Close-Minded

| Georgia, USA |

Me: “Thank you for calling [drugstore], how can I help you?”

Customer: “What time do y’all close?”

Me: “We’re open twenty four hours, sir.”

Customer: “But what time do you close?”

Me: “We’re twenty four hours.”

Customer: “What does that mean? I don’t know military time!”

Me: “We’re open twenty four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five days a year sir.”

Customer: “You’re not listening to me. How am I suppose to know when to come if I don’t know when you close?!”

Me: “Sir, we never close. We’re always open.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “No matter what time you come, someone will be here, sir.”

Customer: “Well, what kind of stupid a** schedule is that?!”

Me: “You’d have to ask corporate, sir.”

Customer: “So wait…what time do y’all close?”

Out Of State, Out Of Mind

| Berlin, Germany | Top

Me: “That’ll be €32,78 please.”

(The customer hands me American dollars.)

Me: “Sir, this is Germany. You can’t pay with US currency.”

Customer: “But this is the US.”

Me: “No sir, this is Germany, in Europe.”

Customer: “But…isn’t Europe part of the US?”

Dodo Brained

| Melbourne, FL, USA |

(At our zoo, we have a dinosaur walk-through area. A mother is pointing out rhinoceroses to her young son.)

Mother: “Look, honey! They have the last living dinosaurs here!”

Me: “Ma’am, they aren’t actually dinosaurs. The dinosaurs that we have on display are replicas on the other side of the park.”

Mother: “But your advertisements said you had dinosaurs here today!”

Me: “We do, but these aren’t dinosaurs. They are rhinoceros. The dinosaurs are on the other side of the park.”

Mother: “But that’s just not true! These are rhino-SAURUSES! I think I know a dinosaur when I see them!”

Location Is Clearly Not Your Vocation

| Phoenix, AZ, USA |

Me: “Policyholder service, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to change the beneficiary on my policy.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have your policy number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “That’s fine. “What is your name?”

(The customer gives me her name, but it’s common and we have several dozen policyholders with the same name. I need more information to find her policy.)

Me: “Okay. What state do you live in?”

Customer: “Springfield.”

(Unfortunately, we cannot sort or search by city names, only by states. I do a quick look and see more than one Springfield in different states.)

Me: “What state is that in?”

Customer: “Springfield.”

Me: “Springfield is the city that you’re in. What is the name of the state that you’re in?”

Customer: *slowly* “Spring. Field.”

Me: “That’s the city you’re in…what is the state?”

Customer: *annoyed* “The UNITED States!”

Dance of the Eye Gouger Fairies

| Olympia, WA, USA |

(Our office sells tickets to two different locations that are no more than 10 minutes apart for event and performances that are often very different. A caller is inquiring about one of these performances.)

Me: “This performance is at [address].”

Customer: “Wait, it’s at [address]? Oh, that’s too far to drive. Is there anything happening downtown that day?”

Me: “Yes, sir. There is a performance of the Nutcracker that evening.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I think I’d rather gouge my eyes out than be exposed to culture! I’ll have to call you back.”

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