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    His Assumption Is Not On The Money

    | West Allis, WI, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Money

    (I’m a legal secretary at a law firm, and I answer a call.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [Law Firm]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. You guys handle bankruptcies, right?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Caller: “Oh good. So, I think I need to file bankruptcy…”

    (The caller explains his financial situation.)

    Me: “Okay, I can go ahead and schedule an appointment with an attorney for a free consultation if you’d like.”

    Caller: “Yes, let’s do that. I just have a question, though. What would the cost be?”

    Me: “It would be [attorney's fee] plus costs.”

    Caller: “And I pay that after it’s all finished, right? I don’t pay anything up front?”

    Me: “Actually, you have to pay one-third of the fee up front.”

    Caller: “What! But I just explained that I have no money! That’s the whole point! Why do I have to pay up front?”

    Me: “Well, because if we allowed that, then clients would just cut and run once the bankruptcy is concluded, and we end up paying the cost of the case ourselves. It’s happened too many times before. It’s just our policy now.”

    Caller: *trying to sound sweet* “It’s such a shame that a few bad apples have ruined the process for everyone else.”

    Me: “Yes, it really is.”

    (Long pause.)

    Caller: “So, can I pay after the bankruptcy is concluded?”

    Me: “… No.”

    Caller: “D*** it! What’s the point?!” *hangs up*

    Can Make Your Head Swim

    | Stevens Point, WI, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (At the call center I work at we get weird calls from people testing out the service all the time. Some include random trivia questions, about random subjects. We have to answer all questions seriously and try to get sources if we can.)

    Me: “Thank you for contacting [Company] Concierge. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, I have a question.”

    (At this point I see he is calling in from Texas.)

    Me: “Certainly, I’ll do my best to answer any question you may have.”

    Customer: “Well, this is a serious question. Are you sure?”

    Me: “Anything at all. No need to be shy. What’s the question?”

    Customer: “Well… um… can deer swim?”

    Me: “Let me check for you, sir… Well, sir, I found a YouTube video of a deer swimming, and I’m watching it right now. So, yes. Deer can swim.”

    Customer: “For real?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, deer can swim.”

    Customer: “I just don’t believe it. I need to see it myself. Can you send me a link to that video?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. It will just take a second as I send that.”

    Customer: *slightly muffled* “Honey, sounds like deer can swim. I know. I can’t believe it.”

    Charlie Is Barely Barley, Bizarrely

    | Canada | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (We interact with customers over the phone, and sometimes have to spell things out for them, so for clarity’s sake, we are encouraged to memorize and use the NATO phonetics to spell when needed. A as in Alpha, B as in Bravo…)

    Me: “Okay, please type this in: C for Charlie—”

    Customer: “B for barley?”

    (So much for clarity!)

    The Service Industry Can Drive You Crazy

    | Tilton, NH, USA | Bizarre

    (We wear headsets at my work place to hear each other across the store. I tend to talk to myself while I put away clothes or tidy up, i.e. ‘Where do you go? How did you get on the floor?’ etc. This all happens over our headsets.)

    Manager: “So we just got a customer complaint that one of the girls putting away clothes was talking to herself.”

    Coworker: “Seriously?”

    Manager: “Seriously. This is not a joke.”

    Me: “So, that was me.”

    Coworker: “Great job, [My Name]. Way to scare the customers!”

    (Now every time I talk to myself at work, we joke that I should be careful or else someone will complain.)

    Adding Gallons Of Fuel To The Fire

    | MI, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Transportation

    (I work at a gas station that doesn’t require customers to prepay for gas. And yes, the pumps do display the number of gallons a customer pumps.)

    Me: “Hi! Were you on pump two?”

    Customer: “How many gallons did I pump?”

    Me: “I can’t figure that out until you pay. I can print you out a receipt if you would like.”

    Customer: “I just want to know how many gallons I pumped!”

    Me: “I can’t tell you right now, but if you pay the $52.70 I can give you the receipt and it will say the amount you pumped.”

    Customer: “WHY THE H*** CAN’T YOU TELL ME THE GALLONS?!”

    Me: “I can get a calculator and divide the amount you owe by the price of gas, but it would be faster if you paid and I got you a receipt.”

    Customer: *angrily throws money on the counter and walks out*

    Me: *before he even reaches the door I have the receipt printed* “IT WAS FOURTEEN POINT TWO EIGHT GALLONS, SIR!”

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