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    Sins Of The Father

    | Perth, Australia |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I can’t do that thingy.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, What thingy?”

    Customer: “Emails. It keeps saying error 421. I never put that number in.”

    Me: “That’s an error number. Can you tell me what lights are flashing on the modem?”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “It’s a small box with cables running into it. It will have a lot of lights flickering on it.”

    Customer: “The box with the blinky lights?”

    Me: “Yes, that should be it.”

    Customer: “Oh, I thought my son put that in here to annoy me, so I unplugged it!”

    Understating The Obvious

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [TV service], my name is ***. How may–”

    Caller: “I don’t care!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “I don’t care what your name is! You guys are what’s driving me to start using again!”

    Me: “Okay…how can I provide you with the best value and service?”

    Caller: “You don’t care about that! All you care about is going home at the end of your shift and having that first sip of beer!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, I’m 19, so I don’t drink.”

    Caller: “You’re just a young punk! You should be at home with your mommy!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Caller: “You’re too young to be working! You don’t know anything!”

    Me: “Um…could I have your phone number so I can pull up your account?”

    Caller: “No! That’s private!”

    Me: “Okay, how about your name?”

    Caller: “No! I won’t give you any information! You’re too young! Your brain hasn’t developed yet! Did you know it’s not done until you’re 21 or 22?”

    Me: “Yes, I did know that.”

    Caller: “Yeah! I’m a doctor! I’m a pediatrician!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, I won’t be able to help you without your information.”

    Caller: “I bet you were born with a golden spoon in your mouth!”

    Me: “Um…could I have your address?”

    Caller: “I don’t want you coming to my house!”

    Me: “Well, how about your phone number?”

    Caller: “I’ll give you my social security number instead.”

    Me: “I can’t use that to access your account–”

    Caller: *rattles off address surprisingly fast*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m going to need you to be a bit slower for me.”

    Caller: *rattles off address even faster*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you. Let me try finding it by your name.”

    Caller: “I’ll give you my name, but you can’t call me that.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, I can call you anything you’d like–”

    Caller: “CALL ME B**** FROM H***, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I AM!”

    (My supervisor has been listening to the call and decides that enough is enough. He takes my headset and lets the customer know that if she ever calls back, she has to be drug-free.)

    Not Always Right: The Book

    | Bookstores |

    Not Always Right Book

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    Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong.

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    Why We Can Always Use A Hug

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Coworker: “It’s always so chilly up here near the door!”

    Me: “I know, but I’d rather work in a store that’s a little chilly than a store that’s too hot. You can always put another layer on–”

    Customer: “Well, you don’t matter.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “That’s right. You don’t matter. It’s the customer that’s right. If the store is too cold for the customer, there is a problem.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but–”

    Customer: “But you don’t matter!”

    Noah Already Had Two Customers On The Ark

    | Iowa City, IA, USA |

    (Note: much of our area is suffering from massive flooding. A man walks into our chain pharmacy, completely drenched from the chest down.)

    Me: “Wow, what happened to you?”

    Customer: “I tried to go to your other location and it was closed!”

    Me: “That location is flooded, sir. There’s about four feet of water surrounding it.”

    Customer: “I know! I had to wade all the way up to the door before I found out it was closed! How do you think I got so wet?”

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