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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Shove It Up Your Asana

    | Reykjavik, Iceland |

    Customer: “I’d like to have this book.” *holding a yoga book about relaxation with discount sticker on it*

    Me: “I’m sorry sir. There seems to have been a mistake here. The book is to be sold at full price. The sticker was put on it by mistake.”

    Customer: *A bit frustrated* “Can I get a discount anyway?”

    Me: “I’ll see what I can do.” *trying to change the price in the
    register*
    “…I’m sorry. This book has a locked price.”

    Customer: “Well, shove it up your a**hole then!” *storms out*

    Why Super-Sizing Isn’t Always A Good Idea

    | San Diego, CA | Top

    Customer: “I’ll get an espresso.”

    (after receiving the espresso)

    Customer: “I’m not paying $2.50 for this…fill up the cup!”

    Me: “Sir, you will literally die…”

    Dude, That Must Be Some Strong Weed

    | Chicago, USA |

    (Early 1970′s. I make a key for a guy who lost car keys in the mall parking lot.)

    Me: “Well, that will be $10.00 for the key and labor but another key will be only 79 cents.”

    Customer: “Ah, no man, I need my money to get my weed.”

    (A week later, same deal. I have to go out in the rain and make the same guy another key.)

    Me: “Well I’m sure that now you will get an extra key?”

    Customer: “Ah, no man, I need my money to get my weed.”

    (Well I can spot a trend, so I make another key anyway and hang it up in the shop.)

    (Over the next 6 months he is back a dozen times and I just copy the key hanging in the shop and charge him for the lockwork and the key. He never buys a second key.)

    (I guess the weed finally got him.)

    A Good Time To Excuse Yourself

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Top

    (This conversation between a Returns Employee and a customer was overheard by me and others.)

    Employee: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would like to return this.” (Heaves a large propane tank, the kind used for barbecue grills onto the counter.)

    Employee: “Why?”

    Customer: “It’s leaking.”

    (At this point me, 4 managers, the employee, 2 other customers, and 3 other employees all within earshot, slowly turn their heads towards the leaking tank careful not to make any sudden movements.)

    The IQ Is Weak In This One

    | Ontario, Canada | Top

    Me: “Congratulations! Because you’ve spent over $30 on our beauty products you can receive a complimentary tote bag. Would you like it in black or brown?”

    Customer: “What’s a tote bag?”

    Me: (holds up bag) “It’s a bag. Rather large…you can put things in it…it comes in black or brown.”

    Customer: “Oh well, that’s nifty isn’t it?”

    Me: “Yes it is ma’am. Would you like it in black or brown?”

    Customer: “How much does that cost?”

    Me: “Normally, $14.99 but yours is complimentary because you spent over $30 on beauty products.”

    Customer: “Oh, well I wouldn’t pay $15 on that!”

    Me: “You don’t have to pay for it.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    (Other customers are beginning to become aggravated by this woman’s stupidity so I call up Ashley, another cashier.)

    Me: “…because it’s complimentary.”

    Customer: “Oh, why’d you call up Ashley?”

    Me: “Because the other customers are waiting.”

    Customer: “Waiting for what?”

    Me: “Waiting to pay for their items. Now would you like your free bag or not?”

    Customer: “I don’t like your tone, young lady!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I’m just a little late for my break. Now, would you like your FREE tote bag?”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s free?”

    (This exchange went on for about ten more minutes, as the woman had to go through about five different cards until she found one she could use…making me fifteen minutes late for my fifteen minute break. Rest assured, she eventually learned the meaning of complimentary.)

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