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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • (Full) Front(al) Desk

    | Sulphur, LA, USA | Top

    Me: “Good morning sir, would you like a room for the night?”

    Husband: “Ummmmm…I dunno, let me go ask my wife.”

    (He leaves for about 10 minutes.)

    Husband: “She said yes. How much for 1 bed?”

    Me: “It’s 79 plus tax, sir, but the only single bed rooms we have right now are smoking rooms.”

    Husband: “Okay, let me go ask my wife.”

    (He’s gone for another 10 minutes or so. He comes back with his wife.)

    Wife: “Why don’t you have any non-smoking rooms?”

    Me: “We sold out of them earlier this afternoon. In fact, we only have 3 rooms left for the night.”

    Wife: “Well, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard in all my life! You are going to rent me a room or I’m going to have to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Okay ma’am, what kind of room would you like? ”

    Wife: “WE would like a single, NON-SMOKING ROOM!”

    Me: “I already told you and your husband that we only have smoking rooms available.”

    Wife: “I. WANT. NON. SMOKING.”

    Me: “I only have smoking rooms left. If you want, though I can give you the location of another hotel.”

    Husband: “We’re only gonna be here a few hours. Smoking is fine. I’m just sleeping.”

    (They bicker back and forth for nearly 20 minutes. Another customer comes up to the desk, and I offer to help her.)

    Wife: “You will not help anyone else until you help me!”

    (The other customer doesn’t seem to mind and stands back.)

    Wife: “Just give me the stupid smoking room.”

    Me: “I need to see your driver’s license, ma’am.”

    Wife: “WHAT? ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME! I’VE NEVER BEEN ASKED FOR MY LICENSE AT ANY HOTEL BEFORE!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s standard procedure for pretty much any hotel you go to. It’s for liability reasons, and in case the room is damaged in any way.”

    Wife: “F*** YOU! YOU’RE A F***ING SPY! I WILL NOT BE KEPT UNDER SURVEILLANCE! F*** YOU AND YOUR STUPID F***ING HOTEL!”

    (The wife proceeds to throw everything she can reach at me, and tries coming over the counter at me. She then starts stripping off her clothes and running around in circles in the lobby. Thankfully the other customer calls 911 and the police arrive in moments. I gave the second lady a complimentary room.)

    At Least She’s Not Returning Used Diapers

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I was working checkouts the other day when I overheard this happening at the service desk.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return these outfits.”

    Coworker: “Alright, may I see your receipt?”

    (The customer hands over a receipt dated about 7 months ago.)

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, we can only accept returns within the first ninety days.”

    Customer: “But my child outgrew these! Am I supposed to just lose money on them?”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, children do tend to outgrow clothing.”

    Customer: “Well, what am -I- supposed to do with them? Why should -I- lose money because of this?!”

    Coworker: “…”

    A Mother’s Love

    | Spokane, WA, USA | Top

    (A pimply, overweight 18 year-old boy dumps a satin black flame-job man thong on the counter.)

    Boy: “Uh, can I return this? My mom got it for me.”

    Sheet Happens

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (Customer calls our department.)

    Me: “Bath and Bedding Department…”

    Customer: “Yes, do you guys carry sheets?”

    Me: “Yes we do.”

    Customer: “Do you carry king sized sheets?”

    Me: “Yes we do.”

    Customer: “Do you have a lot of sheets?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We have a wide variety of sheets.”

    Customer: “Good. I need you to put on hold for me a green set. Then again, put on hold a rose color too. Oh, and ivory and white. And some navy. I’ll be in to pick out what I want.”

    Me: “But what kind of sheets? We have several brands and thread counts to choose from…”

    Customer: “What is your name?”

    Me: *gives her my name*

    Customer: “Okay, I am going to come into your store and find you! Just be sure to get me those colors. I’ll be there in an hour!” *hangs up*

    (Of course, she never showed up.)

    Is That An Ethernet Cable In Your Pocket…

    | Israel |

    (Talking to a female customer…)

    Me: “Do you see the ‘Local Area Connection’ icon?”

    Customer: “Yes, I see your ‘Local Erection’.”

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