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    Geez, I Wonder How It Broke

    | Mount Laurel, NJ, USA |

    (Man walks up to repair counter and puts computer on the counter.)

    Man: “I need to get this fixed.”

    Me: “Okay, if you can just start by filling out these forms, I’ll plug in the unit in and see what’s up.”

    Man: “It just doesn’t turn on at all anymore.”

    (At this point I can’t help but notice the bay of connectors on the system appears to have been KICKED in. My co-worker notices this and silently laughs.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that the system is physically damaged, and our warranties don’t cover this. I can price up a non-warranty repair if you like, but it’s likely to be pricey because the logic board appears to have been, er, cracked.”

    Man: “WHAT?! What in the **** are you talking about?”

    Me: “As you can see there is a large dent in the back of the unit, and it has damaged the logic board.”

    Man: “Well I didn’t ****ing do that, it must’ve happened in the ****ing car! I had to stop hard and it slid off the ****ing seat.”

    Co-worker: “Actually, sir, it seems as if it was damaged by impact, such as a boot, or a hammer. Regardless, even if that were the case and it did happen in the car, it’s still non-covered physical damage.”

    Man: “That’s ****ing bull****! It didn’t work before that happened in the ****ing car like I’m telling you it did, so you need to fix it!”

    Me: “I’m afraid that any type of physical damage voids your warranty.”

    Man: “So what the **** are you telling me?!”

    Co-worker: “Well, we could fix it, but it’s likely more cost-effective to buy a new system.”

    (The man, showing clear anger-management issues (which we assume is what happened), shoves the computer over causing it to slam down and the side to break.)

    Man: “SO WHAT DID I BUY A ****ING WARRANTY FOR?!”

    Co-worker: “Well, sir, as we said, physical damage isn’t covered by the warranty…and now we have the cause of physical damage on the camera too.”

    Man: “Oh **** this **** and **** all of you.”

    (Man picks up computer and walks over to the customer service counter, slamming it down on that counter, causing more damage. He demands to speak to a manager, who told him the same thing we did.)

    Man, suddenly shouting: “**** this ****ing place to ****ing hell. I’m gonna ****ing sue the **** outta y’all!”

    (The man storms out, leaving his computer at the counter.)

    Sophocles, World’s First Toilet Humorist

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (It was summer reading time for the high schoolers near our store. This girl comes in, smacking her gum and looking rather bored.)

    Girl: “I need this book, it’s called… something like Ode to Pus or something.”

    Me: “Ode… to Pus?”

    Girl: “Yeah its by some guy named So-fo-Kulls?”

    Me:“You mean… you need to read Oedipus by Sophocles?”

    Girl: “Yeah, yeah. Ode to Pus by that guy.”

    (I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life.)

    Creative Ways To Use Google Earth

    , | Tampa, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

    Customer: “I can’t.”

    Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?”

    Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

    Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

    Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

    Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

    (At this point, I’ve had enough.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

    Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

    Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

    (I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

    Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

    (My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

    Weight Watchers Rejects

    , | Waco, TX, USA |

    Lady: “How many slices come on the 8-inch pizza?”

    Waiter: “Well usually we cut it into 6, but we can make it four, or eight or ten. Whatever you want.”

    Lady: “Better just make it six…I don’t think I can eat more than six slices.”

    In That Case, Replace Them Daily

    , | Redwood City, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Could you check my brakes and see if they are bad?”

    Coworker: “Of course. Which vehicle is yours?”

    Customer: “Oh, I walked here.”

    Coworker: “Ok, well we can’t check your brakes if the car isn’t here.”

    Customer: “I told you I walked here. I just want to know if I need new brakes.”

    Coworker: “I can’t tell you that unless I actually see the vehicle.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just tell me if I need new brakes for my car? It’s a Mercedes if that helps at all.”

    Coworker: “Like I said, I need to see the car to tell you if you need new brakes.”

    Customer: “OK, so can you tell me if my brakes are bad?”

    Me: “We physically need the car here in front of us so we can look at the brakes with our own eyes and determine if they are bad or not.”

    Customer: “It’s a Mercedes.”

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