(I’m working the drive thru at a coffee shop.)

Customer: “I’d like a mocha.”

Me: “Certainly, what size on that?”

Customer: *screaming* “MOCHA!!!”

Me: “All right, go ahead and pull forward…”

(The customer approaching the seafood counter is an older male with a VFW hat and an American flag patch on his coat.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want some white shrimp.”

Me: “Raw or cooked?”

Customer: “Raw.”

(I lead the customer over to our raw case and continue talking as he starts reading the tags. It’s dead winter, so all our white shrimp are from warm South East Asian countries.)

Me: “We keep our raw shrimp over here. What size would you—”

Customer: “White shrimp! I want WHITE shrimp! Not from any of these raggedy-a** countries.”

Me: *speechless*

(I work at a pharmacy and we are very busy, causing a few customers having to wait. The last woman in line finally steps up.)

Me: “I apologize for your wait. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Does your name tag say your name is Kat?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Did you have some crazy new age parents or something? Why would they name you after an animal? That’s just dumb! You should have a good sturdy name, like mine!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I need a refill.”

Me: “Of course. Can I get your date of birth?”

Customer: *gives me her date of birth* “And the prescription is under Birdie.”

Me: “Okay, it’s put in and will be ready in 15 minutes.”

Customer: “Thank you. I’m sorry you have such a foolish name.”

Pharmacist: “Did that woman just tell you your name was foolish and complain about people with “animal” names?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Pharmacist: “But her name was Birdie…”

(I overhear a little boy around five years old asking his mother for lots of expensive toys.)

Mother: “We can’t afford six. Just pick one and put the rest back.”

Boy: “Just tell daddy to stop drinking beer this month!”

(A customer who doesn’t have an account wishes to cash a check drawn on the bank. However, because it’s a very large check, I am unable to complete the transaction without speaking to the maker of the check.)

Customer: *angry* “Give me something that says you can’t negotiate this check!”

Me: “I don’t have any kind of declined transaction form. Here’s your check back.”

(As I attempt to explain, the customer becomes more and more hostile.)

Customer: “I’d better speak to the vice president, or I’m calling the police!”

(I call the police.)

Me: “Okay, they’re on their way.”

Customer: *confused* “…who is?”

Me: “The police.”

Customer: *scared* “Wait, I didn’t say to call the police!”

Related:
Be Careful What You Ask For

(A customer is sent back to my department to find ink for her printer.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Do you need black or color?”

Customer: “I need cayenne.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know which color you mean. We have cyan; that’s a light blue.”

Customer: “No, I need cayenne. You know, like a peppery red.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t believe we have that color.”

(The customer bends over to get a closer look at the ink.)

Customer: “Hmmm, margarine.” *looking at the magenta* “Yellow…I don’t see cayenne.”

Me: “Are you sure you don’t mean cyan? It kinda sounds like cayenne.”

Customer: “No, I need red. My printer is out of red. Why wouldn’t you carry red ink?!” *walks out of the store before I can explain further*

(I am in the concessions stand selling nachos.)

Me: “Do you want jalapeños?”

Customer: “Yes! Why is jalapeños pronounced like it has an ‘h’ in the beginning?”

Me: “I believe it’s a Spanish word.”

Customer: *indignant* “Well, I don’t really care.”

Small child: “Mommy! I just saw a fish that was as big as Aunt Karen!”

Mom: “There is NO fish that’s as big as Aunt Karen.”

Related:
Size Matters, Part 6
Size Matters, Part 5
Size Matters, Part 4
Size Matters, Part 3
Size Matters, Part 2
Size Matters