It’s Hard (Liquor) To Feed Family

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(A man comes into our store to steal. My coworker confronts him.)

Coworker: “Sir, you’re going to have to put that back.”

Customer: “I don’t have anything.”

Coworker: “I saw you put that bottle of brandy in your jacket.”

Customer: *puts bottle back* “You don’t understand. I need to feed my kids.”

Coworker: “…with brandy?”

The ‘Mocha Chocolate’ Is Just The Cream On Top

| USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I am a customer in a small local coffee shop next to a hospital. A woman in scrubs acting important cuts in front of me but being early and a regular I let it slide. She starts to order:)

Customer: “Give me a tall grande skinny chocolate mocha frappe soy latte with cream.”

Barista: “What was that order?”

Customer: “Uh…” *repeats something different*

Barista: “What size; we have small and large.”

Customer: “What about tall grande skinny did you not understand?”

Barista: “So that is a large mocha latte with whipped cream?”

Customer: “No, that’s chocolate mocha!”

Barista: “Chocolate and mocha are the same thing.”

(At this point I laugh and the customer turns and glares at me.)

Customer: “Fine, just make it.”

(The barista does so.)

Barista: “Should I close the lid or are you going to add cream?”

Customer: “Why would you ask that?”

Barista: “I wouldn’t want it to spill.”

Customer: “Just give it to me.”

(She pays and leaves, the barista is just shaking his head. I step up trying not to laugh and hand over my travel cup and cash.)

Me: “What in the world was she actually trying to order?”

Barista: “I don’t even know!”

Needs More Data On Data

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Technology

Caller: “Why is my mobile bill $900?”

Me: “By the looks of it you’ve gone over your data by about 15GB.”

Caller: “HOW WOULD THAT HAPPEN? I DON’T USE THE INTERNET!”

Me: “Do you use any apps on your phone?”

Caller: “I let my son watch YouTube so he’s quiet.”

Me: “You do realise YouTube uses data?”

Caller: “No one told me that! I don’t want to pay for this bill!”

It’s Oui-Si To Understand

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

Customer: “I want to order something off the menu, but everything is really hard to say and I don’t speak Spanish.”

(We’re a French restaurant, with the word ‘French’ in our name.)

Get The Name Right Or You’re Going To Have Kittens

| France | Pets & Animals

(I’m the stupid customer in this story. I’m phoning a veterinarian for the very first time in my life.)

Receptionist: “Hello.”

Me: “Hello. May I have an appointment this week, please?”

Receptionist: “Why, exactly?”

Me: “I just adopted a kitten and I’d like to make sure everything’s all right, to know about vaccinations and so on, you see?”

Receptionist: “All right. What about Wednesday at 10?”

Me: “That’s okay for me.”

Receptionist: “What’s the name?”

Me: “My name or the cat’s name?”

(I realize I just asked a really stupid question – as if the cat was going to enter and say her name!)

Receptionist: “Your name.”

(I really felt stupid…)

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