October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Watching Your Back While Working Your Lats

| Toronto, ON Canada | Uncategorized

(This gentleman regularly comes to the gym and seems a little bit high-strung, but was always normal before.)

Me: “Good morning, sir, how are you today?”

Customer: “Not very good.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

Customer: *suddenly intense* “Have you seen any NAZIS lately?”

Me: “…uh…no?”

Customer: “They’re EVERYWHERE.”

Me: “Oh. Well…I certainly haven’t seen any Nazis lately, sir.”

Customer: “Good! But they’re everywhere. You gotta watch out for them! *leaves to go work out*

Not-so-righteous Indignation

| Bakersfield, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer claims they had found cockroaches in several pizzas we had delivered earlier. My manager tells me to go ahead and give them their money back.)

Me: “Here’s your money refunded in full, and again, we’re very sorry for this. It’s never happened before.”

Customer: “This is unacceptable! We’re never ordering from you again. You should feel ashamed!”

Me: “Again, we’re very sorry. If you could just give me the pizzas back, I’ll dispose of them for you.”

Customer: “Well…I don’t have them anymore.”

Me: “What did you do with them?”

Customer: *sheepishly* “I gave them to my kids.”

As The Checkout Line Churns

, | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Top

(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking, we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh…I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [brother’s name]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [mom’s name]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [my estranged father’s name]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you, I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they were watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God…please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh…no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [my stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me, to my boss: “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

Double The 60Hz, Double The Fun

, | Panama City, FL, USA | Top

(I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)

Me: “Welcome to [electronics store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46″ TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”

Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”

Husband: “Mostly porn.”

Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”

Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”

Wife: “Why’s that?”

Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

The Caped Crusader In His Spare Time

| St. Cloud, MN, USA | Uncategorized

(Our call center specializes in courtesy calls to new Health Care Members. We could only speak with the account holder.)

Me: *on the phone* “Hello. Is **** available?”

Man: “I’m Batman.”

Me: “That’s…fine, sir, but is **** there?”

Man: “I’m Batman.”

Me: “I understand that, but for the purposes of my call, I have to speak with ****. Can you please tell me if she’s available?”

Man: “I’m Batman.”

Me: “I’m near a window, and I can see the bat symbol. While you go to meet the Commissioner, could you hand the phone to ****?”

Man: “…” *click*

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