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    Mindless Consumerism, How I Love Thee

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    Kid: “Mommy mommy, I want those shoes!”

    Mom: “Why do you want those shoes?”

    Kid: “Because everyone else is wearing them.”

    Mom: “Wouldn’t you want to get something different and be more original?”

    Kid: “No…then I wouldn’t be original like everyone else!”

    Family Values

    | Laredo, TX, USA |

    (A customer hands me the tickets to the horror/torture movie, Hostel 2.)

    Employee: “I’m sorry sir, but this movie is R-rated and I’m afraid I can’t let your child in.”

    Customer, agitated: “Can’t you just let us in?”

    Employee: “I’m sorry sir, but I’d lose my job if I did that. I CAN help you find another movie.”

    (The customer then throws his $6 tub of popcorn in my face and all over the podium and walks off with his family. There’s good family values…)

    The Joys Of Self Righteousness

    | Unknown Location, USA | Top

    Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

    Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

    Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!”

    Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

    Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******.

    (I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-”

    Woman: “Did it come up?”

    Me: “Yes it did.”

    Woman: “What did it say?”

    Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

    Woman: “Oh my god!”

    Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?”

    Woman: “Why do you need that?”

    Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

    Woman: *click*

    At Least She Has The General Idea

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    Bored teen girl (between snapping her chewing gum): “Yeah–I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?”

    Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?”

    Bored teen girl: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.”

    *A light goes on in my head*

    Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER??”

    Her: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”

    Behind Every Husband Is A Brutally Honest Wife

    | Louisville, KY, USA | Top

    (I go to a table of four, a mom and dad and two kids who are ready to order.)

    Husband: “How big are your pizzas?”

    Me: “They are 10 inch pizzas, sir.”

    Husband: “Well how big is 10 inches?

    (And before I can answer, the wife chimes in.)

    Wife: “You wouldn’t know anything about 10 inches, dear.”

    (I stood there for a moment with my mouth open, before I ran to the wait station and started laughing hysterically.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

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