Customer: “I have a complaint about this ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ toy.”

Me: “Go ahead.”

Customer: “I saw a few videos online that it’s really a “Tickle Me Emo”! How dare you try to teach kids to be emo!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but those videos are fake and were created just for a laugh. That is a Tickle Me Elmo and it’s completely appropriate for kids.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *a few seconds later* “So, where can I find a ‘Tickle Me Emo’?”

Me: “Please keep all hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the boat, and remember, pirates, no flash pictures!”

Guest: *takes flash picture*

Me: “Ma’am, please refrain from taking flash photographs on the ride.”

Guest: “I didn’t take a flash picture!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but you did. Please turn your flash off or do not take pictures. It disturbs the other ride-goers.”

Guest: “I didn’t take a flash picture! My shirt is still on!”

(I have been called to change the lock on a mailbox.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll change it. Which one is it?”

Customer: “Fourteen.”

Me: “Okay. Well, there are four mailboxes here, and they all have a 14 on them. Which box is it?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Can you just open them all?”

Me: “That would be a Federal crime. None of your lease information has a box number?”

Customer: “Really, if you open them all, I promise I’ll put the other people’s mail back. Pretty please?”

Caller: “I’ve had nothing but trouble with this phone recently.”

Me: “What problems have you been having?”

Caller: “No matter what I do, I can’t get a signal. I had to ring customer services!

Me: “Did you call them off that phone?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “And is that the phone I am speaking to you on?”

Caller: “Yes. And they said I should try switching it off taking the sim card out, putting it back in and turning it back on and that would help re-set it.”

Me: “Did that work?”

Caller: “I don’t know, they hung up on me while I was trying.”

Me: “While you where switching your phone off?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [my company]. May I have the e-mail address on your account, please?”

(Note that the caller sounds to be about 13 years old.)

Caller: “Are you a computer or a real person?”

Me: “I’m a real person. I live in [my hometown]. I love sushi, and I like to knit. How can I help you tonight?”

Caller: “Are you sure you’re not a really good computer?”

Customer: “I’d like three copies of this photo, please.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but this we can’t copy this. It’s a professionally taken photo.”

Customer: “What?! It was taken on a cruise ship 3 years ago!”

Me: “I apologize, sir, but we’re not allowed to copy professional photos without the photographer’s consent.”

Customer: “It was taken on a cruise ship 5 years ago! What does the law have to do with anything!”

Me: “Sir, the government could fine us fifteen-thousand dollars for going against the copyright on those photos. The law gives the photographer legal ownership of those photos for seventy years.”

Customer: “Well, it’s been seven!”

Me: “I said seventy.”

Customer: “Well, seventy then!”

Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [software company]. My name is ***, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m having trouble with my software.”

Me: “Okay. What’s the issue?”

Customer: “My data is gone.”

Me: “When you say gone, what do you mean exactly?”

Customer: “Well, when I open up my [database] my data is incorrect or missing.”

Me: “Okay. There are a few tests that we can run on your data to see if we can pin-point the problem.”

(I walk the customer through the steps of running the data test.)

Customer: “The test is finished. It says, 11,383 data errors were found.”

Me: “11,383?!”

Customer: “Is that bad?”

(A woman and her twelve year-old son are buying hockey equipment.)

Me: “Okay, you’ll also need a cup & supporter for him.”

Customer: “How do I know what size he needs?”

Me: “The supporter is based on his waist size. Do you know his waist size?”

Customer: “Yes, but how do I know what size the cup should be for him?”

Me: “Well, you’d know better than me! I’d recommend the teen size.”

Customer: “No. If he’s anything like his father, he’ll need an extra-small.”

Me: “Hi what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Um…. I need some… *whispers* tampons?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Some tampons please.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong store.”

Customer: “No, I don’t. My husband told me to come here and get them!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We don’t sell those here.”

Customer: “But you have to. He said he got some here last week.”

(I realize she probably means tapcons, which are masonry screws.)

Me: “Do you mean tapcons?”

Customer: “Yeah, that could be it. I don’t know why he told me to get tampons. That doesn’t make any sense.”

(I work in a toy store where customers can custom build their own stuffed animals. A father and young daughter approach.)

Me: “Welcome to [toy store], have you picked out an animal to be stuffed today?”

Little girl: “Yes!”

(We proceed to stuff the bear and the little girl grabs one of the ‘push to talk’ buttons and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, you want to get the I love you button put in today?”

Father: “Hold on a second. Baby, what’s this thing?”

Little girl: “He puts it in the bear for me and when you push it, it says I love you!

Father: “How much does this thing cost?”

Me: “Five dollars, sir.”

Father: “S***! For five dollars, baby, I’ll tell you I love you! Go put that thing back.”