(Note: this occurred on October 30th.)

Customer: “Hi, can you help me find a costume? I’m looking for a Jack Sparrow costume for my son.”

Me: “Ah, well, I can tell you that Jack was a very popular character this year, and unfortunately we are out of all our Jack Sparrow costumes, even adults. But we–”

Customer: “What! That’s outrageous! How can you be out of the most popular costume?”

Me: “Well we’ve tried to keep up with demand, but I guess a lot of people shopped early this year. We sold out of many of the most popular costumes, Jack Sparrow being one of them. We have other pirate items.”

Customer: “No, no, no! He wants to be Jack! I can’t believe this, this is the fifth costume shop I have been to today and no one has this costume! Why don’t you people keep more of them around?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. If you like, I would be happy to help you pull together a Jack Sparrow costume out of items we do have.”

Customer: *walking away* “Outrageous! How can a store be out of the most popular Halloween costumes when Halloween is tomorrow?!”

(A customer and his wife come in to find an outfit for her to wear. He seems particularly interested in one that’s being worn by a mannequin.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you have the outfit on the mannequin?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I sold the last one earlier today. The one the mannequin is wearing is the only one I have.”

Customer: “Well, why can’t you just give me that one then?”

Me: “I can, but I do have another almost identical outfit in stock.”

Customer: “No, I want that one!”

Me: “Okay, sir.”

(I start dragging the mannequin to the back.)

Customer: “Where are you going?”

Me: “City law says I can’t undress her in front of the windows, sir.”

Customer: “Well, why can’t I have that one?”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I want the one on the mannequin!”

Me: “That’s what I’m doing sir.”

Customer: “I WANT THE ONE ON THE MANNEQUIN!”

(His wife suddenly appears from another part of the store.)

Customer’s wife: “He just wants to see the mannequin naked.”

(I work in a store near a drive-through safari. One day, a motorcycle rider comes into the store.)

Manager: “Sir, you can’t go through on a motorcycle–it’s not safe for you or the animals.

Motorcycle rider: “I’ve been through before in my car and nothing happened.”

Manager: “Sir, there are bears, monkeys, and giraffes wandering loose. You could be hurt. We can’t let you got through. We offer a bus service–”

Motorcycle rider: “This is discrimination! What kind of place doesn’t allow cycle riders?”

(During this time, a group of bus riders is shopping in the store. One of them speaks up.)

Bus rider: “Oh, just let him get eaten! That’s a nice bike, and the monkeys and bears will tear it apart anyway.”

Motorcycle rider: “They’d do that to my bike?”

(He rode the bus that day.)

Related:
Getting Your Priorities Straight, Part 2
Getting Your Priorities Straight

Patient: “I think there’s something wrong with my tooth.”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Patient: “Well, I think it’s loose.”

(The patient suddenly spits his tooth onto the counter in front of me.)

Me: “Yes…yes, I think you’re right.”

Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My device won’t charge!”

Me: “Okay, is it plugged in right now?”

Customer: “No, but it doesn’t charge!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, just to cover all the bases, can you plug it back in for me?”

Customer: “Okay, but it won’t charge!” *pause* “G** D*** it! It’s charging!”

Me: “Well, it sounds like it was a one-time glitch, but if it gives you any more problems, please call us right away so we can get it fixed for you, okay?”

Customer: “I’m not going to call you back! You’re just going to make it work again!”

Related:
Disappointed By A Lack Of Disappointment

(It’s a slow day at the mall when a customer walks our store. Two steps in, she puts her fingers in her ears.)

Customer: “Can you turn that music down?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t turn it down, but I’ll ask my manager.”

Customer: “Okay…” *walks to the back of the store with her fingers in her ears*

Me, to my associate: “Can you go ask the store manager if we can turn down the music? I don’t want a customer shopping with her fingers in her ears.”

(She eventually returns to my counter.)

Customer: “Can’t you turn it down?! I’m the only one here!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re working on it.”

Customer: “The bass is too loud!”

Me: “We’ll get the volume down for you.”

(My associate walks to the back room, and as he opens the door the customer continues shouting until he turns down the music. Satisfied, she eventually buys one shirt.)

Customer: “Can I get a gift box?”

Associate: “We only have them at Christmas.”

Customer: “Oh. Then I’ll just come in and look for the two of you at Christmas and get a box.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t work all the time. If you bring your receipt in, any of the associates will be happy to give you a box at Christmas.”

Customer: “But I want a box from you! You won’t forget me.”

Me: “I meet a lot of people during the week, ma’am.”

Customer: “You won’t forget me!” *circles her face with her hand* “I was the crazy lady with fingers in her ears that asked you to turn the music down!”

(A customer in their 50s walks into my pawn shop, which sells weapons.)

Customer: “Yeah, can you get me that shotgun behind the table?”

Me: “Sure, do you have your license and registration?”

Customer: “Yeah, right here.”

Me: “Thank you sir. There’s a 5 day waiting period for firearms. Come back soon.”

(He looks disappointed, but forks over the cash and walks out. Five days later…)

Customer: “Okay, dude, I’m back. Where’s the gun?”

Me: “Right here, sir…

(I make the transaction and hand him his shotgun.)

Me: “Have a nice day and come back soon!”

(About one minute after the customer leaves the store, I hear several loud shotgun blasts. I look through the window and the man is firing rounds into the air! He then runs into the store.)

Customer: “The zombie invasion has begun! It’s every man for himself!”

(I hide under the desk and press the silent alarm. Five minutes later, the police arrive, taser the guy, and bring him out of our back room in cuffs. I work at an ice cream store now.)

Customer: “Excuse me, may I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Can you tell me if this game will fit on my computer?”

(I look at size of game install from box.)

Me: “Okay, this takes four gigs of hard drive space. How big is your hard drive?”

Customer: “I’m not sure. About this big, I think?” *holds hands about four inches apart*

(I am a shift manager at a restaurant. I have many facial piercings, but always take them out for work.)

Me: “Hello this is the manager speaking, what seems to be the problem today?”

Caller: “I am calling to complain about one of your staff. They have horrendous facial piercings. It’s disgusting!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I must let you know that all of our staff are required to take out any piercings before starting their shift. What did this employee look like?”

Caller: “She looked like the devil! She had piercings in her lip nose and eyebrow!”

(I am the only one with these piercings, so she must be referring to me.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, are you sure you saw this employee at the restaurant?”

Caller: “No, she was at the supermarket!”

Me: “You’re calling about one of our employees while they were off duty?”

Caller: “Yes! She never has them on at your restaurant, so they must have fallen into my food!”

Me: *speechless*

Caller: “YOU’RE GETTING SUED!”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t do that thingy.”

Me: “I’m sorry, What thingy?”

Customer: “Emails. It keeps saying error 421. I never put that number in.”

Me: “That’s an error number. Can you tell me what lights are flashing on the modem?”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a small box with cables running into it. It will have a lot of lights flickering on it.”

Customer: “The box with the blinky lights?”

Me: “Yes, that should be it.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought my son put that in here to annoy me, so I unplugged it!”