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    Closing Time Is Not In Their Books

    | Denver, CO, USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling the Student Center. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: *sighs* “When the h*** does the bookstore close?”

    Me: “Let”s see… The bookstore closes at 5:00 pm, sir.”

    Customer: “Then why the h*** didn’t they pick up their phone?! I’ve called four times!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it is now 5:47, so the bookstore has been closed for nearly 50 minutes. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Well, why the f*** aren’t they open until 6:30?! This is bull-s***!”

    Me: “Well, sir, I believe the bookstore has shortened store hours. They will resume normal hours in September. I apologize if this has caused any inconvenience.”

    Customer: *breathing heavily and getting worked up* “Well, transfer me to the manager. Jesus Christ!”

    Me: “Upon looking online, sir, I see that the manager does not have a direct line. I am sorry, you will have to call the bookstore during normal business hours.”

    Customer: “WELL, THE WEBSITE IS WRONG!” *hangs up*

    Won’t Be Seen But Definitely Heard

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (A call comes in a little after 4 pm:)

    Customer: “How do I get to your office? We were up by [Hospital] and we didn’t see your building…”

    Me: “Ah, we’re actually not near them. But I can get you here from there!”

    (I then give them the most complete directions I can for a trip that should only take perhaps fifteen minutes at the most. They thank me and ask if we will be able to see them that day. I assure them that as long as they can get here before five, we can. I’m under the impression that they will only be a few minutes. As time goes on and they don’t show up I assume they have just decided ‘forget it; I’ll go home.’ At a few minutes after five, before I have a chance to even lock the doors for the evening, a troop of three people walk in: our lost patient, expecting that she can get in that day.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m so sorry, but we’re actually closed—”

    (The customer’s husband shouts over me, loud enough that the nurses later tell me they could hear him.)

    Customer’s Husband: “No! Don’t you listen to her. She told you you could get in! You said she could get seen today!”

    Me: *trying to keep my temper* “Actually, sir, what I said was as long as you came in before five pm we could see you.” *to his wife* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but as we’re closed for the day you’ll have to reschedule.”

    Customer’s Husband: “No! YOU SAID SHE COULD BE SEEN TODAY! DON’T YOU LISTEN TO HER. YOU’RE GONNA BE SEEN!”

    Me: *deciding I can’t fight stupid* “Let me go check with the doctor, and see if we can fit you in.”

    (When I got back to the nurse’s station, I managed to catch the doctor coming out of the last patient’s room, and upon explaining the situation he agreed – we wouldn’t bend the rules. When I got back up front to explain the situation, the lady was very polite and understanding, willing to reschedule her appointment to later the next week, while her husband stood back behind her declaring the whole time that we would be seeing her that day because we had said we would. That was the only time I’ve ever had someone argue the closing time with me, and I really hope it doesn’t happen again.)

    Praying For That Lightbulb Moment

    | MN, USA | Bizarre, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a retail store that generally closes before all the other ones around us. At this moment we have just a few minutes before close and I am back in my department, which is empty, when a customer whom I watched enter just 30 seconds before comes up to me.)

    Me: “How can I help you tonight?”

    Customer: “I need a lightbulb.”

    Me: “Well, that would be in our light—”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. I NEED a LIGHTBULB!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have lightbulbs in this department. But if you’ll let me direct you to—”

    Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me. Where are the d*** lightbulbs, kid?!”

    (The announcer goes off, saying we are now closed, and I’m trying to be as polite as possible.)

    Customer: “F****** people are f****** closed now! You people need to get your s*** together before you f****** close on a paying customer! I’m never coming back here!”

    (I tell my coworker about the lady that night. He finds me during my shift the next day.)

    Coworker: “Hey, did that lady happen to have [color] hair and a [color] purse with her?”

    Me: “Yeah, why?”

    Coworker: “She came back this morning. Apparently she knew exactly where they were. And she was very disappointed to discover they weren’t by the gummy worms.”

    Will Not Be Moved

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Family & Kids, Geeks Rule

    (I’m working the register at a grocery store when a mother and her 10-year-old son start unloading their cart. As I’m finishing with the customer before them, I hear the boy continually trying to finish his mother’s sentences, occasionally getting them right and prompting her to say, ‘Hey! Stop predicting the future!’ Their turn comes up and we exchange the usual greeting pleasantries. I address the boy.)

    Me: “So you’re trying to tell the future, huh?”

    Boy: *matter-of-factly* “Uh-huh! I’m trying to learn all kinds of stuff, like telepathy and telekinesis.”

    (I happen to be Pagan with some mystic friends who taught me a few tricks. Plus, despite being a humanities major, I spent a good deal of college reading up on quantum theory.)

    Me: “Well, you know the secret to telling the future, right?”

    Boy: “Um…”

    Me: “It’s not about seeing the future, it’s remembering the future.”

    Boy: “Huh?”

    (I explain to him the theory that all time happens at once but the human brain only perceives it as moving in one direction, meaning the future is already here and we just don’t remember it yet.)

    Me: “So what you’ve got to do in the future is bundle up what you’re trying to remember and send it back in time to yourself. I’ve been training myself to do it for years and now I can sort of remember emotions from situations I haven’t experienced yet. It’s a good thing you’re starting so young. Maybe by the time you’re my age you’ll be able to remember words, too!”

    Boy: “… I think I’ll stick to learning telekinesis.”

    Me: “Ah, that’s slightly trickier. What you have to do there is learn how to mentally manipulate the electromagnetic attraction between certain objects.”

    Boy: “… Never mind, then.”

    (As they left, the mother was chuckling to herself and the boy looked both confused and dejected. Hopefully he had better luck with telepathy!)

    Do Not Not Speak(er) The Same Language

    | Scunthorpe, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Money, Technology

    Customer: “I’ve bought some car speakers and fitted them, but now there’s no sound from my stereo. Do you know what it might be?”

    Me: “I think you should go to the people you bought the speakers from and ask their advice. They’ve made money from you!”

    Customer: “I have, but they want to charge me!”

    Me: “And you think I don’t?!”

    (He left.)

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