?”
Me: “Yes, we do in the Garden Center.”
Customer: “Thanks…”
(A few minutes later, the customer returns.)
Customer: “I can’t seem to find them.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll show you where they are.”
(I leads to Garden Center and points out section donated to the trees.)
Me: “They’re right there, ma’am.”
Customer: “No, you’re wrong. Those are evergreens! I want a Christmas Tree!”
Me: “Ma’am, evergreens are Christmas trees.”
Customer: “No, they’re different! I want a Christmas tree, not some stupid evergreen!”
Me: “Ma’am, they are the same.”
Customer: “No, they are not! Christmas trees stay green all year round, and evergreens lose their leaves!”
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