It Depends On The Size Of Your Tubes

| Portsmouth, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, how can I help?”

Call Center: “I want a new computer. My current one is Windows 95.”

Me: “Well, the current version is Windows 7.”

Call Center: “What about the modem? If I buy a new hard drive, would it make my computer have internet?”

Me: “You would need to add a modem if you wanted to just plug the phone line into the computer. Most internet providers supply you with an external modem as part of their service.”

Call Center: “Well, I have a external hard drive. Could I plug the internet into that?

Me: “It doesn’t work that way. You need a computer to connect to the internet.”

Call Center: “Can’t I just download the internet onto my external hard drive?”

Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

| Manchester, UK | Top

Me: “Hello sir, how can I help?”

Customer: “I want to make a complaint about the lady who just served my wife. She is 8 months pregnant. When she came to pay, the checkout girl didn’t offer to help with the packing. She let my wife struggle!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. It’s store policy to ask if the customer needs help with the packing. Do you have the receipt so I can see who served her?”

(I walk over to the till and show the checkout girl the receipt. She explains what happened. I return to the customer.)

Me: “Hi sir, the checkout girl explained that your wife was on her phone at the till. She asked a few times if she needed help packing but she didn’t answer. I’m confident we did all we could to help.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not good enough. I want some money back on the shopping for the poor service. My wife is pregnant and in a lot of pain and had to struggle on her own. No one helped her.”

Me: “This receipt is from a few minutes ago. Can I ask where you were?”

Customer: “I sat in the car waiting for her to come back. What’s that got to do with anything?”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

That Would Be A Mis-Steak

| Adelaide, Australia | Uncategorized

Customer: “Does this honey baked ham contain real honey?”

Me: “Yes, it’s a honey glaze.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t get it then. It was for my daughter, she’s vegan. She can’t have honey, as she doesn’t believe in eating any animal products.”

Drives You Round The U-Bend

| Big Rapids, MI, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “The fish tank I have is really dirty and starting to smell, so I want to clean it but someone told me that I can’t use tap water in a fish tank.”

Me: “Yeah, you either have to get spring water or buy a bottle of water conditioner, and just add that to the tap water.”

Customer: “Oh. What if I use toilet water instead of tap water?”

It’s Also A One-Way Trip

| Netherlands | Uncategorized

Me: “*** Post Office, can I help you?”

Customer: “I would like to get God’s address.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have an actual address for God.”

Customer: “But how can you know where to deliver letters to God without an address?”

Me: “We deliver them to the church down the street.”

Customer: “So you are telling me you don’t actually deliver the letters to God himself?”

Me: “Um, no.”

Customer: “I cannot believe you lie to all these people and deliver those letters to some crappy church!! I need my letter to be delivered to God directly! I hate you!”

Me: “I am very sorry, sir. I guess you’ll have to go deliver the letter yourself. But look on the bright side, it saves you a postal stamp!”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess so.” *click*

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