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    Tweedledee and Tweedledum

    | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

    (…so it was my job to exchange prizes for tickets. A customer comes up to me and I count their tickets.)

    Me: “You have 24 tickets.”

    (Customer looks around at prizes.)

    Customer: “How much is that remote control car?”

    Me: “That’s 600 tickets. You should probably look at the smaller prizes you can afford, like the rings and rubber snakes. They are only two tickets each.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll take that lava lamp.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the lava lamp is 14,000 tickets and you have 24 so I highly suggest looking at cheaper prizes like these rubber snakes.”

    (Customer finally decides he needs to go get more tickets and returns to playing games. Another customer approaches and I count their tickets.)

    Me: “You have 650 tickets.”

    Another Customer: “Okay, I’d like 80 of the snakes but only red and green ones.”

    Me: “Wouldn’t you prefer a remote control car or this water gun?”

    Another Customer: “No, I want snakes!”

    Miracle On Placebo Street

    | Northbrook, IL, USA |

    (I was a waiter at a 50′s style dinner in a mall restaurant where a customer asked me to turn the heat up.)

    Customer: “It’s a little cold in here. Could you turn the heat up?”

    Me: “I would love to, but the restaurant is open to the mall and we have no control over the mall temperature.”

    Customer: “Could you please just try?”

    Me: “I would love to but there is no way–”

    Customer: “I would really appreciate it if you would just try.”

    Me: “I’ll be right back and see what I can do.”

    (I then proceed to walk into the back house and munch on some onion rings. After a few minutes pass, I walk out.)

    Me: “How’s that?”

    Customer: “Much better!”

    The Straw Man

    , | Brisbane, Australia |

    (Holding a large box of straws, I walk out towards the customers side of the registers during lunch time at a busy shopping center fast food restaurant, to refill all the straw holders.)

    Me: “Excuse me, sir…”

    (I walk up beside the customer, but still giving him some space despite the fact it was busy and crowded.)

    Angry Customer: “To hell with that c**p, Why do you get to go first? I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES!”

    Me: “I’m just…”

    Angry Customer: “You’re just impatient, thats your problem, wait in line like the rest of us.”

    (A lot of other customers were staring at him, he had clearly not even realized I was in uniform.)

    Me: “Sorry sir, I work here and I need to refill these straws, a lady complained before because all the straw holders had run out.”

    Angry Customer: “Well why are you doing that NOW? Couldn’t you have picked a better time to do it?! I lined up here and all I want is a lousy meal and your in my way…” *continues on and on*

    Me: “Look, it’s our policy to not hand out straws because of hygiene reasons, so I must refill the straws so the customers can take them themselves so they can you know, drink?”

    Angry Customer, loudly: “You’re very rude. I want to talk to your manager immediately!”

    Me, sarcastically, as he had not noticed *MANAGER* on my name badge: “Hi, I am the manager on duty. My name is ****. What seems to be the problem?”

    (Other customers nearby giggle/laugh.)

    Angry Customer: “Well thats just f**king great, what a piece of s**t place anyway. F**k!”

    (Angry customer storms off after wasting about 15 minutes of his life over some straws.)

    Pride Goeth Before A Rental

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (I have a reputation of knowing good movies. Some customers got into the habit of just coming in and asking me what they should watch…especially when they wanted to seem intellectual. One customer was an a** one day so I gave him a Russian movie that was slow, boring and pretentious. He returned the movie about a week later.)

    Me: “How’d you like it?”

    Customer: “Man, you dropped the ball on this one. It sucked. Took me three nights to get through it. I kept falling asleep. I hate to have to pay this much money for it.”

    Me: “Wow, I’m surprised. I don’t recommend it to a lot of people because I don’t think they’ll catch the subtle subtext in the imagery.”

    Customer: “Really?”

    Me: “Yeah…the meat of the story is really in the shot composition, the use of color and the things that remain unsaid. It gets past a lot of people but I thought you would have caught that and enjoyed the message.”

    Customer: “You know, don’t check that in yet. I’ll take it back and watch it again.”

    No, Only In The Original Klingon

    | North Attleboro, MA, USA |

    Me, picking up phone: “*** Book and Music…can I help you?”

    Customer: “Do you have Shakespeare in English?”

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