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    If Only It Grew On Trees, Part 2

    | London, UK |

    (I work in a local government call centre and take calls from the residents about all kinds of things–including education.)

    Customer: “Hi, I got your booklet about the school meals and it said I can get a grant for clothing.”

    Me: “That would be the school uniform grant. Could I take yours and your child’s details? I can send you an application form.”

    Customer: “I don’t have kids, can’t I have the money for myself? I’m on income support.”

    Me: “The grant is for the school uniform sir, and it is only available for children.”

    Customer: “So I can’t have the money for myself?”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    Customer: “For f**k’s sake!” *hangs up*

    (I wasn’t sure if he wanted the money for normal clothes, or wanted to buy himself an actual school uniform.)

    If Only It Grew On Trees

    Three Cents Of Nonsense

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Money

    Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is ******* speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, you guys overcharged me and I will accept nothing short of a full refund. This is ridiculous.”

    Me: “I’d be more than happy to help. Do you have your confirmation number?”

    Customer: “Yes. It’s ********.”

    Me: “Great. One moment, please.”

    (I look at their reservation history.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. So I’m showing you have a reservation arriving tonight. One king bed, non-smoking, booked at a rate of $1297.66. What were you quoted?”

    Customer: “I was quoted a rate of $1297.63.”

    Me: “So you were misquoted by 3 cents?”

    Customer: “Yes. And I demand the rate I was quoted be honored.”

    Me: “But it’s 3 cents…”

    Customer: “YOU **** corporations! WHY ARE YOU RIPPING ME OFF!?”

    Precision Pillows

    | British Columbia, Canada |

    (On the phone…)

    Customer: “Hi, I want to book a room with 2 beds for tomorrow.”

    Me: “Sure thing sir, lucky for you we’re not busy this weekend and have several rooms available. ”

    Customer: “Great, and how many pillows do the beds have?”

    Me: “Umm, I think there’s 2 on each bed.”

    Customer: “Can you check?”

    Me: “Okay….I’ll just be a moment.”

    (I go and check the nearest room’s bed and the next room along to be safe.)

    Me: “Yes, 2 per bed.”

    Customer: “So my room will have 2 pillows on each bed?”

    Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

    Customer: “I only like one pillow on my bed, can you give me a different room with a bed that only has one pillow on one of the beds?”

    Me: “Umm…you could always just take the other pillow off your bed when you go to sleep.”

    Customer: “What? No, I want one of the rooms with one less pillow on one bed.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have rooms with specific numbers of pillows–”

    Customer: “–but you have rooms with specific number of beds!”

    Me: “Yes…that’s pretty much the norm, sir…”

    Customer: “Don’t get smart honey, I want a room with 2 beds, 2 pillows on one of them but only 1 on the other. That’s what I want.”

    Me: *sigh* “Okay sir, I’ll personally remove one of the bed’s pillows before you arrive tomorrow, how’s that?”

    Customer: “Good, that works for me. Hang on, are the pillows thick fluffy ones or skinny flat ones? Because if they’re skinny, I’ll just keep both of them.”


    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 4

    , | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (My mom and I did long shifts at the restaurant we worked at, from 10 AM to 9 PM. Around 6:30 PM we received a call from a customer.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m calling in for a complaint.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s the problem?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I came in this morning and ordered some food, but the guy there, he just PUNCHED me in the face!”

    Me: “Wh…you’re saying somebody working here punched you? When?”

    Customer: “It was today around noon. The man working there punched me. So can I get some free food? ‘Cause it really hurt. I mean, I could sue you guys.”

    Me, trying really hard not to laugh: “I’m sorry, sir, we can’t do that. My mother and I have been working here since the restaurant opened and I assure you, neither of us have punched you in the face. Also, we only have female employees…”

    Customer: “…Oh.” *click*

    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
    How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
    Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

    The Son Of Captain Obvious

    | Chicago, USA |

    (Our offices are on the 8th floor of a building. The upper floors are occupied by an art school.)

    Student 1: “Oh, wow. The elevators on this side of the building are really small.”

    Student 2: “No, they’re not. It’s just their size that makes them look small.”


    Captain Obvious Strikes Back
    The Return of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious To The Rescue
    Belaboring The Obvious

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