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    Next Time, Just Smile And Nod

    , | Taylor, MI, USA |

    Customer 1: “We would like to exchange these items.”

    (Hands over unopened video game controller and sealed games.)

    Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer 1: “No, we just want to do an exchange!”

    Me: “I am unable to do a return without a receipt verifying you purchased your items at this store.”

    Customer 2:” We DON’T want to do a RETURN, we want to do an EXCHANGE!”

    (Our store also buys used video games and accessories so I think maybe that is what they’re trying to do)

    Me: “Without a receipt the only thing I can do is buy these from you but you wont get the full retail price. Is that what you’re trying to do?”

    Customer 1: “NO! I want to do an exchange!”

    Me: “Then I’ll need a receipt.”

    (Customer sits there for a minute and finally produces a receipt.)

    Me: “Thank you. I’m going to return these items and when you find what you want in the store, just bring it up to the counter.”

    Customer 2: “WE CAN’T DO A RETURN, IT HAS TO BE AN EXCHANGE! IT CAN’T GO BACK ON THE CREDIT CARD!”

    Me: “Just go and pick out the items you want and if there is money left over we’ll give you a store credit.”

    Customer 2: “BUT IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD!! YOU CAN’T RETURN THE ITEMS!”

    Me: “We have to return them to keep our inventory up to date.”

    Customer 1: “WE JUST SAID WE CAN’T RETURN THEM, WE NEED TO EXCHANGE THEM!”

    Me: “I’m trying to explain to you that it is a corporate policy to return items not exchange them, but that does not mean the money goes on your credit card. We can give you store credit.”

    Customer 1: “So you guys are somehow different from every other store on the planet? Every other store does exchanges but not you.”

    Customer 2: “IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD.”

    Me: “Listen, you are over-thinking this–”

    Customer 1, cutting me off: “MAYBE YOU ARE UNDER-THINKING THIS! I TOLD YOU I WANT TO DO AN EXCHANGE. I’M GOING TO THE STORE I BOUGHT THIS FROM THEY’LL DO AN EXCHANGE!”

    Me: “You can take these items to any ***** you want. We all have to same policy.”

    Customer 2: “NO, YOU’RE JUST STUPID!”

    (They leave the store, half an hour later I get a call from the store down the street laughing and thanking me for sending over such *lovely* customers.)

    This Little Piggy Went To H*ll

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

    (ID Verification stuff…)

    Me: “Alright, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

    Teacher, apparently remembering at the last minute: “Oh, no…”

    Me: “Piggly…Wiggly…F**ker.”

    Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah…thank you.”

    Me: *bursts out laughing*

    Keyless Start, Please Meet Clueless (Old) Fart

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    (A customer comes out and hands me his valet ticket for his car. I go back to the key box and notice that I had written that he hadn’t given me his keys. He had one of those key-less start cars that you don’t need to put in a key to drive, but the key still has to be in the car to start it.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir, you did not give me the keys to your car.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah. You see this is a key-less start car here, son. You don’t need a key to start it.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am aware that it is a key-less start, but I still need the key to be in the car to start it.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you understand me here kid. It is KEY-LESS. You don’t need my key. Now please just go get my car.”

    Me: “Sir, I know what you are saying, but I have parked many other cars like this..”

    Customer: “Listen to me boy! I am an adult! I have had that car for a while, and I think I know a little more about how it works than you, don’t you think?! Now go get my car or I will tell the manager!”

    (I try to tell him once again that I need the key, but he just screams and goes to get the manager. I tell the manager what the problem is.)

    Manager: “Sir, he is correct. You need the key to start the car.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD!! Are you all idiots here?!”

    (I take him and the manager to his car. I ask him for the key, which he gives me.)

    Me: “Sir, please show me how to start the car without the key inside.”

    Customer: “Ok, fine then!”

    (He tries to press the engine start button, which doesn’t start.)

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: “Well, are you going to give me the keys so I can start my car?! Jesus, everyone knows you can’t start this type of car without a key! You should be fired!”

    (That was the night I quit my job.)

    Easy Come, Easy Go

    | Philadelphia, PA |

    *customer walks in*

    Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”

    Customer: “Have you prayed today?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

    Customer: “You better pray or you’ll go to hell.”

    Me: “Wow, okay.”

    Customer: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you.”

    Me: “FOR ME!!! FOR ME!!! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” *awesome air guitaring, a la Queen*

    *customer walks out*

    (Background story: the customer was one of those crazy people who had come in for whatever it was and she is always talking about jesus. If anybody else had been in the store I wouldn’t have done the Queen thing but it was too much to pass up.)

    I’ll Have Whatever He Had

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    (A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in 5 minutes before closing time.)

    White guy: “F*ck you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

    White guy: “Awww, go on, please…just a quick pint!”

    Me: “No, we’re closing.”

    White guy: “F*ck you, is it because I’m black?”

    Me: “…Yes.”

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