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    Fecal Tender

    | Connecticut, USA |

    (A customer came in, grabbed a 40 ounce bottle of beer, approached my manager and talked to him for a minute. The customer walked out and my manager came to the counter with the beer and some money. He purchased the beer, walked outside and then returned. When no one was in the store, we all turned to the manager and asked what happened.)

    Manager: “Well, the customer has the money to buy the beer…but he had an issue.”

    Us: “What happened?”

    Manager: “He said he was coughing real hard in the cooler…and he sh*t in his pants…”

    (That liquor store has never heard such laughter in the entirety of its existence.)

    Denial By Way Of Refund

    | West Palm Beach, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”

    Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”

    Lady: “It came out positive.”

    Me: *confused* “Okay?”

    Lady: “I can’t be pregnant, so this test MUST be defective. I want to return it.”

    (For anyone who doesn’t know, it is very rare for a pregnancy test to mistake a positive pregnancy. A negative, yes, positive, no.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you can’t return a pregnancy test you’ve already used.

    Lady: What do you mean I can’t return it?!? It’s wrong! I want to see your manager!”

    (So I go to the back to see my manager who is a woman, and explain about the lady. We return to the front.)

    Manager: “Hello, what may I help you with?”

    Lady: “YES! I want to return this pregnancy test! It came out positive and I just can’t be pregnant! It’s wrong and I want my money back!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We can’t refund you on the test because it came out positive.”

    Lady: “NO! I insist I get my money back!”

    Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

    Scamming In Plain Sight

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Top

    (A customer ‘drops’ a brick, giving it a little chip. He then proceeds to join the line.)

    Cashier: “Hello, sir, how can I help?”

    Customer: “There’s a chip in this brick. I’d like to get a discount please.”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, only cracks or serious fractures would warrant a discount on bricks. A chip won’t damage the function or stability of the brick.”

    (The customer proceeds to lift up the brick and forcefully drops it on the ground.)

    Customer: “Now it’s broken! Can I get a discount now?”

    Cashier: “No, but you can sure as h*** pay for that.”

    Size Does Matter

    , | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (I used to work a fast food drive-thru window in which I met very strange and stupid people.)

    Me, through the drive-thru intercom: “Hi, welcome to ***, how may I help you?”

    Man, to one of his kids: “Pick something damn it! I don’t have all day for your sh*t.”

    Me: “Hey ease up, would you?”

    Man, speaking to me: “You little sh*t! You don’t know who you are messing with!”

    (The man speeds up to my window with an angry look on his face. I look at him: a 5’5″, overweight and balding guy. Then he looks at me: 6-foot, 300 pounds of muscle, bone, and a relatively small gut. His expression softens slightly.)

    Man: “…were you the one on the speaker?”

    Me: “Yeah, that was me.”

    Man: “How are you doing? It’s a great day today.”

    Me: *big smile* “How’s the kid doing?”

    Man: “Fine…you aren’t going to take my order, are you?”

    Me: “Nope. My manager has the other headset and he might’ve taken your order if you didn’t piss him off. Have a nice day.”

    (I worked at that place for 2 years and a month before I quit. I still have bad dreams about the place.)

    Instructions Are Your Friends, Part 2

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    Customer, staring at credit card machine: “I don’t know what to do. What does it want me to do?”

    Me: “What does the screen say?”

    Customer: “Press the green button.”

    Me: “Then…well…maybe you should press that green button there.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    Related:
    Instructions Are Your Friends

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