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    Suffering From A Reptile Dysfunction, Part 2

    | Lynnwood, WA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (I was getting my best friend some candy at a grocery store to cheer her up, when I am approached by a lady who is at a sample station with dog treats.)

    Customer: “Do happen to have a dog at home?”

    Me: “Actually, I don’t. We only have a bunch of reptiles.”

    Customer: “Reptiles, huh. When I was out this state, we caught large iguanas about this big—” *stretches out arms, maybe four feet* “—from the jungle and ate them.”

    Me: “Iguanas can get very large.”

    Customer: “It was delicious, but I don’t recommend eating your pets.”

    Me: “No, that would be pretty messed up.”

    (Luckily some people walked up to her table and she went to help. I wasn’t sure how to react to someone telling me they enjoy eating the pets I love.)

    Suffering From A Reptile Dysfunction

    Should Have Been A Piece Of Cake

    | QC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in a cafe that also serves gelato. We also make ice cream cakes which are entirely made of ice cream. We just put layers of different flavors in a pan, freeze it and unmold it. To prevent any sort of misunderstanding, we also put a big sticker on each box saying ‘keep frozen.’ Even then, the concept seems to be hard to get for some customers. A customer that bought a cake four hours ago rushes into the shop looking really angry.)

    Customer: “I want to have a refund! The cake you sold me did not work!”

    Me: “What do you mean, it did not work?”

    Customer: “Your cake melted before I could serve it to my guests! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Did you leave the cake on the counter for a little while before serving it to your guests?”

    Customer: “Of course not! I’m not an idiot! When I put it out of the fridge it was already melted!”

    Me: “Wait… what? You left the cake in the fridge?”

    Customer: “Yes, I did!”

    Me: “But, sir, it needs to be kept in the freezer. It’s ice cream!”

    Customer: “And?”

    Me: “Ice cream needs to be kept frozen if you don’t want it to melt!”

    Customer: “You really think I am stupid? I know ice cream melt! We are talking about a cake!”

    Me: “Yes, a cake made of ice cream.”

    Customer: “And?”

    Me: “Like ice cream it needs to be kept in a freezer.”

    Customer: “But it’s a cake!”

    Me: A cake made of ice cream!”

    Customer: *pause*

    Me: (pause)

    Customer: “But it’s a cake!”

    Taiwannical Behavior, Part 2

    | Taiwan | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Geography, Politics

    (I am Caucasian and work in Taiwan. Taiwan is a de facto independent country, even though China claims otherwise. Chinese tourist are notorious for harassing the locals on that issue, but I never had to deal with that personally.)

    Customer: *rudely, as she enter the store* “You work here?”

    Me: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer: “You live in this city?”

    Me: “Yup, for many years now.”

    Customer: “Why you choose here and not Beijing?”

    Me: *cautiously, as I realize from her accent she is Chinese* “I like the life here.”

    Customer: “But Beijing is better! You should come to Beijing instead.”

    Me: “Beijing is probably very nice. Maybe I will visit someday.”

    Customer: “You better move. This city is no good. Beijing is better.”

    Me: “So, may I assume you are from Beijing?”

    Customer: *proudly* “Yes, I am!”

    Me: “Cool! So we are both foreigners here!”

    (She gave me a very black, angry look, then left the store without saying another word.)

    Taiwannical Behavior

    Wish You Could Jew Something

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry

    (A heavily tattooed bald man walks in to the restaurant where I am working. I am at the register. The guy orders his lunch.)

    Me: “That’ll be [total].”

    Customer: “Good, you didn’t overcharge me. Last week there was some Jewish b**** who got my order wrong. Of course, what do you expect? F****** Jews.”

    (I grit my teeth and smile. He hands me a some money.)

    Me: “Here’s your change and your receipt. Have a good day sir.”

    (During the course of this conversation he insulted me, my brother, my mother, my grandfather, my late grandmother, and my best friend from school, all without knowing it. I kind of wish I could have told him, but I doubt my manager would have been happy!)

    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 15

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Extra Stupid, School

    (I am a PhD student. It is 7 pm on Friday night, and everyone is down at the pub, except for me. I have just come back from an experiment. To my great surprise one of my coworkers is still at her desk.)

