Fairweather Friendships

| Bend, OR, USA | Top

Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories

, | Rincon, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)

Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”

Me: “Sure”.

(I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)

Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”

(I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)

Unhappily Ever After

| Maryland, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “I want to check the status of my form to withdrawal my account.”

Me: “I’m sorry Sir, but you gave conflicting information on the form. In the section where it asked if you were married, you marked both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.’

Caller: “…and?”

Me: “Well, sir, that is conflicting information, so it was kicked out of the system.”

Caller: “So, what should I mark?”

Me: “Well, are you married or not?”

Caller: “I’m married… but I don’t like her.”

Me: “It sounds like you’re separated, but just to check, are you legally married?”

Caller: “Yes, but I don’t feel like I’m married.”

Me: “If you aren’t legally divorced, you’ll need to mark that you are married.”

Caller: “But I don’t LIKE her!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

From Sprinting In Stilettos To Shin Splints & Sprains

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for high-heeled running shoes.”

Me: “Um…we don’t make high-heeled running shoes.”

Customer: “That’s impossible! I bought some here last year!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve been working here for 2 years, and I can assure you that we have never carried high-heeled running shoes.”

Customer: “Well, where can I find some?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure those don’t exist. Heels would defeat the purpose of a running shoe.”

Customer: “Fine! I’m not shopping here ever again!” *storms out*

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am!”

Delicious Deals

| Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

Me: “Would you like this gift wrapped?”

Customer: “Yes I would.”

Me: “OK – here’s your receipt. Just head to the back of the store in about 5 min–”

(The customer eats the receipt.)

Me: “Oh…um, you actually need that to collect your purchase from gift wrap…”

(The customer spits the receipt onto the counter.)

Customer: “It didn’t taste very good anyway.”

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