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    Eau De Customer

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Yo, I need some headphones!”

    Me: “Over by the windows are where we keep the headphones. Have a look and let me know if you have any questions.”

    Customer: “Well, which ones should I buy?”

    Me: “Well, I tend to recommend Sony. They’re a little pricier, but the sound quality and durability are far better.”

    Customer: “I got money! Hold on.” *pulls out a fat wad of cash and starts counting it* “One hundred, two hundred. Yeah, I think I got enough.”

    Me: *smelling booze off him and realizing he’s drunk* “So would you like to go with a Sony, then?”

    Customer: “You like my coat?”

    Me: “What? Um, yes, it’s a very nice coat.”

    Customer: “Smell it. It’s real leather. Here.” *holds out coat*

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, I do not want to smell your coat.”

    Customer: “C’mon it’s a nice coat. I paid 175 dollars for that s***, ON SALE!”

    Me: *hesitates, but smells the coat* “Yes. It’s a very nice coat. Did you want to go with a Sony then?” *I notice my coworkers beginning to laugh*

    Customer: “Maaaaaaaan. C’mon. I got this nice coat, this cash. Maybe if I take some skin off my nose and put it on my dick…” *stumbles around*

    Me: *walks away*

    Coworker:: “What did he say to you? I saw that he was bothering you, so I called security.” *phone rings*

    Me: “Hello?”

    Store Security: “Hey, this is store security checking in. I’ve been watching this guy over the security cameras.”

    Me: “It’s okay, he left. I think he was drunk.”

    Store Security: *sort of laughing* “Yeah yeah, I know. Um….. Did he ask you to smell his COAT?”

    Me: *laughing hysterically*

    I Once Had A Customer This Dumb

    | Leesburg, VA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling The UPS Store, this is Rick speaking, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, hi. I need to find out how much it will be to send something to Iowa.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to get you an estimate on shipping. Could I get the dimensions and weight of the box as well as the ZIP code of the destination?”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s probably about 10 pounds, and about this big.”

    Me: “Well, I need a ZIP code for the destination, but you didn’t really give me the dimensions of the box.”

    Caller: “The ZIP code is 51365, and it’s about this big.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see your hands, so you’ll have to give me some sort of numeric dimension to work with.”

    Caller: “Oh, let me get a ruler–” *click*

    Me: *sigh*

    Customer in the store who overheard the phone conversation: “Are you serious?!”

    Related:
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    Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
    You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
    (Telepathic) Help Wanted

    Imperialism At Its Finest

    | Yukon, Canada |

    Customer: *hands over US Currency while trying to buy a T-Shirt*

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t take US Currency. We do, however take debit, all major credit card–”

    Customer: *cuts me off* “Why the hell can’t you take my money?! This is the U. S. OF A!”

    Me: “No sir, this is the Yukon Territory, in Canada.”

    Customer: “No it’s not! This is the USA! Alaska! I’ve been driving on the Alaska Highway for hours so that makes this Alaska!”

    Me: “No sir. This is the Yukon…we’re part of Canada…the Alaska Highway LEADS to Alaska and–”

    Customer: *again, cutting me off* “Don’t you ever look at a map?! The Yukon is IN Alaska, and that’s part of the United States! You HAVE to take my money!”

    Me: “The Yukon is part of Canada, we are NEXT to Alaska, which is part of the United States…”

    (The customer gets angry, slams his item on the counter and storms out, muttering something about “stupid kids.”)

    Oooh, I’m Quaking In My Boots

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (At the store where I used to work, most of our bags didn’t have handles. Only the largest size did. A woman was buying a greeting card, which, after scanning, I gave to her in a small paper
    bag.)

    Woman: “Don’t you have any bags with handles?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. The only bags we have with handles are these big ones.”

    (I show her the large bag with handles.)

    Woman: “Well THAT’S stupid!”

    (She then proceeded to call a few other things stupid.)

    Woman: “Fine, just give me the bag without handles.”

    Me: “Do you want your receipt?”

    Woman, looking at me as in disbelief: “NO, I don’t want a RECEIPT!”

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Woman: “Well…you…DON’T have a nice day!”

    Tweedledee and Tweedledum

    | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

    (…so it was my job to exchange prizes for tickets. A customer comes up to me and I count their tickets.)

    Me: “You have 24 tickets.”

    (Customer looks around at prizes.)

    Customer: “How much is that remote control car?”

    Me: “That’s 600 tickets. You should probably look at the smaller prizes you can afford, like the rings and rubber snakes. They are only two tickets each.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll take that lava lamp.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the lava lamp is 14,000 tickets and you have 24 so I highly suggest looking at cheaper prizes like these rubber snakes.”

    (Customer finally decides he needs to go get more tickets and returns to playing games. Another customer approaches and I count their tickets.)

    Me: “You have 650 tickets.”

    Another Customer: “Okay, I’d like 80 of the snakes but only red and green ones.”

    Me: “Wouldn’t you prefer a remote control car or this water gun?”

    Another Customer: “No, I want snakes!”

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