Unable To Order, Drunken Disorder

| Alberta, Canada | Hotels & Lodging, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you this evening?”

Customer: *visibly intoxicated* “I need a room.”

(After arguing with her for a good ten minutes about the cost per night, the customer settles on a standard room. A few hours later, she calls.)

Me: “Front desk.”

Customer: “My phone isn’t working.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Customer: “Girl I am sure! My phone is not working.”

Me: “Is it not working when you are trying to dial out? Make sure you’re pressing ‘9’ before you dial the number you’re trying to reach.”

Customer: “No, I know that! I read that. It’s not working. No dial tone, nothing.”

Me: “Ma’am, aren’t you calling me from the room phone?”

*Silence for a moment.*

Customer: “While I’ve got you on here, can you order me ribs?”

Me: “From the restaurant next door?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not required to do that. The number for the restaurant is in your guest directory found in the drawer of the desk in your room.”

Customer: “But my phone isn’t working!”

No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4

| Ohio, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

(After unlocking the caller’s account and beginning to explain when it can be used.)

Me: “Okay, sir. The account will be unlocked in a half hour.”

Caller: “Okay, I’m in Florida, where y’all located?”

Me: “Sir, we are in Ohio.”

Caller: “Okay. So is that 30 minutes Central or 30 minutes Eastern?”

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude

Unconcentrated Juice

| Springfield, MO, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant name]. My name is Julie and I’ll be talking care of you today. What may I get you to drink?"

Customer: “Where am I?!”

Customer’s Daughter: “She’ll have a vodka on the rocks…straight.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Who are you?! Where’s my juice?!”

Me: “Um…” *looks at customer, then back at the daughter* “Are you sure?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Trust me, the vodka is the only thing that shuts her up.”

(I bring them the vodka.)

Customer: “Who are you!? My juice is funny!”

(3 vodkas later.)

Me: “How was your meal, ladies?”

Customer: “You smell nice. And you have good juice.”

Not Quite The Cat’s Meow

| Ontario, Canada | Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

(A visitor enters with a large cat carrier.)

Visitor: “Hi, I found a stray cat. They told me to bring it here.”

Me: “Ok, just stay in this room. I’ll get some assistance.”

Visitor: “It’s really nasty, it keeps hissing. I think it wants out. Do you mind if I let it out?”

Me: “Please don’t, miss. We need to evaluate it first.”

Visitor: “No, I really think he needs to be let out. Don’t worry!”

Me: *noticing the loud hissing and snarling* “I seriously advise against opening the carrier!”

Visitor: “Why?”

Me: “Because that is not a cat.”

(The visitor ignores me and opens the carrier. A huge, angry raccoon dashes out, hissing and growling.)

Loonie Toonies

| Niagara Falls, ON, Canada | Canada, Hotels & Lodging, Uncategorized

Me: “Good evening, sir. How can I help you?”

Guest: “I need change for $5.00 so I can leave the maid a tip.”

(The guest hands me a Canadian $5.00 bill and I open my register and take out a ‘toonie’ and three ‘loonies’ and hand it to the guest.)

Guest: *blank look* “What is this?”

Me: “That is change for $5.00.”

Guest: “Is this real?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Guest: “Are you kidding me?”

Me: “No, sir. I assure you that is Canadian change for five dollars.”

Guest: “Is the maid going to understand what this stuff is?”

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