November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Boat, Boat, Boat Your Boat, Gently Down The Stream

| Jasper, Alberta, Canada | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hello, sir, I am wondering if you can help me?”

Me: “Sure, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’m looking to rent a boat.”

Me: “Sure, what kind would you like?”

Customer: “A boat.”

Me: “Yes, sir, but what kind of boat?”

Customer: *confused* “A boat…”

Me: “Yes, sir, a boat, but what kind of boat? We have three different kinds.”

Customer: “A boat boat!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know what you mean.”

Customer: “Stupid Canadians! Don’t know what a f***ing boat is!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry. I just don’t understand your question, but I will go down to the docks with you and help you choose your boat.”

Customer: “Fine!”

(We walk down to the dock and approach a row boat.)

Customer: “That’s the one right there. A boat. You see?”

Me: “Oh, you meant a row boat, sir.”

Customer: “No, that is a boat boat!”

Me: “In Canada, it’s called a row boat.”

Customer: “Jesus, why can’t you Canadians speak regular English like everyone else?!”

A Customer Without Power Will Make Even Ghosts Cower After The Midnight Hour

| Oregon, USA | Uncategorized

(A few weeks before Christmas at the hotel where I worked, a huge snowstorm knocked out the power. I was working night shift when somebody walks into the pitch-black lobby at about 2 in the morning.)

Customer: “What the h*** is this?! Where are the lights?”

(Note: I’m hidden in the darkness, although I can see him clearly from the emergency light in the entrance.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Who said that? Oh God, this place is haunted, isn’t it?”

Me: “Sir, no. I’m behind the counter. We just don’t have emergency lighting back here.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

Me: “Yeah…what can I do for you, anyway?”

Customer: “I want to check in!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but nobody can check in or out until the power’s back on.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Well, because the computers can’t run without electricity. This includes the key card initializer. Even if I could check you in by hand, I can’t make you a key to get into the room.”

Customer: “Well, fix it!”

Me: “Fix what?”

Customer: “Fix the power! God!”

Me: “Sir, half the city is suffering from a power outage right now. I can’t just fix that.”

Customer: “Sure you can! You’re a ghost! Ghosts turn lights on and off all the time!”

Me: “Sir, I think it’s in your best interest to find a hotel on the other side of town.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll call your manager too, and tell him he shouldn’t be hiring ghosts! You are so unhelpful!” *storms out*

Not Remotely Intelligent

, | Texas, USA | Top

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***. May I have your phone number, please?”

Caller: “This thing doesn’t f***ing work!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

Caller: “Just help me with this f***ing thing!”

(Eventually, I find out he needs help with a DVD remote.)

Caller: “The movie doesn’t play! It doesn’t do a f***ing thing!”

(I hear the crunching of plastic as he tries to push the buttons really hard.)

Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re pressing the play button and it’s not working. Correct?”

Caller: “Which one’s the play button?”

Me: “The one that says ‘play’ above it. It should be in the shape of an arrow that’s pointing to the right.”

Caller: “I can’t read any of this s***! I don’t have anything like that. There’s just one that points to the left.”

Me: “Sir, go ahead and turn the remote around.”

Caller: “What, backwards?”

Me: “Yes, so that the other side points at the DVD player.”

Caller: “Oh…it works now!” *click*

Factual Innuendos

| Waterloo, IA, USA | Top

(I’m working as a cashier at a hardware store. A customer comes to my line wearing a floor-length black trench coat, which he is clutching around himself rather suspiciously.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything alright today?”

Customer: “Would you like to see my bird?” *suggestively nods down toward his jacket*

Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, my bird…

(He opens one side of his trench coat, only to show that he indeed has a large green parrot hidden in his jacket.)

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “What, is green not your color? No worries!”

(The customer opens the other side of his trench coat and reveals another large parrot–this one red.)

Me: *still speechless*

The (ever)Last(ing) Supper

, | Houston, TX, USA | Top

(I work as a cook at a pizza place. A tall and thin customer comes in and begins to place an order with the cashier.)

Customer: “Yeah, I want the large pepperoni.”

Cashier: “For here?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Cashier: “Would you like anything with that?”

Customer: “Yeah, let me have the spaghetti dinner.”

Cashier: “Oh, did you want that instead of the pizza?”

Customer: “Naw, I want the pizza too. Can I get extra garlic bread?”

Cashier: “Um, sure.”

Customer: “Sweet. Can I also get one of them open-faced sandwiches? The roast beef and cheese…and can you add some sausage to the sandwich too?

Cashier: “Yeah…”

Customer: “…and a salad. What kind of salad do you have?”

Cashier: “Well, we have a small side salad, or a larger dinner salad…”

Customer: “Well…”

Me: *speaking over the counter* “We also have the antipasto salad! It’s pretty big!”

Customer: “Yeah! I want that!”

Cashier: “Um…is there anything else?”

Customer: *looks around, and sees the bags of potato chips on
“Yeah, those look good. Give me two bags of chips!”

Cashier: “Okay…is there anything else?”

Customer: “Naw, I think that’s it.”

Cashier: “Do you need us to box up any of this to go?”

Customer: “Naw.”

Cashier: “Will you have anything to drink with this?”

Customer: “Oh yeah, I totally forgot! I’ll have a small Coke!”

(When we finally brought the food out to the customer, it was a LOT of food. Surprisingly, the customer stayed in the restaurant for over 4 hours, and he ate almost everything!)