Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite TV company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I need to talk to one of your supervisors. His name is Greg.”

Me: “Well ma’am, I can’t transfer you to any particular supervisor since there are over forty of them in the building. But I’m sure I can help you.”

Caller: “Is this the call center in Utah?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s the one in Nebraska. The one in Utah takes over at midnight.”

Caller: “Well, I knew Greg when I lived in Utah and he said he worked for you. I just moved down to Texas. And I really need to get hold of him, but he’s not answering. So, transfer me to Greg.”

Me: “Like I said ma’am, I can’t transfer you to a specific supervisor, but I’m sure I can help you.”

Caller: “No, you can’t!”

Me: “Well, I can try.”

Caller: “Trust me, you can’t!”

Me: “Well, why not, ma’am?”

Caller: “I’M PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!”

Me: “Oh…I see.”

Me: “Okay, your total will be $**.”

Customer: *pays with card*

Me: “May I see ID, please? Your card is not signed.”

Customer: “No! That’s an invasion of privacy. I don’t want you to know my name and try to find me online.”

Me: “It’s company policy. I’m on camera, and your name is on here anyway.”

Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

Me: “I am the manager.”

Customer: “Fine! I don’t want any random friend requests!”

Me: “I’ll fight the urge, I promise.”

(Customer comes in to buy some more mice because hers aren’t breeding.)

Customer: “How do you tell if the mice are male or female?”

Me: “Well, the easiest way to tell is the males have quite prominent testicles.”

Customer: “I didn’t know mice had testicles!”

Me: “That’s probably why your mice aren’t breeding.”

(A younger teenager comes into the store with his dad.)

Customer: “My teacher says I need to get a book for school.”

Me: “What’s the title?”

Customer: “I think it was something like ‘Col-ij-it’. Yeah, that’s definitely it.”

Me: “How would you spell it?”

Customer: “C, O, L, I, J, I, T?”

(I search, and nothing comes up.)

Me: “Do you know the author?”

Customer: “I know it was a girl. Maybe like Maryanne? Something like that?”

Me: “Do you mean you need a Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary?”

Customer: “I don’t know, but I’m not going to college or anything.”

(A customer calls in to report his cellphone as stolen 3 weeks earlier while he was on vacation in Vietnam. He had just received a bill for a few thousand dollars for international usage. I asked if I could put him on hold while I checked into his problem. I used the time to confirm the billed calls from Vietnam were to numbers from previous bills; numbers he called all the time. I looked up his to see where the phone was currently registering and was unsurprised to find it registered to a US cell tower. I decided to call it.)

Me: “Hello sir, this is [name] from [service provider]. We were just having a conversation about this phone being lost on your other line. You do realize that what you are attempting to do is fraud? Given the amount of money involved it would be considered a felony.”

Customer Cell Phone: *click*

Landline: *click*

(I dialed into his voicemail and left a very detailed message about prompt payment and made copious notes on the account. The account was paid in full and on time.)

(A very intoxicated guest walks in at night.)

Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

Guest: “I lost the key to my room.”

Me: “Do you have your photo ID?”

Guest: “No, I lost it. My room number is 4321.”

(Our highest room number is 558.)

Me: “What is the name on the room?”

Guest: “Jack. Jack Bauer.”

Me: “We don’t have a Mr. Bauer staying with us tonight.”

Guest: “That’s ridiculous! Jack Bauer fights terrorism everywhere! All the time!”

(An irate customer comes flying through the door and slams a soaking wet, dead hamster on the counter. I recognize her as a woman I had sold a hamster to an hour ago.)

Me: “Oh my goodness what happened?!”

Customer: “I took this hamster home and he didn’t even live 10 minutes!”

Me: “Why is he all wet?”

Customer: “From being in the aquarium! He swam for awhile, but then he just dropped dead!

Me: “I’m sorry, are you telling me you put him in an aquarium full of water?”

Customer: “You told me hamsters can live in aquariums! You said I didn’t need to buy a cage specifically for hamsters!”

Me: “Hamsters can live in an aquarium, but not in water! When you were picking him out didn’t you notice the others are in empty aquariums with bedding?”

Customer: “You told me he could live in an aquarium! I demand a new hamster! One that is alive!”

Me: “I really don’t think any of our animals are going to work out for you.”

Swimmer: “Could you please close the doors? There’s a draft coming into the pool.”

Me: “Sure.”

(After closing the pool, a customer watching her child swim calls me over.)

Mother: “Could you please leave the doors open? I’m claustrophobic.”

Me: “Of course!”

(After opening the doors again, the swimmer talks to me.)

Swimmer: “Why are the doors open?”

Me: “A customer here is claustrophobic, and asked me to leave the doors open.”

Swimmer: *yelling angrily* “What’s more important, her claustrophobia, or my comfort?”