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    Good, Because Beagles Don’t Like Fridges

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (This guy with a thick Bosnian accent comes up to me.)

    Customer: “I am looking for beekels.”

    Me: “Beekels?”

    Customer: “Okay…”

    (I show him where are the bagels are.)

    Customer: “No, Not bread. Beekles.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “The kind you put in fridge.”

    Me: “Oh.”

    (I go to the freezers and show him the frozen bagels.)

    Customer: “NO! NOT BREAD! BEEKLES!”

    Me: “I can’t…I don’t know…uh…”

    (He walks away. A few Aisles away he sees it and picks up.)

    Customer: “This is what I was looking for.”

    Me: “Oh, pickles…”

    Fun Things To Do On Your Last Day

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (My friend worked in the phone service department of an undergarment company. One day he got a call from an unhappy woman. We’ll call him David.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to see why my order hasn’t arrived yet.”

    David: “Could you please give me some information about your order?”

    (The customer then goes on to inform him that her gargantuan pair of panties designated by untold numbers of X’s have yet to arrive and she’s very upset.)

    David: “Well you see ma’am, the cargo plane that your panties were on lost power and the pilot had to use them to parachute to safety.”

    (The customer did not have a sense of humor. David was promptly fired. True Story.)

    And This Was Before He Got Drunk

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK |

    Customer, looking directly at the draught: “What have you got on tap?”

    Me: “We have Stella, Staropramen, Becks Vier, Leffe, Hoegaarden, Franziskaner and Guiness on tap, sir.”

    Customer: *sighs* “Have you got Carling?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not sir…”

    (I run through everything on tap again, slightly slower, and clearer this time.)

    Customer: “No Budweiser?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not sir…”

    (Again I list everything on draught.)

    Customer: “Oh, I suppose I’ll just have a Kronenberg then.”

    Me: “I’m afraid we don’t stock that product, sir.”

    Customer: “Sorry, I meant a Fosters.”

    Me: *deep breath* “I apologise once again sir, but we don’t serve Fosters. We only serve…”

    (I run through the draught again.)

    Customer: “Okay, okay…bloody hell, I’m not stupid you know!”

    Me: “I apologize if I offended you, sir.”

    Customer: “I should think so. Pint of Worthingtons then.”

    Me: “…” *deep breath* “Tom! Your customer!”

    An Expensive Temper Tantrum

    | Arkansas, USA |

    (I was cashiering and couldn’t help but overhear a woman screaming and waving her receipt at my Store Director in front of the exit/entrance to the store.)

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I came to see if the food I buy is cheaper than at [competitor] and it is. But they always give me a free bag after I get a certain amount of points!”

    Director: “I know they do. But we aren’t them, we simply don’t do that.”

    Customer: “Well why not?!”

    Director: “We just don’t. It’s not my decision to make.”

    Customer: “UGH!” *rips up the receipt and throws it in the directors face* “FINE THEN, I’LL BUY FROM [competitor] INSTEAD!!”

    Director: “Okay, have a nice day!” *waves pleasantly and walks over to me to give me change that I needed*

    Me: “Did she just leave without getting a refund for those five 40 lb. bags of dog food?”

    (Note: this comes to approximately $125 without tax.)

    Director: “Yup, and she ripped up the receipt and didn’t take it with her, which means she has no proof she ever bought the food.”

    Me: “…so if she comes back?”

    Director: *smiles wide* “Tell her that you need to see the proof.”

    (The woman never returned for her refund. Thanks for the $125, lady.)

    Believe Me, She’ll Be Back

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (I was working for the electronics department for a well known retail chain when I was contacted by the customer service desk.)

    Customer Service: “A woman is headed your way who’s exchanging a phone, can you give her a hand?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (Sure enough, a minute or two later, the woman appears.)

    Woman: “I’m here to get a new phone. The phone I bought had been used already; there were phone numbers in the caller ID.”

    Me: “Alright, lets get you a new one.”

    (I walk her to the phone aisle and we pick up another phone of the same make/model.)

    Woman: “Can you open it? I just want to make sure that it is brand new.”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I proceed to open the box and pull out the phone.)

    Woman: “That one’s been used too! Look at the numbers on the caller ID!”

    (I now realize that she’s referring to the display sticker.)

    Me: “No, that’s just a sticker they put on the phone to show that it has caller ID.”

    Woman: “No, that phone has been used!”

    (I then peel the sticker off the phone. Without saying another word, she takes the phone over to customer service to finish the exchange.)

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