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  • Now That’s What I Call Love

    | Canada |

    Caller: “Yeah, I bought this tattoo kit from you guys the other day, and there’s stuff missing from it.”

    Me: “Stuff missing? Like what?”

    Caller: “Well, for starters, there’s no book with it… and I don’t know how to assemble it.”

    Me: “Book? What book? We don’t have books. We just sell tattoo inks, needles, machines… and assembly? Is there something not assembled in your kit?”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s all in pieces… it’s a piece of crap!”

    Me: “Pieces? Did it get damaged during shipment to you?”

    Caller: “No, it’s just a bunch of pieces. There’s a power supply, foot pedal, a couple of tattoo machines… but I gotta put it together myself. That’s bulls***! I don’t know what I’m doing! You guys should have assembled everything for me before shipping.”

    Me: “You want us to assemble your tattoo shop for you? Wait a sec… did you say you don’t know what you’re doing?”

    Caller: “That’s right. I’ve never tattooed before. That’s why I thought there’d be a book with the kit.”

    Me: “You mean like, step one, put a picture on the skin, step 2 dip the needle in ink, step 3 tattoo the ink into the skin?”

    Caller: “Yeah, that’s it! Why didn’t you guys give me that kinda book when I bought the kit!?”

    Me: “So how are you expecting to learn to tattoo? Are you not doing a tattoo apprenticeship at a real tattoo shop, where they teach you to do this sort of thing?”

    Caller: “Nah… I just figured I’d start off tattooing my wife until I can figure it out…”

    From Zero To Heathen In 30 Seconds

    | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    (On this day in the bulk food store I worked in, I was on the floor, scrubbing underneath a bin of nuts. At this point in my life, I had very long hair, and a goatee. An older lady walks by:)

    Older lady: “That’s a good Christian girl… cleaning, and saying her prayers at the same time!”

    *30 seconds later*

    Older lady: “OH! You’re not a girl!”

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    , | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    Woman on phone: “You guys need to take that at-fault accident off my record.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. You’ll have to dispute that with the DMV.”

    Woman: “What’s that?”

    Me: “The Department of Motor Vehicles.”

    Woman: “Why can’t you take it off? You were the one put it on there.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t put anything on your record. The DMV did. What happened in that accident?”

    Woman: “I bumped into someone.”

    Me: “So you rear-ended someone? What were you doing?”

    Woman: “Drinking a beer.”

    Me: “Drinking a beer? While driving? Ma’am, if you rear-ended someone and had an open container of alcohol in your car it would be two violations, possibly three.”

    Woman: “See? There you go again, puttin’ stuff on my record.”

    Me: “Right.”

    Cutting The Cheese 101 Has A Nice Air To It

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (One of my friends works part-time at the deli counter in a grocery store. At one point, a rather well-to-do looking–the word he used was “snooty”–woman and her not-too-bright looking son came up to the counter.)

    Woman: “I’d like one pound of muenster cheese.”

    Friend: “Very well.”

    (He proceeds to slice the cheese on the slicer, and weighs it out; it’s .97 pounds. He attempts to hand it to her.)

    Woman: “That’s NOT a pound of cheese.”

    (Slightly perturbed, he slices another slice of cheese and places it on top of the existing pile. It is not 1.02 pounds of cheese. Again, she sighs and appears indignant.)

    Woman: “Is that including the paper?”

    (He then peels the slice in half and puts the half slice on the pile; it’s .99 pounds now. At this point, the woman leans over to her less-than-brilliant-looking son, and whispers, loud enough for my friend to hear:)

    Woman: “This is why you go to college.”

    (It should be mentioned, at this point, that my friend goes to an Ivy League school.)

    Ah, Fathers

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada |

    (I was a cashier and father and young son were in line.)

    Son: “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff!”

    Dad: “Yeah, I might have to sell your bike to pay for it all.”

    Son: “Noooo, not my bike!”

    Dad: *laughs* “No, I wouldn’t sell your bike for food. Although, I might sell it for beer…”

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