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  • Must Be From The Valley

    | Catalina Island, CA, USA |

    (Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

    Me: “Hotel *****, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

    Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive.”

    Customer: “Oh, no, were not coming by boat.”

    Me: “Okay, helicopter then?”

    Customer: “Oh no, that’s silly.”

    Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here.”

    Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

    Customer: “You can’t?”

    Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

    Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

    Me: *headdesk*

    Must Be From Orange County

    Last Line Says It All

    | Sarasota, FL, USA |

    Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.”

    Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?”

    Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?”

    Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.”

    Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?”

    Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower.

    Customer: “Which one is that?”

    Me: “The big box on the ground…the thing you put CDs into.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay hang on…it’s still not working.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

    Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.”

    Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?”

    Customer: “How can I tell?”

    Me: “Pick up your keyboard.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?”

    Customer: “How can I tell?”

    Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?”

    Customer: “No I just see an arrow move.”

    Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.”

    (Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.)

    D For Dumb Enough To Deserve A Drink

    | Indiana, USA |

    (I work as a bouncer in a bar and check all IDs at the door. Indiana IDs don’t include a middle name, just an initial.)

    Me: “What’s your full name?”

    Customer: “Joe D. Smith.”

    Me: “What’s your middle name?”

    Customer: “DANGER!”

    (I let him in.)

    It Cuts Both Ways

    | Middlesbrough, UK |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.”

    Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?”

    Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.”

    Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…”

    Man: “Look, I bought this camera about 6 weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.”

    Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

    Man: “So get someone who can!”

    (I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.)

    Manager: “Good afternoon, Sir. **** has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right, we can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.”

    Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?”

    Manager: “Let me ask you this–if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?”

    Man: “Of course not, I’m not stupid!”

    Manager: “And neither am I, Sir. Good day!”

    Mind Games With The Mindless

    | Littleton, CO, USA |

    (I work in a few different departments, so it’s not uncommon for me to see the same customer twice…)

    Me: “How are you today, folks?”

    Man: “We’re just fine.”

    (We chat for a moment, then I walk 20 feet over to our paint counter. About 5 minutes passes and the same customer passes me.)

    Man: “You know, you look like the guy that talked to us over in fitness.”

    Me: *grinning* “Yes sir, that was my stunt double.”

    (The man walks away with a confused look on his face.)

    Coworker: “You know, you’d really blow his mind if you met him at the front door.”

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