(I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)

Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “The one he made in ‘85.”

Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”

Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”

(This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)

Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”

Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”

Me: “How did a dead man play it?”

Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”

(My office offers a class required by the state for divorcing couples with kids under 18.)

Me: “And how many children under the age of 18 do you currently support?”

Customer: “See, that’s where I’m confused.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, I’m pregnant, but we don’t have any other kids.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just write down one for our records.”

Customer: “Okay, does my husband have to take the class too?”

Me: “Yes, both parties are required to take the class.”

Customer: “…even if I’m not sure if it’s his kid?”

Me: “Hi, How are you?”

Customer: “Good, how are you?”

Me: “I’m good. Do you have an Air miles card?”

Customer: “Yes, Yes I do.”

(He hands me a card that is well-worn and falling apart.)

Customer: “It’s really old, but it still works well. My god does it ever work well.” *creepy look*

(The customer pays and leaves, all the while staring at me very creepily. About two minutes later, he comes back into the store, returns to my line, looks at me right in the eye, and says…)

Customer: “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

Customer: “I want two tickets to Precious.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t come out in this state until the 20th. It only opened limited in a few states today, but no theater in North Carolina will get it until November 20th.”

Customer: “I looked on the website! It said you had it!”

Me: “Please come inside to the customer service counter.”

(I pull up our website and the Precious movie website.)

Me: “See, both sites say that it doesn’t open here until the 20th. Sorry about the mix up.”

Customer: “But Oprah said it would be playing!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but Oprah has no control over our movie schedules.”

Customer: “Oprah controls EVERYTHING!”

Me: “Good afternoon, [music store].”

Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for sheet music to a song called ‘Beautiful Star of Bethlehem’.”

Me: “I don’t think we have it in stock, but we might be able to order it for you. ”

Caller: “Can you deliver it to me?”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t offer that service. How about I give you a website to go to? You can probably order it from them and have it shipped to your home?”

Caller: “Okay, what’s the website?”

Me: “Sheetmusicplus.com.”

Caller: “Sheetmusic.com?”

Me: “No, Sheetmusicplus.com.”

Caller: “Oh, Sheetmusic.com?”

Me: “No, SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Sheetmusic.com.”

Me: “No. SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

Caller: “How do you spell that?”

Me: *I spell it out*

Caller: “P-O-U-S?”

Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

Caller: “Oh, P-O-U-S?”

Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

Me: “No. L as in Larry.”

Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

Caller: “How do you spell ‘com’?”

Me: “C-O-M.”

Caller: “C-L-N?”

Me: “No, C-O-M.”

Caller: “Okay, Sheetmusic.com. Thank you very much! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Me: “Hello, [pet hotel], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I have five or six of these stray cats that keep coming in my yard. Can you come take care of them?”

Me: “No sir, you would need animal control to help you with that. Would you like me to give you their number?”

Caller: “But they’re killing my wife’s flowers! Why can’t you just come get them?”

Me: “Sir, we’re a boarding facility, we watch peoples’ pets for them. We don’t take strays.”

(The caller argues for the next ten minutes before finally hanging up. About two minutes later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Hello, [pet hotel], how may I help you?”

Same caller: “Yeah, I have six cats that I need to board…”

(I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using
‘the Force’* “Whoosh!”

(The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”

(I am filling out a fraudulent charge claim for a customer.)

Customer: “There’s a charge on my statement for some medical thing and I never bought it.”

(Note: the ‘medical thing’ is for ‘male enhancement’.)

Me: “Okay, we can go ahead and file a fraud claim for you. So, just to verify, you never purchased anything from this company, correct?”

Customer: “I never got anything from them!”

Me: “Okay, so you purchased it, but you didn’t receive it?”

Customer: “Well, it didn’t work! Not that I need it.”

Me: “Okay, so you did receive it?”

Customer: “No! I didn’t order it! I don’t need it! And it didn’t work!”

Me: “Sir, you have to pick one. You didn’t order it, you didn’t receive it, or it didn’t work. But it has to be one; it can’t be all three.”

Customer: “All of them!”

Customer: “Your bird bit my kid.”

Me: “Well, the birds can’t reach their beaks through the cages. Did your son have his finger in the cage?”

Customer: “Yeah. Well, there’s nothing telling you not to.”

Me: “Sometimes they get scared when you poke your fingers into their cages, and the only way they know how to tell you is to nip you.”

Child: “Oh, okay. I bet he was just scared.”

Customer: “You should put up some signs in here telling people your birds bite!”

(I show the customer the signs posted on each and every bird cage asking customers not to poke fingers into the cages as the birds may bite, as well as the additional two on the doors entering the bird room.)

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid! How do you know I can read?”

Related:
Bird Brained
Bird Brained, Part 2
Bird Brained, Part 3
Bird Brained, Part 4

Me: “This is [name of office]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Where are you calling from?”

Me: “You’ve reached [name of office]. How may help you?”

Customer: “Who is this?”

Me: “My name is [name]. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Why are you calling?”

Me: “Ma’am, you called me.”

Customer: “Yeah, somebody called me.”

Me: “Alright, what is your name?”

Customer: “That ain’t none of your business!”

Me: “Ma’am, without your name, it is impossible for me to find out who called you.”

Customer: “THEN I GUESS YOU’LL NEVER KNOW!” *hangs up*