The Devil Is In The Retailers

| Ohio, USA |

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “Do you have this product here?” *points to a video game in our ad*

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Just take that aisle down here and turn right. Near the doors are the video games.”

Customer: “Oh, alright! Thank you.”

(Shortly after, I get a call about TVs so head towards that section. After helping another guest out, the first guest shows up.)

Me: “Hello again, ma’am! Want me to show you where that game is you were looking for?”

Customer: “How did you do that?”

Me: “Do what, ma’am?”

Customer: “How did you appear like that? Magic?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I just–”

Customer: “It’s magic! You kids and your devil ways!”

Me: “I promise it’s not magic, ma’am. I just took a shortcut.”

Customer: “Through h***! Demon!” *storms out*

Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought

| Tasmania, Australia |

(Note: I am standing under a sign that says ‘Gluten-Free Mousse’)

Customer: “Is the gluten-free mousse gluten free?”

Me: “You mean the ‘gluten-free mousse’?”

Customer: “Yeah. Is it gluten free?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Are you sure? How do you know?”

Me: “Because the sign says it’s gluten-free.”

Customer: “Oh, okay then. I’ll just have a bottle of water.”

Me: “No mousse?”

Customer: “No, you can never be too sure about what has gluten in it!”

Takes One To Snow One

| USA |

Customer: “My goodness, this line is crazy! I’ve been in line ten minutes already! Why aren’t there more employees assisting us? Who is the manager here?”

Me: “Sir, I apologize for the delay. Due to the snow, I’ve had multiple employees call in saying they are unable to safely come to work this morning.”

Customer: “Well, that is just ridiculous! So an employee can decide that they don’t have to show up for work?”

Me: “If an employee feels they cannot safely report to work during severe weather conditions, we ask that they make their personal safety their primary concern.”

Customer: “Must be nice! You can just call and pretend to be concerned for your personal safety and then just take the day off? Makes you wonder what you people would do if you ever got a real job! It’s a good thing this isn’t making me late for my job today.”

(I seize on the opportunity and try to change the subject.)

Me: “Yes, I notice you’re in rather later than normal this morning. Are you on vacation?”

Customer: “No! I have the day off! My office is closed!”

Me: “Oh, how nice! Any particular reason you are closed today?”

Customer: “Duh, the snow! Maybe you’ve noticed it? Are you blind or just stupid?!”

Why Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long, Part 2

| Melbourne, Australia |

Customer: “My phone is broken, but it’s only two months old. I need a replacement.”

Me: “If your phone is less than 3 months old, I can give you a replacement today. Just let me have a look at it.”

Customer: “Why do you need to see it? It doesn’t work, and I was told if it broke within 3 months I get a new phone straight away.”

Me: “That’s right, but there are conditions, one being that the phone can’t have any liquid or physical damage. I need to check for that.”

Customer: “Fine, here.”

(When I open up the phone, it stinks of alcohol.)

Me: “Sorry, this smells like it has alcohol on it.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I dropped it in the sink and I know you won’t fix it if it has water damage, but I didn’t have any ethylated spirits, so I soaked it in vodka for 2 days to dry it out.”

Me: “You’ve just ruined your phone, and now I can’t give you another one.”

Customer: “What?! This is ridiculous! You should be more specific when you sell phones! You need to tell people that they can’t soak it in vodka!”

Why Our Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long

Let’s Not Make Her A Real Angel

| Philadelphia, PA, USA |

(A very small child of about 4 walks up to the slide at our pool.)

Me: “I am so sorry sweetie, but you are a bit too small to go down the slide. Maybe next time!”

(The child leaves in hysterics, only to bring back her mother.)

Mother: “Why did you not let my angel go down the slide?”

Me: “She is under 4 feet tall.”

Mother: “Yes, I know. She’s an absolute angel.”

Me: “Our policy clearly states that we cannot let a child under 4 feet tall ride the slide. She could get seriously injured or possibly drown when she reaches the bottom.”

Mother: “Yes, I know, cute as a button!”

Me: “My manager can further explain this to you, but I can’t risk her safety.”

Mother: “But she is my angel!”

Me: “She’s also under 4 feet tall. She could die, ma’am.”

Mother: “Well its not like she can help it! How dare you make my angel feel bad about her height!”

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