    Me: “Oh, you’re still here.”

    Coworker: “I’m about to go. A guy called your phone just now, looking for Mr. ‘No-One-Who-Works-In-Our-Office.’”

    Me: “Huh. Must have got the wrong number.”

    Coworker: *suddenly looking pained* “I tried to tell him that. But it was really weird. He said he would call back in a few minutes, though. I think you better wait to speak to him. Anyway, I’m off. See you Monday!”

    (I get on with some paperwork. About 20 minutes later, the call comes.)

    Me: “Hello, this is room [Room Name]. You’re speaking to—”

    Caller: “Hello. Please pass me on to Mr [Name].”

    (I don’t recognize the name.)

    Me: “Ah, it is you! You called before. I’m afraid you got the wrong number—”

    Caller: “This is about my son. I want Mr. [Name] to send me the financial statements for his enrollment. It is a very urgent matter and I want them immediately.”

    Me: “Yes, I’m afraid you have the wrong number. There’s no person by that name in this office. I think my colleague was trying to tell you before—”

    Caller: “So, he is out? In that case, I will give you my son’s name and student number and you will tell Mr [Name] to telephone me as soon as he returns. My son’s name is—”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that for you. I have never heard of that person, so I wouldn’t be able to pass anything on to him. It sounds to me like you want to get admin or accounts or someone like that.”

    Caller: “That’s right. I am calling international accounts.”

    Me: “Erm, I’m afraid you’re not. This is one of the PhD offices. You have the wrong number. Actually, hang on, let me find the right number for you—”

    (I pull up the university search page to find the right number for him. I am quite new myself and know that it can be a confusing system, especially since it sounds like English is not the caller’s first language. Before I can get it for him, however, he starts shouting.)

    Caller: “How can I have the wrong number? HOW? I cannot understand how this can happen.”

    Me: “Maybe you wrote it down wrong? Or pressed the wrong button? I don’t know how because, well, I’m not you. But I’m trying to get the right one for you.”  

    Caller: “Mr [Name] told me to call this number. How can he tell me the wrong number? What sort of institution is this? It is completely unprofessional! This is how things are run in this country. Every time I call it is like this, some excuse to waste my time. I called only two minutes ago and was speaking to Mr [Name], and he told me to call this number back. He wouldn’t give me the wrong number. You are just trying to slack off work! You are lying so you don’t have to help me!”

    Me: “Erm, I don’t know what to say to you except that you definitely have it wrong somehow. There are only six people in this office and he’s not one of them. And you didn’t call this office two minutes ago because I was here and the phone didn’t ring. Unless you mean about 20 minutes ago, in which case you would have called [Coworker], who is a girl and is definitely not the guy you’re looking for. It sounds to me like you simply got the wrong number somehow. I’m sure he wouldn’t have given it to you deliberately, but maybe he made a mistake. It’s pretty easy to do.”

    Caller: “So, are refusing to help me?”

    Me: “I’m not sure that I can, really. But I’ve been trying to find the right number through the university website for you so—”

    Caller: “I don’t want to call again. You will write down my son’s name like I told you and find out about his accounts for me.”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Caller: “Write down his name and find out the information I want. Then call me back straight away as this is a very urgent matter. I will give you my phone number. I don’t want to call back here again. I am overseas and it is too expensive and have been wasting too much of my time and money already!”

    Me: “But they’re closed. It’s 7:30 on a Friday night! And—”

    Caller: “So do it on Monday morning! But do it first thing and call me as soon as possible.”

    Me: “And I don’t even work in accounts!”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “I don’t work there. There I do not work. Work there, I do not. I am a student. I am not responsible for helping you find out about your son. They don’t pay my wages. I don’t work in accounts! This is not an accounts office!”

    Caller: “You… don’t work for accounts?”

    Me: *relieved* “Yes! That’s what I’ve been trying to say!”


    (He hangs up. Another coworker walks in to find me still gaping at the receiver.)

    Coworker #2: “You look like you need a drink.”

    Me: “You have no idea.”

    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 14
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 13
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 12

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