(A middle-aged woman comes to the front desk of our hotel. Note that I am also a woman and my coworker is a man.)

Customer: “Where are all the women at?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The women! The good looking women!”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand.”

Customer: “My son just started college and he wants a woman. Where should I go to get him a woman?”

Me: “I’m not interested in women, so I wouldn’t know.”

Customer, to coworker: “You! Hey, you. Where should I go to get ladies?”

Coworker: “Has he tried the college campus?”

Customer: “They’re all ugly. I want to get my son a hot chick!”

Coworker: “Okay, this is a small town. He should look around. A bar?”

Customer: “He’s not 21.”

Me: “The grocery store? I don’t know.”

Customer: “But where would you go?”

Me: “Ask at the visitors’ center. Have a good day!”

(This happened back in 2003 during the East Coast Blackout when I was a cashier at a bookstore. Although Edmonton is far from the East coast, all our debit, credit and gift-card machines are tied into servers in Eastern Canada.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to get this book…” *passes me the book and a gift card*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our gift card system is down right now.”

Customer: “This is bulls**t! My kids bought this card for me yesterday, and now I can’t use it?”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we can put the book on hold for you.”

Customer: “This is a scam! You guys are trying to rip me off!”

Me: “Sir…”

Customer: “Don’t call me sir!”

Me: “Now, sir…”

Customer: “Don’t call me sir! Call me an a**hole, but don’t call me sir!” *stomps out of the store*

Me: “Good morning! What can I help you with today?”

Customer: *stares*

Me: “Ma’am, did you need help with something?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “I just turned 21 this week.”

Customer: “21, eh? You know what I’m going to tell you next, don’t you?”

Me: “Um, drink more?”

Customer: “No! I was gonna tell you to shave your eyebrows! You look all…natural.”

Me: “Oh…thank you?”

Customer: “A girl your age shouldn’t look natural!”

Customer: “Hi, I need to schedule an appointment to test my car. I need it as soon as possible!”

Me: “Okay, let’s see. First available appointment is actually today. Would you like me to put you up for that?”

Customer: “Hmm…I don’t know. I really do need it as soon as possible. Can you check to see if you have anything earlier?”

Me: “Well, first available is today.”

Customer: “I really need it before that.”

Me: “Earlier than today?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t see how I could make that happen. Can you maybe tell me which day you would like?”

Customer: “Yesterday?”

Me: “Yesterday?”

Customer: “Yes, that would be great!”

Me: “Sorry, nothing available yesterday. How about tomorrow?”

Customer: “Okay, I guess that’ll do…”

(I work at a paint-your-own-pottery studio where we fire the ceramics in our own kilns.)

Customer: “How long does it take to get the pottery back?”

Me: “It takes one week, sir.”

Customer: “Well I need my pottery in two days. Can I just take it home and cook it in my oven?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that won’t work. The pottery needs to be fired in a kiln.”

Customer: “But my oven gets really hot.”

Me: “I’m sure it does sir, but it still won’t work.”

Customer: “But you don’t know hot my oven gets. It gets really, really, hot!”

Me: “Well, sir, we fire our pottery at 1800 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “Hello, ladies. What can I start you off to drink?”

Customer: “I’ll have a draft beer.”

Me: “Certainly. Would you like the 12 ounce or the 18 ounce?”

Customer: “Oh, bring me the tall.”

(I return with her large beer in a scooner that looks like a mini fishbowl.)

Customer: “Good Lord, this is your 12 ounce?”

Me: “No, ma’am. That’s the 18 ounce. I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. I thought you said the tall beer. Let me go fix that.”

Customer: “I did say tall. Tall is small, you know.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We’re not [coffee chain]. In beer language, tall means large.

Customer: “Well, you’re just behind on the times. Everybody knows tall is small!”

(The junior college near my grocery store has some guy who makes very good fake IDs. After a couple of months, we’ve become adept at spotting them. One night, a young customer tries to pass one on me.)

Me: “Wow, this is a really good fake.”

(The customer’s eyes go wide and she squeaks in terror.)

Me: “How old are you, really?”

Customer: *squeaks again*

Me: “Sorry, say again?”

Customer: “Seventeen?”

Me: “Wow, that’s crazy. But this is a really good fake. How much did you pay for this?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Customer: “Two fifty?”

Me: “You paid two hundred and fifty dollars for this?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “Well, I feel kinda bad that you’re losing all that money, so I’m not gonna call the police. However, I have to confiscate your ID, okay?”

Customer: *squeaks*

Me: “You have a nice night now.”

Customer: *squeaks one last time and runs from the store*

(Most corn that is grown in Iowa is for livestock. We sell sweet corn at our stand that sits in front of our feed corn field by the road.)

Customer: “I want some of that corn.” *gestures toward feed corn field*

Me: “Oh, that’s not sweet corn. That’s feed corn.”

Customer: “What?! All corn is sweet corn.”

Me: “No, there is sweet corn grown especially for humans and feed corn grown for cattle.”

Customer: “Bulls***! I know you stupid hicks are trying to cheat me! Cows are meat-eaters!”

(A hotel guest who has been at our hotel for eight days comes up to the front desk while I am on duty.)

Hotel guest: “Excuse me, I’d like to make an complaint.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am, let me grab a comment card for you and we can discuss the problem to see if we can’t remedy it.”

Hotel guest: “I don’t see how you could fix it, but your maid staff is stupid!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, what was it that was done to cause the problem?”

Hotel guest: “Well, they never cleaned our room! In the whole week, we’ve been here they never once cleaned the room! I’ve had to ask for new towels and new soap every day, and the room is starting to smell!”

(Upon checking her reservation information, I notice a “no service” comment has been put up on all but the first night.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, it does appear that the maid service does recognize that they were never able to come in and clean your room. I know this sounds silly, but there was ever a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign put on your door?”

Hotel guest: “No! I did not put any signs on my door! They came to us so G** D*** early in the morning! We stay out late and have a good time and they are knocking at 10 am to come clean!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. That is when their rounds typically start, any time after 9 am. Did they never come back after you asked them to come later?”

Hotel guest: “Oh, yes! They came back at 3 pm, right when I was taking my afternoon nap! Woke me up! They came back around 3 or 4 pm and wanted to clean then! But I was sleeping! Honestly!”

Me: “So, let me make sure I understand you. The housekeeping came two times a day, and both times you sent them away because it was either too early or you were taking a nap…and you are wanting to complain that your room was never cleaned?”

Hotel guest: “Yes! It’s like they didn’t even care about us!”

Me: “Well, I can at least remedy this for the rest of your stay. What time would you prefer housekeeping come to the room?”

Hotel guest: “Oh I don’t know! But not those times!”

(I try for another 30 minutes to come to satisfy the guest, but she gets too upset and storms off. My manager, a great people-pleaser, ends up giving them a free night’s stay for their next trip.)

(Note: I’m taking a drive-thru order.)

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get you today?”

Customer: “I’d like a large coffee with four creams and four sugars in it.”

Me: “That was a large coffee with quadruple cream and sugar?”

Customer: “No, you dumb f***! I wanted a large coffee with four creams and four sugars!”

Me: “Ma’am, quadruple means four.”

Customer: “Oh…”