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  • Crime Can Be A Vicious Cycle
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    The Honest Crook

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I work in the music section of a bookstore. One day, we caught one of our regulars shoplifting and banned him. The very next day, he walks in as if nothing happened.)

    Me: “Dude, you aren’t allowed to be here. You were banned.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “You stole a CD from me.”

    Customer: “But I gave it back!”

    After The Tornado, Dorothy Never Was Quite The Same

    | High Desert, CA, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Old Woman: “Well?”

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Old Woman: “Are they here?”

    Me: “Are what here? Glasses? Contacts?”

    Old Woman: “MY GLASSES GOD D**N IT!”

    Me: “I’ll be happy to check. What is your last name?”

    Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

    Me: “Dorothy is your LAST name?”

    Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

    Me: “And your first name?”

    Old Woman: “Dorothy.”

    Me: “Okay, so your name is Dorothy Dorothy. Got it.”

    Whoever Blinks First Loses

    | Clarksville, TN, USA |

    (It was Christmas time, and we were all extra weary of credit card fraud, so we were required to check IDs with all credit card purchases.)

    Me: “The total is $17.88.”

    (Customer pulls out a credit card.)

    Me: “Will that be credit or debit?”

    Customer: “Credit.”

    Me: “Alright. Do you mind if I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What if I do mind?”

    Me: “Then we’re at a stalemate.”

    (I fold my arms, and look at her straight in the eyes.)

    Good, Because Beagles Don’t Like Fridges

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (This guy with a thick Bosnian accent comes up to me.)

    Customer: “I am looking for beekels.”

    Me: “Beekels?”

    Customer: “Okay…”

    (I show him where are the bagels are.)

    Customer: “No, Not bread. Beekles.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “The kind you put in fridge.”

    Me: “Oh.”

    (I go to the freezers and show him the frozen bagels.)

    Customer: “NO! NOT BREAD! BEEKLES!”

    Me: “I can’t…I don’t know…uh…”

    (He walks away. A few Aisles away he sees it and picks up.)

    Customer: “This is what I was looking for.”

    Me: “Oh, pickles…”

    Fun Things To Do On Your Last Day

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (My friend worked in the phone service department of an undergarment company. One day he got a call from an unhappy woman. We’ll call him David.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to see why my order hasn’t arrived yet.”

    David: “Could you please give me some information about your order?”

    (The customer then goes on to inform him that her gargantuan pair of panties designated by untold numbers of X’s have yet to arrive and she’s very upset.)

    David: “Well you see ma’am, the cargo plane that your panties were on lost power and the pilot had to use them to parachute to safety.”

    (The customer did not have a sense of humor. David was promptly fired. True Story.)

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