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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Vague Question, Meet Vague Answer

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for non-fiction.”

    Me: “What kind?”

    Customer: “Just non-fiction.”

    Me: “Okay…do you want history? Or science? Psychology?
    Business?”

    Customer: “No, just NON-FICTION!”

    Me: “Ma’am, most of the store is non-fiction. You’ll have to be more specific.”

    Customer: “Don’t you get it? I just want some non-fiction!”

    Me: “All right. Do you see over there, where it says ‘Fiction?’”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “All the books but those. Good luck.”

    How About, “Give Us All Your Money”

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (Once a month, we send out a mailer advertising our business. Like most ads it reads, “Call Now!”)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I received a card in the mail that said I should call you.”

    Me: “Oh, you’re interested in our free design consultation? I’d be more than happy to set one up for you.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want anything like that. It just told me to call.”

    Me: “So you’d like a free estimate for new floors?”

    Customer: “No! The card you sent me in the mail! It said to call you, so I’m calling you! Why do you want me to call you?!”

    Night Vision Might Be Good Too

    , | San Diego, CA, USA | Top

    (I’m selling a camcorder to a man and his girlfriend. The guy is clueless about cameras and the girl knows a little bit more.)

    Guy: “I don’t really know too much about cameras, she knows more than I do. I just want something good.”

    Me: “Well this one is good because…” *explaining*

    Guy to girl: “Honey, do you understand any of this?”

    Girl: “Yeah, don’t worry. I think I know what we want.”

    Guy to me: “Look, if you had to choose a camera to take naked pictures of her *points to girlfriend*, which would you choose?”

    Me: “Well…this one has a built in hard drive so you can tape for longer without changing tapes.”

    (The guy’s phone rings and he leaves me alone with girlfriend.)

    Girl: “Do you get that a lot?”

    Me: “More than you would think.”

    Delivery Failure: Sender Too Stupid

    | Northwest England |

    Customer: “So it says ‘message sent’…does that mean it’s been sent?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Customer: “Oh okay. So they should receive that, then?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Customer: “Okay. And I mean, if they received it, will they get back to me right away?”

    Me: “Well, it depends how long it takes them.”

    Customer: “Oh. So how do I know if it’s sent?”

    Me: “It says ‘message sent’ on the screen.”

    Customer: “Oh okay. So when should I expect a reply?”

    Me: “…”

    (Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time this routine has been carried out, with the same person.)

    Postal Paranoia

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. And may I have your zip code?”

    Woman: “No.”

    Me: “Well, it’s something I have to take. Don’t worry, we–”

    Woman: “No!”

    Me: “I, uh–”

    Woman: “No! You’re not getting my zip code.”

    Me: “Right. Because I’m going to TAKE that zip code and knock on the door of EVERY house in the code just to FIND YOU!”

    (The customer left, but I felt a lot better.)

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